My journey to life: Day 175

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Posted by Maya R at 5:02 PM Labels: avoidance, desteni, distraction, priorities, priority list, self forgiveness, self honesty, self honor, self respect, self support, split personality, to do list

Day 175 - Priorities

this is a continuation of my previous blog:

Day 173 – Still not good enough

Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?

A must hear:

The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination – Where does Self-Judgment come from? - Part 11

Where does Self-Judgment come from – from the World around us, or from our own Imaginations?

The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Omnipresence of Self Judgment - Part 12

Has your Self Image negatively influenced your life? Here we discuss How Self Judgment takes over every aspect of your Life, Thoughts and experiences.

The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Self Judgment: Waging a War against yourself - Part 13

Why would we say things to ourselves that we would never dare to say to another?

The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Self Judgment as Punishment - Part 14

Why do we feel like we deserve to be punished through our own self judgment and how does the media contribute to this feeling?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a priority list and then avoid the top task on my list and occupy myself with the tasks at the bottom of the list.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a priority list and then spend my time doing other things for my enjoyment as entertainment / socializing and not get to the priority list that I have made for myself as self support in directing myself to know what I need to do, thus existing in separation within and as myself as, in one moment I am directive and place my tasks nicely prioritized in a list, and the next moment I ignore it, as myself, completely, and don't do that which I intended to do, but instead occupy myself with other stuff, just wasting the minutes of the day away, to then suddenly "remember" that I had made this list and didn't attend to it, and so I judge myself and experience a low as feeling bad for not doing what I intended to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a split personality, in separation of / as myself, where in one moment I am here, I know what I need to do, I know what must be done, I know how I want to direct myself, and then, the next moment I completely disregard myself and the tasks that I have decided to attend to, and do "what I feel like" as satisfying my momentary desire / laziness to then once the moment has past, to regret losing all this time, in realizing that I cannot get this time back, and feel bad for wasting another day of not walking in the path I had intended for myself, but rather allowed myself to be distracted, fooled, by the mind as desire / distractions / laziness, thus, not allowing myself to actually follow through within / as self direction, but always intending to direct myself but then giving up and following my mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the extent of self sabotage within allowing myself to continue participating within / as this construct, where I experience a high as I am making the decision to walk and do specific tasks that I have placed as priority, and then experience indifference as I follow the mind as avoidance / distraction as to not do that which I intended to do, to then experience a low as feeling bad, guilty and ashamed for not following through with what I had decided / committed myself to do, within creating another experience as another layer of belief that I am not good enough, am incapable, am inadequate and so on…

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that as long as I allow myself to follow the energetic addiction of the mind, as allowing myself to go through energetic ups and downs, I will never be self directive, I will never be able to trust myself, for as long as I follow the energy I am living only as self interest, when in fact I am not even serving my own interest, because it always ends in feeling bad about myself, and so I allow myself to follow the momentary self interest just like a junky wanting to get another hit from their drug, to then crash, feel I miserable, to then after the low has past, to forget the cycle and go through it all over again, like a rat in a wheel, running in the same spot for ever and ever, never accomplishing anything and not knowing how to get myself out of this loop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not know how to get out of this loop, when in fact I do know, and thus I am only using the belief of "I don’t know how" as another form of self manipulation to keep myself trapped in this cycle of self misery and underachievement / accomplishment, not in my own best interest in common sense as an actual practical decision made in stability, but rather as an addict, making the decision to hit again, even though I know the consequences will be of self abuse and suffering, as regret and shame, yet I continue and ignore myself, disregarding myself as a living being that deserves to enjoy life, to honor and respect myself, and continue following the path of the drug, in total self sabotage, braking myself down one piece at a time, instead of supporting myself to build myself up, to stand up within and as myself, to be all that I can be, to make a directive decision and walk it, to build self trust, self honor and self respect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire relationship construct to the pattern of not following up on my commitments, and thus, not only to exist within and as the one pattern, but now to exist as two, as one pattern birth another pattern, as I give life to my patterns and allow them, as myself, to reproduce, instead of stopping the patterns within the realization that they do not support me, but rather harm and abuse me, and thus, to stop my participation within them, through writing daily, applying self forgiveness and correcting myself first in writing as practical application statements, and then in physicality to actually walk the correction.

