My journey to life: Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to

this is a continuation of my previous blog:

a must hear - Why do we not access our full potential? Why do we hold ourselves back?:

Accessing your Full Potential (Part 1) - Reptilian Series – 177

Accessing your Full Potential (Part 2) - Reptilian Series – 178

in the past few days i have been walking in writing the point of the experience of overwhelming resistance that has been coming up within me - i have been giving my power away to the resistance to take over me, i have been entertaining the resistance as i try to resist it and push through, but i end up giving up and allowing myself to be directed by it - and so each time i end up giving up - the resistance grows stronger, like bacteria that learns to be tolerant to antibiotics - each time i i don't push through, but just "give it a shot" only to then give up - the next time around the resistance is stronger and i am weaker...

a specific point i have been resisting is the writing of commitments statements, because i already saw that i am not actually applying myself, and so i didn't want to place in writing that which i already knew i will not stand as - and so, what i found here is that i have been writing corrective statements that are too "airy fairy" and not down to earth, and also not correlated to where i actually am within my process, like i would write commitments that i simply cannot stand as, setting myself up for failure - anyway, from airy fairy commitment i went to no commitments because i couldn't stand anymore writing them and knowing within myself that there is no chance of application, so now i am walking the process of stopping the resistance and pushing through as well as placing common sense and practical commitments that i can walk, that are grounded as to where i am in my process

i realize there was, and still is, self judgment towards "where i am in process" so this is another point to let go and not allow it to sabotage me - i guess i am learning to see the difference between the judgment that is me showing myself that i am being self dishonest and i better get my act together or i will live a life of shame, guilt and regret, and thus, i can use the self judgment as a tool, as an indication of where i must correct myself, so i can grow and expand and learn from it - and then there is the self judgment that it's only purpose is self punishment, self abuse, self diminishment, self sabotage - all within comparison to others, or to ideals i have created, whereas this self judgment is not valid as it is not supportive in anyway, and thus must be stopped.

so, here is some of my writing - i'll post it in sections as i continue walking / writing it out. i started with writing some points out for myself about wanting to change and walk this process but not wanting at the same time, and as i was writing about it all the reactions and resistances came up, so i had a cool opportunity to write about my experience in the moment, writing the resistance as the resistance was in my face. then i broke it down and added self forgiveness, and now i am writing for each self forgiveness statement a corrective statement, though in some cases more points open up...

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by what I "feel" like doing rather than directing myself according to principle as a directive decision

When and as I see myself going into the experience of "I feel like / I don't feel like" I stop myself and breathe, I realize I cannot trust myself within following what I feel / don't fee like because it is not within considering the actual reality, not considering myself and my best interest as life, and thus not considering what is best for all as life - I realize that within following what I feel / don't fee like I am compromising myself because it always leads to a path that is not self supportive in all ways, a path that is in some way self abusing and compromising / disregarding others, as it's an attempt of self interest, though it is only short term self interest, and so, I realize that by following what I feel / don't feel like, instead of following the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all life, and directing myself within self honesty, I am existing as the problem in this world and in my life, instead of standing as the solution, as a living example of how, if we all stop existing / following what we feel / don't feel like, and instead consider the physical reality, consider each other, and follow a principle that direct us to self support and support others as ourselves equally, to bring about a world that is best for all life, and exist as self honor, self respect instead of shame and regret.

Thus, I commit myself to, when I see myself going into the experience of wanting to do what I feel / don't feel like, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical as my physical body within breathing, and I ask myself what would be more beneficial in the long run, what course of action would make me experience regret, what is aligned in self honesty / self responsibility and what is in self interest - and within considering all these points, I remind myself that I am worth walking through some resistance for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled and directed by what I feel like or don't feel like doing, not realizing that I am allowing myself to be directed by the mind in self interest, as the interest of the mind, as I have realized and seen that when I follow my "what I feel like or don't feel like" it is never actually in my own self benefit as self support, it is always a short lived satisfaction followed by consequences of regret, guilt and shame, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my "feel like it and don't feel like it" instead of living within and as principle as the director of myself, within making a clear decision as to who I want to be and commit myself to myself, rather than allowing myself to follow blindly my mind, into self sabotage

when and as I see myself going into the experience / character of wanting to do only what I feel / don't feel like, I stop myself and breathe, I take a moment to look at the outflow / consequences of my actions (or lack of actions in the case of "I don't feel like), I ask myself in self honesty if this course of action will lead to shame, guilt and regret, and if the answer is yet, I commit myself to find another course of action that is aligned with who I am in self honesty, a course of action that is self empowering, self supportive and that is not harmful or abusive towards myself or others in any way. I realize that it will be hard at first, but the more I empower myself in not following what I feel / don't feel like, it will become easier, as I will become the directive principle of myself, as not following a random experience / thought / desire, but follow myself as who I really am, as walking a course of action that is actually in my best interest, and not in the interest of the mind as short term satisfactions generating energy and followed by the polarity of shame, guilt and regret.

