Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Day 190 - What defines me?

I've been writing in the past few days about self commitment, this following blog is extracted from my writings, which once I finish I will publish here as well, but for now just a few realizations that came up as I was walking through some points.




I realize in each moment, in each breath, in each decision, I am faced with two options, I can support myself or not, I can direct myself or not, I can stand stable in breath or not, I can respect myself or not, I can honor myself as life or not, I can care for myself or not, I can be self honest or not, I can do what is actually in my best and highest interest as following the principle of equality and oneness and acting in alignment to what is best for all, or not.


I have a choice in each moment, and in each moment I am making and living out my decision – each decision accumulates and joins the rest, and in each decision I am creating myself, expressing who I am, as what I am deciding myself to be, what I am accepting and allowing myself to be and exist as.


It’s like each decision is a brick in the wall of myself as who I am, and so I must chose which bricks to build myself with, and these bricks will define the outcome of who I am – which brick am I using / going to use / have allowed myself to use in order to build myself from? And, am I brave enough to tare to wall down once I see that it is built with rotten and destructive bricks, will I allow myself to brake the wall of myself down in order to rebuild myself in self directive awareness?


I commit myself to dedicate myself to “accumulating bricks of self support” - when and as I see that I am participating in anything that is in contradiction to self support / self honor / self respect / self care / self honesty – I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that I have a choice in each and every moment, and must decide who I want to be and become, I am creating myself in every breath and in every decision – and so I breathe, and walk the practical application of self honor / self respect / self honesty / self support / self care within that moment. And I trust myself to know what to do, and how to live self support / honesty / respect / honor / care in every moment.


When and as I see myself participating in anything that contradicts self support, I stop myself and breathe, and I show myself in words what I am participating in, and within showing myself and bringing it to my awareness clearly, I stop and direct myself without any hesitation towards self support / care / honor / respect / honesty.


As I’m writing this I see, realize and understand clearly that walking this path of self support /self honesty is truly a path of no energy, it is simply following the decision to walk in self honesty, not following the desire / thrill / excitement, but only walk what is best for all, simplistically - one will not get a thrill by walking this path, one will not experience an excitement or any form of positive high energy – thus I must be willing to give up the desire / dependency / addiction to positive high energy – I see it as a giving up because I still attach positive value to positive energy, I have a memory experience of it being nice and fun, and the thought of giving it up has a negative energy to it, like a loss – but, here I realize that I am allowing myself to be defined and directed by a memory and a thought, a memory of a positive energetic experience and an emotional thought as the fear of losing the possibility of experiencing again, that which I have a memory of.


As I’m writing these words I am experience like a low energy, which is raising doubt within me “am I doing the right thing?” but I breathe, and I know that this doubt is just another thought, another energy, another point I didn’t direct and thus I must not allow myself to be directed by. Simple as that. I am experiencing it as a break up, as a mourning, as an acceptance that I must say goodbye to all energetic experiences / thrills - it’s funny, I am even looking for an energetic feeling within making this decision, wanting to know if I have made the right decision through the confirmation of a good feeling, but there isn’t any, and so, the tendency is to fall right into doubt.


Making a decision – realizing I must not follow excitement / energy – realizing that this means giving up on energy / excitement – noticing the experience / thought of it being giving up brings up self doubt as to whether I am doing the “right” thing for me or not - realizing it is just another thought as negative energy and I must not allow it to direct me – because I, as myself, in self clarity, in common sense, in self honesty have made a decision as to who I want to be and how I want to walk and what principle I want to be equal to within my application – and so, anything else is just distancing myself from my self directive decision as myself – I have been allowing myself to chase my own tale, going around in circles, and not getting anywhere, always reaching the same point again and again, instead of allowing myself to walk forward, into the direction I have set myself to walk in.


Shit, man, how long will I allow myself to continue this way before I am fed up with it??


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to feel / experience something positive within me when making a decision, and so, when the energy is not there, when there isn’t an excitement / thrill I go into self doubt towards the decision, but, within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and realize that I, as who I really am, as the physical, as breath, as life, as here - do not rely on energy, and thus a directive decision does not rely / depend on energy to prove it right – and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed / controlled/ enslaved by / to energy and within the seek / desire for constant energy to compromise myself and not stand equal to and one with my decisions


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I’ve got an energy problem, that I am addicted to energy, that I desire it and follow it and want it and will manipulate for it within a deep experience and self belief that I am nothing without it, a belief that life is meaningless without experiencing it energetically.


This is the point of experiencing a sadness towards the thought of giving up the thrills / excitements within deciding to only walk what is best for all, as self support – it’s a future projection of never again allowing myself to indulge in positive high energies - it’s funny, in my mind I compare my decision to give up the energy in making decisions to what people experience when they get married, as they are giving up the opportunity and within that the excitement to be with another partner, by committing to being monogamists - but, in actuality, in both scenarios, there isn’t anything to give up besides an idea, that’s what is so ridiculous.


Another small point I see is that I’ve made many decisions that I felt so good about, like this is the right thing to do and I’ll do it like this and like that… and I go into future projections and fantasies on how I achieve this decision, and then I don’t follow through as I did in my imagination, so in essence I have proven to myself that this energy in making a decision doesn’t last, and what lasts way after the energy has dissipated is the decision itself. And so not having the energy in the first place shouldn’t affect the decision in any way.



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