Monday, May 6, 2013
Day 191 – Daily writing commitment restart – Day 1
Day 192 – 21 days of self dedication - day 2 - I am a pessimistic
Day 193 - 21 days of self dedication - day 3 - self sabotage
Day 194 - 21 days of self dedication – misusing the desteni process
Day 195 - 21 days of self dedication - part 5 – but I am still here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the experience of isolation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and follow the thought that I don't know how to make friends, and so, when moving to a new place I will be isolated
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to validate my experience and fear of isolation through memories of me not initiating friendships, and thus, within holding on to these memories continue believing that it defines me as "I don't make friends"
Within this, I must investigate the definition I have given friendship, I have done this through out this blog series but obviously more investigation is required, as the point of isolation is related to the relationship I have with the definition I have given friendship.
As well as investigating the definition of being alone and standing alone - what does it mean to me and how can I define it in a self supportive way that I can live without polarity…
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself from others through not allowing myself to be here and self honest within / as myself, but instead I present a character that I imagine / assume is what others will want to see / be with, in order to be accepted and avoid isolation - not realizing that I am isolating myself before any body even gets a chance to do so to me, by not ever communicating for real as who I am as self expression within vulnerability.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this experience / character of isolation defines me, not realizing that by my participation I am giving it it's energy
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be dedicated to myself within actually investigating each thought / back chat that comes up in regards to the experience / self belief of isolation - within this, I realize that without forgiving and letting go of the hold on all that I have towards these memories, and thoughts / back chat, and without investigating the memories I will not be able to set myself free from this point - it is common sense, if I don't do anything about it - nothing will happen / change - and it would be a shame, because it is clear that this experience is not what is best for me, nor anyone, and so why would I allow and accept it to continue?
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that when a thought comes up and I then go into an emotional reaction - I am showing myself a preprogramed design, as I have not created this thought in that moment in awareness, and thus, it must have come from somewhere - thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take every thought / back chat / belief for granted as the truth of me and my reality, and not actually question the validity and see if their structure is at all acceptable by me - within this, I forgive myself for never stopping myself and investigating the origin of these thoughts / back chat, within allowing myself to see that they are coming from a data base of self definitions, created by accumulation of charged memories , and each time I participate with a thought and allow myself to be dragged into the emotional body, I am feeding the mind with the substance of my body, feeding the energy body until it is triggered to explode, as to when I have an emotional breakdown, as the energy dissipates, and then, without investigating and clearing up the point, there is no change, and thus, the energy begins to accumulate again, until the next explosion.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that within each such situation, I have an opportunity to stop myself from following and accepting the emotion experience / charge as myself, but instead to follow in awareness the line of energy, as to see be able to clearly see in full awareness where it leads me to - and through it all that I see, to forgive myself, and let go, and in physical reality when the point comes up - I stop myself and breathe
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow self beliefs, based on selected and highlighted past memories to be my god, and to direct and decide who I will be - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself, as my application, to past memories, that I have selectively chosen to prove to myself a specific character to be true - and so I have allowed myself to exist in an endless loop where the subconscious mind triggers thoughts for me to become emotional within an energetic charge, re-fueling the character, and so I do, and so I act in such a way that validates my self belief and so I believe it that much more to be true - when in fact it has created and recreated myself as the character / personality through my participation, and thus actually, it is all my creation and responsibility.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually look and open up the point of isolation, but instead to drift away to the general self forgiveness, which is valid and necessary as well, but seems to be a distraction at the moment, from actually focusing on the point of isolation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear open up this point and to expose myself within the details of experiencing myself as isolated
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself through trapping myself in isolation within not allowing myself to share this point to myself firstly and to others, as support for myself and others as myself - instead I hide in fear and isolation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find justifications to feel isolated within every social group, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as isolated from the people that are walking the desteni process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid / resist in fear making relationships / communications with others that are walking the desteni process, and thus living out the belief that I am isolated and do “not make friends”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire friendships / communication within a starting point of having someone to support me - thus, indicating that I am not yet willing to stand up alone within myself and support myself for / as myself, but instead want to develop relationships for this reason, of having a support team - thus not wanting an unconditional communication and enjoyable time with another, but rather, what I want is to trap them in my web to then have them as mine, and then can ask for support at all times and without any hesitation, as is within my definition of friendship
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I want friendships out of pure self interest as to have someone to look after me, instead of standing up and looking out for myself - within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see this actual point, but instead to believe in friendships and their value and support, while in fact I have been using them as a way to get out of taking self responsibility - as a point of shared responsibility – having the responsibility / blame / shame ‘ guilt fall on the backs of us all, rather then just mine - within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fear being alone, taking responsibility / growing up and facing myself here, as the totality of myself, in order to correct myself and change myself into a being of worth and dignity that can stand alone and can stand with others as oneself in self honesty and self support, supporting self and as all self as one and equal.
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