My journey to life: Day 171 - Sure, you can make fun of me, I'm cool with it

Monday, March 11, 2013

Posted by Maya R at 4:56 PM Labels: abuse, abusive nick name, acceptance, bullying, deception, desteni, i wan to be cool, nick name, self compromise, self forgiveness, self honesty, self honor, the butt of the joke, wanting to belong

Day 171 - Sure, you can make fun of me, I'm cool with it

Going through some memories, I have noticed a pattern of allowing myself to be the butt of the joke, presenting myself as being cool about it and laughing with everybody, while actually taking it personally, though not daring to express this, because I so desire to fit in and be accepted as one of the group, I thus suppress myself in self judgment and instead accept and allow this to continue, allowing myself to experience myself as being abused again and again, when all along I am the one abusing myself through judging myself for taking it personally and yet allowing the situation where I experience myself being abused to continue, and not making a stand to stop it, not stopping it within myself as to not take it personally, and not stopping it without as not accepting words / behavior that are of an abusive nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be called by nick names within a starting point of the idea that nick names are endearing, and thus, within the desire to be accepted and loved I will allow to be named by nick names even when they are abusive in nature from the perspective of them putting me down - within this I realize that no name can put me down, and any experience of being put down by a demeaning nick name is a reflection of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as inferiority, within this I realize that my reaction to any given nick name is a window of opportunity for me to explore the reaction, forgive myself and let go the construct, as inferiority, that I am showing myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, when given a nick name that does not stand in equality to me, as it is an expression of superiority / inferiority within it's starting point as expressing diminishment / belittlement, to stand up and stop participation within and as the nick name, as to ask the person to stop using this name, and to stop laughing from the name - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, even when I have realized the nick name does not stand within equality, within it being an expression of diminishment / belittlement, to continue allowing it, and continue participating with it - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow and participate with the given nick name within a starting point of wanting to be accepted, within the idea that it isn't cool to take such things personally, and I am better off laughing with them, and presenting myself as if I don't care, in order to gain their acceptance, and not cause friction / conflict within standing up and asking / demanding them to stop using such a demeaning name.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with and allow being given an abusive nick name within the starting point of wanting to seem cool, as if I don't mind and am not taking it personally, within this not standing in equality within and as myself, but rather trying to be and present myself as that which I am not, within this not realizing that by doing so I am suppressing myself and in fact not accepting myself in the moment of taking it personally, thus separation myself form the experience of taking it personally and deeming it as "bad" / "wrong", not realizing that only through allowing myself to be one with that which I am, will I be able to walk a process of self introspection, self investigation, taking self responsibility into self change, into true self acceptance - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by not allowing myself to admit even to myself that I am taking it personally, I am robbing myself the opportunity to self investigate in self honesty why I am taking it personally, as the first step in the path for self change as to eventually not take such things personally as I will know who I am and will not be moved by such mockery.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by allowing myself to be named in diminishing nick names in order to be accepted, I am diminishing myself - as I am compromising myself as equal within the desire to be accepted at any cost, and thus I place myself as less than the group in order to experience myself fitting in within the idea that standing up for myself will not be accepted by them, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief / notion, that to be accepted into a group I must first stand in humbleness, but I have defined humbleness as weakness / inferior, and thus believed that I must stand in inferiority in order to be accepted, as to not threaten anyone, as to not be intimidating, and within this I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that by doing so I am not allowing myself to express myself and thus whether they accept me or not, it isn't me that they are accepting but rather a character I have created as myself, an illusion of myself, and thus I am placing myself in a position, that I must maintain my deceptive character in order to maintain the relationship that has been based on my own deception, yet I cherish it in the desire to be accepted at any cost.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify using abusive nick names as being a joke, even though I know that the starting point of such names is abusive, and thus not acceptable, I realize that I have used nick names towards others from a starting point of diminishing them, and have justified them to myself as being innocent, while in fact it was not, it is an expression of evil and must be stopped, from both my participation as the giver of the nick name and the receiver - such silent and seemingly innocent abuse must be directed and stopped, as it is unacceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen as easy going and cool, thus, within existing as and maintaining this personality I have not allowed myself to stand up and expose this hidden abuse that is existent within and as such nick names -not standing up in self interest of not wanting to ruin the image of being easy going and cool, within believing that only through presenting myself as this personality will I be