Tuesday, April 30, 2013
I've been writing in the past few days about self commitment, this following blog is extracted from my writings, which once I finish I will publish here as well, but for now just a few realizations that came up as I was walking through some points.
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I realize in each moment, in each breath, in each decision, I am faced with two options, I can support myself or not, I can direct myself or not, I can stand stable in breath or not, I can respect myself or not, I can honor myself as life or not, I can care for myself or not, I can be self honest or not, I can do what is actually in my best and highest interest as following the principle of equality and oneness and acting in alignment to what is best for all, or not.
I have a choice in each moment, and in each moment I am making and living out my decision – each decision accumulates and joins the rest, and in each decision I am creating myself, expressing who I am, as what I am deciding myself to be, what I am accepting and allowing myself to be and exist as.
It’s like each decision is a brick in the wall of myself as who I am, and so I must chose which bricks to build myself with, and these bricks will define the outcome of who I am – which brick am I using / going to use / have allowed myself to use in order to build myself from? And, am I brave enough to tare to wall down once I see that it is built with rotten and destructive bricks, will I allow myself to brake the wall of myself down in order to rebuild myself in self directive awareness?
I commit myself to dedicate myself to “accumulating bricks of self support” - when and as I see that I am participating in anything that is in contradiction to self support / self honor / self respect / self care / self honesty – I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that I have a choice in each and every moment, and must decide who I want to be and become, I am creating myself in every breath and in every decision – and so I breathe, and walk the practical application of self honor / self respect / self honesty / self support / self care within that moment. And I trust myself to know what to do, and how to live self support / honesty / respect / honor / care in every moment.
When and as I see myself participating in anything that contradicts self support, I stop myself and breathe, and I show myself in words what I am participating in, and within showing myself and bringing it to my awareness clearly, I stop and direct myself without any hesitation towards self support / care / honor / respect / honesty.
As I’m writing this I see, realize and understand clearly that walking this path of self support /self honesty is truly a path of no energy, it is simply following the decision to walk in self honesty, not following the desire / thrill / excitement, but only walk what is best for all, simplistically - one will not get a thrill by walking this path, one will not experience an excitement or any form of positive high energy – thus I must be willing to give up the desire / dependency / addiction to positive high energy – I see it as a giving up because I still attach positive value to positive energy, I have a memory experience of it being nice and fun, and the thought of giving it up has a negative energy to it, like a loss – but, here I realize that I am allowing myself to be defined and directed by a memory and a thought, a memory of a positive energetic experience and an emotional thought as the fear of losing the possibility of experiencing again, that which I have a memory of.
As I’m writing these words I am experience like a low energy, which is raising doubt within me “am I doing the right thing?” but I breathe, and I know that this doubt is just another thought, another energy, another point I didn’t direct and thus I must not allow myself to be directed by. Simple as that. I am experiencing it as a break up, as a mourning, as an acceptance that I must say goodbye to all energetic experiences / thrills - it’s funny, I am even looking for an energetic feeling within making this decision, wanting to know if I have made the right decision through the confirmation of a good feeling, but there isn’t any, and so, the tendency is to fall right into doubt.
Making a decision – realizing I must not follow excitement / energy – realizing that this means giving up on energy / excitement – noticing the experience / thought of it being giving up brings up self doubt as to whether I am doing the “right” thing for me or not - realizing it is just another thought as negative energy and I must not allow it to direct me – because I, as myself, in self clarity, in common sense, in self honesty have made a decision as to who I want to be and how I want to walk and what principle I want to be equal to within my application – and so, anything else is just distancing myself from my self directive decision as myself – I have been allowing myself to chase my own tale, going around in circles, and not getting anywhere, always reaching the same point again and again, instead of allowing myself to walk forward, into the direction I have set myself to walk in.
Shit, man, how long will I allow myself to continue this way before I am fed up with it??
