My journey to life

Day 162 - Running ahead of myself

Day 163 - Running ahead of myself - Self forgiveness

Day 164 - Enslaved to Memories - Failed opportunity relived

I have written about this memory some more - here I am highlighting some key sentences I extracted from my writings, and will address them to support myself within this journey

"I didn’t feel comfortable selling these products to people because I hadn't used them and could only recommend them based on the recommendations I got from those who sold them to me" - what would be the correction in such a case? How can I support myself to prevent from this point to reoccur? - so make sure I can speak for myself because I have tested it out for myself and have actually seen the results - thus - I commit myself to actually apply myself by using the program and testing it out for myself, within this I realize that products can be sold without the sales persona testing them out for themselves, like if it's for a specific condition - this doesn't mean that the salesperson cannot stand by the product in confidence - thus, I realize I must ask for more and more stories / verifications stating that this product is valid and effective - I realize I must come to a point of actually trusting that I am presenting these people with something that will benefit them, to do so I realize the best way would be to walk the point for myself and learn from first hand the validity / effectiveness of the program, this, in order to stand by / behind what I say, within the principle of "prevention is the best cure" as I would be preventing the back chat and moral points that may come up and sabotage me - thus, the point of prevention is to be stable and clear in regards to the product before I start selling it, and within this, to realize that this stability will only grow as long as I keep moving - so this too is a point of process - within this also the point of not allowing myself to be directed by the back chat and self doubt that may come up - I breathe and continue, to the next and next and next - every time learning from myself, how did I present it, what questions did they have, what did I not know to answer, and from there to investigate, to find out and become that much more clear in regards to the point.

"another difficulty is that I took all rejections personally" - I realize that if someone doesn't want to product it's fine, it's isn't personal and isn’t a failure - what I must do is investigate what I have done and what I can do better, how I can learn from the experience and perfect myself for the next time - I direct myself to take full responsibility, I check myself - did I react to anything, did I participate in thoughts the previous day, I deliberately find all points I can take responsibility for so that I can be in control of the situation and direct myself more effectively the next time - still within realizing that not all people will buy the product - I am presenting them with an opportunity that will benefit them, they will either take it or not. It is their process as well, all I can do is present them with a supportive tool as a point of prevention - if they take it or not is up to them.

"I couldn't approach people because I feared them rejecting the idea / product / opportunity" when I experience myself going into fear of rejection - I stop and breathe, I realize that being rejected cannot hurt me unless I let it, I realize that if I allow myself to be directed by the rejection in fear of failure I will in fact manifest for myself the very failure I fear, because it's common sense that I must push through the fear / resistance and keep on going until I get to the one that will buy the product / idea, if I stop before hand I am failing myself - I realize that I cannot fail if I just keep on walking, learning and pushing through the resistance one breath at a time - I can only fail if I stop pushing, stop walking, stop trying.

"I failed because I didn't have any tools to support me" - now I do, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for failing, not taking into consideration that I didn't have the tools to support myself through the difficulties - but now I do, I have writing, I have breathing, I have self forgiveness, I realize that all mind participation as justification or self blame is always going to end up hurting me, as it has in the past, through self sabotage as not valuing myself, not believing I am worthy and so on - thus, any thoughts / back chat that are not supporting me, I know are self sabotage and I will not allow myself to participate in any thought / back chat that is anything but self support - and I realize that as long as this back chat is coming up it is showing me who I still am allowing myself to exist as - thus, I must investigate and clear myself from the past, let go all memories that have defined me as a unworthy failure - only through forgiveness and letting go, through investigating myself in self honesty, humbleness and self embracement - will I be able to stop the mind as self sabotage and start living effectively as self expression, as life. Within this, I also realize it is a point of simply stopping participation - thus ,when thoughts / back chat of self victimization come up, I stop them immediately and breathe, I do not allow myself to entertain myself within / as them. when and as I experience myself in need of support, I stop myself and breath, and go ask for help / assistance / support - I realize people have done what I'm doing, they have faced what I am facing and thus, can assist me - it is my responsibility to find the tools / assistance necessary for me to keep on walking.

