day 9 - what do I fear losing if I were to change - part 2

Why do I fear losing people/relationships? Why am I holding on to them? What do they mean to me? What do they function as? Why do I need the acceptance of others in order to accept myself?

I use people as a source of validation; through validation I receive confidence,

Why do I need others in my life? Deciding what to wear


 I forgive myself I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not capable of "good" fashion decisions and thus have accepted myself as less than fashion/cloths, within this I forgive myself for allowing/accepting myself to exist within the belief that there is a right/wrong way to dress and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dressing the "wrong" way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on what I wear within the attempt to be good/right/fashionable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being "caught" as a bad dresser and being criticized by my friends, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of having people think I am a bad dresser and thus suppress myself as to not allow myself to be vulnerable as to not be criticized

I realize I have been allowing myself to tip toe around the fear of criticism instead of allowing myself to self-express in self-trust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as good/bad according to wither I am fashionable or not, and within this connection I expect other to define/see me in regards to how I dress and thus I fear dressing "wrong" and being seen badly in the eyes of others, not realizing it is all in my mind within the starting point of placing value to how I look/dress as fashion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within the participation of valuing fashion/looks I have created a dependency to others within the belief that I am not fashionable and thus require their assistance to help me decide what to wear to be accepted by society and in turn, through their eyes, accepted by myself

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create relationships with others and accept them to assist me in deciding what to wear to be able to walk outside within confidence that I fit in with society and not being looked down upon due to exposing the "fact" that I don't know how to dress

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ask others how I should dress or what they think about what I am wearing, within the hidden desire that they say what I want to hear and thus validate me, and if they do not say what I want to hear by saying that what I am wearing is a bad choice I become upset and spiteful towards them, within blaming them for betraying me for not supporting me as how I dress.. lol – I ask them for their opinion within the desire to have them agree with me, and when their opinion does not agree with me I become upset at them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place others in a position of expecting them to please me and when they don't I react and blame them within myself for not being open and accepting towards me, not realizing that if I was open and accepting towards myself I would not have to manipulate them into such a situation to begin with

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use others to validate myself within asking them how I look and lash out on them if they do not like what I have on, thus exposing myself as manipulative as I have not asked them their opinion in order to actually know what they think but rather I have asked them within the starting point of the desire that they will validate me, to be able to have confidence through their validation, but if I do not get what I desire as validation I become upset and lash out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I don't have good taste in fashion and thus I require others to help me out while creating a dependency, instead of looking at the point of self-belief and investigating why/how I have accepted the belief/idea that I require assistance in deciding what to wear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea/self-belief that I don't know how to dress, and thus create an inferiority within myself and a dependency on others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am incompetent in deciding what to wear and thus create a dependency for other to help me out because I have lost through this self-belief any self-trust in regards to fashion and thus I must rely on others to help me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more value on what others think instead of realizing all opinions are equally meaningless in regards to actual life and thus there is no point to value one opinion rather than another and thus by accepting others opinions above my own I am participating within the polarity of the mind as inferiority

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I am inferior to the point of fashion and thus have allowed myself to create a dependency on others within the belief that they are more qualified than me to decide what looks nice and what not.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to trust other's taste/opinion rather than my own in regards to fashion/cloths and thus have created myself as separate then what I wear, within that allowing myself to experience stress each morning when I get dressed within fear of not doing it right when/if I don't have someone to ask how I look

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on people telling me how I look to have the confidence to go out within believing I look nice, within that I have time and time again disregarded myself as self-expression 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within the fear of losing people in my life due to the dependency I have on them, exist the freedom from the fear of judgment from others due to not being a good dresser, within this I see the inner conflict showing me that I fear both having people in my life judging me and not having people in my life to save me from the judgment – I realize now both fears cannot be real but a mind manipulation and in fact the point of the matter is not allowing myself self-acceptance, self-trust and instead participating within self-judgment, I bring the point back to self and realize the projection I have placed on to others instead of taking self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing people due the fear of not having friends to help me with that which I see myself as incapable of doing on my own, thus using "friend" as insurance to help me in need, not valuing them as beings but only as a function to assist me when necessary

I commit myself to when I experience doubt as to what I am wearing to stop and breathe, to direct myself to find within myself the self-acceptance and inner direction as to what I want to wear

I commit myself to when I experience myself within fear of judgment from others due to what I am wearing, to stop and breathe, I realize I am projecting my own self judgment onto others and that in fact I do not fear their judgment but am showing myself the self-judgment I am participating wing, I realize I am able to stop the judgment within a breath and return here within/as the physical

I commit myself to when becoming obsessed by "what to wear" to stop and breathe, I remind myself the actual function of cloths, I remind myself that every opinion is equally an opinion and has not actual value as life within/as the physical, I allow myself to focus on the physical function of the cloths and not on the fear of judgment created by the mind

I commit myself to when I find myself using others to be validated by their approval, I stop myself within breath, and if/when I find myself becoming upset for not being validated I stop and breathe, I stop participation in manipulation through asking people what they think when in fact I only want to hear what I want.