day 10 - Ask a stupid question – get a stupid answer

Ask a stupid question – get a stupid answer

I find myself asking question from many starting points beside the basic and innocent starting point of simply asking a question.

I find myself asking a question within the starting point of the desire to hear a specific answer, which means that I already hold the answer within me when I am asking the question, so the reason I am asking anyway is because I would like to hear it from someone else, I would like them to confirm it to me – this indicating that I do not trust myself.

When I am validated by 'them' giving me the answer I want, I will feel good, but when 'they' answer in a way that is unexpected/undesired I react in anger and spitefulness, I act as if there was a 'right' answer and a 'wrong' answer, but if I know within me to recognize the 'right' or 'wrong' answer, why am I asking someone else to begin with?

Asking someone while expecting a specific answer is like testing them. I am testing them but I disguise the test as an innocent question, and when they fail the test I take it personally and become upset, as if they have failed me.

The reaction I experience as emotional energy can be used as support, as it is an indication that I got the 'wrong' answer, not the answer I was hoping for, thus is pointing my attention back to self, to face the question: what was the answer I actually wanted to hear? Why did I want someone else to tell me that which I already know? Why am I hiding from myself the true motives of my actions?

Today I asked my mom: "if I continue swimming a few times a week, how long would it take for my body to show that I started swimming" what I mean was "when will I lose weight and my body will look better/thinner/toner?"

Whatever she said was not what I wanted to hear, and I became spiteful and impatient towards her – this behavior is violent/deceitful/cruel and simply unacceptable. She was merely giving me her answer to my question, obviously she didn't know what I wanted to hear, and even if she did it is irrelevant. What is relevant is my starting point as/when I ask a question. I must take responsibility and be clear within myself as to what I am asking another, clear within myself so I know if I am looking for validation or am actually asking a question.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse asking questions by asking them within a starting point of manipulation/ego and not from an innocent starting point of asking a question from a starting point of humbleness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the tool of asking questions by using it to validate myself as mind/ago and not learn/expand my perspective through the support/assistance of another

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to within asking questions to validate myself I have been participating in self-doubt from the perspective that I require hearing from another that which I already know because I lack self-trust. Within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself within/as breath and to build self-trust within every step / decision / action I make, taking responsibility for my steps / decisions / actions and standing by/as them to learn from them and expand as I walk/learn

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist as pride, not allowing myself to express myself within humbleness and thus asking questions from a starting point of pride/ego and not from a starting point of humbleness/innocence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others in asking them questions while indirectly I want them to say what I want to hear and am not really interested in their actual answer to the question, thus using them as tools to fulfill my desire for validation and insecurities

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ask questions within a starting point of hope that I will be confirmed and validated and thus I ask within an expectation to hear a specific answer, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, when i am disappointed for not getting the answer I wanted, to lash out within spitefulness at the one that was handing me their answer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within anger/spitefulness towards those that did not give me the answer I desired, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be grateful towards them for opening up and expressing themselves to give me an answer, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take for granted that people are answering me and thus allow myself to lash out within spitefulness towards them if I don't get what I want

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that I am actually asking a question when in fact I am deceiving in attempt to hear what I want to hear, to be validated and confirmed

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself and thus require to ask others questions that I already know the answer within myself, only to be validated and confirmed,  which results in an energetic reaction as happiness/relief when I am validated or and energetic reaction as disappointment/spitefulness when I am not validated.

I commit myself to building self-trust through not asking questions when I already know what I want to hear, but rather trust myself while investigating the starting point of the desired answer to make sure I align myself to what is best for all rather than being motivated/directed by self-interest/ego

I commit myself to when I see myself going into reaction for getting the 'wrong' answer  I stop and breathe, I forgive myself for manipulating/deceiving myself and another, and correct myself in the moment by stopping my participation within the reaction

I commit myself to clearing my starting point before asking questions, and if I find myself asking a question from a starting point of wanting to be validated, I stop myself and breathe.

