Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1

"writing is the dedicated action you take to structurally direct yourself to self trust and respect and value --its not just writing about anything--it is WHO you are when writing that counts" - Bernard Poolman


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to utilize structurally and consistently the tool of writing myself to freedom as well as self forgiveness, thus, not giving myself the opportunity to see, face, self realize and change myself, as I state in words that how much I want to but, in action I have not been pushing myself to live into the physical the words I speak / think.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to day after day imagine in my mind as future projection how I face myself, realize myself and change myself to stop with the emotional abuse that I have been accepting and allowing within / as myself, and instead learning to actually live as self trust, as a living stand within the principle equality and oneness within and without - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk the process of actually living this expression of self change, but instead I have only allowed myself to fantasize about it, while remaining who / what / how I am, giving myself and taking any excuse possible from small to large, instead of stopping the nonsense, taking a breath, and starting my process for myself, as myself, and in self dedication and honor.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience self doubt as I'm writing these lines, as I have written them many times before, as many times I have committed myself to myself in words, but them have not followed through in action - and thus, each time I fail my own self commitment to myself I doubt myself that much more, and now I ask myself how will I make this time any different? How will I actually stand by my commitment / decision, and actually walk this process of self writing, self investigation, to build and develop myself as self honesty and self trust? What has been the missing ingredient that if I just find it I will be more likely to stand by my word? - and once again, as I write I realize, the ingredient is me obviously.


I am the one who must decide, I am the one who must live to my commitment day by day, breath by breath, moment by moment, no one else can do this for me, no one can force me to do this, I am actually alone in this, if I don't do this for myself, if I give up on myself that is what will be, it is really only up to me - funny enough, I have been so busy running away from taking responsibility in every aspect of myself, and here I see that I am my responsibility weather I take it or not, but whatever I do, I will have to live with the consequences, so there is no escape route - but I've seen this before - I know, realize, see and understand that I am responsible for myself, for my experience, for my thoughts and behavior, for my suffering, for my self interest and accepted abuse, and I see that I cannot crawl into a cave and wait till this scene is over and join life after intermission - it's funny, because life is like the theatre in so many ways, but not from the perspective that it isn't, this is my one life, there are no second chances, there is no dress rehearsal, and there is no actual audience, we are all the actors and no one is looking at anybody but themselves.


So who am I acting for? Why am I not stopping this charade, and starting over, in humbleness, in self honesty, in self investigation to actually get to the bottom of myself and start over fresh?.... What and why am I holding onto myself - I mean, if I look at my days the part of which I am actually experiencing joy are minute, though I act like I am very joyful, why do I do that? And why am I accepting this as the only way to be, when I know what needs to be done, I know what I must do to support myself, yet I stand in the face of the choice, whether to support myself or not, and I choose not - why do I not care about myself enough to support myself unconditionally? Who will support myself if not me? Who will embrace me but myself? How will I ever be able to give to another that which I am not even able to give to myself? Is this the source cause of my isolation? Am I too afraid to open up to myself so I don't dare opening up to / with another?


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself, instead of looking practically at whether I can do this or not, and I see that yes, daily writing is something that practically I can indeed commit myself to, and so, I let go the past memories of failing myself within this very commitment, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail myself within not standing by / as my commitment to myself to write daily, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself deliberately within not standing by my commitment / decision to write, and within this, I realize that the only way to stand as this commitment is by writing daily, there is nothing big / great / energetic / special about it, simply writing daily.

So, here I am , starting over, dedicating myself to putting my past failures behind me, to let them go as to not keep them from holding me back - I am here now, and I commit myself to write and support myself as much as I can, and more - as I realize that the points that I am not supporting myself are not valid, and must be investigated and corrected.


Ok - so here was day 1, only a life time to go….


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Daniel said...

That quote resonated with me as well, and I too took on the point of reaffirming WHO I am in my writing. I appreciate reading your take on it. Glad to be walking with you Maya!

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