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to feel / experience something positive within me when making a decision, and so, when the energy is not there, when there isn’t an excitement / thrill I go into self doubt towards the decision, but, within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and realize that I, as who I really am, as the physical, as breath, as life, as here - do not rely on energy, and thus a directive decision does not rely / depend on energy to prove it right – and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed / controlled/ enslaved by / to energy and within the seek / desire for constant energy to compromise myself and not stand equal to and one with my decisions
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I’ve got an energy problem, that I am addicted to energy, that I desire it and follow it and want it and will manipulate for it within a deep experience and self belief that I am nothing without it, a belief that life is meaningless without experiencing it energetically.
This is the point of experiencing a sadness towards the thought of giving up the thrills / excitements within deciding to only walk what is best for all, as self support – it’s a future projection of never again allowing myself to indulge in positive high energies - it’s funny, in my mind I compare my decision to give up the energy in making decisions to what people experience when they get married, as they are giving up the opportunity and within that the excitement to be with another partner, by committing to being monogamists - but, in actuality, in both scenarios, there isn’t anything to give up besides an idea, that’s what is so ridiculous.
Another small point I see is that I’ve made many decisions that I felt so good about, like this is the right thing to do and I’ll do it like this and like that… and I go into future projections and fantasies on how I achieve this decision, and then I don’t follow through as I did in my imagination, so in essence I have proven to myself that this energy in making a decision doesn’t last, and what lasts way after the energy has dissipated is the decision itself. And so not having the energy in the first place shouldn’t affect the decision in any way.
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Saturday, April 27, 2013
This is a continuation of my previous blogs: 
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
Day 182 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self forgiveness
Day 183 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self Commitments
Day 184 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Further Investigation
Day 185 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Waking Myself Up
And specifically a direct follow up to my previous blogs
Day 186 – Self Belief – “I’m not a Hard Worker”
Day 187 – Self Belief – “I’m not a Hard Worker” – Part 2
Day 188 – “I’m not a Hard Worker” – Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
if you haven’t already, please read them for further context.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not and incapable of being a hard worker within defining it specifically as physical labor, within a deliberate attempt to separate myself from the term of being a hard worker as a form of self sabotage and within this to justify the separation within associating being a hard worker to inferiority as related only to blue collar jobs thus allowing myself to overlook the physical and practical values of being a hard worker
Seeing this now I realize I must redefine being a hard worker in such a way that I can live as the expression of / as myself, to stop existing in separation from the term and thus to stop sabotaging myself through living out the expression of not being a hard worker, to then as a result feel bad and inadequate for living out the belief of not being able and capable to be a hard worker – I see, realize and understand that as long as I allow myself to exist in separation from / as the term as being a hard worker, I will not allow myself to experience myself as self worth, because I have been giving value to being a hard worker but am not allowing myself to live it as the expression of myself, and thus deny myself the opportunity of being one with the expression of the value I have given being a hard worker, within this, I see realize and understand that to ease the sense of inadequacy within aligning myself within and as the social construct, I have allowed myself to separate myself further from being a hard worker through judging those who do hard physical labor as inferior socially, within this, creating a situation for myself that I have no interest of changing, because within this judgment it is ok for me to not be a hard worker, and by doing so I am placing myself as superior socially – not allowing myself to see the absurdity of experiencing myself superior by not doing / applying a physical and practical action that is essential for the survival and existence of humanity in this physical reality.
When sounding the words “hard worker”, what stands out is “Heart worker” as putting my heart into what I am doing, into the work I am participating with – it’s really interesting that this should come up because in a way it sums up the effective and supportive aspects of being a hard worker, and removes the judgment and separation.
Putting my heart into the work I do would refer to being here, breathing, being in and one with the physical as the physical action and application I am busy with –within that, in no way being in the mind as not allowing self to participate in back chat, judgment, manipulation, or any form of energetic mind component – living the expression of being a hard worker, as a heart worker, to simply do what needs to be done within the specific task / job at hand - putting my heart into what I am doing, totally putting myself in what I am doing, being one with what I do.
