Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Day 116 - Spiting my back chat

The following blog is a continuation of my previous writings, please read them for further context if you haven’t already :
Day 110 - Avoiding Work
Day 111 – Self interest can never be “right”
Day 112 - Avoiding work –Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
Day 113 – Enjoying Work
Day 114 - Avoiding work –Part 5 - blame and manipulation - Self Forgiveness
Day 115 - Completing the job


I have been walking the point of my relationship towards work, for a few days now, and specifically investigating the experience of wanting to avoid work based on an idea/definition that I've created/accepted within myself that work should be avoided. Since I started this point I have been faced with it again and again every day, where each time the interaction with this pattern/character of avoiding work has been slightly different.


The main points that came up within me that I found most prominently within this pattern of avoiding/resisting work are the following:


  1. Defining a job as "less than" as an inferior job/task, within this exist a fear within me of being associated with that job - "if I am the one doing this inferior job it must mean that I'm inferior", and on the other hand I participate within Judgment towards other people for working at specific jobs that I have judged as inferior - I wouldn't want to go out with someone working those jobs, I won't respect someone working those jobs, I will define them in alignment to their job - based on the accepted social status I have labeled the job with
  2. Calculating what everybody is doing and making sure I don't do more than others within fear of being taken advantage of - this point as well is related to fear of inferiority, and thus the self definition as inferior, because how I see it is that if I am manipulated into doing more work, or am being taken advantage of, then I must be inferior to have been out smart and thus have been manipulated / taken advantage of
  3. Defining work as something that needs to be avoided, within this I will stare at the clock, I will look at the time waiting for "work time" to end, within this I do not allow myself to be here in the totality of myself and practically do what I need to do to the best of my ability because I am preoccupied in my mind, looking at the time, and not focusing on the work, within this point I will deliberately do a half ass job because I'm doing it within a starting point of "I have to do it even though I'd rather not", instead of "taking pride" in the work I'm doing within honoring myself as the task and do it to the best of my ability


The common denominator within all these specific patterns is the back chat that goes with them, the back chat is always telling me that "I shouldn't be doing the work", "I should get out of it", "someone else should be doing it"," it isn't important", "this job isn't worthy", "why am I doing this shitty job" and so on...


Since I have started walking this point through opening it up with writing and self forgiveness, what I found most supportive for me at the moment, is to not follow my back chat, what I mean by this, is to hear what the back chat is telling me to do or not to do, and simply not follow it - I realize the "ideal" point is to stop the back chat all together, but I must say that it's not easy for me to "stop the back chat" - I'm at a point where I have become more aware of the back chat so I notice it as back chat and listen to it in awareness, the next "stage" would be to stop the back chat within breath, but this point is still not "working" for me, or I am not working it - so, within realizing that back chat is a form of self sabotage that is done in the name of self interest but is only really in the interest of the mind - what I have found supportive for me, as an application that I am able to do and "works for me" is that I do whatever it is in spite of the back chat - I hear what the back chat is saying and I'll push to do the opposite - so for instance when my back chat tells me to cut some corners cause no body is watching, I will push myself to do it even more specifically than I would normally do, or when my back chat is telling me that it's not fair that I'm doing all the work, then I'll go ahead and do even more - like a form of spite towards back chat, but not energetic spite, just a realization that it is trying to fuck with me, as the mind always seems to be in my best interest but it never really is as I have realized that living within self interest isn't really my self interest, it is only the interest the mind and the consequences are never pleasant for me and those around me, as the mind is not aligned with what is best for all, as it is only aligned with it's own self interest which is to cause and create friction and conflict as energy - I know back chat is fucking with me, so what I have decided to do is to spite it and do the opposite of what it tells me to do - and it's been really cool – I’m learning to become self honest through this process of seeing my back chat and then looking within self honesty as what must I do – thus, back chat has actually been a self support tool to allow me to become self honest, which is another cool point to see – everything around me, my back chat and reactions – it’s all giving me an opportunity to realize myself within self honesty – and it’s only up to me if i take advantage and live the opportunity or not.


I realize this method isn't one to hold onto for ever, it is merely a bridge, to stop letting myself be directed by the back chat, to then direct myself within self awareness and within considering what is best for all life in the context that I am dealing with within identifying what needs to be done - and if a thought comes up telling me not to do something I take it as indication that I actually know that it needs to be done, otherwise the thought wouldn't have come, so I simply do it - it's become almost like a challenge, where my mind tells me "don't do it" and I then have the opportunity to see it and decide to do it.


Since I've started doing this it's been fascinating to be aware of what I have always seen and known what I "should" do, but have blindly followed my mind as it tells me not to do it - now I'm more self directive as the mind has that much less power over me, I am braking the chains of the enslavement towards the mind - I have just been doing this practice in relation to the specific point of working, but I'm sure I can become aware of other aspects and points in my life that this practice can serve me in braking another self accepted chain that I have created within my relationship to my mind.

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