Wednesday, January 23, 2013
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope and believe that something will change by having an election within the hope and belief that people want a change and will vote towards a change, not realizing that I have been placing the responsibility for change on "them" the politicians and "them" the people, and thus have abdicated my own self responsibility within realizing that nothing will change as long as I don't change myself within myself and live as the living example of self correction within the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated when seeing who won the election, because he doesn't stand for what I stand for, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that everything around me is reflecting myself back at me and giving me an opportunity to see myself in self honesty - thus I realize through this that it's not about what I stand for as an idea and ideology, but rather what I stand as, it's about actually living the change as myself, living the principles is stand for as a living expression of and as myself, and thus, within realizing this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the mind as the emotions of frustration, as within frustration I express myself more sharply and aggressively and thus, through allowing myself to participate within and as the mind I am not living that which is stand for, as the principle of equality in supporting all life equally as what is best for all, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the mind, instead of directing myself in every moment as the living expression of that which I stand for, within standing as it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that as I stand for an idea and ideology I am existing within and as separation, which contradicts that which I claim to stand for, thus, I realize that to be equal and one within and as myself I must let go all ideas and ideologies as standing for them in separation, and committing myself to live them as living words and align myself to stand as them, as the self expression of and as myself in every moment, within this I realize that allowing the emotions of frustration / anger / powerlessness to exist within me and thus to direct me is not in alignment with the principle of living one and equal with the principle of what is best for all, because as I allow myself to participate with and exist within emotions and feelings I am separating myself from myself as not being the directive principle of and as myself, as well as I am harming myself as my physical body by allowing these energies to exist within me as they derive their power from consuming the physical (where else will they resource their energy from?) thus, when and as I see myself going into emotions and feelings based on fighting for my ideology I stop myself and breathe, I realize that going into emotions and feelings contradict that which I stand for, thus, I commit myself to dedicate myself to becoming the living expression of equality and oneness as what is best for all, within realizing that I first must become one and equal within and as myself, thus, I commit myself to breathe, and stop my participation within and as the mind.
When and as I see myself going into the mind in emotions, feelings, thoughts, imaginations, ideas, ideologies, I stop myself and breathe, I say NO! within myself, within assertiveness and steadfastness, as being discipline with a child, within this I realize that there are no magic tricks, and this process will take time and self discipline, thus I commit myself to walk this process within realizing it is a process, thus walking it within discipline yet softness, as to not be hard on myself as self judgment, but rather to support myself in becoming assertive and discipline
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect the politicians to be able to change and correct the abuse / suffering / atrocities that have been going on in our country / world, within this I see that I have not realized that politicians are ordinary people, that like myself and all others, they too are still motivated and directed by their minds, and thus, no matter what they say or present as their agenda and goals, "who they are" is based in self interest as fear and greed, and thus, they cannot be trusted, within this I realize that my expectation of politicians to bring about a change is ludicrous because they can only create that which they are, and thus, as long as they are of the mind, as we all still are, they cannot create a world that is best for all - within this I forgive myself for not seeing and realizing that within expecting politicians to fix / save the world / country I have been abdicating my own self responsibility as if to say "they will do it, so I don't have to do it myself", not seeing that within this I am disempowering myself, and allowing myself too to be directed by fear, instead of allowing myself to see reality as it is, and to realize that the only change I can expect to see will be the change that I bring about as myself, as I stand as self change, as I stand as equality, as I take responsibility within realizing what needs to be done and doing it