I have never really taken a moment to look at the function of the heart and see how can I learn from it, as to learn from the heart’s expression to apply such expression as myself, within this, in relation to the point of being a hard worker, as a heart worker, as putting ones heart into whatever it is one does – in looking at the heart what I see is that the heart functions in the physical, as it is the physical engine of the physical body, and thus is responsible not only for itself but for the entire body, it consistently works beat by beat, as a physical rhythm, and it must be here in every moment, doing it’s job, nothing more and nothing less, in order to support the entire body with nutrients and oxygen. The heart does not see itself superior or inferior to the task it is doing as pumping blood around the body, and if it would create inner conflict or go into self interest, the entire body will suffer the consequences…
Thus, living the expression of a hard worker, as a heart worker is to be humble, and to do what needs to be done within the best interest of all, it is to stop the mind and not allow any judgments, justifications, excuses, beliefs or back chat to exist and direct self within doing the task / job - doing so within realizing that if one is busy in one’s mind, one cannot be busy doing one’s responsibility in the best possible way, and the consequences of one’s actions will affect all, and not only self, because of the interconnectedness of it all.
Within redefining “heard worker” as doing a task and putting myself / my heart into it, and not allowing myself to fall into the traps of the mind, as back chat, judgments, justifications, excuses, manipulation ext. I can see that it is a matter of decision, and not a predetermined personality trait that I can do nothing about, that I am separate from – this is a decision, to be here with what I am doing, to be responsible for what I am busy with and do it completely.
Anyone can do this, but within this I realize that I have lived all my life avoiding this point, creating and living according to resistance and so I realize I have created this as a pattern and to change myself within it I must push myself through the resistance that up until now I have allowed to direct me.
So, when and as I see myself applying myself half hearted, as not putting myself into it, and instead being in my mind, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical in breath, I restate to myself who I am: “I am here, I take responsibility to do this task, and I stand by my responsibility” and then, I breathe in stability to make sure I stop my thoughts / back chat / mind, and do the task.
When and as the thought / self belief that I am not and incapable of being a hard worker come up, I stop myself and breathe, I do not allow myself to entertain such thoughts / self beliefs as I have seen and realized that they are self sabotaging by nature and have no physical ground, thus, I realize that by participating with them I give them power over me, while by not participating within them, they will dissipate into thin air, and I will remain here, as directive principle. And so, I commit myself to stop myself in breath from participating in any thoughts or self beliefs in the nature of believing myself to not being a hard worker, instead I restate to myself that I am here, and being a hard worker is a matter of decision that anyone can make at any moment, and within this I make the decision in that very moment as to what would be best for all as self support, and I apply it effectively
When and as I experience resistance to continue a task, I stop and breathe, I slow myself down, I remind myself the reward of application is a natural sense of worth, and so, I remind myself the value of applying myself here in the physical, as it is what is best for me, and within supporting myself, is actually best for all.
I realize that in order to live the expression of self worth in every breath I must start living as self worth, to fake it till I make it, and thus, to put my heart into that which I have decided to do is an application of self worth within living the expression of equality as I am equal to the task I am doing, within this, I see that by not putting my heart / myself in what I am doing I am stating to myself that I am not worthy of the task as I am not applying it within equality, and thus, but not being totally in what I am doing, I am a living the expression of unworthiness and so become it, and so it is obvious that ot would be much more supportive for myself to actually walk through the resistance and back chat, to stop my participation within / as the mind, and become a heart worker, as I teach myself to slowly but surely do everything is do as the totality of myself, as I put myself / my heart into it, and just do it.
