Day 7 - Still snoozing

check out for context my previous blog on the topic: Day 3 - you snooze you lose

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as less than sleep and within that to prefer sleeping than waking up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea about sleeping as it being valuable, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I’m losing something valuable when waking up early in the morning

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I have a few more minutes to sleep in the morning, I convince myself to stay in bed and I value the extra few minutes of sleeping

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of waking up and starting my day within breath, I start my day within giving up to my mind as justification to sleeping longer as to avoid getting out of bed and starting my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid ding what’s needs to be done, by  sleeping in late and by watching TV instead of going to sleep when tired

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleep as an escape route from my reality as not being focused at night when tired, as well as not wanting to wake up in the morning

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a energetic charge on to sleeping instead of seeing it within the practicality of resting the body, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleeping as a method/excuse to not face myself within what I need to do and am procrastinating/resisting

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleeping and being tired as an excuse to avoid my responsibilities, instead of facing myself within self responsibility and getting up and go to sleep in practical times to have time and be focused on what needs to be done

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use sleep practically as self support within self honesty, instead I have abused myself within/as sleep by using it as an excuse to get out of  my responsibilities and stay in bed as long as possible avoiding myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to and be directed by my mind as thought/ideas/justifications especially in the morning, telling me to stay in bed and not worry about what needs to get done

I commit myself to use sleep as self support within self honesty, and not as an excuse to get out of my responsibilities as that is self dishonest and thus not self supportive.  

Day 6 - Postponement

Postponement

I find it fascinating that if I have a “to do list” I will always postpone the priority chore on the list and will be most likely to do the last, in other words the more something is more important for me to do I am least likely to do it.

I just sat down now near the computer with a short “to do list” of things to get done, and then a thought came up that I should check if the new episode of “house” came out, so I did, and it did, so immediately I decided to watch it right now, instead of the “more important” things that I actually wanted to do.

As my mind was telling me how it’s not a problem to first watch the show and then get on with my chores, I obeyed my mind as if I was on autopilot, going at it, and simply doing what needs to be done to watch the series. I find it fascinating how immediately I acted as opposed to when I am about to do something that is actually of value and I postpone the hell out of it. It hit me how I am in fact capable of doing things in the moment, acting now and not postponing for later – if I can do it to watch a series I can do it for anything.

I realize when I postpone it is due to my allowance of my mind as thoughts to direct me instead of being the self directive principle and doing what I intended to do within my “to do list” and not allow the most tempting distraction to distract me. The mind is great in giving me reasons/excuses/distractions to postpone what I require to do and instead to do that which is most self interest and of no actual value,  besides giving power to the mind over me, as I time and time again “fall” for the temptations the mind has set up for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make “to do lists” and then disregard them as myself any time a more fun/interesting idea/opportunity comes along, within this point I realize I am disregarding myself every time I do so, while giving my mind power over me as the direction of me that I have been following. I realize that in order to stop and direct myself within the principle of what is best for all within the principle of oneness and equality I must stop following the mind’s temptations and push myself to actually do that which is on the list.

When I see myself falling to the temptations of the mind to postpone I stop and breathe, I return here and push/direct myself to do what is most practical/effective at the moment. I commit myself to stop the thoughts giving me excuses and justifications, I direct myself to see the deception of the thoughts as I stand up for/as life by not allowing myself to be directed by the mind but to direct myself within self honesty as what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted add allowed myself to trust my mind as distractions that it will be ok if I postpone my “to do list” while I have seen time and time again that the result is not having enough time to get everything done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind play “time tricks” on me, being “optimistic” in regards to time, telling me there is enough time to do everything, I realize that by participating with my mind I am not taking into account the physical time/space reality in which we exist in, and not taking into account that things actually take time and there is only a limited amount of time in each day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be optimistic in regards to time as a method of not taking self responsibility, falling time and time again to the trap of “not making it in time”, and allowing myself to walk around within a state of stress due to “not making it”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into stress when I do not stand as my time table, not realizing that stress is but another mind construct. When I see myself going into stress over not completing my “to do list” or not standing within my time frame, I stop and breathe, I realize this stress is my own self creation as self sabotage/abuse, I realize I have not supported myself within pushing myself to complete what needs to be done at the moment within breath.

