Saturday, February 16, 2013
The point of inadequacy came up again. you are welcome to read my previous blogs on inadequacy:
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Day 151 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food – Part 2 - Preparing Wraps
Day 152 - Inadequacy – Preparing Food – Part 3 – Farm Chicken
Day 153 - Inadequacy – Creativity – Part 1
Day 154 - Inadequacy - Creativity - Self forgiveness
I'm faced with a decision about what my next step in life will be, am I going to take the safe route by going back home and becoming a teacher or getting some other "regular" job, or am I going to take a risk, live in another country, make an investment and start a business. It's a risk from the perspective that I would be my own boss, making my own schedule, and basically counting on myself to succeed, where as the easy route is getting a regular job, getting a regular salary, and having the security that each month I will be paid.
Even by defining one rout the easy one and the other a risk I can already see that I am altering my perspective, not allowing myself to see clearly the two option, and already infecting my decision with fear. I was never much of a risk taker, always preferred to play it safe.
What do I fear? Well, I've never been independent before, especially financially independent, I never had to provide for myself, I always had a safety net to fall back on, and because I was so used to my safety net, I never used it as a safety net, but more like a flexible floor, I never struggled for money, I always had jobs that didn't completely sustain me, because I could afford it due to my safety net.
Having money to fall back on was both a blessing and a curse, though now, looking at the consequences as the inadequacy I have created as myself as a result, it maybe more of a curse than a blessing - thanks to the money I had, I lived the life I believe everyone should live, everyone should have the sense of security, knowing that whatever comes up they will have the ability to take care of it, which in our world, in the current system, it means having the finance to take care of anything that comes up. Everyone would be better off living a life where they are not enslaved to a job they don't want to do, just to earn their living - even those words are insane, as in the current system we have to earn our living, we are not granted the right for life just for being alive - we must earn it.
So why do I say it is a curse? Well, in our current system as it is, if one cannot provide for oneself, they are basically screwed, money equals life, money is security, money is food / health / education / cloths / transportation, in the current money system one must have money or the ability to make money in order to survive and feel secure. For me, because I had enough to get by and then some, I never had to push myself to work for a living, I had it easy, I could work but didn't have to, so I did work, but because I didn't have to provide for myself I worked at low paying jobs, and it was never within the experience of survival. The problem was that "having it easy" can be a curse, a curse because I used it as an excuse to not live out my highest potential - what I mean is, because I didn't struggle for money, when I would meet an obstacle I didn't have to push through it, and so I didn't, I gave up, and that had become my pattern, and throughout time it had developed to a self belief that I am incapable of providing for myself, simply because I never had to do it, and thus, I never did.
So, anyway, now I'm faced with making this decision, and by taking the "risky" choice I will be forced to face myself big time - I will not have my safety net anymore, I will actually have to make it in the system in order to survive, I will have to push myself and not give up, because now, giving up would have severe consequences - as I'm writing this out, I experience shame, shame for not having the integrity to push myself regardless of having that financial safety net - I enslaved myself to my money through allowing myself to limit myself and not explore myself but instead hide behind the convenience of not having to push myself. I experience shame because instead of using the money in a productive way, I have used it as a crutch - I was leaning on a crutch even though I could actually walk on both my legs, and just like the physical body, when you use a crutch when it's unnecessary you will create consequences, as your legs will become weak and dependent, when you actually had the power to walk all along, but gave your power away to the crutch. I'm ashamed because, I had it all, unlike people that are born into poverty or any type of struggle, I had the opportunity to create myself as what ever I wanted, but I didn't, I didn't take the opportunity that was given to me, instead I had made it into a "golden cage", trapping myself in it, braking off my wings piece by piece, until reaching a point that I truly believe I cannot fly.
So, this is my curse that I inflicted upon myself, using a crutch when I could walk, and now, I don't believe in myself, I don't have the confidence that walking is possible, walking became a point of intimidation me, as I see all my friends walking and running, and I will just have to start over the whole process, starting with crawling, making the mistakes of the beginner and pushing myself to breathe through it to allow myself to learn to walk, realizing that I must do it, I must walk this process or I will never brake this self sabotaging self belief of inadequacy - it's a point of establishing self trust - yes, it would have been cool if I had done this years ago, using my safety net a support system instead of a limiting crutch, but I didn't, and now, the choice I am facing is to do it without a safety net, or not do it at all.
Not doing it would mean giving in to my fear, giving in to my experience of inadequacy, and once again not giving myself the opportunity to brake through this pattern, just as I haven't allowed myself to brake through in the past, by limiting myself and tying myself down by my safety net and fears. Doing it would mean that I will really have to do it, it won't be a game anymore, I will have to actually work hard, put in the effort, the time, the dedication, make mistakes and correct the while still standing and pushing through, in order to allow myself to expand, allow myself to live out my highest potential, allow myself to free myself from the chains I had tied myself down with.
As I'm writing this out I realize I have made my decision, there is still that voice in my head shouting out "Wait, don't do it!! What if you fall? What if you lose everything? How will you ever pick yourself up?" but I realize this is the voice of my mind, arguing for my own limitation, and I am grateful for this voice, as it is showing me exactly who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, as I have allowed myself to follow this voice of fear, as I have allowed myself to exist in fear, be directed by fear, and never actually do anything, express myself, take risks, because of the fear, coming up as future projections of all that can go wrong - but, is this who I want to be for the rest of my life? The answer is clear.
I realize this road might be bumpy, but in order to free myself I must allow myself to lose everything that has been holding me back from being myself as self expression, at this point I see it's my safety net that I have allowed myself to be restricted by, and as long as I hold onto it, and allow myself to make decisions based on the fear of losing it, I will have never lived, I will always remain but a portion of who I really am as life, as expression, as expansion.
Now that the decision is made, the journey is only starting, in my next blogs I will write out self forgiveness and corrective statement in order to prepare the way before me, to let go the points that have been holding me back and find within me the correction, so when I walk this path I am prepared.
At the moment I am experiencing a combination of excitement, anxiety and a stability - this is a weird mixture of experiences, as they seem to all contradict each other yet somehow they are all here. I'll investigate them as well in my next blogs to come.
thanks
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3 comments:
Cool Maya! Thanks for sharing this
Cool Maya! Thanks for sharing this!
Great read. I appreciate you placing your decision process for all to see. I read ahead, so for those catching up: quite a twist coming! ")
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