Day 223 - Old Boy - Revenge

I have watched the movie Old Boy, read and was inspired by these two following blogs, my writing is building upon that which I have read, so please go ahead and read them for better context.

http://viktorpersson.com/2014/09/day-168-old-boy-the-revenge/

http://michaelwilliammcdonald.blogspot.com/2014/09/day-656-old-boy-revenge.html

After watching the movie and reading the blogs, the point that is coming up for me, in regards to how we can learn from the movie to better ourselves and our life experience, is by taking it all back to self.

The movie is clearly about two men stuck in a revenge cycle, where the one imprisons the other for 15 years as revenge for something he blames him for that happened in their childhood, then the other seeks to pay back the man who imprisoned him, only to find that the revenge wasn't over. They hurt innocent bystanders as each other's loved ones and associates as part of their revenge towards one another. They stop at nothing. They are moved, motivated and controlled by revenge, it is all they see, it is all they live for.

These men have given up their lives in possession and obsession of revenge.

The movie is expressed in a very extreme way and thus makes it very clear for the viewers to see the madness that revenge can drive us to, within that as well to see how wasteful and utterly ludicrous this revengeful behavior is, to spend ones entire life in revenge, instead of letting go, starting fresh, and allowing oneself to enjoy and live a full life.

Once I can see the construct clearly within the movie, presented in the for of one man doing to or against another man, I like to ask myself where else do I see this construct in my life and environment. Where do I see the same play out played by different characters.

What intrigues me most within exploring the lessons I can derive from this movie, is to research this construct of revenge as I see it playing out within myself, as myself and towards myself. In other words, seeing this construct, as it exists externally, equally existing internally, within the principle of "as within so without".

Let me explore the situations where I revenge myself, hold onto grudges towards myself and blame myself for things that are long gone from my physical experience, yet I hold on, judge, punish and revenge myself for them, maintaining and perpetuating this endless cycle of self abuse.

When I say revenge as an act of self abuse, I see it as any form of deliberate self abuse (all abuse is deliberate), done based on some point of blame, shame, guilt, judgment from the past (it is all from the past) - so basically  lot of self talk, communication with self, if not supportive, is a form of revenge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to revenge myself as I hold onto memories of things I've done or said and regret, blame, shame and judge myself for them, instead of forgiving myself within the starting point of learning and expanding from the experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within / as myself as I revenge myself in blame / judgment / regret, as if the one me will do something that the other me will not approve of and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the revenge I am inflicting upon myself, as punishment and abuse is an indication of a time where I allowed myself to not be in alignment with myself, where within participating in revenge I am perpetuating that very same structure of not being in alignment within and as myself, and thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take that experience / memory as a point of growth, expansion and learning rather than beating myself up in revenge, blame and punishment

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have used revenge to justify to myself the continuing participating in thoughts / words / deeds that are not in alignment with that which is best for all in self honesty, where I allow myself to think / speak / act in self interest and abuse / harm myself and /or others in the name of protecting my mind / characters and then I justify / validate / maintain the cycle by punishing myself in blame / judgment and in doing so revenging myself for allowing myself to fuck up in the first place, instead of seeing this whole entire play out, as seeing the fuck up and the revenge that will follow, and to simply stop

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in the past as to remind myself of how "I fucked up", "I should have done it this way or that way", "I shouldn't have done that", where in each time I remind me I am doing so in blame, shame and guilt as the form of revenge, as a way to punish myself for what I have allowed in the past, rather than investigating my past mistakes from a starting point of neutral self exploration, within the realization that only through seeing myself clearly, without any judgment, just seeing simply who / how I have allowed myself to be / do / act / say, only through facing myself in forgiveness can I actually start a fresh page and free myself from the chains that the past holds on me as long as I allow it, within holding on to revenge.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing mysel to see that the point of payback as revenge is an indication of living in the past and thus compromising self here for the sake of the idea / memory of my perspective of what had happened in the past, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the point of revenge will inevitably become a point of regret and thus a point of a self judgment / blame and thus the cycle of revenge continues,  instead of simply stopping

When and as I see myself participating in revenge, towards myself or towards others, in form of thought, word or action, I stop myself and breathe, I stop the revengeful though, I stop the justifying thought, I stop the belief that I was wronged or was wrong, I stop it all and breathe. I bring myself back here and notice the physical body that is here as me. And within breath I speak self forgiveness on the origin point and the reaction in revenge that came up.