I commit myself to support myself through this realization – I realize that when I go into stress it is a reflection of a point I have forsaken myself in regards to, in the name of the mind as self interest, it is indicating to me I must stop and forgive myself for the stress I have allowed myself to experience, and to act within self honesty as what is the priority point to do at the moment. I commit myself, when facing myself as stress due to postponement, to stop and breathe; I push myself to act as what is best for all within self honesty through the support of stress as a red flag pointing me back to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a pattern of postponement/being late, hiding behind an optimistic careless persona, acting as if everything will be ok, when actually I stress over every bit of it, thus acting stable and carefree but inside I have been tossing and turning within stress/judgment/guilt/shame within the belief that I am incapable of changing nor directing myself within the physical space/time reality effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put on a mask of being carefree to hide within self deception the actual self as stressful and intimidated of making mistakes, thus creating inner conflict and incoherency. I forgive myself for using this persona I have accepted myself to be as an excuse/justification to postpone and thus sabotage myself within knowing that I end up being stressed about it because I am not in fact carefree as I wish to believe that I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give more value to the expression of being carefree as I have defined it, rather than being stressed, within giving it more value I have allowed myself to deceit myself into believing that it who I am, not allowing myself to express myself not support myself as who I am in the moment but rather act in a carefree way in order to be able to accept myself

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself as who I am within accepting myself as stressed/uptight in order to within facing myself to be able to change myself and not be directed/influenced by the mind as stress, instead I have suppressed myself as stress/uptight and thus haven’t allowed myself to face myself and thus could not direct myself to change.

I commit myself to revealing myself to myself layer after layer, in order to see me for who I am as who/what I have accepted myself to be and become so that I can change myself in alignment with what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself through postponement within listening to the mind as it gives me excuses to not do my list but instead to spend my time in other activities. I realize that the only way to stop this pattern of self sabotage as postponement is to simply stop

I commit myself to stop myself time and time again from being directed by the mind as postponement, I commit myself to stopping participation with my mind as it gives me excuses to postpone that which I directed myself to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into self judgment for not completing my list instead of doing the practical thing and that is to, at the moment I notice the self judgment, to stop participating with my mind as self sabotage as postponement, I realize that self judgment is but another mind component keeping me trapped in the realms of the mind instead of here as breath within the physical reality acting and doing that which is practical to be done.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to constantly judge myself for postponing and by doing so to punish myself for not completing my list, while I haven’t realized that self punishment through judgment is a mind self manipulation keeping me from facing the point in order to actually change it because I have given myself the punishment and thus can simply move on to do it again and again without having to learn or change. I realize that self judgment isn’t a practical solution and just gets in my way of actually applying myself effectively. Thus, when I see myself judging myself due to postponement I stop and breath, I realize judgment is not practical nor effective, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self judgment, I take a breath and make a new list to act on it at the moment.

I commit myself to life

I commit myself to myself as life

I commit myself to day by day working towards completing that which I have decided within self direction 

to do

I commit myself to stopping the mind within self forgiveness and corrective application

day 5 - leaving my job

I have been suppressing myself as what emotions/reactions/feelings have been coming up due to my leaving my job and the kids I work with. Many points in my life are coming to an end, both my jobs and studies are coming to an end, I have decided to leave my apartment and sell my car so I have nothing “tying me down” here for the time I visit the farm.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed things as having a job/being signed up for school/having a car direct me and my actions/decisions, thus being dependant on circumstances, instead of allowing myself to within self trust reassess any situation in the moment and find the action that is best for all

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my decisions on what responsibilities I have through experiencing myself as trapped within these responsibilities, not realizing that any assignments/responsibility I take on is a day by day choice and not in fact an obligation, it is an opportunity to face myself within the resistance to completing it and within the changes I am walking through to be able to let it go. The point is that I am not in fact trapped to my responsibilities, the point is to realize that wither I chose to complete/follow through the responsibility or not is all about the starting point of the choice in each breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to open a back door within the justification that “I can chose to give up my responsibilities”, I realize the self responsibility and self honesty required for making any decision whether it is to continue or stop what was originally planed

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for leaving the kids I work with

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to face myself as being sad and instead trying to act cool and indifferent as if I am not moved by this farewell

