Day 4 - taking blame personally

I exploded in rage today. I am here to face myself within the point that came up and take full responsibility for the situation and my reaction within it.

Background story: I am leaving my job today. after over a year of working with the kids of this town, I now say good bye. I think I am over sensitive because I have not yet taken the time to process this farewell within myself, so I have been suppressing myself, not dealing with what is coming up within me, and thus everything thrown at me I react to with anger.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself as the emotions coming up in relation to the farewell

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to face myself within this point of change, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to admit that emotions are coming up and thus to separate myself from the emotions/reactions that are coming up, to not allow myself - through facing myself as who I am and what emotions I allow within such situations and how I allow these emotions to direct me - to learn from the experience and correct myself for next time.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to admit to the emotions/reactions coming up from a starting point of self judgment, within this not realizing that self judgment does not allow or support any change or correction within myself, but is rather another mind manipulation to keep me trapped and enslaved to the limitations of my acceptances as the mind

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to admit to the emotions/reactions coming up because i define myself as cool and tough and within this definition i am not allowed to be affected by leaving or farewells, when in fact i am affected but not allowing myself to see/accept myself as such, thus creating separation within myself 

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect myself to be/react in a certain way and thus direct myself according to this expectation, not allowing myself to be here as breathe and allow myself to actually see what is coming up within me, to allow myself to face myself as who i really am and not as the idea i have created about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from self through suppression, and thus hold on to the emotions/reactions coming up within me, but not allowing myself to face them and thus not allowing myself to let them go. Instead I have allowed them to compound as a suppressed emotion “trying to get out”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take everything thrown at me personally due to not knowing what is actually going on within myself because I have allowed myself to suppress instead of face all the points within me.

I realize that when taking something personally it is an indication that i am suppressing myself in regards to the point, when i find myself taking something personally i stop and breathe, i do not allow myself to participate within a starting point of reaction and taking it personally because i know where it leads to.

They have decided to change the construct of the children’s activity in the town, and that is not personally against me because I know this change was being planned even before I took the job, but still I have been taking it personally, when they say things like that the activity wasn’t good and without any value I take offense. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my work in regards to how others see it, instead of being self honest in every moment as what i am doing within the work and thus be certain of what i am doing and what i have done to not be directed/moved by other people's opinions about my work.

I have been working on breathing and not taking it personally but every time a new point of blame comes up - They have been blaming me for not cooperating when in fact they were giving me instructions instead of working as partners at the project, and when they gave me assignments I didn’t agree with or couldn’t do I confronted them and told them. 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remain stable when being given orders, i forgive myself tat I've accepted and allowed myself to feel "less than" when being given orders and thus have allowed myself to do my job "less than"

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use how they talk to me as an excuse/justification to do less my job through projecting onto them, that they are the reason i am slaking off, instead of taking responsibility for myself and my job and 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy them blaming me because it gives me an excuse to victimize myself and thus not take responsibility for the situation and the consequences, instead of within self honesty continue to do my job in a professional/responsible manner

There wasn’t any communication, I know on my part I avoided communication because each time I felt so bad after talking to them. so why am I taking it all so personally? Why do I get upset when she tells me that all the kids have learned from our relationship is that they can do whatever they want and not get punished – I have lots of self criticism in regards to points I could have done better, one of them is being able to set boundaries, so this is one of the nerves she hit, I am going over the situation in my mind and I have a feeling that if she would have said the same thing but not in a blaming manner but rather in a supportive way I would have accepted the criticism. So I see the point of not being able to hear criticism when it is being handed in a blaming way. But I realize I am still now blaming her for how she said it, projecting my emotion/reaction on to her as I reacted to how she said it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be directed by how people talk to me, projecting onto them my reactions instead of being self directive and allowing myself to stay stable as breathe no matter how they speak, within knowing myself as self trust and not being moved by how others direct/express themselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to other’s approval of me and thus when I get criticism I react in anger to push away the feeling of not being loved and accepted

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react in anger instead of realizing myself as vulnerable and allowing myself to hear the criticism within humbleness and simply take the criticism and see what/where I can learn and correct myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame them for blaming me and thus participate in the cycle of blame, instead of stopping myself within breathe and supporting myself and them as myself within pointing out the blame and finding a better form of communication

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see them as equals to me but as if they are above me and thus have the responsibility to direct our communication, thus when they turn to blame I found myself trapped in the construct of blame instead of allowing myself to direct the situation and our communication and not allowing myself to participate in blame and to allow myself to support us all within that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by blame within allowing myself to act/respond in rage and anger towards those blaming me, instead of realizing they are acting from within their own mind consciousness system and thus require support and not more blame that will only feed/compound the cycle of abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, when being blamed, to react within energy as emotion and be directed by it and allow myself to lash out in anger towards others instead of stopping myself here as breathe, within realizing that blame in a mind component and is simply here to show me/them the constructs/patterns we are participating with

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop in the moment I notice the blame coming up and investigate what is reacting within myself in order to stop myself as it and not allow myself to be directed by it.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stay here as breathe while being blamed by others, instead I go into emotional reaction and lash out to shut them up so I don’t have to hear what they are trying to say.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shut them up as they blame me as a defense mechanism to not have to hear/face what they are saying and not take responsibility for my actions

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face myself as a fuck up, instead of realizing that I must face myself as one and equal to all that is here and is fucked up, in order to take responsibility and change myself to be able to clean the mess that is here that i am responsible for as i am one and equal to all that is here.

When I see myself reacting to blame I stop and breathe, I allow myself to look and investigate what am I showing myself within this reaction

When I see myself reacting to blame I stop and breathe, I realize any blame is a mind component and thus I realize any attack/defense isn’t a practical solution, but rather I allow myself to support myself within breath, and the other as myself to stop the blame, in order to find supportive/practical ways to communicate

When I see myself participating in blame, I stop myself and breathe, I do not allow myself to participate in blame, I take responsibility for myself and everything as myself, I allow myself to see myself as the fuck up that is here so I can start to change myself in alignment as what is best for all. I realize I must allow myself to see/accept myself as the fuck up in order to clean up my act once and for all and recreate myself as support to myself and all as myself as what is best for all.