"the memory is of me not being able to push through, and within it fear of what if again I will not be able to push through" I realize it is up to me, it is always only up to me to push through - thus, if I see myself not pushing through I must stop and investigate, and make a decision - am I going to allow myself to abuse myself in self sabotage, am I going to allow myself to diminish myself through not pushing through, to prove to myself that I am unworthy - or, am I going to stand up within and as myself, commit myself to myself, make the decision to walk one breath at a time, one step at a time - and for each and every one and single step, I take the decision again, and again and again - until I have pushed the resistance away, until I have proven to myself that I am stronger than the resistance that I have created.

"I didn't want to go into it alone" I realize I must be willing to walk this alone - I realize that as long as I am dependent on the desire of having a partner I am in fact doing so from a starting point of fear, as I don't trust myself to stand and walk alone - thus, in order to establish self trust I must allow myself to walk this alone, I must let go of the desire / expectation of having a partner, because I realize it is a point of wanting to share the responsibility and the only reason I do is because I don't yet trust myself - within this, I realize that in order to establish self trust I must be willing to jump in, and take on whatever comes my way - within realizing that I CAN do this, I can continue breathing I can continue walking - any belief that I can't is just that - a belief, it isn't actual if I don't participate with it, as it will dissipate into thin air - as long as I don't allow myself to become it and live it into the physical as my expression

"last time I pushed a partner to walk with me, from a starting point of fear, and they agreed to do so, but were not into it really" - this cause friction, because I expected them to be as excited as me, but they weren't - thus I realize I wanted them to be excited to validate my decision, and when I saw they were not - I couldn't stand, because I placed my ability to stand on their participation - I realize that is not practical, because as long as I place my power on other people I cannot direct myself, as I am creating myself as dependent, instead of self reliant - thus, I commit myself to refrain from putting pressure on anyone to walk this point with me, I refrain from any form of emotional manipulation, and if anyone decides to walk with me, I make sure they are really dedicated to the point , and even so, if they are, I take full responsibility, I allow myself to become the directive principle, as to stand whether or not they stand with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the directive principle, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea that being directive is being bossy and I have defined it in a negative way - though I realize that any judgment is of the mind and cannot be trusted - and now, as I look at the point - being directive is not negative, it is practical - it might come across some resistance, and that will contradict my desire to please everyone - so now looking at it - what is negative, Being directive or desiring to please? - as I see it now being directive is living, being directive is taking responsibility and doing what is necessary to be done, where as the desire to please is limiting, is dependent, is not actually free - I realize I must let go this point of desire to please and be liked and accepted - I realize that even though I experience the fear of loss, there isn't really anything to lose, yet so much to gain, as I would be gifting myself the gift of life - as I stop living according to others and start living as myself, allowing myself to empower myself as I stand as self directive principle

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Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Posted by Maya R at 3:52 PM Labels: desteni, holding onto memories, marketing, memories, MLM, past, sales job, self definition, self forgiveness, self trust 0 comments

Day 164 - Enslaved to Memories - Failed opportunity relived

for context please read my previous blogs:

Day 162 - Running ahead of myself

Day 163 - Running ahead of myself - Self forgiveness

I ended up my last blog with the following statement:

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to be able to handle whatever comes my way, through remaining here, breathing in stability - I realize this lack of self trust in regards to work is created through memories I am still holding onto within myself and giving value to and defining myself through.

Here I will start walking the memories / past moments that are coming up within me, that I see still have their hooks into me, I have defined myself based on these memories / past moments, as I have seen them as facts, as real stories telling me who I am and what are my limitations, I realize that as long as I hold on to these memories and allow myself to be directed by them, as long as I allow myself to be defined by them, they will in fact dictate who I am and will be - I have limited myself to believing that the memories must repeat themselves, not giving myself the opportunity to learn from them, to let them go, and change / correct myself to become an effective human being, here goes:

Memory: Investing in joining an MLM and not selling one product nor one "business opportunity".

