day 10 - Ask a stupid question – get a stupid answer

Ask a stupid question – get a stupid answer

I find myself asking question from many starting points beside the basic and innocent starting point of simply asking a question.

I find myself asking a question within the starting point of the desire to hear a specific answer, which means that I already hold the answer within me when I am asking the question, so the reason I am asking anyway is because I would like to hear it from someone else, I would like them to confirm it to me – this indicating that I do not trust myself.

When I am validated by 'them' giving me the answer I want, I will feel good, but when 'they' answer in a way that is unexpected/undesired I react in anger and spitefulness, I act as if there was a 'right' answer and a 'wrong' answer, but if I know within me to recognize the 'right' or 'wrong' answer, why am I asking someone else to begin with?

Asking someone while expecting a specific answer is like testing them. I am testing them but I disguise the test as an innocent question, and when they fail the test I take it personally and become upset, as if they have failed me.

The reaction I experience as emotional energy can be used as support, as it is an indication that I got the 'wrong' answer, not the answer I was hoping for, thus is pointing my attention back to self, to face the question: what was the answer I actually wanted to hear? Why did I want someone else to tell me that which I already know? Why am I hiding from myself the true motives of my actions?

Today I asked my mom: "if I continue swimming a few times a week, how long would it take for my body to show that I started swimming" what I mean was "when will I lose weight and my body will look better/thinner/toner?"

Whatever she said was not what I wanted to hear, and I became spiteful and impatient towards her – this behavior is violent/deceitful/cruel and simply unacceptable. She was merely giving me her answer to my question, obviously she didn't know what I wanted to hear, and even if she did it is irrelevant. What is relevant is my starting point as/when I ask a question. I must take responsibility and be clear within myself as to what I am asking another, clear within myself so I know if I am looking for validation or am actually asking a question.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse asking questions by asking them within a starting point of manipulation/ego and not from an innocent starting point of asking a question from a starting point of humbleness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the tool of asking questions by using it to validate myself as mind/ago and not learn/expand my perspective through the support/assistance of another

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to within asking questions to validate myself I have been participating in self-doubt from the perspective that I require hearing from another that which I already know because I lack self-trust. Within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself within/as breath and to build self-trust within every step / decision / action I make, taking responsibility for my steps / decisions / actions and standing by/as them to learn from them and expand as I walk/learn

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist as pride, not allowing myself to express myself within humbleness and thus asking questions from a starting point of pride/ego and not from a starting point of humbleness/innocence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others in asking them questions while indirectly I want them to say what I want to hear and am not really interested in their actual answer to the question, thus using them as tools to fulfill my desire for validation and insecurities

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ask questions within a starting point of hope that I will be confirmed and validated and thus I ask within an expectation to hear a specific answer, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, when i am disappointed for not getting the answer I wanted, to lash out within spitefulness at the one that was handing me their answer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within anger/spitefulness towards those that did not give me the answer I desired, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be grateful towards them for opening up and expressing themselves to give me an answer, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take for granted that people are answering me and thus allow myself to lash out within spitefulness towards them if I don't get what I want

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that I am actually asking a question when in fact I am deceiving in attempt to hear what I want to hear, to be validated and confirmed

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself and thus require to ask others questions that I already know the answer within myself, only to be validated and confirmed,  which results in an energetic reaction as happiness/relief when I am validated or and energetic reaction as disappointment/spitefulness when I am not validated.

I commit myself to building self-trust through not asking questions when I already know what I want to hear, but rather trust myself while investigating the starting point of the desired answer to make sure I align myself to what is best for all rather than being motivated/directed by self-interest/ego

I commit myself to when I see myself going into reaction for getting the 'wrong' answer  I stop and breathe, I forgive myself for manipulating/deceiving myself and another, and correct myself in the moment by stopping my participation within the reaction

I commit myself to clearing my starting point before asking questions, and if I find myself asking a question from a starting point of wanting to be validated, I stop myself and breathe.

I commit myself to when hearing an answer I didn't want to hear due to asking a question from a starting point of wanting to hear a specific answer, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to react within anger/spitefulness, I realize I have been manipulating this person to give me what I wanted and it is unacceptable, so I stop my participation within such a construct.