When and as I see myself going into the pattern of expecting others to do / save / fix /change instead of standing up myself, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here and look at what can I do here, within my radios of influence, what solution can I bring about here, and thus I commit myself to walk myself as self change solution after solution as I grow and expand my radios of influence, as I start with myself as changing and correcting myself and within learning through personal experience about change and correction I can then support others in which ever form I see fit in the moment, I realize that trying to fix the world today is impossible and only creates overwhelmingness within myself, and a separation between me and the world "out there" which I cannot change, thus, within realizing that all is reflecting me back to myself as support, every and any problem I see out there, I commit myself to find it within myself and change / correct myself in alignment with equality and oneness as living the example of the principle of what is best for all life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and hope that changing the government will create a worthy change in the country / world while not realizing that by hoping that they, as the government, will bring about a worthy change, I am abdicating my self responsibility and giving away my power to others, thus not living in dedication towards self change within the understanding that only through self change can any change come about, thus through my participation in hope I am living self as powerlessness instead of standing as myself and reclaiming my power through walking the process of self change through the tools of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements into a living application of the correction as the living expression of what is best for all life in equality and oneness, and thus, when and as I see myself going into hope that others fix / change the world, I stop myself and breathe, I see what I can practically do as a living solution here within my immediate life, and I commit myself to walk the solution
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated at the results of the election within realizing that no matter who is chosen, they are all the same as no one actually have a practical solution that take into consideration all as equals, they are all trying to fix one problem by creating another with the basic motivation of being elected more than actually caring for the interest of the people, within this I realize that by allowing myself to become frustrated I am stating to myself that I am powerless, that I am dependent on them to fix / change anything, I have given my power away for them to use as I give them my vote in hope they know what to do and do it, but they are abusing the power I have given them with greed, manipulation, corruption, thus I realize that I have been giving my power away instead of reclaiming my power and living within breath in every moment, to build self trust, to birth myself as the stability of life, to be able to slowly but surly within the stability of breath actually make a living change - firstly in my own life, then in the lives of those around me through being the living example that self change is possible, then to create a change in the system, as the equal money capitalism, working together within the power of the group, as dedicated individuals committed to life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience and participate with the experience of powerlessness in regards to the condition of the country / world, where I believe the politicians will not make any difference and we are doomed as humanity because no one is standing up within a practical common sense solution, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in powerlessness instead of dedicating myself to life, as to stand up within and as myself and change myself as how I want the world around me to change, within realizing that no one else but me can do this, and as long as I hope that someone else will do it I am not taking self responsibility and doing all that I can do, thus I realize that as long as I am spending my time thinking about what others should do but are not doing I am not at that moment doing all that I can to be the living change.
within the principle of as within so without - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away instead of standing as the power that is me, and re building myself in every breath, empowering myself to step out of the mind, that is based in self interest and thus realizing that my participation within the mind within is the same construct of all that is evil in the world because everything within my mind is driven by self interest and complete disregard of life as is the world system
I commit myself to dedicate myself to stopping my participation with the mind, I commit myself to investigating the back chat / thoughts/ emotions / feelings that come up within me and that I have allowed to direct me, within not realizing that every moment I allow myself to be directed by the mind I am giving myself as my beingness away - I have a responsibility for myself to reclaim myself as life and rebuild / regenerate myself as the beingness as who I am, I realize that to do so I must stop all participation within the mind, and return here to the physical as breath.
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Monday, January 21, 2013
this is continuing my previous blog
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
As a child I used to play games with my older sister, there are two specific games I remember playing with her, one was "5 rocks" where we need to pick up rocks while balancing other rocks and not dropping them, and the other was a card game called "speed" where we need to move really fast and get rid of our cards. in both, she would always win. In "5 rocks" there were two levels of playing, she would play the advanced level and I would play the lower one, I always wanted to be able to play like her, like the big kids, I saw myself as inferior for playing at the lower level, but I wouldn't dare to try because I would have lost for sure - not giving myself the chance to even try, to practice, to improve, and looking at it now I realize I could have taken the time to practice and then play with her, but I never did, I only cared about the game when we played it, and when we didn't I didn't think about it and thus didn't practice. When we played "speed", she was always faster than me, and in each round as I lost repeatedly I became slower and slower - I was taking losing personally and integrating it as myself, believing it to define me and as such my game deteriorated in each turn.