I got to the recruiting presentation by mere coincidence, I wasn't directly invited, I just went with a friend that was invited by her friend. At the presentation I totally bought into the idea that multi level marketing is the way to go, why spend money on advertisements when we can go by word of mouth and personal sales?

I had decided to join, and was trained by my "up line" to now call all my friends , family and acquaintances, to invite them to come hear the same presentation I had heard, so we can all share the wealth. There were strict rules though, I was not allowed to tell them what it was about, I was supposed to give them very little information and just make sure they would come to the presentation based on trusting me that it would be worth their while - this approach made me feel very uncomfortable, I felt like I was manipulating them - why couldn't I have just been direct? Would they have not come if I were to tell them what it's about? Another point was that I hadn't really tested the product for myself, so I felt uncomfortable selling a product I didn't really believe in.

The people that recruited me were very good at brushing away all my concerns, but when I had to make the phone calls I was not clear nor stable, I felt like I was part of a scheme, like I am selling everybody a business plan with the starting point of making money off of them through recruiting them, regardless if they will be successful or not. It felt like the whole business was about selling people the idea they can get rich, and for them to get rich they would have to sell the idea to others, the product was secondary - you could make some actual sales if you wanted to, but that wasn't the main point, the money was in recruiting more people to invest in the business opportunity.

I ended up not making any sales not getting any recruits, and dropped it after a while, leaving with a sense of failure, and feeling like a fool for being duped into this scheme, as they count on gullible people like myself to recruit into the system, and then don't give effective support to actually make sure they stand within the system and make it. So I see here that I was also left with a sense of blame, as I was blaming them for not supporting me well enough to succeed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to this memory

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this memory defines me from the perspective of believing that if I ever encounter a similar situation it will have the same results, whereas "similar situation" could be any business opportunity, and "same result" would thus be failing - within this I realize I have not been giving myself the opportunity to learn form this experience and change myself as to become more stable, effective, and direct within my application in the future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this memory to limit me as I have allowed myself to believe it defines me and that it represents aspects of myself that are simply "who I am", not realizing that by taking self responsibility and standing within and as myself as the directive principle of myself in every moment - I am that which I create and direct myself to be in every moment, and I am not in fact limited to be who I was, thus, I realize it is my responsibility to learn from past experiences through self investigation as to see the points of weakness and grow and expand from it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear encountering a similar situation because I fear proving myself right, as proving to myself through repeating the past that I am in fact defined by this memory - thus, instead of standing up and facing this fear, within and through self investigation as to support myself to prepare myself to such a situation, I have allowed myself to be directed by this fear and thus not realizing that by doing so have in fact given fear power over me, and thus defining myself and limiting myself according to the fear - within this I realize that I have been sabotaging myself - and to correct myself I must prepare myself through writing and self forgiveness and specific corrective statements, in order to walk through the fear standing tall and applying myself as I have directed myself through my writing - I realize that as long as I allow this memory to dictate who I am - I will never be free, and will never know how much more I could have been

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the feeling of being duped into a scheme and since then, every opportunity that came my way I was suspicions about it, within a belief that I am being offered this opportunity as a scheme, within believing that people are always trying to take advantage of me, within this I realize I have victimized myself and thus have not allowed myself to investigate all points in common sense, within looking practically at the variables of the situation and evaluating if it is for me or not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of experiencing myself as being duped, and thus limit and restrict myself to relive it over and over, not allowing myself the opportunity to explore similar situations from a starting point of self trust as I trust myself to walk through any situation and apply common sense, as assessing what is involved what needs to be done and am I willing to do what is necessary - and within taking into consideration all aspect, to make a directive decision and stand by it - and within it, to not allow past memories that hold within them fear / judgment / failure to direct and control me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for "buying into" the MLM idea, within this I haven't allowed myself to consider that I am judging myself based on the result, as if I had made money I would have seen it as if "buying into" the idea was the best thing that I did, and now, since I didn’t make money I conclude that believing the idea was wrong - thus not allowing myself to simply investigate who I am in relation to the idea / concept regardless succeeding or failing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a fool for believing and buying into the idea, because I have judged it according to my success / failure, within this I have not allowed myself to take everything into consideration, as my participation and whether I actually pushed myself to succeed, the product, the training, and many other aspects that I have not allowed myself to investigate because I have went into self judgment for "falling in a trap", and thus closing the door of taking the opportunity to take self responsibility and learning all that I can learn from the situation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my "up line" for not training me effectively when I didn't do all that I can in order to express my need for support, and thus, as I didn't express myself as in need for support I cannot blame them for not giving me the support I have never actually asked for - within this, I realize that when in a situation that I am not effective within and there is a structure of support in place, to push myself to ask for help,

