Thursday, March 7, 2013
for context please read my previous blogs:
Day 160 – A life changing Decision
Day 161 - Shame - I've done nothing with my life
Day 162 - Running ahead of myself
Day 163 - Running ahead of myself - Self forgiveness
Day 164 - Enslaved to Memories - Failed opportunity relived
Day 165 - Enslaved to Memories – Correction
Day 166 - Enslaved to Memories - Money and Morality
Making decisions is hard - most of my life I avoided decisions and preferred to "go with the flow", let life make decisions for me, at the time it felt very much like a let go, like I'm not attached and can do whatever life brings my way, as a part of a careless character I have defined myself as - but I was lying to myself - I was afraid of making my mind, I was afraid of making a decision and it being the wrong one, I was frozen in fear and simply couldn't decide, until then some of the options just fell away and became irrelevant, and some, the more I considered them, seemed non-realistic based on my own self limitation, this "natural" process of elimination went on until I was left with one option, which I "chose", or did it choose me?... sometimes the decision was made based on some conversations with friends, where I end up choosing the option that seems to make the most sense to them, as far as I could perceive, like making decisions based on what I believe others expect of me, within a weird assumption that they know something I don't, they have it figured out, thus, I should follow their advise because "what do I know?"
Ether way, it's rarely, if not ever, been me making a decision as a self directive decision within common sense through actually investigating the options and deciding for real and for myself what would be the most practical / best route for me to pursue, within considering the outflow of each decision, considering the physical / practical application that each decision has within it, considering the responsibilities that each decision implies, and considering the consequences of each decision.
I use to love having lots of options, it gave me a sense of freedom, as I was free to chose from so many options, but was I really free? Apparently not, I was enslaved to my fears and self created limitations, I was never actually free to make any decision, and the funny thing is that if I were free of the enslavement of the mind I would know what to do before having the confusion, which is mind created - within all the physical and actual options that presented themselves I wouldn't really have a choice, because when one is free of the enslavement of the mind one has only one actual rout to go in, and that is the rout of self honesty - so, here it's just a funny point to realize - we are existing within a desire to have free choice while at the same moment robbing ourselves of any choice because we exist as the mind, and thus follow the preprogramming of the mind as we blindly follow our self interest, as we are blindly directed by our fears and desires - we have no choice at all - and once we free ourselves from the mind, and stop ourselves from following our self interest, and stop ourselves from being directed by our fears and desires - we are left with one choice, which leaves no free choice, from the prospective of how I , as the mind, have defined choice.
So really, and this has been said so many times within the desteni material - we all only actually have one choice in every moment and every breathe - we have the choice of living self honestly or dishonestly - whereas within self honesty there isn't a choice because within self honesty one always choose that which is best for all life, and within self dishonesty there isn't really any choice either, because one simply follow their preprogrammed mind as their own patterns / habits, created by memories of the past, and basically exist in a time loop reliving past memories over and over.
As I've said above, within making any decision I would experience, and still do, the fear of making a mistake, fear of being wrong - this is tied into a belief or a form of experience that there is the ultimate "right" thing to do and the ultimate "wrong" thing to do, and I must chose the "right" option but I don't know what it is and I don't know how to know, within this there is a subtle experience that I am being watched by existence and will be judged if / as I choose the wrong option - within this I now realize and must remind myself of this when and as each decision I ever have to make, that you cannot make a "wrong decision" - every decision will simply have different outflows - and you can walk in your mind the time line of each decision in order to see which consequence are you willing to live with, which outflow is best for all - this can be done in writing as a practical tool, as to open up all possibilities that each option holds within it, to come to a clear view of the situation in self honesty, as we all know our accepted fears and limitations, and we might as well allow ourselves to "look into the future" and see how we might sabotage ourselves to be able to self honestly say to ourselves "am I willing to walk through this point and change myself, or, am I willing to live with any consequence that may come my way within walking this option?"
We must see and realize what is the "price" to pay for each decision... because we have a tendency to exist in the imagination where all our fantasies seem wonderful, where some options just don't seem to have a down side, but then in the physical reality there is much more hard work than we allowed ourselves to be aware of within our bubble fantasy, more consequences, more responsibilities involved - in most cases, if we allow ourselves to step out of the fantasy and into reality, if we allowed ourselves to look at it within self honesty, as to let go the desire, and just look at the physical reality of the options, within considering who I really am, as what must I walk through and transcend in order to walk this option most effectively - if we do so, we can see the physical outflows and consequences of our options ahead of time, at least to some extent - and that would be a good starting point of making the decision - as practical self honest self investigation.