I forgive myself for judging myself for what I feel instead of allowing myself to investigate why/when I react within this emotion and how I allow it to direct me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience emotional reactions towards the thoughts in my mind “was I meaningful to them? What will be of them without me? Who will protect/save them?”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as successful or not according to the outcome of how they behaved and within that trying to asses myself and grade myself as how good/bad I was, while doing so I become sad to leave because I do not want to face the points I was “bad” in, because I see them as bad and not as points I can learn from and improve in

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief I can be bad in what I do, judging what I do as good/bad while giving it an emotional baggage and not looking at it within the simple practicality of a point I have not mastered yet and still have lots to learn/research/improve in regards to that point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within feeling/judging that I am bad in something I am separating myself from it and seeing myself as inferior to it, instead of realizing I can equalize myself to it by allowing myself to be humble while learning/researching/improving within it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear these points being exposed in form of criticism as I leave the kids, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear of being faced with these points by external  blame/criticism.

I forgive myself for not accepting myself to be humble within learning to correct myself and improve myself through finding practical methods to deal with some situations but rather I have allowed myself to hide my difficulties and not face them within self correction thus not allowing myself to learn from them and equalize myself to them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger when being criticized and blamed about my work and relationship with the kids

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wish to leave within the idea bubble that I was perfect and within that not allowing myself to hear that there were points that I can learn from and correct myself as.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as special/good for how I worked with the kids and within that I have allowed myself to place myself as superior than the replacement to come, within giving myself a good feeling for being better/more loved then the next one

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy the self belief I am better than another, instead of stopping comparison as a mind component and not allowing myself to participate as positive energy within such polarity.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that feeling sad is related to the fear of “what if I am not special”, “what if I am forgotten”, “what if the next counselor is that much better/loved than me”. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad in relation to losing the desire of being special/best within comparison to the others that will come after me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad based on fear of being forgotten, and within the belief that if I participate in sadness I am proving to myself that the time/effort I spent here was worth while

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on the desire/expectation of being good/best/special and thus fear having this desire crushed by realizing this not to be so through leaving and having someone actually replace me and everything goes on ok.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within wanting to be special/best I am actually hoping for the next counselor to be bad/inadequate which is not what is best for the children as they deserve to have someone good/supportive to be there for them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my ego as the desire to be special/best direct me within the undertone of the desire of wanting the next counselor to be bad, not taking the children’s best interest into account but only my desire as ego

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place my self-interest before the interest of the children and within that hope they have someone inadequate so that I can feel good about myself and maintain the belief I am special/best

Day 4 - taking blame personally

I exploded in rage today. I am here to face myself within the point that came up and take full responsibility for the situation and my reaction within it.

Background story: I am leaving my job today. after over a year of working with the kids of this town, I now say good bye. I think I am over sensitive because I have not yet taken the time to process this farewell within myself, so I have been suppressing myself, not dealing with what is coming up within me, and thus everything thrown at me I react to with anger.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself as the emotions coming up in relation to the farewell

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to face myself within this point of change, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to admit that emotions are coming up and thus to separate myself from the emotions/reactions that are coming up, to not allow myself - through facing myself as who I am and what emotions I allow within such situations and how I allow these emotions to direct me - to learn from the experience and correct myself for next time.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to admit to the emotions/reactions coming up from a starting point of self judgment, within this not realizing that self judgment does not allow or support any change or correction within myself, but is rather another mind manipulation to keep me trapped and enslaved to the limitations of my acceptances as the mind

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to admit to the emotions/reactions coming up because i define myself as cool and tough and within this definition i am not allowed to be affected by leaving or farewells, when in fact i am affected but not allowing myself to see/accept myself as such, thus creating separation within myself 

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect myself to be/react in a certain way and thus direct myself according to this expectation, not allowing myself to be here as breathe and allow myself to actually see what is coming up within me, to allow myself to face myself as who i really am and not as the idea i have created about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from self through suppression, and thus hold on to the emotions/reactions coming up within me, but not allowing myself to face them and thus not allowing myself to let them go. Instead I have allowed them to compound as a suppressed emotion “trying to get out”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take everything thrown at me personally due to not knowing what is actually going on within myself because I have allowed myself to suppress instead of face all the points within me.

I realize that when taking something personally it is an indication that i am suppressing myself in regards to the point, when i find myself taking something personally i stop and breathe, i do not allow myself to participate within a starting point of reaction and taking it personally because i know where it leads to.