I have always admired her and looked up to her through out our growing up, everything we did, she did better - though, I never saw it as a point of motivation, as a point of realizing that I can improve and equalize myself to her, I always saw her as better than me, as a fact of life, and saw myself as less than her, inferior, inadequate. I always wanted to be as good as I believed her to be, but never actually dared to compete with her, as I accepted myself as less than her and wasn't willing to challenge that self belief - so I would sabotage myself, compromise myself, not allow myself to excel, to perfect myself as within a requirement to remain less than her for ever, as that was my place. Through out our life there were periods of time where I was better off than her, I was thinner, or had a boy friend, or was stable - in those times I experienced guilt, as if I was out of place, out of character, because I believed I was supposed to be the inferior one, and thus projected it onto her and actually blaming her, as I believed that she thinks / believes she must be the superior one - I saw myself as I was deliberately taking the second place, and letting her be better than me in everything because I believed that couldn't take that a way from her, this is what we both knew ourselves to be - I existed within the belief that if I were to be more successful than her in any way it would compromise our relationship that was based on my looking up to her and believing myself to be inadequate.
At times I believed that I have taken the lesser place because I was protecting her, seeing her as fragile, as if she couldn't handle it if I were to pass her and be more than her in anything - I didn't realize that the competition and comparison were a fiction of my imagination, created by myself in my mind, I didn't realize that we are not actually defined in relation / comparison to each other and that any comparison is futile and doesn't stand as reality, I didn't realize that my belief that she will not be able to handle being less than me was actually showing me my reaction towards believing myself to be less than her, but at the same time showing me that I fear not being less than her, as this is what I knew myself as, and projected onto her for it to make sense to me - because it makes more sense that I am remaining inferior to protect her rather than as a deliberate choice I have been making each day throughout my life - I mean, I didn't like the experience of being inferior / inadequate, it is not a preferred experience, yet I held onto it, justified it and wouldn't let it go, and apparently, I have been holding on to it ever since, defining myself as inferior in many of my other relationships, reliving / recreating the relationship I have created with my sister over and over again.
I will continue with self forgiveness tomorrow
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Sunday, January 20, 2013
this is continuing my previous blog
Day 143 - Inadequacy
When I was a kid I went to a high level gymnastics class, I wasn't a professional gymnast but it was geared towards competition, I remember it being very demanding - I enjoyed the physicality within it, but the teachers were harsh, they wanted to make competitors out of us, so they really pushed for excellence, I was corrected a lot and pushed to always be better, work harder and run faster… looking at it now, I think that's where I developed my resistance towards running cause they kept telling me I don't run good enough, they said I run as if I'm running on egg shells, trying not to brake them, instead of giving it all that I have and really going for it before making the jumps.
Another point that I connect to that class is my relationship to my body - I was rather big compared to other girls my age, not fat but not a skinny kid, which gave me the advantage of strength, but I didn't see that at the time - there were two other girls with a very skinny body structure and were very good gymnasts, and I would compare myself to them, I always felt big/fat in comparison to them, in my perspective they were on a whole different level than me, like there wasn't even any competition because they were so good, so much better than me, I felt clumsy and inadequate, like I don't belong, like my being there, at their lever, must have been a mistake. I looked at them exercising with amazement, and then compared myself to them as being less than them by far... Obviously I didn't consider how long they have been practicing, I just compared myself to them and judged myself as inadequate.