Day 222 - Just Fucking Do It

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk about the things I want to do instead of actually doing them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk about thing I want to do as if I am planning to do them when in fact I am talking about them as a way to express to others my direction without having to ever go there

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the more I talk about a point I want to do / accomplish the less likely I am to actually do it, because if I were to do it I would just fucking do it

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that talking about a point is avoidance of actually walking the point

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that talking about a point from the starting point of making myself look as if I am walking the point or am about to walk it is self dishonesty, as separating myself into two beings, the one who talks as if I will do or am doing something, and the one who is existing in avoidance and isn't actually doing it, thus being split between my words and my deeds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a loop for myself where I see and realize that I am trapped in an endless cycle of talking about a point and not walking it but at the same time still believing myself to be actually trapped, not realizing that I can simply stop the cycle in one decision, in one breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a cycle for myself where I am already sick and tired of hearing myself speak about the things I want to do, such as to support myself in writing, and then as I see myself not do it to judge myself and add self hatred to the situation, instead of simply seeing myself in the loop and make a deliberate decision in that moment to take immediate action and to for example sit down to write

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create such a big deal out of sitting down and writing where I have become so intimidated of writing that it really seems like a huge point to tackle, when in fact I have been writing since the first grade, and it is not in fact a big huge task, but rather one that I simply must direct myself to do, and once I start doing it each time I realize that not only is it not as hard / scary as I feared, but in most cases I rather end up enjoying myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remind myself that I do in fact enjoy writing and that many things that I tend to avoid and feel like I have to fight with myself in order to do are things that once I allow myself to get started I actually enjoy them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to re-live the pattern/memory from my childhood where my parents would urge me to go into the bath and I would fight them not to but once I was in I would love it so much that I wouldn't want to get out

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to learn from the memory above but instead to re-live it as to be frozen in time within it, instead of evolving / growing from it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend so much of my time and energy in trying to avoid doing the things I really want to do, instead of just fucking doing it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fill up my time with complaining about not wanting to do the things I actually on a deeper level want to do, or complaining about not doing the things I say I want to do, instead of just fucking doing them

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to establish a clear starting point within myself as to why I want to do the things I say I want to do

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that without a clear starting point it is no surprise that it has been hard for me to stay dedicated to a decision that I am unclear about what it stands for and who I am within it.

I commit myself to find and define within myself a clear starting point, to investigate what that even means to me, to create from within myself the definition of why am I walking and where am I going.

I also commit myself to write daily, even if just one sentence of self forgiveness or one point of realization, I commit to write out a self directed supportive statement / paragraph / blog each day. Within this, I commit myself, if resistance to writing still comes up, to write about the resistance and not allow myself to be directed by it, but rather to take it as a point of self discovery and exploration, and at the very least, as something to write about.

Day 221 - The Desteni of Living - My Declaration of Principle

Here are the living principles that I stand by - I commit myself to persist in the process of becoming these living principles as the expression of myself. 

1.       Realising and living my utmost potential

2.       Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

3.       Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

4.       Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

5.       Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

6.       Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment  and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well

7.       Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others

8.       With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own

9.       Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me

10.    Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE

11.    No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone

12.    Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today

13.    Honouring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for everyone and everything and so ourselves

14.    Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one

15.    Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.

16.    Realising that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come

17.    I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth

18.    I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living world.

19.    Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of breath

20.    Realising that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me

21.    We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realise this, as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are, within and without

22.    The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

23.    The realisation that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on Earth

Day 220 – I should have

I just had a conversation with someone and they pointed out that I use the word “should” rather often, that I am stating towards myself that I “should” this and “should” that – and they mentioned that it is not a supportive form of self expression. After my initial resistance and reaction of justifying that it is as a legitimate form of self expression and self communication as any other, I want ahead and took a deeper look at the point.

I have noticed a tendency that I have been participating within, where I express myself in form of “should”, where I tell myself what I “should” be doing and who I “should” have become by now…  This self talk has not been empowering but rather has a self defeating aspect to it, where I put myself down and beat myself up by telling myself how much better I should have been by now – doing so within the experience and expression towards myself that I am a failure for not achieving that which I “should” have achieved by now.

Now that I am exploring this point of expression of “I should have” and shedding some light on the matter, what I am seeing is that there are two ways to use that expression– one as an expression of self support and one as self sabotage – it all depends on the starting point, the experience, and the actions that follow.

An example to how I have been using the “I should have” as self sabotage is expressed in my previous blog, where, for example, I have a tendency to compare myself to others that have walked their process a similar amount of time and thus I use that comparison to state towards myself in self judgment that I should have been able to be as effective as they are within my stand, I use the facts against me, I interpret them in a way that does not encourage me to grow/expand but rather I use it as justification to quit or to avoid that which will support me in walking towards my goal of, for example, greater effectiveness and clarity – in this example it is clear that I am using the “I should have” as a form of comparison and belittling. Imagine for a moment a situation when a parent would compare their child to their friend that got a better grade and would tell them something like this: “Why can’t you be more like X, he got an A, you should have gotten an A as well, you have the same teacher, you go to the same class, why can’t you be more like them, they must simply be better than you, maybe you should even stop trying because apparently you are a loser…”

This type of communication, whether expressed towards others or towards self is obviously not supportive nor does it encourage growth, and at the same time it does not offer any support or solutions in order to reach the goal and achieve the point of comparison. This form of “I should have” is thus a form of self sabotage. I must admit that I am guilty as charged… as this is the main form of “I should have” that I have been participating within.

But, as I have mentioned above, I am finding that there is another way to use this expression of “I should have” from within a starting point of self support, or at the very least to use this expression as a tool for self support, as a flag point, until the point is transcended. Here is what I have found.