I experience the self empowerment within writing, when and as I write, I experience myself seeing more clearly, seeing how I am harming myself - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deprive myself this self support as writing, where I realize that the more I write the more clearly I see, the more clearly I will be able to live as myself - I have placed writing on top of my priority list and thus have been resisting doing it, always looking for other activities to occupy myself with, until it's so late and I'm tired, and all that is left of the day if for me to write just the very minimum and promise myself I will continue tomorrow, just to follow it up with the same pattern

I have come to realize that I have created a resistance to "priority list" as if I have defined it within myself as in relation to work, to bad things one should avoid, I have connected "priority list" with responsibility, and responsibility to being an adult, and being an adult as not having fun and enjoying life - when in fact I know that the more I allow myself to live as self direction I will enjoy myself more, because I will trust myself and respect myself and stop myself from falling each time over again in the trap of guilt, shame and regret.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect "priorities" to something that must be avoided, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automatically resist my priorities even though I have decided to them in clarity and stability, yet within the automated resistance I do not allow myself to follow myself, but rather I follow the resistance - because it is momentarily easier, though I know in the long run it creates much distress in my life. So silly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the connection between priorities and avoidance, as to exist within a constant competition with myself, as who will run faster, me or my priority, as I chase it and it, as the resistance, runs away - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a game out of running away from my responsibilities / priorities, as if there is something cool about it - where I realize I have created an idea within myself about the "bad guys", probably from movies, where I have created a belief that those that do what they want in the moment and disregard everything, are actually free and "know how to live in the moment", when in fact I have got it all in reverse - living in the moment is being one with myself in every moment, and not existing in constant inner conflict where in every moment self experience / desire something else and then self chases self's desires all the time, believing self to be "living the moment" when in fact not one moment is being actually lived, because it is always interrupted by the next one and next one… and life goes on, and one has never been one with / as self - it's rather sad - yet, I have believe it to be the way I want to live - no responsibility, no care, no worries - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that responsibility / care is something to avoid, that it will take away my freedom, but what kind of freedom do I have when I cannot even chose to do anything and actually follow through? And what kind of life would I live if I don't allow myself to care for anything, including myself, just because I don't want to "pay the price" of taking responsibility and actually accomplishing / achieving something in my life, from the perspective, that any form of self expression, as creation can only happen with self care, and with following through - I must care enough to finish that which I've started, no matter how small or big the task / project may be, I must take responsibility, not as a "bad thing" within judging all responsibilities as something bad and limiting, but as a way to experience completion, as to start something and to follow it through into completion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge all priorities / responsibilities as something bad that exists in contradiction to my freedom, not realizing that as long as I allow myself to be trapped within this self judgment I am not free, as I cannot even decide for myself to follow through with anything, because each moment I realize "oh, I have made a commitment towards something, now it has become a priority / responsibility" at that very moment I back off and begin avoiding - what kind of freedom is that if I am not free to direct myself in freedom?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow the thoughts of "oh, I have made a commitment towards something, now it has become a priority / responsibility" within the belief that priority / responsibility is something to avoid, and thus whenever I realize I have decided on something I automatically go into resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a self sabotaging robot, where the moment I realize I have decided, and made a commitment towards something I automatically back off and brake my own word to myself, and within participating in the resistance I am actually creating the task / priority / responsibility to become something that is hard to walk, to complete, because I have just created a resistance around it, I have made it difficult - where as without participating in the resistance, it is simply a task, no judgment necessary, simply something that needs to be done, and within breath just walk it, step by step into it's completion.