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ask for help because I don't want to seem needy within the desire to be liked and accepted, within this I haven't realized that I am compromising myself as allowing myself to go while depriving myself the support I need to flourish, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am responsible to support myself, no one else is responsible for me, and thus it is my responsibility to find the support I need, and not sabotage myself through not asking for the support that is clearly there waiting for me to address it - I commit myself to ask for help and assistance from anyone I see fit that is in a position to assist me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the other polarity of asking for help for things I have the answer to or can do on my own, this within a starting point of not trusting myself and / or not preferring to do the task on my own, within this I realize that if / when I commit myself to something I must take into consideration that I am willing to live the consequences of my decision, and not create a dependency on others within the hope that they will do it for me, and thus lace myself in a win/win position, where whether I receive the help / assistance I can walk stable regardless, because I have prepared myself to stand as the consequences and responsibility within the decision I have made - and thus I reach out for assistance from a starting point of working with that which is here, if assistance is available - great and if it isn't that cannot be an excuse to give up - because I have made my decision in awareness and must stand by all tasks and responsibilities

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Posted by Maya R at 1:40 PM Labels: desteni, doubt, enslavement, excitment, futire projection, here, ignoring myself, mind illusion, Psychology, running ahead of myself, self belief, self doubt, self forgiveness, talking too much, the physica 0 comments

Day 163 - Running ahead of myself - Self forgiveness

for context please read my previous blogs:

Day 162 - Running ahead of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run ahead of myself, as to project into the future, in my mind ideas / imaginations / fears, to then believe them as reality while not realizing that reality is here, in the physical and not a projection of a future that hasn't happened, and is a mere reflection of my imagination / fears / desires.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run ahead of myself as instead of remaining here in breath - remaining here in breath through making decisions and living them in the physical reality as reality unfolds

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard what is actually here by existing in my mind, as living in an illusion, of a self created movie scene representing what I desire and fear, creating an energetic reaction as excitement or anxiety, accumulating the energy to then, when reality unfolds, react to it and not stand stable as breath

I realize that participating in future projections is self sabotage, because I am, by doing so, building up the energetic charge within myself in relation to the future projection as desire and fear, and then when reality unfolds I experience conflict / friction or satisfaction, all mind energetic experiences, and thus creating the path for myself to become possessed by the mind's energy, instead of remaining here in breath, not building up and accumulating energy through future projections, to then, whatever reality brings forth, walk in stability, because I would have not attached energy in expectation or anxiousness to be enslaved to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak about the future and share my future projections as if they were real, and by doing so, dragging those around me in my illusions, not taking into consideration the consequences of not only deluding myself, but also deluding those around me, not considering them at all, but rather using them as a platform to entertain my future projections, as I make them an audience to my future show

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by sharing my future projections I am giving them that much more power over me, as I have given myself as my future projections an audience, within this I realize that I must "control myself, as to when I see myself going into future projections, to stop myself and breathe, and to not entertain myself as the mind by sharing these ideas because it makes them physical in a way, and thus gives them more power over me, as I have now exposed them and others know of them, thus, as self support, I commit myself to refrain from sharing with others my future projections / ideas / imaginations, and make a point of remaining physical and practical within my words, as to support myself and them, through speaking the truth, as the reality of what is here, and not to speak the illusions of my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, through out my day, as I do physical activities, instead of being here in breath, to be in my mind as future projections, as I imagine what I will say, what I will ware, how things will be, I imagine my experience within it, I separate myself completely from myself here, from reality, and embark in a journey into my mind