Within this, I commit myself to "go easy" on myself, as to walk at my own pace, no expectations based on comparing myself to an ideal, but to actually walk in self honesty, and each day push more, but not push more than I can from a starting point of self judgment - and so, I commit myself to walk this process within gently embracing myself, as nurturing a struggling plant until it is standing stable as a strong tree

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk this process within the starting point of self, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to truly walk it for myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk it within the experience that I am being watched / judged and thus within fear of judgment, within fear of "what others will think about me" I allow myself to be motivated only when I know that someone will see if I don't do it, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing others in situations where I believe they would judge me or see me for my weakness, such as within my giving up, not realizing that it's not them that I need to explain myself to, it's myself, and they are only reflecting to me, as I am projecting on them, my own expectations, judgments and disappointments of and as myself.

*** this is a hard one for me- lots of resistance - back chat "how can I change from walking this for others to walking it for myself? How do I find that point of doing it for myself?"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the back chat as "how can I change from walking this for others to walking it for myself? How do I find that point of doing it for myself?" as the truth of me, and to believe that changing my starting point is something I don't know how to do, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect there to be a big and dramatic "doing" when it is actually a simple/small/delicate change in intention, there isn’t a doing besides making the decision within self and living it as self expression, it's a point of awareness, of intention, and so, the idea that I don't know how to do this cannot be real, because if I have it within myself to see the point as a problem / question, I must have it within me as directing my awareness as a solution

and so, when and as I see myself going into the experience character of walking this process / my life from any starting point other than for myself as myself as self support, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here in breath to my physical body, I realign myself and check / ask myself why am I doing / about to do / not doing , what is my starting point, is it fear / desire / pleasing another / expectation, within this I commit myself to, as I stop and take a moment within breath to investigate myself here, to direct myself according to what I would do as self support, what would I do if I were the person that I want to become, as a self responsible self respectful being that supports oneself and all life equally as one - what would I do then?

I realize that any fear of judgment is reflecting my own self judgment, and thus, I can use the self judgment that comes up as an experience of being judged / watched, as a supportive tool within my process, as to allow myself to see what am I judging and within self honesty to make a clear decision whether this is a valid point as showing myself that I need to step up my application or it is not a valid point as it is within comparison and self diminishment - and so, when and as I see myself going into fear of judgment from others, I stop and breathe, I realize I am facing an opportunity of seeing myself as I am reflected within this judgment, and thus I stop and take a moment to look at the point in clarity and within breath, and allow myself to decide / chose a new course of action that will support me and will be aligned with the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all life

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk my process within a starting point of self, as self support, as realizing that this is how I can give myself back to myself and rebirth myself as self honor / respect within taking self responsibility for / as myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of walking this process for and as myself I have been walking it in projecting my own self judgment onto others and fear that judgment, and thus walk within the attempt to avoided receiving this judgment from others, and thus only do that which others may see and judge, while not do that which is truly for myself, even though I see, and I know that I have not walked the point, yet I have created myself in separation of myself to a point where I do not see that it is me that I am walking for, and thus disregard my seeing of self, and only allow myself to be motivated / moved by others seeing me

I realize that any point within me is pointing out a relationship I am holding within myself, and am restricting / limiting myself within this relationship, as I exist in relation to the point, in separation of/from it - I realize that within walking my process in an attempt to avoid any judgment from others what I am showing myself is that I am not ready / willing to face my own self judgment, and I am actually hiding from it, from myself, and so, in a process to becoming one with myself, I must use all of myself that is here in order to see / face / know myself, and so, when and as I see myself doing anything within a starting point of what will others think of me, I stop myself and breathe, I ask myself within breath in self honesty, if I can do this within the starting point of self support as what is best for all life then I will go ahead and do it, and if there is no point of self support and it is only "for others" then I stop my participation - and so, I use the initial point of projected self judgment as a tool of self support, as to investigate what I am doing and participating within, and deliberately in awareness changing my starting point to be for / of / as self.

I realize I have been existing in an idea that this stuff should happen magically, I didn't consider myself as being directive, I didn't understand what it means, and now I see that it is a point of being here with myself, having my awareness here with myself as the physical, and so by asking myself questions I am bringing my awareness back here as the first step in making a directive decision and living it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of resistance due to reading an email with a suggestion for an assignment

I realize that when my relationship towards something changes due to reading an email it is not me directing myself in awareness but am allowing myself to be directed / controlled by the mind in energy, and so, as it is of the mind and not a physical fact / reality, I have the choice of participation, and so, I realize that such points are a point of transformation, as only by walking through the resistance of the mind will I claim my power back, and so it must be done - when and as I see clearly that my actions / experience is suddenly changed I know it is a mind reaction and thus I breathe and direct myself to continue with what I had planed / decided upon prior to the mind possession, and so, I either take a break to write and breathe and clear myself form the possession, or I simply push through in that moment - thus, when I see myself reacting, as changing my entire experience towards the situation / a point, I know I am not self directive but am allowing myself to be manipulated by the deceptions / self interest of the mind, and so I stop and breathe, focus on my breath, and direct myself to return here to myself as my physical body, as this is the highest priority - returning to myself in breath and stopping the back chat that is fueling the mind / energy - and so I stop and breathe and don't participate in back chat, I return here to my body in breath and breathe until I am stable to make a directive decision as to where / how to continue.