They have decided to change the construct of the children’s activity in the town, and that is not personally against me because I know this change was being planned even before I took the job, but still I have been taking it personally, when they say things like that the activity wasn’t good and without any value I take offense. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my work in regards to how others see it, instead of being self honest in every moment as what i am doing within the work and thus be certain of what i am doing and what i have done to not be directed/moved by other people's opinions about my work.

I have been working on breathing and not taking it personally but every time a new point of blame comes up - They have been blaming me for not cooperating when in fact they were giving me instructions instead of working as partners at the project, and when they gave me assignments I didn’t agree with or couldn’t do I confronted them and told them. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remain stable when being given orders, i forgive myself tat I've accepted and allowed myself to feel "less than" when being given orders and thus have allowed myself to do my job "less than"

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use how they talk to me as an excuse/justification to do less my job through projecting onto them, that they are the reason i am slaking off, instead of taking responsibility for myself and my job and 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy them blaming me because it gives me an excuse to victimize myself and thus not take responsibility for the situation and the consequences, instead of within self honesty continue to do my job in a professional/responsible manner

There wasn’t any communication, I know on my part I avoided communication because each time I felt so bad after talking to them. so why am I taking it all so personally? Why do I get upset when she tells me that all the kids have learned from our relationship is that they can do whatever they want and not get punished – I have lots of self criticism in regards to points I could have done better, one of them is being able to set boundaries, so this is one of the nerves she hit, I am going over the situation in my mind and I have a feeling that if she would have said the same thing but not in a blaming manner but rather in a supportive way I would have accepted the criticism. So I see the point of not being able to hear criticism when it is being handed in a blaming way. But I realize I am still now blaming her for how she said it, projecting my emotion/reaction on to her as I reacted to how she said it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be directed by how people talk to me, projecting onto them my reactions instead of being self directive and allowing myself to stay stable as breathe no matter how they speak, within knowing myself as self trust and not being moved by how others direct/express themselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to other’s approval of me and thus when I get criticism I react in anger to push away the feeling of not being loved and accepted

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react in anger instead of realizing myself as vulnerable and allowing myself to hear the criticism within humbleness and simply take the criticism and see what/where I can learn and correct myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame them for blaming me and thus participate in the cycle of blame, instead of stopping myself within breathe and supporting myself and them as myself within pointing out the blame and finding a better form of communication

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see them as equals to me but as if they are above me and thus have the responsibility to direct our communication, thus when they turn to blame I found myself trapped in the construct of blame instead of allowing myself to direct the situation and our communication and not allowing myself to participate in blame and to allow myself to support us all within that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by blame within allowing myself to act/respond in rage and anger towards those blaming me, instead of realizing they are acting from within their own mind consciousness system and thus require support and not more blame that will only feed/compound the cycle of abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, when being blamed, to react within energy as emotion and be directed by it and allow myself to lash out in anger towards others instead of stopping myself here as breathe, within realizing that blame in a mind component and is simply here to show me/them the constructs/patterns we are participating with

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop in the moment I notice the blame coming up and investigate what is reacting within myself in order to stop myself as it and not allow myself to be directed by it.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stay here as breathe while being blamed by others, instead I go into emotional reaction and lash out to shut them up so I don’t have to hear what they are trying to say.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shut them up as they blame me as a defense mechanism to not have to hear/face what they are saying and not take responsibility for my actions

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face myself as a fuck up, instead of realizing that I must face myself as one and equal to all that is here and is fucked up, in order to take responsibility and change myself to be able to clean the mess that is here that i am responsible for as i am one and equal to all that is here.

When I see myself reacting to blame I stop and breathe, I allow myself to look and investigate what am I showing myself within this reaction

When I see myself reacting to blame I stop and breathe, I realize any blame is a mind component and thus I realize any attack/defense isn’t a practical solution, but rather I allow myself to support myself within breath, and the other as myself to stop the blame, in order to find supportive/practical ways to communicate

When I see myself participating in blame, I stop myself and breathe, I do not allow myself to participate in blame, I take responsibility for myself and everything as myself, I allow myself to see myself as the fuck up that is here so I can start to change myself in alignment as what is best for all. I realize I must allow myself to see/accept myself as the fuck up in order to clean up my act once and for all and recreate myself as support to myself and all as myself as what is best for all.