I realize that this is an addiction, because if it was not, it would be easy to stop it in the moment - today, as I was working in the garden, I stopped myself over and over again, saying to myself "NO!!" each time I saw myself going into the thoughts / imaginations - as I was stopping myself over and over I became frustrated and helpless, but then I realized that is also but a mind trick, because there is no point in giving up to helplessness, and yes, I will have to stop myself many many times before the thoughts stop coming up - I have given them so much energy through out my life, it will take time and persistence to stop them, to have their energy dissipate - thus, I realize that it's not a matter of giving up, but simply a matter of making the decision and sticking to it - thus, I commit myself to stop myself in breath, when and as I see myself going into my mind as future projections, imaginations, ideas, and within stopping to forgive myself and not allow myself to create and hold on to any self judgment, and to simply stop as many times as it takes, until it is done.

When I realize / see I'm in my mind, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to what I am physically busy with, I focus on my breath, I focus on my physical body

Within this, I commit myself to investigate the points that keep coming up, because I realize they are showing me back to myself, as representing a relationship within me towards myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into future projections in regards to starting a business, within planning and imagining what I will say / do / ware, I realize this indicates a point of not trusting myself, as I exist within a belief / experience, that I must plan ahead, even though, once again, the point isn't here, from perspective that I am not, for instance, at the mall, buying cloths for work - I am working in the garden and anything that isn't in direct relation to what I am doing now, in the garden is irrelevant - I realize that within participating in that which is irrelevant I am showing myself a point of anxiety, based on not trusting myself to be able to handle life as it comes my way, and thus believe I am preparing myself through future projections

In my next blog I will open up these memories, and will walk them through in self forgiveness to free myself from their hold of me, or actually my hold on them, so that I can learn from the past rather than being enslaved to it.

To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course

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Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Posted by Maya R at 1:08 PM Labels: buisiness opportunity, change in plans, control, decision making, desteni, dissapointment, mind control, mind possession, out of my control, self abuse, self forgiveness, self investigation, self sabotage, shame, work 2 comments

Day 162 - Running ahead of myself

for context please read my previous blogs:

Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online

This is continuing from my previous blogs regarding a life changing decision - so, I've made a decision to take a business opportunity, as I've written, it was a hard decision to make yet I stood by it and took the decision. Yey me.

What I didn't realize is that not everything is in my control, actually, when looking at it, almost nothing is.

What happened was that I had made the decision, but then I had to communicate to others that are involved with the point, and it turned out that the opportunity that I was preparing myself for, was no longer available, I had waited too long, or maybe it wasn't even available to begin with - come to think about it, it was never actually presented to me as a real opportunity but just as an idea, and I took the idea as reality, and started planning and projecting lovely imaginations of my predicted future, "now that I have made the decision and have already changed my life"… lol…

Anyway, for a moment there, when I was told the opportunity was not on the table, I wasn't laughing, I was actually very disappointed, and felt foolish for have seen it as a done deal in my mind, as a future projections and imaginations, existing in a complete illusion - Because, the opportunity was never actually here, as a real physical opportunity, it was merely an idea - but I didn't see it as such, I had run ahead of myself in complete separation from reality, from myself, from what is here. Telling people about this life changing decision, writing about it here in my blog, and really believing that because I had made the decision, that the point is done - believing that this is how life works, I decide on something and it simply happens…

What's cool about these previous days in regards to the decision is that I actually took it, I made the decision, what I didn't realize that it's not all up to me, and there are other forces at play, other people in the game.

So, after my initial disappointment, I tried to figure out what I had done wrong, was it because I told people about it, should I have kept it to myself until the deal was closed? Was it because I got so excited about it, is this existence punishing me through the polarity excitement / disappointment? Was it because of the fear and worry that came up within me, did I manifest my fears of failing and have failed myself before even starting anything?...

