Sunday, April 29, 2012
Posted by
Maya R
at
6:05 PM
Labels:
commitment,
decision,
desteni,
desteni i process,
eqafe,
journey,
journey to life,
responsibility,
self direction,
self forgiveness
The "7 year journey to life" project has
been going on for about 2 week and up till now I have been reluctant to start
my participation. From day 3 I have been “thinking” about joining but
not actually doing the physical step to join – which is to simply start
writing.
A major part of my
process thus far has been to resist writing self forgiveness and for three years now I have
managed to give myself excuses and justifications to not write or apply self
forgiveness. Though, within not writing or applying self forgiveness I have
allowed myself to exist within and as self judgment, judgement which i have justified to myself for not writing and pushing
myself. So it’s been a constant struggle of self abuse based on myself not
allowing myself to push through the resistance and then judging myself for not
supporting myself through writing – IT’S TIME TO STOP!!!
A prominent excuse to
not applying self forgiveness has been the belief I am incapable of writing
effective forgiveness. Within this belief I have allowed myself to experience
fear of being exposed as stupid / dishonest / not good enough, as well as
believing I am not worthy of writing a blog and sharing myself due to not being
effective, directive or honest enough.
I have been comparing
myself to the idea I have created in my mind about how I should be and within
this idea I have judged myself for not being good enough – I see
now how I have compounded the resistance to writing self forgiveness and have
made the process that much harder for myself, instead of stopping myself as the
mind and simply starting.
It’s amazing how
manipulative and deceptive the mind can be - I would never expect a child to
know something to perfection without learning step by step and practicing, but
when it comes to self I expect myself to know it from the get go. When things don't come easy to me I experience myself as losing
interest or not caring about it, while all along i am too proud to humble myself to the process of learning – I see within this a point of pride, as if I
am too proud to be in a position of not knowing and learning something new and unfamiliar,
not allowing myself to be humble and to admit to myself that this takes time and
practice and within time and dedication I will be more direct and more clear
within the application of self forgiveness.
So, today I start. Today
I begin my journey to life, my journey to self.
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to create an idea of how I should apply self
forgiveness, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
to compare myself to the idea I have created in my mind and to judge myself
according to this idea,
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to an idea and to judge myself accordingly
without realizing that by doing so I am diminishing myself to a one dimensional
expression, while diminishing and compromising myself as life
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to an idea of how I should be
instead of allowing myself to express myself as self forgiveness as self
support as who I am here
I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to express myself as self forgiveness within
and as self support due to fear of not standing up to the idea I have created
as to how I should be
I forgive myself that I’ve
accepted and allowed the fear of not standing up to the idea of how I should be
to direct myself instead of allowing myself to direct myself as self support within
realizing that writing and applying self forgiveness is a self supportive tool
that I have been preventing from myself due to fear of not knowing how to apply it
I forgive myself that I’ve
accepted and allowed myself to create a “big deal” out of writing self
forgiveness, thus making self forgiveness bigger than me, within doing so
separating myself from self forgiveness and from self as self support, instead
of realizing the self forgiveness is a tool used by self here as self support
I forgive myself that I’ve
accepted and allowed myself to within seeing self forgiveness as bigger than me
I have allowed myself to exist within an experience of intimidation by self forgiveness, only based on the
idea I have created around/about self forgiveness and not on reality as the actuality of writing self forgiveness
I forgive myself that I’ve
accepted and allowed myself to be directed by this intimidation of self
forgiveness through believing this intimidation actually protects me from the “dangers”
of self forgiveness, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to
believe my mind as it keeps me away from self support based on the fear of
making a mistake / being wrong / not good enough in regards to self forgiveness.
Instead of directing myself to simply write, letting go of all the expectations
and judgments to allow myself to forgive myself here as self support.
I forgive myself for not
accepting and allowing myself to be humble within the understanding that self
forgiveness is a process of accumulation and as I commit myself and apply
myself I will learn to be more direct and more specific within my writing
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect myself to write self
forgiveness as if I have been doing it for years, not realizing that only with
applying myself in dedication will I see my writing change as I change and
become more direct and clear within myself.
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to wish and hope I will change without actually
having to put in the time and effort to actually face myself within self forgiveness
and push myself to change
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
to postpone applying self forgiveness within the wish/hope that I will
magically transform myself and all my patterns without having to actually
change…lol…
I forgive myself that I’ve
accepted and allowed myself to define myself as weak and worthless as the core of the
fear of not being able to change myself through self forgiveness
I forgive myself that I’ve
accepted and allowed myself to believe I am too weak to push myself through
self forgiveness, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
to quit before I even started based on the self belief that I will not make it –
projecting myself as my fears instead of allowing myself to be here as breath
and apply myself within and as the physical as self support as writing self
forgiveness here
I commit myself to
myself
I commit myself to give
myself the gift of self forgiveness
I commit myself to support myself through self forgiveness
I commit myself to
supporting myself as life
I commit myself to
peeling off the layers of deception/personality/patterns through the process of
self forgiveness within self honesty, to be able to trust myself to stop self
interest and to live as what is best for all as self.
Much more to
unfold
One day at a time
Breath by breath
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