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Friday, April 26, 2013
This is a continuation of my previous blogs:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
Day 182 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self forgiveness
Day 183 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self Commitments
Day 184 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Further Investigation
Day 185 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Waking Myself Up
And specifically a direct follow up to my previous blogs
Day 186 – Self Belief – “I’m not a Hard Worker”
Day 187 – Self Belief – “I’m not a Hard Worker” – Part 2
if you haven’t already, please read them for further context.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not a hard worker
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create positive and negative judgments towards the definition I have given the term “hard worker”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the definition of being a “hard worker” and thus, within creating myself as separate from it, I have made it impossible for myself to live as the expression of this word.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being a hard worker as someone that does hard physical work, and thus to exclude the title from workers that do not do physical work, and thus associating “hard worker” with physical labor
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate “hard work” to physical labor and thus to associate the term “hard worker” to those that do physical labor
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept / take on / participate with societies definitions within believing the accepted social construct that doing physical labor, as having a blue collar job, is inferior to having a white collar job and not doing physical labor
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a polarity in regards to the judgments I have been holding onto towards “hard worker” as seeing it both as noble / superior and inferior / humiliating
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to question my definitions and judgments of being a hard worker, and within this, accepting the judgments as justification as to why I am not a hard worker
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within believing that I am not a hard worker nor capable of being one, not realizing that by believing this thought I am creating myself as such. And as I create myself as the thought, it becomes a reality, to then I can point at reality and say I was right, within believing that it was inevitable because it is who I am , when in fact, it is not who I am, it is simply who I have accepted myself to be, and created myself as.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind the self belief that I am not a hard worker, instead of questioning this self belief and testing it unconditionally, through investigating the definition and self belief as to see it’s validity in physical reality
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my definition of being a hard worker has not been grounded, but rather has been an experience that I am projected on others as I see them doing what I have defined as hard work, and so, within defining it according to an idea / experience I have created it deliberately in such a way that it will remain separate from self, and so, I commit myself to investigate further and redefine “hard worker” and seeing how I can live this word as myself, as a self expression of myself, no energy, no judgment, no polarity
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be a hard worker within the character of self sabotage, as through not allowing myself to be a hard worker I have deprived myself from the sense of self worthiness that one would get from applying oneself in an effective constructive way, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as worthy within the condition that I do something, as hard work, to deserve being accepted and worthy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself within accepting and allowing myself to give myself excuses as to why am incapable of doing hard work, when in fact I am and have been allowing myself to be directed by resistance and fear instead of directing myself as what would be most beneficial and supportive for me.
more to come..
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Thursday, April 25, 2013
This is a continuation of my previous blogs:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
Day 182 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self forgiveness
Day 183 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self Commitments
Day 184 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Further Investigation
Day 185 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Waking Myself Up
And specifically a direct follow up to my previous blog Day 186 – Self Belief – “I’m not a Hard Worker”, if you haven’t already, please read it for further context.
By making the statement “I am not a hard worker” there are a few dimensions / layers that I am referring to in relation to the definition I have given “hard worker”.
By stating to myself that I am not a hard worker, I am saying that I don’t have the skill set of being a hard worker, as i don’t have the valuable list of characters I relate to being a hard worker, characters of integrity, taking responsibility, following through, completing a task, being humble.
But, at the same time I am not only saying I am incapable, I am actually saying I don’t want to, as I have defined the work that hard workers do, to be beneath me, I am a snob to such tasks, and when I find myself facing these jobs, I have to push through a lot of resistance, jobs like this that I have faced lately were cleaning the toilet, raking, doing physical labor, it is “not for me”, I’d rather have someone else do it – maybe this explains why I am proud of “them” for being hard workers, where I realize these tasks have to be done, because they are practical physical tasks and are necessary for the maintenance and up keeping of the physical environment we live in, and so I am happy that some people can do these tasks and not be bothered by it – obviously I never considered asking them if they really enjoy it, because I prefer not knowing and believing that they are cool as they seem, so long as I don’t have to get my hands dirty. Not wanting to get my hands dirty but wanting the job to be done – spoken like a true elitist.
And so, I have separated myself from this concept, as I do not see myself as all the positive aspects I have attached to the term “hard worker” as I’ve mentioned in my previous blog: “respecting “hard workers” for doing the actual valuable physical jobs, actually getting things done in the physical, they can be left on an island and they will survive because they are physical, they do what needs to be done, they don’t complain, they don’t manipulate, they don’t try to get out of it, they have integrity, respect for the work they do, and they can do any work with pride.”
And at the same time I am saying that I am “too good” for this type of job, I should have a white collar / high class job – someone else should be a hard worker, not me, judging the work as inferior, and those who do the work as inferior, and thus, I do not want to be defined / judged as inferior so I separate myself from such jobs.
