Saturday, March 16, 2013

Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?

this is a continuation of my previous blog:
Day 173 – Still not good enough


A must hear:

  • The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination – Where does Self-Judgment come from? - Part 11
  • Where does Self-Judgment come from – from the World around us, or from our own Imaginations?

  • The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Omnipresence of Self Judgment - Part 12
  • Has your Self Image negatively influenced your life? Here we discuss How Self Judgment takes over every aspect of your Life, Thoughts and experiences.

  • The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Self Judgment: Waging a War against yourself - Part 13
  • Why would we say things to ourselves that we would never dare to say to another?

  • The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Self Judgment as Punishment - Part 14
  • Why do we feel like we deserve to be punished through our own self judgment and how does the media contribute to this feeling?


    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use "I'm not good enough" or "I am inadequate" to avoid putting in the effort and doing the necessary work that needs to be done


    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within an idea that I am not capable and believe this idea to be the truth of me, instead of realizing that I am using this idea as an excuse to get out of my responsibilities, and thus, I prefer to see myself as inadequate, as powerless, rather than admitting that I am deliberately not taking the responsibility that is mine to take, within living and existing within / as self interest as only doing that which I please at the moment and not considering anything and anyone beyond the reach of my momentary satisfaction / enjoyment


    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer seeing myself as inadequate rather than admitting that I just don't care - don't care enough about myself to push myself, to motivate myself, and to direct myself to be all that I can be, so instead I have created myself within the belief that I simply cannot, that I am not good enough, that I cannot expand, learn and prefect myself, that I cannot free myself from the limitations of the mind - as I'd rather believe I cannot than admit that I simply won't - and thus, in time I have forgotten this self manipulation and actually believe that I cannot, and from this point on I can pretend that I care, that I want to change, that I want to expand and free myself from the mind's limitations, that I want to direct myself in self honesty as what is best for all in equality and oneness - but I simply cannot - thus, completing the enslavement, the entrapment of the mind - giving in to this endless spiral of accepted limitation, instead of standing up within this realization and not allowing this to go on, within seeing and realizing the self abuse that I am inflicting upon myself, and the deliberate disregard of what is going on within me and around me to continue within this self created game - just to get out of pushing, putting in the effort, working hard towards actually changing myself and living as an example of that which I want to believe that I care about.


    I realize that believing that I care for equality and oneness as what is best for all is empty words, is a lie each time it is spoken, as long as I don't back it up with physical actions, with actual physical doing - thus, I realize that as long as I don't stop myself from participating in this pattern of self defeat, as long as I continue entertaining my mind within believing myself to be inadequate, as long as I don't push myself with all the force I have within me, to change, to walk, to write, to live, I cannot speak of what is best for all in equality and oneness, as I am not even living it as myself, I am not even pushing nor trying to live it as myself - thus, existing within inner conflict as the manifestation of separation, the opposite of that which I claim I am walking towards as equality and oneness


    I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as this inner conflict where on the one hand I see the common sense in walking the principle of equality and oneness, I see the common sense in creating a system that is best for all, I see how I have been enslaved to the mind in limitation and fear, I see all this and want to put an end to it, and on the other hand, instead of standing up within myself, and pushing myself in the physical reality to actually get myself sorted out, I simply don't, I don't within the justification as a belief that I am inadequate, a belief of self doubt, of fear, while all these accepted beliefs are actually hiding my reluctance of getting my hands dirty, of doing some hard physical labor, as writing, as facing myself, as walking through the resistance breath by breath in seeing all that I have become, as doing what needs to be done to change myself, to correct myself, to move myself to become that which I want to become, and thus I hide from myself the actuality of myself as not caring enough about myself to actually push myself to do that which is in self honesty, in my best interest to do, and instead I do that which is actually self harming and abusive as allowing myself to diminish myself in self deception, as I exist in the belief of inadequacy while seeing my goals of bettering myself fade away.


    I realize that only I can make the decision to change myself


    I realize that only I can push myself to change myself


    I realize that only I can change myself


    I realize that once I allow myself to participate in my mind as thoughts / back chat it is already "too late" as I am already in the process of giving up, and thus, I realize that I must stop myself before it's "too late"


    Within this, I realize that every moment is a new moment and thus, even though I have allowed it to be "too late" many times before, in each new moment I have the opportunity to stop myself and support myself in writing, self forgiveness, as practical application, every moment I can make the decision to stop participating in the deceptive self belief that I cannot, within realizing that in order to care about myself I must act in correlation of self care - "fake it until you make it" sort of thing, because I know within myself that I do care about myself yet I have programmed myself in such separation that I have lost contact with this self care, self love, self nurturing, self acceptance, and thus, I realize that as part of changing myself in the physical reality, I must ask myself "what would I do in this moment to support myself in practice of self care?" and to act on the self honest answer that I find within myself


    I realize at first it will seem like I'm not aligned with myself, but it's true, I am not aligned with myself, how can I be if I have been abusing myself in self judgment and self belittlement for years


    When and as I see myself drifting in thoughts of resistance, I stop myself and breathe, I realize I am standing at a point of decision and I ask myself what would I do if I were to care for myself enough to support myself, in order to give myself direction - and I follow my own direction.


    When and as I see myself deliberately sabotaging myself as not doing that which would be most beneficial and supportive for me to do, I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that I am here, I am my only existence, and if I don't care for myself and won't support myself no one will, I remind myself that all the love that I seek, and all the approval that I look for in others exist within myself if I only allow myself to give myself self care, self love, if I only allow myself to support myself.


    I commit myself to be gentle with myself, to nurture myself into health so to speak, as up until now I have not been self supportive, I have been neglecting myself, I have been abusing myself - I commit myself to establish self care through writing and exposing myself to myself, as to, within and through the guilt and shame of not caring for myself, find my way back to myself as self care, self support and self love.


    I commit myself, within realizing that equality and oneness must start with self first, that as long as I am not one and equal within and as myself, whereas self sabotage / abuse stems from separation and exists as inequality - I cannot expect to see equality and oneness anywhere externally - and thus I realize that I must live as an example that equality and oneness as what is best for all life is possible, because only through living the principle for and as myself can I be truly confidant that this change is possible, and as long as I don't live it as myself it exist only as an idea / belief, thus, to make it a reality, to birth life into equality and oneness I must live it as myself - this is my responsibility.


    when and as i see myself going into the energetic experience of wanting to quite / give up within an experience of overwhelmingness where thoughts of inadequacy come up, i stop myself and breathe and direct myself to write at least one statement of self forgiveness as to support myself to get out of the funk, to return to myself here as the physical in writing, and to from there push myself to stand, to do something that is of self support, whether physical movement such as stretches, or writing, or simply sitting down and doing that which i have been avoiding – either way – whenever i see myself going into the state of resistance as self doubt / diminishment – i commit myself to do within breath, at least one physical action of self support and from there to push myself further, one breath at a time


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