At this point I realized that I am not actually looking nor investigating in self honesty, but that I am now busy blaming myself, pointing a blaming finger at myself in anger, as if I have failed myself for missing this chance - I realized I am participating in energy as looking to see where I was wrong, not from a practical starting point of common sense as to learn from the situation and to expand from it, to realize another layer of myself, but from an energetic starting point of blame, as a form of self punishment, and thus, I felt worse by the minute as I found more and more points that I didn't stand in breath - so I became angry with myself, and not realizing that once again I've been busy getting lost in my mind instead of breathing here, in realizing that nothing physically had changed from a moment ago, everything that was here a moment ago is still here, I am here, and that which was never here was not really taken away as I experienced it.

I believed my mind created future projections to be of reality, and so I then experienced loss, as if I lost something that I had, but really I just lost an idea, an illusion, there was nothing to lose really - within this I realize that even if there was something to lose, would that justify my self blame and anger, would that justify allowing myself to experience this energetic experience as a form of self punishment? Even if there was something to lose, would I really be losing anything, or just an idea, a self definition, an energetic attachment?... I could really only lose something either created in my mind as an illusion, or something I have separated from myself and have placed value in that thing instead of equalizing myself to it, and thus experiencing loss, as if I am losing that part of myself that I haven't claimed as myself in equality.

I then experienced shame and embarrassment for telling people and now having to face them and telling them that I was premature, and that what I told them was not based on reality, not noticing that I was again in my mind, in future projections as to how will I face them, how will they react? Will they mock me for being so foolish, will they pity me for losing my opportunity?...

Man, why do I keep doing this, trying to solve things in my mind, always trying to figure things out in my mind, never allowing myself to simply be here, to breathe in self trust, to slow myself down, to return to myself, to return to the physical as myself, to be here, to live. I mean, what actually happened? Nothing really, I had a plan and it changed, I decided to do something and it didn't work out due to things that are out of my control - that's all that happened, but instead of seeing it realistically, I have spent all that time in my mind, creating and building up energy, creating and accumulating ideas, interpretations, beliefs, judgments, blame, justifications and so on, basically creating internal friction and conflict, creating my own suffering through my acceptance, allowance and participation within / as the mind.

I realize though, that my mind isn't the problem, all it does is reflects me back to myself, as through my participation with my mind I can see who I am as the beingness of myself, as what I have been accepting and allowing as myself. So, what is my mind showing me? It is showing me who I am, who I, as the beingness as myself, am accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be - lets have a look: self doubt, self hatred / anger / shame, self neglect / abuse / separation / hope / illusion - it is showing me that I don't know who I am, and that I am looking for myself in the future as a mind illusion, instead of realizing that I am right here, and since I am in fact right here, in every moment, I can get to know myself, let go the barrier of self judgment, and find myself within myself, here - I will not be more than myself if the future plays out as I planed, just as I will not be less of myself if it doesn't - yet, this is how I experience it, thus, my mind is showing me that I am not unconditional towards myself, my self value is dependent on how reality plays out, and within it my self respect, self honor, self love, self dignity - if this is who I am, as what I accept myself to be, what I created myself as, then I defiantly want to change.

Why am I not embracing myself in my own arms, like I would an innocent child? why am I beating myself up over this? Why am I looking to blaming myself? Am I doing so in order to justify to myself my self believed worthlessness once again?

This is so messed up!!!

How did I become this self abusive creature? Torturing myself in believing the abusive illusions of the mind while disregarding what is here as the physical, instead of supporting myself to stand as life, to empower myself, to build self trust, to find self care within and as myself and to embrace myself within myself, in understanding that I have created myself as who I am over years, and it will take self dedication to change myself, it will take a process, and as long as I am walking there is no point on beating myself up, because beating myself up is part of the "old me" that I want to change, I don't want to be that person that beats themselves up for making mistakes, it's sad.

In the blogs to come I will open up the points in self forgiveness, to investigate the points further, to answer all the questions that came up here, to understand myself more, to forgive myself, to allow myself to let go, and to direct myself to change.