So, it seems as I’ve created an interesting polarity here – where I see hard worker as both positive and negative, superior and inferior, and I have separated myself from both aspects. What I see here is that I am the one judging these tasks - yes, it is based on a social accepted judgment, but I am accepting and participating with this judgment towards particular jobs / tasks as being inferior, so first thing’s first – I realize I must remove the judgment.
Then, once I remove the judgment towards specific jobs I can redefine what it really means to be a “hard worker”, within exploring how I can actually live the definition as myself as a living expression of myself, rather than separating myself from it as I have done thus far, within limiting myself and trapping myself in the self belief of not being a hard worker.
Self forgiveness and redefining “hard worker” in my next blogs to come.
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Monday, April 8, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blogs:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
Day 182 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self forgiveness
Day 183 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self Commitments
Day 184 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Further Investigation
Day 185 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Waking Myself Up
Not believing I am nor capable of being a hard worker is but another limiting self belief I have found I participate with, here I will open up my relationship to the concept of being a hard worker, through looking at judgments, positive and negative, I hold towards how I have defined and have lived the concept of being a hard worker.
The term “hard worker” brings up an image of a person wearing work cloths and doing physical work – a hard worker is related to “blue collar” types of jobs, physical / factory / farming types of jobs, I consider my dad a hard worker, my cousins are hard workers, my brother can be a hard worker, I see my ex-boyfriend as a hard worker, so there are a few people that when I think of them as I how I see them, I see them as being hard workers. This is a quality / character that I consider as positive, and so I look up to people that I see this quality in them, and in comparison to them, I see myself as lacking this quality.
In my definition of the concept of being a hard worker, there is something grounded, earthy and physical.
Whereas, someone that works in an office, or as a doctor for instance, I will not necessarily define as a hard worker, I would say they are dedicated to their job, or I will call them workaholics, but the term hard worker will not so much apply according to my initial association to the word.
It’s interesting because I respect “hard workers” as they are the ones doing the actual valuable physical jobs, actually getting things done in the physical, in my imagination I see them as if they could be left on an isolated island and they will survive because they are physical, they do what needs to be done, they don’t complain, they don’t manipulate, they don’t try to get out of it, they have integrity, respect for the physical and to the work they do, and they can do any work with pride, within the simple understanding that it needs to be done.
On the other hand, as I investigate this point which initially seems like I have placed it as an all positive concept – I realize that I judge these types of jobs, and when I find myself facing them I resist and, manipulate and try to get out of it, or at the very least, while participating in such “blue collar” tasks, I would constantly back chat about how I shouldn’t be doing such a type of jobs, as I experience it as beneath me, demeaning, not worthy – which is fascinating because I am proud of others for doing such, though, even this last statement, now that I look at it closer, is not actually true, because I remember that throughout growing up I was embarrassed as a child that my dad was a plumber and all the other dads were lawyers and engineers. So I wasn’t in fact proud that he had a “blue collar” job, and I didn’t even see all the positive things that I wrote above, all I could see / experience is the embarrassment / shame for my dad not being a “white collar” dad, like my friend’s dads.
So, why was I embarrassed? What do I judge? Why do I see it seen by me as a lesser job?
I dated a guy once, and his dad was also a “blue collar” worker, and as he picked me up in his dad’s car he apologized for the smell, but I enjoyed the smell cause it was familiar and reminded me of my dad – So, in a way, it actually made me feel comfortable, but I know why he apologized, another girl might have seen it as a disadvantage and would have taken it as a bad first impression, and in such case the apology is like a point of expressing to the other “yes, I know it sucks, I wish it were different, you don’t have to secretly judge me, we can both openly judge me together…. But why is there this accepted point of judgment? And why when it’s his dad I’m cool with it, and don’t see it as anything to be ashamed of, but when it’s my dad there is shame / hiding/ embarrassment?
