My journey to life: Day 184 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated”

I find that I struggle with the “action” portion of the equation, where I see in a moment what I must do, but I don’t do it, or I see what I must stop doing, but I continue – this is done by me in full awareness, and even though I can see myself applying myself in contradiction with my expressed direction and decision, I still go ahead and contradict myself, place myself in inner conflict – I realize that allowing myself to make a directive decision in awareness in alignment to a principle that I am standing as, to then defy myself and act in contradiction to myself, is self destructive, as it sabotages my self trust in myself – how can I trust myself if I say one thing and then act in contradiction?

I realize that over time I have participated in this pattern over and over, and believe it to be stronger than me – but within this I know in self honesty, that it is not the pattern that is stronger than me, because it is I that give the pattern it’s strength through my participation, it is not to blame the pattern in separation of myself, but rather to realize that it is I that is sabotaging myself, it is I that am separated from / as myself, and so I must ask myself why would I do that? What is hidden here, what is the cause and reason for me to lie to myself as making statements that I do not intend to stand as, or intend to momentarily, but then in full awareness act otherwise?...

What keeps coming up is a point of laziness and comfortability, where I make an aware directive decision but when the time comes to act on it, I retreat to my comfort zone, and am not willing to walk the physicality of the decision, am not willing to put the physical effort, to walk through the physical resistance – is it really laziness that has been directing me?

Looking at it now, it seems like pure elitist behaviour, a behaviour of a spoilt brat that is not willing to lift a finger – I’m ashamed to see myself as such a person, but more than that, I’m ashamed that even with seeing myself as a spoilt brat, I haven’t yet been able to stop and change myself – is this the person I am doomed to be? Or am I going to find it in myself to change myself?

I obviously want to change and stop participating in the “spoilt brat” character, but at the same time I don’t, because the spoilt brat protects me from doing what I don’t want to do, but what I’ve been hiding from myself is the long term effects of the spoilt brat character, which is to never actually get / be / achieve what I really want, beyond the momentary short term satisfaction.

The spoilt brat character’s main back chat is “I don’t feel like it”, “but, I don’t want to”, “it’s too hard”, “I’ll do it later”, “maybe someone else can do it”, “me? No way, why me, I shouldn’t be the one doing this, it’s not fair”, “I don’t have time”, “I’m busy with other stuff” – the list of excuses and justification is endless – but that is all they are, excuses and justifications, they haven’t got any real substance as an actual valid reason why not to do that which I have made a directive decision to do – yet, even though they are empty excuses – why do I fall for it every time? And more importantly, how can I support myself to stop falling in the spoilt brat’s trap?

How can I dedicate myself to myself as life, how can I commit myself to follow my directive decisions and not my self interest characters as the “spoilt brat”?

I realize that the spoilt brat character is based on energy, as it is directed by the energetic experience of “I don’t feel like it”, and so when and as I experience the “I don’t feel like it” energy coming up, I stop myself and breathe, I realize I am faced with a choice in that very moment – am I going to follow the energy in self interest and become the “spoilt brat” character, or am I going to stand as self directive principle and direct myself in breath as what is best for all, within common sense?

I realize that each time I give in to the “spoilt brat” character it becomes stronger as I become weaker, and every time I stand up within myself and stop myself form participating and becoming the “spoilt brat” character I empower myself, and so, within this I realize that it will be a long process of accumulation, as I have accumulated myself as the “spoilt brat” and now it’s up to me to accumulate myself as life, as standing up in self direction and not follow the path of energy, not follow the self interest as satisfying the momentary desire but rather to satisfy myself as life and walk the directive decision I have made in awareness and allowing myself to be the living example of the principle that I stand as. Wouldn’t that be much more satisfying in the long run?

When and as the “spoilt brat” character comes up within me, as the energetic experience of “I don’t feel like it”, I stop myself and breathe, and I commit myself to do just one more thing, as small as it may be, but to do it in my totality, as a self directive doing, and then once I’m done with this one thing, I breathe and ask myself if I can push myself to do just one more thing, whether it be writing another statement / paragraph / forgiveness, or walking a few more steps towards the completion of another task, and I continue one breath at a time, one more task at a time, where each little task is one point of pushing through the resistance as self sabotage as the “spoilt brat” character, and thus, each little task that I do and do not allow the character to direct me is a small victory for self, a small stand, and so I accumulate myself as self stand, one little point at a time.

Within this, I commit myself to when applying this self correction, as walking just one more task, to do so in breath, and not within “getting it over with” experience, as I realize that would be self manipulation and not actually being here as self support, and so, if I see myself doing a task within a “let’s get it over with” experience, I stop myself and breathe, I slow myself down in breath, I bring myself back here to my physical body, I remind myself that I am here, doing this, and I will have no regrets if I allow myself to actually be here in my totality and complete what I am doing within self integrity, as actually being here and not in my mind in spitefulness towards the situation and towards myself for not satisfying my desire of “but I don’t feel like doing it” and so, when I see myself going into self spitefulness, I stop myself and breathe, I shake myself up and return here to my physical body, and slow myself down to apply myself in the physical action within breathing, allowing myself to be here with my movements, with my breath, and do not allow back chat to infiltrate my experience in the moment.

I commit myself to ask myself direct questions when and as I see myself not standing as my decision, as not acting in alignment with my directive decision, and so, when and as I see myself contradicting myself, I stop myself and breathe, I ask myself why am I sabotaging myself, and I don’t move / participate with anything until I give myself a clear answer in self honesty, and so, I commit myself to push myself to not let myself off the hook, so to speak, and to actually investigate / interrogate myself within the self honest intention of understanding why, at this very moment, I am prepared to sabotage myself through acting in contradiction to my directive decision. And within this, I commit myself to walk myself hand in hand, back here, into alignment with my directive decision, aligned with common sense, aligned with self support, I commit myself to be gentle with myself yet firm and directive, I commit myself to parent myself into self alignment, and treat myself as an innocent child with compassion and care, yet to be strict with myself and push for self discipline.

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