Friday, April 18, 2014

Day 219 – The spark of life

It’s been about a year since my last blog, I did actually write one after Bernard passed, but didn’t push myself to make it into a renewed habit – so here I am on day 219.

I am learning to appreciate the concept of counting our blogs as days, marking the accumulation of our physical walk, as the writing we post each day, and not allowing us to believe that the accumulation of time is an indication of self movement, which is what I have been experiencing believing – my experience was that I have been walking for about 5 years and I have been holding on to this sense of self that I “should” be at some level of awareness because I have been walking for so long, and I have compared myself to others who have walked for as long as I have, seeing their progress, seeing their effectiveness and believing that I should have been at their level because I have been walking about the same time.

Within this I have not taken into consideration the actual reality of the situation (and this is where our mind is so tricky - always noticing that which will cause turmoil and inner conflict and friction) what I didn’t consider is the consistency of my application, because I have not actually been walking for 5 years, I have been walking the accumulation of the moments that I have made a deliberate decision to walk, to be here, to choose self honesty, to choose breath, to choose self support. And as the days of my blogs state, just as one form of activity that can be measured, I have not been walking daily for 5 years - in the past two years, looking at my blogs, I have walked daily for 7 months in accumulation of this specific type of actual physical activity – now, this is not to say that one is measured by their blogs, no, what I mean to point out here, especially to myself, is that it is pointless to judge myself according to an idea that I should be at some level, based on an ineffective tool of measurement such as linear time, when in fact the accumulation of my application is not based on time moving forward, but on me actually applying myself.

It is not time that will change me. It is me that must change myself.

So, here I am again, making the commitment to stop judging myself in comparison to others that have walk more consistently and more effectively than myself, but to learn from them, to inspire myself to realize that I too can make the decision and actually walk it.

Right before starting this blog I found an old blog I had written, some years ago, and I was amazed at how many of the points are the same, it was frustrating and almost humiliating to see that I have not moved, but at the same time that is what made me see once again the foolishness of this self judgment, so I am grateful for that, as here I am, writing (yey) – the point is that if I don’t walk the walk, how can I expect myself to change – by doing so I am just forming a self sabotaging loop, where I am both not walking and on top of that also judging myself for not changing – allowing myself to exist in that polarity which will get me nowhere but further down the depths of my mind.

What I did see through reading that blog and now, within the process of writing this one is that even though I am still walking the same points, what is clear is that both then and now I have a spark of awareness within me, that point within me that does want to self realize, to expand, to unleash and be free, to overcome the limited existence I have allowed myself and to live up to my true potential – this point of awareness is here with me, as me, now, as much as it was then, so what I see and realize is that this spark is not letting go, it is here to stay - that gives me a sense of relief, realizing that this spark within me that wants to live, is not going away. Within this I also realize my responsibility of nurturing that spark and allowing it to grow and expand within me, as me.


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