I stopped going there after a few years when they were talking to me about competing, there was no chance I would do it, the thought of competing at that level was terrifying to me, I knew within myself that I wouldn't be good enough and didn’t want to try, why would I try if I knew I was inadequate and would most definitely fail. I left and then went to exercise at another gymnastic class but it wasn't as good, not as challenging, it was just for fun which was cool, but it was a down grade in a way, after that I quit gymnastics all together.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within an experience of being inadequate, based on comparing myself to others that I perceive to be better than me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the energetic charge of the memory of feeling inadequate as a child gymnast, and carry with me the feeling of inadequacy into other aspects of my life - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the memory of this experience to influence me through out my life as I have allowed this memory to be another brick on the wall of myself, as another layer of defining myself as inadequate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as inadequate based on the teachers telling me I don't run good enough and within that to go into inferiority and frustration because "this is how I run" not giving myself the opportunity to learn, improve and expand within realizing that I might not know how to run effectively at the moment, but through practice and integrating the tips from the teachers I can improve my running as any other skill, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and understand the natural process of learning a skill where at first you are a beginner and thus you will make mistakes and be corrected in order to learn and improve yourself through practice, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, instead of embracing the corrections and perfecting myself, I have gone into an experience of inferiority and thus believing myself to be inadequate
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the effort others have out in, in order to perfect themselves in regards to a specific skill, such as running, and thus, without seeing the effort and time they have put into it, I compared myself to them and came to a conclusion that I must be inadequate because they are so much better
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to the two girls in my gymnastics class and to judge myself as less than them, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing comparison and self judgment to direct me to a point of giving up because I had already judged myself as a failure due to the comparison, though I haven't allowed myself to see the physical reality as the learning curve one must walk to improve themselves in any skill, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rob myself from the opportunity to improve and perfect myself within gymnastics because I allowed myself to go into an experience of inadequacy and within believing myself to be inadequate I gave up on even trying and just accepted my limitations
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as inadequate and as such I have not allowed myself to push myself to improve, expand and perfect myself within the skill of gymnastics, as within believing myself to be inadequate I have already given up on myself, and thus accepted myself within limitations,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create my own limitation, as the point where effort is involved, a point where I would need to push myself in order to improve and expand in, a point where I judge myself as less than other in comparison to them, not allowing myself to see the effort they had put in, in order to get to that point, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that I am limited while not realizing that I have created my own self limitation through believing myself to be inadequate in comparing myself to others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as who I am in comparison to how I perceived others to be, instead of realizing that I can never actually compare myself to another because I never can actually know what they have done, how they have walked, what is their starting point, what is going on in their mind, how much they have worked for what they have, what they have done to achieve it, how they experience themselves and so on, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a one dimensional image in my mind, that is supposed to represent the being I am comparing myself to, and through looking at that image I compare myself to aspects within the image, not realizing that an image is but a very narrow and partial part of reality and thus doesn't actually represent reality - thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to an illusion, and within doing so, to judge myself as less than the illusion, thus putting myself down and as a result giving up within an experience of inadequacy, not realizing that I was very much adequate and capable but have sabotaged myself through comparison and accepted self limitation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect effort with inadequacy within a created belief that if I am able to do something is should be able to do it with ease, thus not realizing the reality in which we live in, where as appose to the mind where everything is magical and easy, as you can imagine yourself to be and do whatever you like in a moment and with no effort involved, in reality it simply isn't so, as the physical reality as a space time existence requires a step by step movement, thus to get anything done, to acquire a skill and to perfect it, it all takes time, effort, practice, dedication and consistency, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the laws of the physical reality and thus to judge myself within the belief that if effort is required it indicates I am inadequate, and thus have not given myself the opportunity to improve, expand and perfect myself in any skills
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fool myself in believing that having to put in effort indicates I am inadequate, within allowing myself to question this assumption, as this assumption really made an ass of me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the manipulation within this belief as it is much more convenient to not have to put the effort and move through life in ease, thus I have used the self belief of being inadequate as a justification for giving up and thus not having to put any effort in, though I haven’t realized the price I would pay through creating myself as the character of inadequacy, and I didn't realize the destructive consequences it would have on my life, as I have participated in creating myself as weak, powerless and limited, instead of walking through the points of effort and empowering myself to stand as life and walk through any obstacle fearlessly within the realization that I can do anything if I walk the practical physical steps towards it
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Friday, January 18, 2013
Why do I feel inadequate?
I don't know when this started, I wonder if it has been there since the beginning… let me go back in my memories to dig up more experiences of inadequacy, I will start from the end, as the current time and will go backwards in time.
What I see is that now, as I'm walking the desteni process I am experiencing myself as inadequate, as not able to change, not applying myself enough, not able to apply myself more.
