Friday, May 3, 2013

Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage

Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic


I have a nasty tendency to be hard on myself, to judge myself and the situation into expecting the worse, I assume, and prepare myself for the worst - this is completely self destructive, I mean - nothing good can come out of it, it is totally based in fear and doesn't not allow myself to actually put my heart into anything because I am so worried of failure that I don't even try.


I have recently made a career decision, and in the past few days I have been training for this career, the training is intensive, there is a lot to learn, know and perfect, so "naturally" I very often go to the "I'm still not good enough" character, which it's actually funny now that I look at it, because it is true that I am still not good enough - is a common sense fact that one must practice and only with consistent application and with experience, will one come to perfect one's application, but I haven't been saying to myself "I'm still not good enough" from a starting point of self honesty and common sense, but rather from a starting point of only seeing the worst, looking for the points of imperfection while ignoring the progress, getting a form of rush from not being good enough, as it validates my existence as a no-good-failure…


And, seriously, I mean, this is very fucked up, it is obviously not self supportive, it is actually self abuse - if I would treat a child as I treat myself I would be taken away for child abuse - I must learn to parent myself, to be my own parent, to practice self discipline and push myself to do the work that needs to be done, but also to gently embrace myself in self acceptance, in common sense, in realizing that everything that I will ever learn will always be a process, there are no real McDonald's quick fix magic, and thus, there is no point to beat me up while I'm learning but rather to nurture myself in support and understanding. Man, why is it so hard to care for myself enough to unconditionally give myself the chance to learn, expand and develop? I've had enough of this shit!!! And here self doubt comes up again, reminding me that I've had enough before and have did nothing about it, so why is this time going to be any different? What can I say to that?


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the past as memories to dictate who I am, instead of unconditionally letting go the past and allowing myself to direct myself here, in breath, in common sense and practicality, within self support as what is best for all life.


I realize that each time I allow myself to go down the rabbit's whole with this chain of thoughts as "why is this time going to be different" I am giving such thoughts power over me, as I am validating them through my participation, and so, I commit myself to stop myself in breath, if and when such thoughts come up, as thoughts that take the wind out of my sail so to speak, thoughts that are based in my past experience, trapping me to the past and depriving me the possibility of changing - and so, I commit myself to stop, and to as I have done just now, write out the point, expose my thoughts to myself so that I know what I am allowing myself to do / tell to myself. I realize that I have accumulated this character / personality over years, and that it will take years of stopping and forgiving to actually stop once and for all - and so, am I up for the challenge? Well, there is no other choice is there? I cannot un-know that which I know about myself, I cannot un-see that which I've seen, so I haven't really got an option, because it will always, always, always, come back to this, because there really is no where to run and hide, so there is no point trying, and trying to hide only makes things worse and only accumulates more shit to deal with.


Today, after a few days of training I have lost my voice - I see this as a physical manifestation of self sabotage, as an excuse to rest and take a break, and so, instead of taking a self directed brake, or on the contrary, instead of directing myself to push through the desire to rest and complete the task in constant self motivation, I have given myself a physical condition, another form of self victimization, using the body as an excuse to rest instead of being direct about it or directly pushing through it, either way, not being self honest with myself up to the point of manifesting a physical condition - I can also see this sudden loss of voice, as a justification for failure, as if proving to myself that even physically I don't have what it takes to succeed in the business. I can also see it as the expression of the fear of speaking up and being heard - but the bottom line is, no matter what the actual reason, it is based in self dishonesty in regards to fear, self inadequacy and self judgment - and I cannot stress this point enough - it's time to stop!!!


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the consequences my body is going through due to my participation in self sabotaging thoughts, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to scarifies my physical body, disregarding it completely, as I participate in fear, and self sabotaging instead of supporting myself here, as the physical as what is actually here as life


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that every moment spent in the mind as thoughts / back chat / emotions / fears / excitements, is a moment not spent here, within and as my physical body, and thus, is a moment spent in separation of / from myself, and thus, of / from reality


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the direct connection between my participation within / as the mind and the physical body suffering


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the consequences my physical body as myself, go through due to my addiction to the mind's patterns and energy, while using the excuse that I don't see / experience my direct responsibility to pain and suffering of my physical body, and thus to allow myself to continue within / as my mind, but in fact it is deliberate self deception, because regardless of what I don't see directly, I do see directly other forms of abuse and suffering cause by my participation within / as my mind, and I have yet to stop - so at least I should be self honest with myself and not pretend that I don't see the pain, because I do - it is all the same in all levels / dimension, and so, if my participation within / as the mind cause pain / suffering on any level, it causes pain / suffering in all levels - and it fucking does!!


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie to myself into believing that I would do something if I saw the pain, because I am a caring being and couldn't stand the sight / knowledge of suffering, but the fact is that all I have ever lived for has been self interest, and not actual care, and so, I forgive myself for judging myself for that, and therefore lying to myself, and instead I commit myself to developing self care within equality and oneness, and what is best for all life, and so to learn to care not only for myself in self interest, but for all as equals - and to become a being of self honor

It's interesting because I can see all scenarios, and I see how I am the only one responsible for the outcome - thus, I see, realize and understand that if I succeed of fail is completely up to me, I know this to be true, and within this, I know and can further more investigate, what are the points where I can set myself up for a fall, where are the points that will be a challenge and where there will be a point of decision - will I allow myself to push through and succeed, or will I accept my failure without even trying to push through such a predictable point / challenge…


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prepare the way before me towards failure


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself with not applying myself as effectively as I know I can, and then to judge myself for not applying myself as best as I can enhancing the experience of being a failure - not realizing how it is all directly created by myself, within my participation with these useless and destructive thoughts.


I forgive myself for judging myself for losing my voice, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider that my voice requires rest, and not to place value and more back chat over it, but simply allow my voice to rest and restore itself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go to self sabotage, self judgment, negativity and pessimism, as fast as an instinct, instead of allowing myself to slow myself down, and to breathe, and to not follow such thoughts patterns, like a lifeless puppet, but to allow myself to become the directive principle of my life, and actually direct myself into stability, and not allow myself to go into that evil state of self abuse - till here no further - that's enough!!


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