For instance, for me, there is the fantasy about "I want to make so much money" but then in reality I must be willing to "pay the price" which is a lot of hard work, making phone calls, talking to strangers, meeting people, acting like a successful person even before i actually feel like i am - there are many aspects of the fantasy that don't show up in the initial imagination of "I'm going to make so much money", I have to "dig in" in order to recognize all that is practically / physically involved in making and living with this decision - so for me, all these points that i see are a big challenge, and initially I don't really want to face these points and don't really walk through them , because I fear them - though, within this, I know that walking through these points, pushing myself to apply myself, for better or for worse, either way - it will be a stepping stone for growth - I know that if i push myself and dedicate myself, regardless of if I turn out to being good at it or not, if I make all the money that I wanted or not, regardless any result / outflow, as success / failure - I realize that if I chose this option, my relationship to the experience, is what I will make out of it - this I way the actual option is not so much the point - the decision is who am I going to be in relationship to the decision, and to all that comes my way.
Whatever happens, if I chose to live self honestly - I will self investigate my reactions, my self beliefs, my imaginations, I will take self responsibility for the failure and analyze the success, I will not take success / failure personally into emotions and feelings and will simply stick to the physical and practical - so either way it can be a growing experience, whether i "succeed" or not... Still though, i have a lot of fear - but i don't want to be directed by my self believed limitations... i know how much i limit myself and don't believe in myself - so, any point of making a decision is an opportunity, is a chance to prove myself wrong, and to free myself from the beliefs by walking through the fears, and not letting them dictate to me who I am ...
to help oneself decide in regards to making a decision - you must look at all your options, look at and try to understand why you want each one of them - what about them appeals to you? what about them do you reject? What about them is an imagined fantasy? Where are my beliefs and assumptions in regards to the option? And which ever other supportive questions you may have - then you can start seeing more clearly.
Instead of going through all this "trouble" of making a practical decision, what I have done most of my life is follow the tendency to not make a directive decision and just "go with the flow" because that is a way of escaping facing myself, it's a way to avoid taking responsibility for the expected failure, within the self limitation - thus, when one doesn't actually decide, but rather "go with the flow", one is trying to avoid the expected self blame / guilt for the mistakes one belief self will inevitably make - thus instead of being the self directive principle as making a directive decision - self allows things to just happen - but, in retrospect, as self looks back into how self has lived ones life - it is much more cool to actually decide - for better or worse - at least this way you know you are alive in a way - and not just a flowing / falling leaf...
I have been a flowing / falling leaf most of my life - but, I've realized that being a flowing / falling leaf is an illusion - it means not being awake, not taking responsibility for anything, just following what the situation brings forth, believing it is nature / existence directing the show, but actually one has made the decision of being a follower while other people direct and decide, thus by flowing / following / falling as a leaf, one actually allows others to direct ones life.
there were many situations where I just followed / flowed with / fell into the situation instead of directing it, but then looking back you see yourself and you know you could have done something different, and you know you knew exactly what had to be done, exactly what you needed / wanted to do, but didn't, and you know you were too afraid to do anything and step out of the comfort zone of flowing / following - and then you are left with the regret - and regret is a nasty experience, and one that is hard to let go of, and forgive yourself for - instead rather not fall / flow / follow in that trap to begin with… I've done this for years, and it's a hard pattern to brake free from. But I guess here I am writing about it, starting to take responsibility for it, starting to see how I've lived it, and within my writing, the more I write, the more I see, the more I can direct myself to change myself as this patterns I have existed as, and into an expression of life, as the expression of myself, within making decisions for / as myself.
I know that some of you, as I did, have a really nice, even spiritual idea about flowing like a leaf, allowing the wind to take self where the wind desire, as the expression of nature and existence - an experience of being a part of something greater - but when looking at it, all that it is, is allowing self to make the fear greater than self, and then being directed by these fears in an illusion that it is romantic and beautiful, when in fact it is giving your life away.
Where as, the actual "beauty" is when you are really aligned with yourself, as when you are one with yourself there is a natural flow as there is no inner conflict as the mind, creating conflict, friction and confusion - that is the kind of flow that I'm looking for, being totally myself, one and equal with myself, directing myself in walking my own path, as appose to existing as a leaf because I am too afraid to make a decision, because I'm afraid making a mistake - so i prefer others to make the mistake so at least i can blame them - but that is a life of regret... I'm not interested in that any more...
Regret is a bitch - it's cool to see what we have done and know that we don't approve of such behavior and so from that perspective it's a cool learning platform - but it sucks!! so prevention is the best cure - best not to create regrets through living like a lifeless powerless fearful leaf that flows / follows / falls, but rather become self directive within the Principe of equality and oneness as living that which is best for all.
It's best to get our act together, and stop the act - stop existing in fear, and start living - and making decision, being self directive, finding out who I am in relation to all that exists around me, finding out who I am as the mind through making decisions, through walking them, through facing myself, within realizing that only through knowing myself as who I really am, as who I created myself as, as who / what I accepted and allowed myself to be / become - will I be able to slowly but surly entangle the chains I have placed around my neck, and slowly but surly peal off the layers of self deception I have hidden within - and start realizing myself as who I am, and make the only choice that is worth making - as to live one and equal with / as myself, within self honesty, as the expression of life.
I will continue with self forgiveness
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