Day 222 - Just Fucking Do It

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk about the things I want to do instead of actually doing them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk about thing I want to do as if I am planning to do them when in fact I am talking about them as a way to express to others my direction without having to ever go there

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the more I talk about a point I want to do / accomplish the less likely I am to actually do it, because if I were to do it I would just fucking do it

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that talking about a point is avoidance of actually walking the point

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that talking about a point from the starting point of making myself look as if I am walking the point or am about to walk it is self dishonesty, as separating myself into two beings, the one who talks as if I will do or am doing something, and the one who is existing in avoidance and isn't actually doing it, thus being split between my words and my deeds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a loop for myself where I see and realize that I am trapped in an endless cycle of talking about a point and not walking it but at the same time still believing myself to be actually trapped, not realizing that I can simply stop the cycle in one decision, in one breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a cycle for myself where I am already sick and tired of hearing myself speak about the things I want to do, such as to support myself in writing, and then as I see myself not do it to judge myself and add self hatred to the situation, instead of simply seeing myself in the loop and make a deliberate decision in that moment to take immediate action and to for example sit down to write

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create such a big deal out of sitting down and writing where I have become so intimidated of writing that it really seems like a huge point to tackle, when in fact I have been writing since the first grade, and it is not in fact a big huge task, but rather one that I simply must direct myself to do, and once I start doing it each time I realize that not only is it not as hard / scary as I feared, but in most cases I rather end up enjoying myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remind myself that I do in fact enjoy writing and that many things that I tend to avoid and feel like I have to fight with myself in order to do are things that once I allow myself to get started I actually enjoy them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to re-live the pattern/memory from my childhood where my parents would urge me to go into the bath and I would fight them not to but once I was in I would love it so much that I wouldn't want to get out

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to learn from the memory above but instead to re-live it as to be frozen in time within it, instead of evolving / growing from it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend so much of my time and energy in trying to avoid doing the things I really want to do, instead of just fucking doing it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fill up my time with complaining about not wanting to do the things I actually on a deeper level want to do, or complaining about not doing the things I say I want to do, instead of just fucking doing them

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to establish a clear starting point within myself as to why I want to do the things I say I want to do

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that without a clear starting point it is no surprise that it has been hard for me to stay dedicated to a decision that I am unclear about what it stands for and who I am within it.

I commit myself to find and define within myself a clear starting point, to investigate what that even means to me, to create from within myself the definition of why am I walking and where am I going.

I also commit myself to write daily, even if just one sentence of self forgiveness or one point of realization, I commit to write out a self directed supportive statement / paragraph / blog each day. Within this, I commit myself, if resistance to writing still comes up, to write about the resistance and not allow myself to be directed by it, but rather to take it as a point of self discovery and exploration, and at the very least, as something to write about.