A few years ago, before I found desteni, I wanted to be a massage therapist, and I knew I was good, but I experienced myself as not good enough, there was something missing, I had tried it out for a few years but never really pushed myself within it because I experienced myself as inadequate
Before becoming a massage therapist I had gone to university and got my physics degree, I told myself that I would be there for as long as I can, until I will inevitably fail, because I experienced myself as not smart enough - I ended up finishing with good grades and all, but my over all experience was of inadequacy, and after the degree I wanted nothing to do with physics, hence going to the other side of the universe and becoming a massage therapist.
Before the physics degree I was in the army, there were many jobs I could have had but didn't push myself to try anything that would stretch my comfort zone, so in the army I didn't experience myself as inadequate because working with youth (which is oddly enough what I did in the army) came naturally to me, though there were points of inadequacy in relation to creativity, now that I think about it, and the same point came up in my last job with youth, as I experience myself inadequate in regards to anything that has to do with creativity, even the basic stuff like painting an informative sign for the children to see, or creating the activities…
Before the army I was a student in school, where I experienced myself rather comfortably, especially socially, but there were certain subjects that I had that didn’t come easy, like literature classes, I didn't enjoy reading, I defiantly felt inadequate, as my friends were heavy readers and I wasn't, I considered myself a slow reader so I didn't like to read at all.
And, before that as a younger child, the memory that comes up is playing games with my older sister, there was one game that we played, it's called 5 rocks, and it involves some coordination and speed and accuracy, it could be played in two levels, I would always play the lower/easier lever and she would play the higher/advanced one, and of course she would win the game each time, and I… you guessed it, experienced myself as inadequate.
Before that I was a gymnast, not professionally, just as an afternoon activity, and I really enjoyed it, but the teachers were harsh, they wanted to make competitors out of us, so they really pushed for excellence, I remember there were two younger girls and they were so good, seeing them doing what they could do, I felt clumsy and inadequate, like I don't belong, like my being there, at their lever, must have been a mistake.
I see now that this construct has been with me for quite some time, as I have been nurturing it with each experience, integrating the experience within and as myself, each time another layer, and another layer, and another and another - at the moment I experience myself daily as inadequate, there is nothing I do that I have full confidence in myself, there is nothing that I do that fear in regards to my performance doesn't come up.
Through out my life I have created myself as the inadequate character to such an extent that I believe it to be me, I can't imagine myself without this experience, I can't imagine myself free of this experience, I can’t imagine myself walking my life in stability, in confidence, in self trust, I can't imagine myself actually valuing myself and caring for myself. Maybe it's a good thing that I can't imagine it, because obviously I have never lived it, so any imagination would have just created an idea in my mind, an idea that can never be lived and thus create another wall of separation between me and all that - I realize now, I am at a point that I must decide to let this character go, and embrace the un known, as I do not know how will I be when I let this construct go, so there is no point in assuming and guessing…
The only practical thing to do, is to start walking, letting the construct, the memories, the energetic charge attached to them, letting them all go through self forgiveness, forgiving all the self beliefs, ideas, judgments, comparisons, that I have accepted and allowed as myself, as what has brought me to where I am today.
Why self forgiveness? Because it is an active and self directive act of realizing what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as, it is an act of taking self responsibility, and an act of letting it go, putting it behind me, stopping the self judgment, the shame, the guilt, the regret, and moving forward in awareness, as a commitment towards myself that I will learn from what I have realized about myself, I will correct myself, and will support myself to change, to never again abuse myself through repeatedly putting myself down to such a degree that I find nothing about myself that I can say that I am good at - how have I allowed myself to mistreat myself in such a way? And more importantly, what am I gaining from this construct? As, I realize that knowing what is my gain will assist me in finding the deception within this perceived profit, as I know by now how the mind works, I know it will sell me a story for me to hold onto in order to not part from this character, thus, I must find the point of value I have given it in order to not be manipulated by it.