Day 3 – you snooze you lose

Day 3 – you snooze you lose

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create inner conflict every morning as I set the alarm for another 5 minutes to stay in bed longer within justifying to myself that I don’t need to get up so early, instead of setting the clock ahead of time to the actual time I am required to get up at, and then to not doubt it in the morning as the back chat of desire to stay in bed come up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set up the alarm a few minutes too early in order to allow myself the time to snooze, by doing so creating for myself a pattern of snoozing and compounding the “morning voice” speaking the desire to stay in bed, compounding the desire instead of supporting myself to stop my participation with it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to set the alarm to an earlier time within the acceptance that I need to snooze, not questioning for a moment the effect snoozing has on me, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my first act in the morning to be an act of self doubt and giving in to the mind as I listen to and obey the back chat of wanting just a few more minutes in bed.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accumulate the experience of wanting to stay in bed throughout my life and have created a personality around this desire, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the desire to stay in bed longer. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to the morning back chat as internal conversations as justifications and explanations as to why to stay in bed just a few more minutes

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be aware of myself giving into the mind in the morning but to still yet allow myself to stay in bed knowing I am being directed by the mind and allowing it to continue

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for allowing myself to be directed by my morning mind even within awareness, but I haven’t realized that I haven’t supported myself to stop and change this pattern, and on top of that I realize that judgment is another mind created construct to keep me enslaved and not living here as self support as breath, and thus I stop judgment as it is not supportive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe changing this point will be too difficult for me and thus I prefer to give up before trying – when I see myself giving up before trying I stop and breathe, I realize this is a mind construct programmed to keep me enslaved to the mind through accepting myself as inferior and thus spate to that which I believe is too big for me to handle, I support myself through finding practical ways and solution to support myself to solve this point, and I keep on finding solutions until it is done and I have transcended the point

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted the self definition of myself as someone that is too weak to push myself through the point of the desire to sleep, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can’t stand up to the voices in my head and disobey them as the convince me to stay in bed

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within the belief that sleeping as long as possible is good, and one should want to sleep as long as one can, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that in many cases the desire to sleep is an indication of a point I am running away from and it is in fact a red flag pointing me back to self. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the point of desire to sleep as a gift of self support revealing another layer of self to self

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place value on sleeping other than it’s practical value of resting the physical body, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I am missing out, losing, if I give up on a few minutes of sleep, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to get out of bed early even if I wake up alert, because I don’t want to lose the precious sleeping minutes

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, in the morning, value sleeping minutes more than awake minutes while at night I value awake minutes more than sleeping minutes

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore my body as a physical indicator of how much sleep I need and when I am required to support my physical body with sleeping, and to follow my mind pattern as to when/how much to sleep.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold myself up at night and not want to go to sleep and then keep myself in bed as long as I can instead of getting up with the first alarm

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself within this sleeping pattern instead of using sleep as the physical support that it is and that’s it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within a loop of self judgment and discontent through allowing myself to follow this sleeping pattern instead of supporting myself to stop and support myself through sleeping in a practical way

At night, I stop the fight with myself trying to keep up, when I realize I am ready to go to sleep but fighting with myself to stay up – I stop and breathe, I look to see if what I am doing is actually practical to be done at the moment or can wait for tomorrow, when possible, I stop what I’m doing, I breathe, and I support myself with going to sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hypnotized with what I am doing at night and not allow myself to let go what I am doing to go to sleep.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize the connection between the difficulty I experience waking up in the morning and the fact that I hold myself up later than my body is signaling me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a physical point of being tired and thus compound through accumulation the allowance of being manipulated by the mind

I forgive myself for not accepted and allowing myself to realize that by going to sleep earlier I can give myself enough time to wake up with the first alarm and accumulate for myself experiences of getting up and not allowing myself to be manipulated by the voices in my head because I would have known there is no reason to be tired because I actually had enough time to sleep.

I forgive myself tat I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use not sleeping enough as an excuse to not wake up in the morning, and thus create a never ending loop of going to sleep late to then use it as excuse to wake up late – instead of stopping the cycle and allowing myself to sleep early and not allowing myself to listen and be directed by the voice in my head

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the voice in my head to talk me into being doubtful towards myself within not trusting the time I have set on the alarm

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself and thus to compound the self doubt, by setting the alarm to early.