I have found that I always know that I am running away, as I am running away, and so the problem isn't noticing what I'm doing, the problem is to actually take the moment and breathe, and be strong enough to change the direction of my actions, and this strength comes from self care which will be built the more I care about myself - it's a loop the feeds itself - the more I care about myself and act in self support the more I will actually care and the more strength I will have for the next time,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to walk this process as to understand this point of why / how I am allowing myself to be directed by resistance, and yet not be willing to actually walk it, as, not be willing to take the time and walk the practical physical steps that it takes to accomplish the task, and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize the practical physical steps required to actually walk the point, and thus I allow myself to "oh, I want to do this" without taking into consideration and actually accepting the practical physical steps that are required to be walked, and so, when the steps are here for me to walk, as to sit and do the writing, and face myself, and breathe, and slow down, and open up… I resist it, because it isn't what I had signed up for, because I was living in an idea, as an illusion, of wanting things and hoping that just through wanting they will manifest magically, and thus not be ready to actually walk the point into creation.

I realize that anything that is to be walked in the physical will have to be walked through a process in space time, and thus, nothing will be immediate as magic, which is a cool indication as to recognize what is real and what is of the mind, for what is real will take time as a physical process, whereas within the mind I can go from happy to sad without any process just by being triggered in a moment - and so, when and as I see myself or my relationship to the situation or another being change in a moment, I stop myself and breathe, I realize it is a mind trick and is not real as a physical change, it cannot be trusted and thus I mustn't participate with it as an act of self integrity, and on the other hand, when I see a point requires time, effort and attention within a physical real time/space reality process, I may investigate if this is a point worth walking, because it has "past the test" of realness as it is aligned with physicality as a process that actually takes time and effort - when and as I am faced with walking a point that requires time, effort, dedication I realize this is something real and as such, deserves my investigation of whether to participate or not, and if I decide to participate it is within realizing that anything worth doing will take time, effort, dedication, as that is how the physical moves

*** this point is hard for me - unclear - resistance!!!!!!! I am totally restless!!!!
I am breathing, did a handstand -now I continue

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself be directed and distracted by this background noise of resistance as discomfort, instead of directing myself within force and not stopping until I push this resistance away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing any excuse to be valid as a justification to take a break and stop, not realizing that every time I give in to excuses / distractions / justifications I am setting the bar higher, and next time I will have to walk through a greater excuse / justification, as this will not end until I end it - and so I realize if I want to stop dancing this dance with resistance, I must stop playing it hard to get and actually stating a clear and steady NO. (lol, I like the analogy)

I realize as long as I don't stop and direct myself it will only get harder and harder, I realize it will be hard and painful and thus to support myself in pain and discomfort I have breath, and so when and as I experience pain and discomfort I within breath see if I am resisting something of what I am doing or intending to do, and if I see there is a point of resistance, and that my physical body is expressing this resistance for me to see, I push myself to continue in breath, despite the discomfort, as I have directed myself to do so, and then once I am done or satisfied I am done for the moment, then I investigate the point of resistance. Or, if the discomfort is overwhelming, I stop what I'm doing and investigate the resistance as the expression of discomfort / pain in that very moment, as to find the source / reason and clear myself form it so that I can continue.

Now, lets see if I can do this now - my legs are giving me great discomfort - this is the main excuse coming up within me as to not continue writing - the last statement I was working with was in regards to actually physically doing what needs to be done in the physical, as for instance sitting by the computer for hours and actually being focused and effective, it's a point of grounding myself, as not to stay in the fantasy of desire / good idea, but actually come down to earth and do what it physically takes to get this point done in reality, it's a slowing down and coming down from the cloud, it's a point of laziness - so, it's a combination of not wanting to let go the fun of getting excited about ideas as well as not wanting to let go the laziness as an excuse to not manifest these ideas, as I want to manifest them but do not want to commit myself for the effort - so the resistance is not wanting to let this go - do I enjoy this construct? No I don't! why not? Because I end up doing nothing, I am a bitch to my resistance, so I am a dreamer and not a doer, always wanting and having ideas that I can't create because I have never allowed myself to physically build the bridge.

This point has been a major issue for me, I always lived within a self definition that I lack the ability / intelligence / skill to build the bridge that will bring me from the idea to the manifestation of it. And now I see that this construct that I have accepted as myself even though it has brought me much suffering and frustration, I do not want to let go of - who will I be if I am capable of building this bridge? Why am I terrified of the idea of not existing in these limitations, why do I feel like these limitations protect me in any way - like there is something scary of being a success, being capable - it's like there is an inner knowing that if I let this down I will have no excuse and will be able to do anything - and this thought freaks me out.

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