All this and more will be continued in the next blogs
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Thursday, January 17, 2013
this blog is continuing my previous blogs:
Day 139 - The grass is always greener on the other side
Day 140 - the grass is always greener in someone else's conversation
Day 141 - correcting the grass on my side
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in a constant experience as being in the wrong place at the wrong time, within judging where I'm at in comparison to where I could have been, within defining where I'm at as lesser than where I could have been, thus experiencing myself as missing out, within this
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the constant experience that I made the wrong choice, and if only I had done things differently I would be in the right place, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am doomed to always make the wrong choices, and end up in the wrong place at the wrong time - within this I realize that as long as I allow myself to experience myself as missing out, it will not matter which choice I make, because I will never be able to be everywhere and do everything, thus I realize it's not about what choice I make, but about not actually making a directive choice, as I have been waiting for the best opportunity, afraid to commit and limit myself in a choice, as to keep my options open, not realizing that by doing so I have been trapping myself in the construct and experience of missing out, which I now realize that by making directive decisions within a starting point of self honesty I cannot make the "wrong" decision, but only walk every moment as it unfolds and stand stable and face the outflows / consequences of my decisions and actions, within this I commit myself to investigate my decision making, and see where this experience comes up as an indication of a decision not made within self honesty - thus I commit myself to investigate the point and correct myself within it
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be content within where I am and what I am doing, and to judge where I am and what I am doing in comparison to what other people are doing and other options I might have had for activities, within the comparison I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tend to victimize myself within the constant conclusion that someone else is in a better position than me, and I could have been there if I had made other choices
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my life situation in relation to others, in regards to what we have, what we are doing, and where we are at, who we are with, thus looking at the object of the relationship instead of the relationship itself, as to see who we are within the relationship towards the object
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that it's not about the object, but rather the relationship to the object, thus it's not about where I am and who I am with but my relationship to where I am and who I am with, and thus, who I am within myself in different places with different people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others, while not realizing that I have been busy comparing that which is irrelevant as the circumstances of the situation, as where / who / when… instead of looking at who I am in relationship to the circumstances, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that, that which is relevant as who I am in relationship to everything is non comparable, thus, either way, comparing is a distraction, a dead end, bus with it while allowing myself miss out on myself, as the life I am apparently living while to busy to notice myself within my life because I am too busy looking outside of myself at others in comparison
I realize that I cannot physically be at more than one place at a time, as within the limitations of this physical reality in which we exist in, thus, I realize that I must make choices, as to place myself where I want / need to be, and within that realize that I cannot split myself into two places, thus, I realize that the problem isn't not being able to be everywhere I want / need to be, because it will not always be physically practically possible, the problem is who I am within it, as I have been allowing myself to take it personally, to experience myself as missing out, while, yes, I will always be missing out on all that I cannot physically get to, but the energetic experience that I have connected to missing out is in my power to stop, as it has no actual physical validity, as it is an experience, interpreted by the mind, and not an actual component of the physical reality, thus, when and as I see myself going into the experience of missing out, I stop myself and breathe, I realize I can only be in one place at a time, and within breath, I ground myself here, to make the most of where I am at, and not allow myself to miss out on being here through going off in the mind about illusionary unrealistic day dreaming, thus, I commit myself to when I find myself going into the mind as the experience of missing out, I stop, I breathe, and push myself to place myself here in the totality of myself, as where I am at.
I realize that this experience of being in the wrong place at the wrong time is based in not making a directive decision and standing by it, within this, I commit myself to become more assertive with myself, and to become the directive principle of and as myself, and to allow myself to make directive decisions within facing the consequences of my actions, from the perspective, of realizing that each decision I make will have an outflow, and I must be willing to stand stable as the outflow of my actions and decisions unfold - thus, to support myself, I commit myself to stop myself from making rash decisions and actually consider all elements within making a decision as to have the entire picture, and to make a clear decision as to where I want to go, where I want to be, who to be with and so on - to make a clear decision within breath, and within breath stand by it as it unfolds. I commit myself to make decisions within self honesty, as to eliminate the guilt / shame / regret of making decisions from a starting point of self interest, and within making decisions within self honesty within the principle of what is best for all, I will trust myself to stand by my decisions.