I commit myself to when hearing an answer I didn't want to hear due to asking a question from a starting point of wanting to hear a specific answer, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to react within anger/spitefulness, I realize I have been manipulating this person to give me what I wanted and it is unacceptable, so I stop my participation within such a construct.

day 9 - what do I fear losing if I were to change - part 2

Why do I fear losing people/relationships? Why am I holding on to them? What do they mean to me? What do they function as? Why do I need the acceptance of others in order to accept myself?

I use people as a source of validation; through validation I receive confidence,

Why do I need others in my life? Deciding what to wear


 I forgive myself I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not capable of "good" fashion decisions and thus have accepted myself as less than fashion/cloths, within this I forgive myself for allowing/accepting myself to exist within the belief that there is a right/wrong way to dress and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dressing the "wrong" way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on what I wear within the attempt to be good/right/fashionable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being "caught" as a bad dresser and being criticized by my friends, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of having people think I am a bad dresser and thus suppress myself as to not allow myself to be vulnerable as to not be criticized

I realize I have been allowing myself to tip toe around the fear of criticism instead of allowing myself to self-express in self-trust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as good/bad according to wither I am fashionable or not, and within this connection I expect other to define/see me in regards to how I dress and thus I fear dressing "wrong" and being seen badly in the eyes of others, not realizing it is all in my mind within the starting point of placing value to how I look/dress as fashion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within the participation of valuing fashion/looks I have created a dependency to others within the belief that I am not fashionable and thus require their assistance to help me decide what to wear to be accepted by society and in turn, through their eyes, accepted by myself

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create relationships with others and accept them to assist me in deciding what to wear to be able to walk outside within confidence that I fit in with society and not being looked down upon due to exposing the "fact" that I don't know how to dress

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ask others how I should dress or what they think about what I am wearing, within the hidden desire that they say what I want to hear and thus validate me, and if they do not say what I want to hear by saying that what I am wearing is a bad choice I become upset and spiteful towards them, within blaming them for betraying me for not supporting me as how I dress.. lol – I ask them for their opinion within the desire to have them agree with me, and when their opinion does not agree with me I become upset at them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place others in a position of expecting them to please me and when they don't I react and blame them within myself for not being open and accepting towards me, not realizing that if I was open and accepting towards myself I would not have to manipulate them into such a situation to begin with

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use others to validate myself within asking them how I look and lash out on them if they do not like what I have on, thus exposing myself as manipulative as I have not asked them their opinion in order to actually know what they think but rather I have asked them within the starting point of the desire that they will validate me, to be able to have confidence through their validation, but if I do not get what I desire as validation I become upset and lash out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I don't have good taste in fashion and thus I require others to help me out while creating a dependency, instead of looking at the point of self-belief and investigating why/how I have accepted the belief/idea that I require assistance in deciding what to wear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea/self-belief that I don't know how to dress, and thus create an inferiority within myself and a dependency on others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am incompetent in deciding what to wear and thus create a dependency for other to help me out because I have lost through this self-belief any self-trust in regards to fashion and thus I must rely on others to help me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more value on what others think instead of realizing all opinions are equally meaningless in regards to actual life and thus there is no point to value one opinion rather than another and thus by accepting others opinions above my own I am participating within the polarity of the mind as inferiority

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I am inferior to the point of fashion and thus have allowed myself to create a dependency on others within the belief that they are more qualified than me to decide what looks nice and what not.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to trust other's taste/opinion rather than my own in regards to fashion/cloths and thus have created myself as separate then what I wear, within that allowing myself to experience stress each morning when I get dressed within fear of not doing it right when/if I don't have someone to ask how I look

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on people telling me how I look to have the confidence to go out within believing I look nice, within that I have time and time again disregarded myself as self-expression 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within the fear of losing people in my life due to the dependency I have on them, exist the freedom from the fear of judgment from others due to not being a good dresser, within this I see the inner conflict showing me that I fear both having people in my life judging me and not having people in my life to save me from the judgment – I realize now both fears cannot be real but a mind manipulation and in fact the point of the matter is not allowing myself self-acceptance, self-trust and instead participating within self-judgment, I bring the point back to self and realize the projection I have placed on to others instead of taking self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing people due the fear of not having friends to help me with that which I see myself as incapable of doing on my own, thus using "friend" as insurance to help me in need, not valuing them as beings but only as a function to assist me when necessary