The supportive form of using the expression of “I should have” would be done from a starting point and intention of learning and growth – in such a situation one would use comparison as a tool to see what ones potential might be if one were to apply oneself effectively, in the example of the parents and the child it would look something like this: “look, if X is getting A’s all it means is that it can be done, you go to same class and have the same teacher as X, which means you should be able to get an A as well – let’s see together what we can do to figure out why you are not reaching your potential and how we can help you in being the best that you can be, not within the intention of you being as good as X is, because it is not about them, it is about you and how we can help you reach your potential - so you are living the best version of yourself, lets learn from X and see what they are doing to succeed…”

The point here is that we can use the comparison to indicate there is a challenge that we want to put our attention on, and then we use the comparison for self growth rather than for self sabotage and judgment and belittlement. So by saying ”I should be able to do/be this or that, because I see X is doing it, or because I have an idea of the level of accomplishment that I can reach” can simply be an indication of ones unreached potential from a starting point of encouragement rather than belittlement, a starting point of self motivation for growth and expansion as an opportunity to push oneself to walk through all perceived limitations and actually achieve that which might seem as impossible.

By looking at those around us that are walking a similar path and comparing ourselves to them within a starting point of self support we can then learn from their example, we can investigate their habits, we can observe their application, we can perhaps communicate with them directly and ask about their struggles and challenges and get insight as to how they overcame them – both to get practical ideas from those who have walked the path before us, and also because in many cases we create ideas about others, not realizing the time and effort they had actually put in to their success, making it seem to an outside observer that it is so easy for them, while in fact they have gone through a process to reach the level of success that we are admiring.

The word “should” can thus live as a reminder for that – so, from now on, I commit myself to whenever I catch myself using the word “should” within the phrase “I should have”, to check my starting point and see if I am in self sabotage or self support and to realign myself if necessary – within this, I commit myself to changing my relationship towards the word “should”, from seeing it as a negative word and turning it into a supportive tool, as a flag point of support, reminding me to check and change my starting point if I see necessary, as well as to allow myself to see that which I am reaching for, the goal that I believe I should have reached, and to find practical ways to move myself towards that goal, within braking through the perceived limitation that is hiding behind the statement of “I should” as if to say “I should but I can’t” thus to change it to “if I should be doing that, then I can do it, then I will do it, let me find the way to get there”.

I see more points opening up within me in relation to this point – thus I will continue on this point in my next post.

Day 219 – The spark of life

It’s been about a year since my last blog, I did actually write one after Bernard passed, but didn’t push myself to make it into a renewed habit – so here I am on day 219.

I am learning to appreciate the concept of counting our blogs as days, marking the accumulation of our physical walk, as the writing we post each day, and not allowing us to believe that the accumulation of time is an indication of self movement, which is what I have been experiencing believing – my experience was that I have been walking for about 5 years and I have been holding on to this sense of self that I “should” be at some level of awareness because I have been walking for so long, and I have compared myself to others who have walked for as long as I have, seeing their progress, seeing their effectiveness and believing that I should have been at their level because I have been walking about the same time.

Within this I have not taken into consideration the actual reality of the situation (and this is where our mind is so tricky - always noticing that which will cause turmoil and inner conflict and friction) what I didn’t consider is the consistency of my application, because I have not actually been walking for 5 years, I have been walking the accumulation of the moments that I have made a deliberate decision to walk, to be here, to choose self honesty, to choose breath, to choose self support. And as the days of my blogs state, just as one form of activity that can be measured, I have not been walking daily for 5 years - in the past two years, looking at my blogs, I have walked daily for 7 months in accumulation of this specific type of actual physical activity – now, this is not to say that one is measured by their blogs, no, what I mean to point out here, especially to myself, is that it is pointless to judge myself according to an idea that I should be at some level, based on an ineffective tool of measurement such as linear time, when in fact the accumulation of my application is not based on time moving forward, but on me actually applying myself.

It is not time that will change me. It is me that must change myself.

So, here I am again, making the commitment to stop judging myself in comparison to others that have walk more consistently and more effectively than myself, but to learn from them, to inspire myself to realize that I too can make the decision and actually walk it.

Right before starting this blog I found an old blog I had written, some years ago, and I was amazed at how many of the points are the same, it was frustrating and almost humiliating to see that I have not moved, but at the same time that is what made me see once again the foolishness of this self judgment, so I am grateful for that, as here I am, writing (yey) – the point is that if I don’t walk the walk, how can I expect myself to change – by doing so I am just forming a self sabotaging loop, where I am both not walking and on top of that also judging myself for not changing – allowing myself to exist in that polarity which will get me nowhere but further down the depths of my mind.

What I did see through reading that blog and now, within the process of writing this one is that even though I am still walking the same points, what is clear is that both then and now I have a spark of awareness within me, that point within me that does want to self realize, to expand, to unleash and be free, to overcome the limited existence I have allowed myself and to live up to my true potential – this point of awareness is here with me, as me, now, as much as it was then, so what I see and realize is that this spark is not letting go, it is here to stay - that gives me a sense of relief, realizing that this spark within me that wants to live, is not going away. Within this I also realize my responsibility of nurturing that spark and allowing it to grow and expand within me, as me.