accepted, within a belief that once accepted by the group I will be safe from being called names any more, as I will be one of them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept shit thrown my way, whether it is done deliberately or not, within wanting to maintain an easy going / cool image, within hiding the fact that I am taking it personally and would like it to stop - within this, I realize that it is my responsibility to investigate any reaction I have towards a name or a behavior towards me, but I also have a responsibility to support myself and others by standing as the voice of reason / common sense and showing that what we are busy with is abusive and uncalled for, and simply evil - and thus must stop as I will not allow myself to participate in the structure of being deliberately evil and cruel towards each other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in activities that I do not stand with / as in self honesty, such as giving / receiving abusive nicknames, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by participating within an activity that I do not stand with / as in self honesty I am compromising myself within accepting and allowing back chat as self doubt to come up within me, questioning the decision to participate, not realizing that a self honest decision was never made, because it was made in self interest and fear - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in and accept activities I do not stand with / as in self honest from the starting point of fear of losing the acceptance of others and fear of missing out on the fun, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in activities due to fear and not based on my self honest evaluation of the activity within deciding whether I stand by / with it or not, thus allowing myself to be directed and motivated by fear instead of principle, compromising myself and others from the perspective of allowing myself to exist in a way that cannot be trusted, as I can be manipulated / persuaded to do anything that is not aligned with common sense, as the principle of what is best for all life. Within this I realize that any activity I participate within, I am equal to, and thus I must push myself to stop following the mind's temptation as motivation of fear / desire, but instead to walk in alignment to the principle of equality, to participate in that which is aligned in common sense as what is best for all life, and not participate in that which I will stand in shame knowing that I have done so within a starting point of self interest / fear / desire, and not of principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories of being bullied and use such memories to exist in blame towards those who bullied me, not seeing my part / responsibility of the situation as I have allowed it within wanting to seem cool, or simply within fear of standing up for myself, or within an acceptance of being bullied - within all points I am equally responsible for accepting and allowing such bullying to take place, towards myself and towards others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories of me bullying others, and use such memories to exist in guilt and shame, instead of realizing that guilt and shame do not change me and will not prevent me from doing it again if not directed through self investigation by writing and self forgiveness to get to the understanding of why I have been as I was and thus through understanding to walk a process of self correction - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by existing in guilt / shame as a self inflicted punishment within self judgment I am bullying myself and thus still giving my allowance and participation of the construct of bullying .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to memories of either being bullied or bullying others, within allowing myself to exist in an energetic experience of blame / self victimization or guilt / shame - both sides of the same polarity created through my participation within and as the construct of bullying, not realizing that the first / basic point is self bullying which I am accepting and allowing through self judgment instead of applying practical application and self change - holding onto the memory instead of changing myself to live as principle of equality as what is best for all life, and thus make sure that I will never again accept any bullying towards others or myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of participating in an activity within a starting point of fear / desire and not of principle, thus allowing myself to, within awareness, participate in an activity that I do not stand one and equal with, yet through my participation I am standing one and equal with, and thus exist within inner conflict / friction - creating a situation for myself that as a platform for back chat and self judgment as self sabotage, instead of stopping myself within breath from participating and being directed by fear / desire, and pushing myself to stand by / as the principle of equality for life, within realizing that only when / as I stand by / as this principle will I build myself as self trust, self honor and self respect - any thing else that is not aligned within self honesty will inevitably lead to self judgment / guilt / shame, which then will lead to a life of suffering and justification to ease my mind as I manipulate myself to forget / hide the actuality of my actions, and thus separate myself from myself further and further, to the point of not knowing myself, and only exist as justification instead of self honesty, in equality and oneness within and as myself as who I am as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the pattern of accepting abuse within the desire of being accepted, and thus on the other hand, fear of being rejected, not realizing that I am abusing myself within allowing others to abuse me, and I am within that standing as an example that self abuse is accepted and allowed, as I am one with and equal to it within my acceptance and participations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as the pattern of not standing up for myself within the desire to seem cool, and thus, within fear of seeming like I am taking things too personally, within this I am depriving myself the opportunity to walk my process in self honesty, as at the moment I am taking the abuse / words towards me personally.