I realize that when I go into my mind as the experience of missing out, it is from a starting point of self interest, as I am not considering all that is here but only considering myself and my desires, within realizing this, I commit myself to, when going into the experience of missing out, I stop myself and breath, I remind myself that I am not the most important person in the world, I am equal to all that are here, and thus my preferences are not more important than anyone else's, within realizing this I humble myself, and allow myself to let go the experience of missing out and embrace what is here in breath and gratitude , I push myself to make the best of the situation, be the best in the situation as to serve myself and all as only through applying myself at my highest performance, here in every moment, will I be walking the principle of doing / being what is best for all
I realize this construct is working on me as a program, as I have created it through holding on to a memory or accumulation of memories that I don't recall yet they direct me through my reliving the experience over and over, thus, I commit myself to investigate childhood memories, as to shed more light on this construct and it's origin, as well as I commit myself to stop my participation with it through stopping the thoughts, not allowing myself to play along with it, through writing myself out, forgiving myself and breathing to stabilize myself here
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
this blog is continuing my previous blogs:
Day 139 - The grass is always greener on the other side
Day 140 - the grass is always greener in someone else's conversation
I realize that while experiencing myself as missing out on something out there, I am in fact allowing myself to miss out on what is here, as myself, as the very essence of life as each breath I take, thus while allowing myself to be busy in my mind as the experience of missing out, I am actually manifesting myself as the expression of missing out, within this I realize that I have been allowing myself to be directed and manipulated by the mind, as a means of separation, as keeping me separated from myself through believing I am missing out on something out there, while ignoring everything that is here, thus, disregarding myself.
When and as I see myself going into the experience of missing out on something out there, I stop myself and breathe, and within breath I look at what is here, what I have allowed myself to actually miss out on through the quest of finding something better, I stop myself and breathe and look at what is here that I have overlooked and have been taking for granted.
I commit myself to ground myself back here, within and as my physical body, in breath, to stop the mind as the thoughts of missing out, as I realize that only through allowing and participating with the thoughts do I end up experiencing the missing out experience, and without the thoughts there would be no such experience. I commit myself to breathe until the experience of missing out is no longer in control of me and I trust myself that I am stable here, I commit myself to push through the temptation to follow the thoughts and justification as to why I am missing out, within believing what comes up within me as the mind, but I realize that all that is coming up is not self directed and thus is not me, I am allowing it to exist within me, and once I see the destructive nature of it, as I do, there is no point or reason to continue entertaining such thoughts, allowing them would be self abuse - thus, I commit myself to stop them as I see them come up, and focus on my physical body within breath, as self support.
I realize that when I'm engaged in a conversation with someone but am only half into it because I am searching around for a better conversation, I am sabotaging the conversation I am in within disregarding the being sitting in front of me, within this I realize that through not being here with the being in the totality of me, I am not treating them as I would like to be treated, within this I am not aware of the consequences this will have as I am ignoring the other being and actually do not care for them at that moment because I am only focused on my self interest as to get the best for myself, thus, within the principle of "do onto another that which you would like them to do onto you" I commit myself , when seeing myself fading out of a conversation and going into search of a better one, to stop myself and breathe, and return here to myself and the conversation I am in, and to give my total attention to the being I am with - I realize that I have been diminishing the being I am with, and thus participating in superiority, as if they are not good enough for me, I realize that by doing so I am robbing myself the opportunity of learning from the being I am with, and expanding within / as myself in the conversation I am in - within this I realize that I have not allowed myself to be the self directive principle of/as myself, but have allowed myself to be directed by the mind in self interest, thus, within the principle of "what is best for all" I commit myself to treat all as I would like to be treated, to respect all as I would like to be respected, and thus, to establish self dignity and self respect through giving dignity and respect to all as equals as myself.