I commit myself to when I experience doubt as to what I am wearing to stop and breathe, to direct myself to find within myself the self-acceptance and inner direction as to what I want to wear

I commit myself to when I experience myself within fear of judgment from others due to what I am wearing, to stop and breathe, I realize I am projecting my own self judgment onto others and that in fact I do not fear their judgment but am showing myself the self-judgment I am participating wing, I realize I am able to stop the judgment within a breath and return here within/as the physical

I commit myself to when becoming obsessed by "what to wear" to stop and breathe, I remind myself the actual function of cloths, I remind myself that every opinion is equally an opinion and has not actual value as life within/as the physical, I allow myself to focus on the physical function of the cloths and not on the fear of judgment created by the mind

I commit myself to when I find myself using others to be validated by their approval, I stop myself within breath, and if/when I find myself becoming upset for not being validated I stop and breathe, I stop participation in manipulation through asking people what they think when in fact I only want to hear what I want.

day 8 - what do I fear losing if I were to change - part 1

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing people in my life, not realizing that by trying to hold onto them I am losing myself within not allowing myself to actually be/live/change as myself

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to restrict and limit myself as self-expression within the consideration of what others around me will think, and thus compromise myself as life within the justification/belief that I will live a better life by having these people around me, not realizing that I have given up on living and myself as life within the attempt of pleasing them within the starting point of fear of them leaving me

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to project my self-judgment onto others within the belief that I am acting in a specific way to please "them" not realizing that I have been using "them" to hide the judgment I hold towards myself, and thus manipulating myself to act in a specific way that I find acceptable through the belief that I am doing it to please "them" as if it is an external expectation forced upon me, not realizing that I am in fact creating it and participating within/as it

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within the fear of losing people due to not acting or being as they expect me to be, instead of realizing that these expectation have been put on by myself within my acceptance of these expectations, and thus I have created the expectation and have been forcing myself to live according to it, not once considering letting go the expectation and allowing myself to live within/as breath as life here in the moment

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear losing people and thus fear "rocking the boat" because I fear that if I change, those around me will not approve/like the change and will leave me, yet I haven't considered that living involves changing and if I limit myself due to fear of change because I don't trust others to accept me within my change I must take a look on what am I projecting upon them – and face the question why do I fear not accepting myself within changing? I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself unconditionally, and thus fear losing my own self-acceptance once I change within fear of making a mistake as turning in the wrong direction

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself within changing, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am here in every moment of every breath, and as long as I am self-directing myself within/as changing I am responsible and able to trust myself within self-honesty

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself and within that fear I will make a mistake and will not realize it in time to fix it, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself here as life, within every breath I am here, within making a mistake I am here, and thus within the realization that I am here nothing can change/move me

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear change within the idea that I as self as life can change, not realizing that anything that changes is the mind made persona as personality/habbits/opinions/perspectives and thus the fear of changing is the fear of the mind changing into what is best for all. I realize any fear of change is a mind made fear and not real as life as breath.

I commit myself to when finding myself participate in fear of change I stop and breathe, I return to self here as breath and act within the principle of what is best for all. I realize that I must push through the fear as it comes up in the physical reality.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear pushing through changes and actually acting different than what I am use to, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be directed and motivated by this fear instead of being stable and committed to act within the principle of what is best for all and not allowing myself to be influenced by the mind made fear of change, within fearing the unknown as a new behavior  

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not being able to accept me within my changes while not facing the point as self, within looking at what am I not accepting within/as myself that I am hiding from myself through projecting fear of un-acceptance from others

I commit myself to turning any blame I am holding towards others back to self within allowing myself to see the points I am rejecting myself upon within specificity

I commit myself to when the fear of losing people come up to stop and breathe, to realize it is not about them not accepting me but only about self-acceptance

I commit myself to pushing through the fear of the unknown, as I push myself to change within the principle of what is best for all, taking on one point at a time, allowing myself to expand into the unknown within the realization that I am here within and as breath

I commit myself to breathe, and walk day by day, breath by breath