Here I stop, I support myself with sleep. I stop using sleeping as an object to create drama about. I realize sleeping is a physical support and I stop misusing it as way to abuse myself within judging myself to not getting up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to within not getting up in time to start my day within stress of being late. Thus I see and realize how much effect this morning back chat has on the rest of my day, as it sets the tone for the rest of the day.

I realize and see now the self support within not allowing myself to follow my mind but rather to stop my mind and stop participation with the thoughts and idea coming up.

I see and realize this is a pattern which I know it’s beginning and end, and to stop it I must change myself within it.

I commit myself to allowing myself enough time to sleep through going to sleep when my body signals me and not force myself as my body to stay up for no practical reason.

I commit myself to take a deep breath when I open my eyes in the morning, and to stop all back chat as internal conversations, specifically in regards to staying in bed.

I commit myself to stop myself from following the morning thoughts and to simply get out of bed, and start my day.

Day 2 - What am i going to write about?

What am I going to forgive? Which point should I take on now?

I find myself looking for the “right” point to write about instead of simply writing about it. I find myself in my mind going on and on about all the different patterns I have participated with that have not been supportive and that I would like to forgive and correct within myself, but I can’t make up my mind, which one should I tackle NOW within self forgiveness – what happens is that I become overwhelmed by the choices and postpone making a decision till later or later or later… I realize now that this construct has been another method to put off supporting myself by writing as self forgiveness.

I have experienced in the past day or two a constant internal conversation about what I should write my next self forgiveness blog about. While many different points rush through my mind, I end up feeling overwhelmed and indecisive. All points are valid and would be supportive to take on, but I have allowed myself to hide behind “not knowing” what to write about – this is a construct based on separation within the belief/perception that someone else is watching me and will judge me for picking the “right” point to forgive or not. I have not realized that within self forgiveness there isn’t any right or wrong, and there isn’t an external eye watching over me waiting to see if I “do the right thing” – it is all about self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone writing self forgiveness because I couldn’t make up my mind as to what I should write about, instead of simply writing about any one of the many points that came up during the day within. I forgive myself for not realizing that postponing is a mind manipulation to keep me from supporting myself as self forgiveness while the only practical thing to do is to actually write, here in the physical. When I see myself postponing writing due to not making my mind as to what I should write about I stop and breathe, and push myself to start writing within understanding that this is a point of transformation – will I allow the patter of the mind of walking away from my own self created confusion and allow it to direct me, or will I face it within self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe the thoughts in my mind telling me I don’t know to chose which one of the points that came up I should write about, instead of simply starting to write and allowing myself to express myself at the moment, within and as self trust.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to put my thoughts/mind before self, and to within that compromise/abuse myself and not allow myself to support myself within establishing self direction and clarity through a constant application of self forgiveness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall again and again in the manipulations of the mind and time after time to direct myself by listening to the voices in my head instead of standing as self here as/within breath, within the clarity of what is best for all within equality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be directed by voices in my head as back chat, and witin that I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to lose control of myself through letting my mind direct me , my actions and reactions.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the thoughts/voices in my mind direct me within believing them to be me and thus be in my “best interest”, I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see that these voices are not actually supporting me as life as one and equal, but in fact supporting my patterns/addictions and self abuse.

I stop now. When I see myself going into the conversation in my head, debating about what I should do and justifying myself to myself – I stop and breathe, I realize that any inner conversation is indication of myself manipulation and thus I stop and find a practical way to direct myself with.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to know what is a priority point for me to work on now, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use not knowing what to write about as an excuse keeping me from writing and thus keeping me from establishing greater self trust through application, and thus compounding the loop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that someone is watching over me, like a god, and is judging me as I move along in my life – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place myself as less than this god figure I have created in my mind, instead of seeing within self honesty that this god figure is representing a projection of self within separation.

When I if I see myself projecting myself onto a god figure as an external judgmental eye watching over me, I stop and breathe, I realize that any judgment I fear is pointing at a point that is unclear within self and requires investigation and forgiveness, thus I take the opportunity as a gift and clear myself form the fear of judgment as to allow myself to walk/express freely without being directed by the fear of others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use as an excuse to not apply self forgiveness the idea that I don’t know what to write about, instead of realizing that this experience of “not knowing what to write about” is a mind manipulation. 

When I find myself participating within “not knowing” I stop and breathe, I look at what is practical to do at the moment within the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all, and thus allow myself to support myself here through/as self direction while stopping the control of the programmed mind