To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course

Also, Please check out the following Links:

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Sunday, February 17, 2013

Posted by Maya R at 2:58 PM Labels: decision making, desteni'self forgiveness, enslaved to my own money, fear of survival, golden cage, guilt, money, self honesty, self honor, self support, shame, shamefulness, survival 0 comments

Day 161 - Shame - I've done nothing with my life

I'm continuing the point that opened up in my blog yesterday, please read it for context if you haven’t already - Day 160 – A life changing Decision

I experience shame - shame for not having the integrity to push myself regardless of having that financial safety net - I enslaved myself to my money through allowing myself to limit myself and not explore myself but instead hide behind the convenience of not having to push myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame, instead of investigating in self honesty what is the shame showing me within and as myself, and to commit myself to change and align myself to/as a principle I can stand as, to never experience shame again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame for not having the integrity to push myself regardless of having a financial safety net

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my financial safety net as an excuse from exploring myself, expanding myself and allowing myself to actually live, instead of using my financial advantage to my advantage and actually put it in good use, instead I have allowed myself to fear losing it, and to lean on it as a crutch, thus limiting myself and creating over time a self belief of inadequacy

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the experience of shame is showing me what I have done, as I have allowed myself to limit myself, as I have allowed myself to create myself as self limitation in fear, instead of standing stable within and as myself and building self trust, self respect, self honor and self dignity by being all that I can be, by pushing myself to live fully, but instead I have built self doubt through accumulating justification for "not doing", not expanding, not exploring

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame instead of stopping the shame and correcting myself as seeing what I have accepted and allowed myself, as I have allowed myself to give up on myself, to close myself off in fear of falling and thus, have not allowed myself to learn to walk , and to commit myself to never again, to face my fears, to walk through them standing up and stable, because ei realize that either I direct myself or I will allow myself to be directed by my fears, and I realize that by allowing myself to be directed by my fears I am giving my power away, time and time again, until I reach the point of shame, because I see what I have done, and I see I could have done it differently, but it's too late, because the past cannot be changed, time cannot be turned back, and thus, the only practical solution is to commit myself to never again - thus, I commit myself to not allow myself to make decisions in regards what I do or don't do based in financial fear, I commit myself to let go the emotions I have attached to the situation through self forgiveness and writing, and to through common sense find what is the practical thing to do, I commit myself to not allow myself to fight for my limitations, as I have used all the excuses to not do things based on self beliefs that I am inadequate, not giving myself the chance to prove me wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on trying and dedicating myself to a project because I had a financial safety net, and thus I have never allowed myself to discover what I can do, what I enjoy doing, where I can contribute, because I have always allowed myself to stop when things got hard, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing to leave my comfort zone, because I could afford not to, not realizing that only outside of my comfort zone will I face myself and be able to grow and expand, as I try new things and explore myself within them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in shame because I realize I have never trusted myself enough to let myself make mistakes, and thus have limited myself and prevented myself from growing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself in fear of falling, making a mistake and failing, within fear of survival as the back chat in my mind as "what if I loose all my money, and cannot provide for myself?" - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow and participate with this back chat, not realizing and seeing that it is this following the back chat that is the point of self sabotage, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this back chat to be me and thus, to follow it as if I am giving myself some good advise, though I have never questioned where this back chat is coming from and why it is not actually supporting me in living out myself in my true and full potential, but is always diminishing me - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self diminishment, and to accept myself as self diminishment through unquestionable believing and following my mind as back chat and self diminishing thoughts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to my money through allowing myself to limit myself and not explore myself but instead hide behind the convenience of not having to push myself because "I have money, I am fine, I don't need to work hard".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a polarity between money and work, and thus believe that because I have money I don’t have to work, thus not realizing that I have defined money as good and worked as bad, instead of realizing that it is actually the other way around, as I have allowed money to limit my self expression, and haven't allowed myself to explore myself in/as work because I have defined it as bad / not preferred, and thus have been avoiding it, with money being the justification as to why I can allow myself to avoid work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame, and within that to want to hide myself as to not reveal / exposed that which I am ashamed of and judge as myself, thus I have build up excuses and justification as to why I am "not successful" amongst them being a self belief that I am inadequate, that something is wrong with me, instead of seeing that the real point is that I simply didn't want to take myself out of my comfort zone, as I didn't want to inconvenience me, not realizing that only outside the comfort zone can I expand, and that only through inconvenience can I learn new things and grow