I realize this construct of believing I am missing out and experience of discontent from the conversation I am in, is a reflection of my won self discontent, thus, I realize that when I am not here but rather focusing my attention on looking for something better out there, I am actually showing myself that I am not here with myself because I have created and placed myself as inferior to the idea I have about what is out there, I realize that as long as I don't build self value, I will always look for something better out there instead of realizing that I must learn to value and care for myself, and once I do I will no longer search out there because I will have found myself, thus, I commit myself to walk the process of writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements on points that I see that I am not aligned with myself, as points of self judgment as discontent, I commit myself to walk the process of equality as to become one and equal within and as myself, and in turn one and equal to all that is here, within this I realize that the first step is to stop my participation with the mind as it has proven time after time to be driven by self interest and does not consider myself as life, and anyone else, thus, I realize my participation with the mind is the core source of my self-rejection, and only through stopping my participation with thoughts, beliefs, emotions, feelings will I find myself, the "who I am" behind the veil of lies I have been living as.
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Tuesday, January 15, 2013
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that other conversations are probably more interesting / funny than the one I am having, and within this belief I experience myself as missing out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divert my attention to other conversations in the area while I'm engaged in a conversation with someone, within an attempt to hear what they are talking about, because it must be something interesting that I am missing out on, and thus I focus my attention in trying to hear what's being said around me and am not here within the conversation that I am actually having
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually be here, present, and listen to the person I am engaged in conversation with, because I am focusing my attention out there, on other conversation, within the belief that I am missing out on something better
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually be here within the conversation that I am having, and thus am not actually listening to the person, and thus cannot actually have a decent conversation, because I am not here in my totality, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat our conversation as boring and unimportant, within not considering the other person in the conversation, while acting in a way that doesn't consider them, doesn't respect them, acting in a way I wouldn't want to have done to me, thus not following the principle of "do onto another that which you want them to do onto you" but actually living as the opposite, as I do to them that which I do not want to be done to me, as I wouldn't want someone to talk to me while looking for the next and better conversation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally and be insulted if while talking with someone they are busy looking for the next more interesting conversation instead of being here in their totality, within this I realize that I have been taking it personally because I didn't understand the construct of it within and as myself, as if I were to understand myself, as why I do the very same thing, I would know it isn't personal but comes towards me, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become insulted instead of taking the opportunity to investigate myself within the point as such behavior, as to see why I do it myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the experience of missing out, which causes me to focus on other conversations instead of being here within the one I am having, is showing me that I am not content within and as myself, as I am looking for something out there to fulfill me, instead of realizing that nothing out there can fulfill me if I am not giving self fulfillment to myself as the living expression as who I am.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the very experience of not being fulfilled / content with myself is created and generated by the mind through my participation, within this I haven't allowed myself to see that the experience of not being content, in peace, within and as myself, and thus the experience of missing out, is a result of my participation in the mind as I believe the thoughts, back chat, memories, ideas that come up as voices in my head, directing me to take action as searching for the next and better conversation, instead of allowing myself to stop myself within breath, and to remain here, within and as myself, and as I breathe I realize I am here, and all that there is - is here, thus there is no point to look for anything anywhere out there
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that when a conversation is ot interesting, and when I am experiencing myself missing out on the better conversation going on out there, I am actually separating myself from / as myself, I am separating myself from the reality of here as I am judging it as boring / not good enough, instead of being here in my totality, within and as breath, without judgments of the mind, I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding that without the judgments, thoughts, back chat of the mind I could simply be here in the moment, enjoying the conversation I am having in peace
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the perceived circumstances be the directive principle of me, instead of directing myself and taking self responsibility for my experience in each and every moment, thus not to believe the idea that I will find fulfillment out there through a better conversation, but to direct myself and become equal and one with fulfillment here, as who I am in every moment
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that as I am focusing on other conversation within fear of missing out instead of being here within and as the conversation I am having - I am actually missing out on myself, I am missing out on this very breath, which is all that there is, thus, I am missing out on life, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my participation with the fear of missing out is that which is creating myself as actually missing out on myself
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