So, what are the reasons to grade one job as better than another? And why if one is associated with the inferior job they would be embarrassed? I can clearly see two reasons, one is salary, where the higher the pay the more you would respect / desire that job and would like to be associated with it, and the second reason is social constructs and acceptances – where I come from, it seems like people are defined by their work, and different jobs are placed on a social value scale, usually according to the income, and the level of training required, and a general prestige that a job may get through exposure through the media, almost like PR. “blue collar” types of jobs pay les, have less training and are less prestigious and are consider in general inferior, where only the bad students are deemed to go to a “professional school” to acquire a “blue collar” type of job, while anyone that is on their path to success will almost never consider a “blue collar” job as their dream job , they will most likely go to university, and get their higher education certifications, so they can maybe manage a group of “blue dollar” workers, but not in order to be one.
Much more to come, in relation to the self definition “I am not a hard worker”
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
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Monday, April 1, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blogs:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
Day 182 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self forgiveness
Day 183 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self Commitments
Day 184 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Further Investigation
a must hear - Why do we not access our full potential? Why do we hold ourselves back?:
“I commit myself to ask myself direct questions when and as I see myself not standing as my decision, as not acting in alignment with my directive decision, and so, when and as I see myself contradicting myself, I stop myself and breathe, I ask myself why am I sabotaging myself, and I don’t move / participate with anything until I give myself a clear answer in self honesty, and so, I commit myself to push myself to not let myself off the hook, so to speak, and to actually investigate / interrogate myself within the self honest intention of understanding why, at this very moment, I am prepared to sabotage myself through acting in contradiction to my directive decision. And within this, I commit myself to walk myself hand in hand, back here, into alignment with my directive decision, aligned with common sense, aligned with self support, I commit myself to be gentle with myself yet firm and directive, I commit myself to parent myself into self alignment, and treat myself as an innocent child with compassion and care, yet to be strict with myself and push for self discipline.”
I realize that when asking myself in self honesty why am I not acting in alignment to my directive decision – there is most likely not going to be a valid answer, as all answers will probably be excuses and justifications based on self beliefs, ideas and fears, or based on desires and self interest – either way, any excuse for why am I not standing equal to the directive decision I had made, will be based in energy, and thus, as I ask myself I will be faced with a choice – will I follow the path of energy, or will I stand up for myself as life as the physical?
Taking this moment to stop and breath, and ask myself in self honesty why am I acting in contradiction to myself, is the opportunity I give myself to change the course of my action and make a decision in that moment to support myself - and so, stopping and asking myself, is actually opening a window of self awareness, which once is open I am fully responsible for my decision and action from the point on, as I have opened my own eyes in asking myself the question, I woke myself up so to speak, and now I must direct myself to stop the self sabotage patterns within having realized how destructive they are, and to stand up within myself, to allow myself to empower myself within standing as and acting in alignment to my directive decision.
I realize that part of my process is to start becoming aware of what I am doing, as I’ve noticed that so many moments throughout the day go by and I wasn’t here, moments where I am awake but am sleeping, sleep walking my life away, it’s like there is a moment where I make the decision to allow myself to lose myself in my mind, and from that moment I lose myself as I become a zombie, until something happens, and a spark of awareness comes in through the mist, and then I am faced with the next moment of decision – what now? More mind illusions or standing up?
I find that in many cases, when this moment comes and I have the opportunity to “snap out of it” I make an aware decision to stay in the mind’s illusion, i experience like there is a pull, a magnetic force, pulling me back into the mind’s illusion, drawing me into the application of abdicating my responsibility, of procrastinating what needs to be done, of sabotaging myself as the directive decision I am intending to walk, and so basically standing in contradiction to my directive decision, and as such, in contradiction to myself – it seems like the more I spend time away from myself, and in the mind in separation of myself, as the what is here as the physical, the weaker I get, and the stronger the magnetic pull is, and so the next moment when I “wake up” and am faced with the choice I am more likely to fall back into the mind – this is the moment of transformation, of self change, where I must find it within myself to stand up against the pull and resist it, as to not allow myself to be pulled back in to the self destructive and self sabotaging patterns and behaviors but instead to stand as self support / care / honor / respect – this is where asking myself why am I doing this can be supportive – because the longer I stand “outside” of the mind while asking myself a self directive question, here in awareness, here as myself as the physical, the weaker the pull of the mind is and the more chance I have to act I alignment with myself as my directive decision and not be directed by the mind’s pull so easily and automatically.
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