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame based on memories of the past, as I have defined myself according to what I have or haven't done in the past and thus within judging myself I experience shame, as I see in self honesty that what I have or haven't done is unacceptable and doesn't stand as life, within the principle of equality, within self respect and self honor, and thus instead of standing up within / as myself and stopping / changing myself to align myself within / as the principle of equality, and live as the expression of self respect and self honor, I have allowed myself to exist in shame, beating myself up for what I have done in the past, that which I cannot change as it is done with, thus, within this, I realize the experience of shame is a gift, showing me to myself within allowing myself to look in vulnerability what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, but in the very moment of seeing shame as an energetic experience is no longer supportive, but is a point of self sabotage as it justifies self judgment instead of looking for solutions and corrections, thus, when and as I experience myself going into shame, I commit myself to stop myself and breathe, to practically investigate in self honesty and direct myself within self forgiveness and corrective statement to walk in a way that will honor myself as life, as the principle of equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame for not being financial independent, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and judge myself according to whether I have been financially independent, and within this giving the highest value to financial independence, and thus diminishing myself to one aspect and judging myself accordingly, instead of supporting myself to grow within it and equalizing myself to and as that aspect, within investigating why have I not been financial independent and finding practical ways to support myself to change, instead of judging myself as an expression of the belief that it is who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame because I was born to a financially stable family, and have not yet "made something out of myself" according to how I perceive and understand the system's definition of being a success, and thus, I experience shame that I have not made it even though I had all the opportunity, within this, I compare myself to those that were born to poverty and experience shame and guilt for having taking for ranted the life that I had while they had to struggle in poverty, within this I realize that the guilt and shame are a cover up, an excuse and justification to not stand up and change the inequality I see within the system, as I give myself a free ticket out through experiencing the burden of shame and guilt - no, I will not allow this, I realize shame and guilt have a role by showing me to myself though, holding onto them is self manipulation within self interest, as if to say "look I feel so bad about it, let me do nothing about it because my bad feeling is enough of a burden" - I commit myself to stop myself from going into and holding onto the experience of shame and guilt in regards to taking my life for granted, and instead to apply myself and become the persona that I can be, to stand in equality to the principle of equality, and this starts with myself, as allowing myself to be equal to myself and not less than who I really am, which is what I've been allowing all my life, and thus the shame for not actually living, even though I apparently had the circumstances to do so, what I didn't have is myself, to push myself to become myself in self honesty

I realize shame is a point of self support, it is a gift as it can be a point of transformation - I realize I mustn't hold on to the shame in energy and allow the shame to become an energetic experience as a form of self abuse and self punishment, but rather allow myself to investigate the point in clarity and stability, within allowing myself to see that which I, as the shame, am showing myself, and then, within what I find in self honesty, to forgive myself unconditionally within realizing that the past cannot be changed, it can only become a platform for self transformation and self correction.

When and as I see myself going into shame, I stop myself and breathe, I write out the experience and find it's source within self honesty, as I investigate and ask myself why am I experiencing shame, what have I done or didn't do that I have come to experience shame, and once I find the point, I write it out and commit myself to change within finding practical applications as self support to help me through the point to never again allow myself to relive this point of shame.

I realize I have been participating in a pattern of giving up on myself, not trusting myself, and excusing myself with not having to push myself through the effort / difficulty / resistance due to not having to support myself financially - thus, I commit myself to, from now on, not allow myself to give up on myself based on "I don't have to do this" I commit myself to establish common sense through writing the points out, and making sure I am not fighting for my limitations, that I am not justifying doing / not doing based on self diminishment and fear of failure, when and as I see myself going into the pattern of self diminishment and fear of failure I stop myself and breathe and push myself to deliberately do that which I resist doing, to prove to myself that I am not limited by the ideas I have created of myself within the mind trying to "protect" myself, while all along limiting myself from expanding, learning and living.

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