Day 164 - Enslaved to Memories - Failed opportunity relived

for context please read my previous blogs:

Day 160 – A life changing Decision

Day 161 - Shame - I've done nothing with my life

Day 162 - Running ahead of myself

Day 163 - Running ahead of myself - Self forgiveness

 

I ended up my last blog with the following statement:

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to be able to handle whatever comes my way, through remaining here, breathing in stability - I realize this lack of self trust in regards to work is created through memories I am still holding onto within myself and giving value to and defining myself through.

 

Here I will start walking the memories / past moments that are coming up within me, that I see still have their hooks into me, I have defined myself based on these memories / past moments, as I have seen them as facts, as real stories telling me who I am and what are my limitations, I realize that as long as I hold on to these memories and allow myself to be directed by them, as long as I allow myself to be defined by them, they will in fact dictate who I am and will be - I have limited myself to believing that the memories must repeat themselves, not giving myself the opportunity to learn from them, to let them go, and change / correct myself to become an effective human being, here goes:

 

Memory: Investing in joining an MLM and not selling one product nor one "business opportunity".

 

I got to the recruiting presentation by mere coincidence, I wasn't directly invited, I just went with a friend that was invited by her friend. At the presentation I totally bought into the idea that multi level marketing is the way to go, why spend money on advertisements when we can go by word of mouth and personal sales?

 

I had decided to join, and was trained by my "up line" to now call all my friends , family and acquaintances, to invite them to come hear the same presentation I had heard, so we can all share the wealth. There were strict rules though, I was not allowed to tell them what it was about, I was supposed to give them very little information and just make sure they would come to the presentation based on trusting me that it would be worth their while - this approach made me feel very uncomfortable, I felt like I was manipulating them - why couldn't I have just been direct? Would they have not come if I were to tell them what it's about? Another point was that I hadn't really tested the product for myself, so I felt uncomfortable selling a product I didn't really believe in.

 

The people that recruited me were very good at brushing away all my concerns, but when I had to make the phone calls I was not clear nor stable, I felt like I was part of a scheme, like I am selling everybody a business plan with the starting point of making money off of them through recruiting them, regardless if they will be successful or not. It felt like the whole business was about selling people the idea they can get rich, and for them to get rich they would have to sell the idea to others, the product was secondary - you could make some actual sales if you wanted to, but that wasn't the main point, the money was in recruiting more people to invest in the business opportunity.

 

I ended up not making any sales not getting any recruits, and dropped it after a while, leaving with a sense of failure, and feeling like a fool for being duped into this scheme, as they count on gullible people like myself to recruit into the system, and then don't give effective support to actually make sure they stand within the system and make it. So I see here that I was also left with a sense of blame, as I was blaming them for not supporting me well enough to succeed.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to this memory

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this memory defines me from the perspective of believing that if I ever encounter a similar situation it will have the same results, whereas "similar situation" could be any business opportunity, and "same result" would thus be failing - within this I realize I have not been giving myself the opportunity to learn form this experience and change myself as to become more stable, effective, and direct within my application in the future

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this memory to limit me as I have allowed myself to believe it defines me and that it represents aspects of myself that are simply "who I am", not realizing that by taking self responsibility and standing within and as myself as the directive principle of myself in every moment - I am that which I create and direct myself to be in every moment, and I am not in fact limited to be who I was, thus, I realize it is my responsibility to learn from past experiences through self investigation as to see the points of weakness and grow and expand from it.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear encountering a similar situation because I fear proving myself right, as proving to myself through repeating the past that I am in fact defined by this memory - thus, instead of standing up and facing this fear, within and through self investigation as to support myself to prepare myself to such a situation, I have allowed myself to be directed by this fear and thus not realizing that by doing so have in fact given fear power over me, and thus defining myself and limiting myself according to the fear - within this I realize that I have been sabotaging myself - and to correct myself I must prepare myself through writing and self forgiveness and specific corrective statements, in order to walk through the fear standing tall and applying myself as I have directed myself through my writing - I realize that as long as I allow this memory to dictate who I am - I will never be free, and will never know how much more I could have been

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the feeling of being duped into a scheme and since then, every opportunity that came my way I was suspicions about it, within a belief that I am being offered this opportunity as a scheme, within believing that people are always trying to take advantage of me, within this I realize I have victimized myself and thus have not allowed myself to investigate all points in common sense, within looking practically at the variables of the situation and evaluating if it is for me or not

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of experiencing myself as being duped, and thus limit and restrict myself to relive it over and over, not allowing myself the opportunity to explore similar situations from a starting point of self trust as I trust myself to walk through any situation and apply common sense, as assessing what is involved what needs to be done and am I willing to do what is necessary - and within taking into consideration all aspect, to make a directive decision and stand by it - and within it, to not allow past memories that hold within them fear / judgment / failure to direct and control me

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for "buying into" the MLM idea, within this I haven't allowed myself to consider that I am judging myself based on the result, as if I had made money I would have seen it as if "buying into" the idea was the best thing that I did, and now, since I didn’t make money I conclude that believing the idea was wrong - thus not allowing myself to simply investigate who I am in relation to the idea / concept regardless succeeding or failing

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a fool for believing and buying into the idea, because I have judged it according to my success / failure, within this I have not allowed myself to take everything into consideration, as my participation and whether I actually pushed myself to succeed, the product, the training, and many other aspects that I have not allowed myself to investigate because I have went into self judgment for "falling in a trap", and thus closing the door of taking the opportunity to take self responsibility and learning all that I can learn from the situation

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my "up line" for not training me effectively when I didn't do all that I can in order to express my need for support, and thus, as I didn't express myself as in need for support I cannot blame them for not giving me the support I have never actually asked for - within this, I realize that when in a situation that I am not effective within and there is a structure of support in place, to push myself to ask for help,

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ask for help because I don't want to seem needy within the desire to be liked and accepted, within this I haven't realized that I am compromising myself as allowing myself to go while depriving myself the support I need to flourish, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am responsible to support myself, no one else is responsible for me, and thus it is my responsibility to find the support I need, and not sabotage myself through not asking for the support that is clearly there waiting for me to address it - I commit myself to ask for help and assistance from anyone I see fit that is in a position to assist me

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the other polarity of asking for help for things I have the answer to or can do on my own, this within a starting point of not trusting myself and / or not preferring to do the task on my own, within this I realize that if / when I commit myself to something I must take into consideration that I am willing to live the consequences of my decision, and not create a dependency on others within the hope that they will do it for me, and thus lace myself in a win/win position, where whether I receive the help / assistance I can walk stable regardless, because I have prepared myself to stand as the consequences and responsibility within the decision I have made - and thus I reach out for assistance from a starting point of working with that which is here, if assistance is available - great and if it isn't that cannot be an excuse to give up - because I have made my decision in awareness and must stand by all tasks and responsibilities

 

 

more on this memory to come