Sunday, March 10, 2013
for context please read my previous blogs:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making decisions with accepting and allowing myself to exist as self doubt, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer that others make decisions for me
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to make my own decisions, and thus, exist within an accepted experience that I don't know what to do / decide and that I am helpless in face of the decision needed to be made
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I do in fact know what I want to / should do, but I have hidden this from myself in self separation within accepting and allowing myself to exist as self judgment, and thus, instead of allowing myself to see in self honesty what it is that I want to / should do, I hide myself from myself and turn to others to help / assist me make my decision, within a hope that they will approve / validate that which I wanted to do to begin with, thus showing myself that I do in fact know within myself what it is that I want to do / decide, yet I will not allow myself to admit to it and stand by it as myself, in fear of failure / judgment
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand by / as that which I want to do / decide, and instead I turn to others to ask for their help / assistance in making a decision, and so, within the desire / expectation that they will approve / validate that which I wanted to do but wouldn't admit that I know what it is that I want, I will react to their assistance / advice as if they validate me I will experience a relief, as a positive experience, within reaching a hidden agreement between that which they say and that which I knew I wanted all along, and on the other hand, if they give me advice that invalidates / contradicts that which I wanted to do / decide but would admit to myself, I will react in irritation / anger as I experience myself now more confused and more self doubting, within this I realize that both scenarios are within a starting point of self sabotage, because I actually know what it is that I want to / should do, but will not admit to myself, and thus exist in accepted and deliberate separation of / from myself, and within that expect / desire for others to validate me so that through their validation I can believe in myself, gain self confidence and make the decision - but within this I am enhancing the pattern of self doubt, creating a dependency on what others say / think, and creating friction and conflict when they are not aligned with what I want to or believe I should do.
I see here 3 problems -
1. I do not trust myself and rather trust the opinion / judgment / perspective of others - participating within this construct / pattern will in time greaten the self doubt and will make it harder and harder for me to stand up within myself and trust myself to make decisions.
2. when I ask for help / assistance, if I am validated, I am giving away the opportunity of questioning my decision, as I blindly accept their advice due to it being aligned with my initial want / desire / opinion, and so within being validated I experience a positive energetic experience and allow myself to stop the investigation of considering all options and looking at the bigger picture - thus, instead of taking responsibility for my decision I place the responsibility on the fact that it has been agreed upon, even without discussion - within this I see that there is a possibility to present the problem / decision in such a way to manipulate others into saying that which I want to hear - and so, this whole scenario is problematic and cannot be trusted.
3. when I ask for help / assistance and my initial want is not validated, I react, I go into a negative energetic experience as my self doubt is enhanced, I may lash out at the being for not supporting my hidden desire as I have been secretive about it due to not admitting to myself that I do in fact know what I want to / should do, and so, within reaction I will either let go my initial decision without further investigation, or I will hold onto it in spite - either way I am acting within reaction to the experience of being rejected / invalidated.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask for assistance in making a decision, within a starting point of manipulation and deceit, where I do not expose what I had come to within myself and thus am asking from a starting point of seeking validation and confirmation, instead of asking for assistance within sharing all that I had come to and asking for further perspective in order to get clarity of the point, as to maybe there are aspects I didn't take into consideration, this way I am not asking the other to decide for me but rather asking for assistance in considering all points in order to come to a clear decision on my own, for and as myself
Within this I realize that when I ask for assistance / advice I must first come to realize and understand what it is that I want or believe I should do, and within that clarity ask for assistance while exposing that which I see as to prevent my participating with manipulation, and this way, within hearing what the other has to say I can be more clear about any resistance that may come up and thus address it effectively, as a pose to hiding that which I see within myself and go into an argument with the other for not validating me, while they are in the dark so to speak, as I ask them for advice and now I am attacking them for not giving me what I wanted to hear. And thus abusing their assistance.
When and as I ask for advice / assistance / help in coming to a decision, I commit myself to first lay out all the points for myself and to allow myself to admit to that which I see should be my decision, then as I ask for assistance I share all that I see with the other so that they can have a clear perspective of what I am walking so that they can share more considerations that I may have missed - within this, when and as I see myself going into reaction as to what is being said, I stop myself and breathe, I investigate the point of reaction as I realize it indicates a point I am been hiding from myself as avoiding facing the point, thus, I look at the point in self honesty and forgive myself for the resistance / reaction from a starting point of clearing the point up in order to be able to see clearly and reconsider my decision now with the new consideration placed due to the assistance from the other
When and as I ask for assistance and receive the confirmation I was seeking, I push myself, through the assistance of the other, to play the devils advocate, as to allow myself to see if there are any points I am still missing, and so to not go into positive experience due to the validation of the other, but to use it as a platform to better understand the situation, as to allow myself to come to a clear and well rounded decision.
Within this I realize that I can do this procedure on my own, through writing, and thus I realize that asking for help in making a decision is but a stepping stone in building self trust, though it is not necessary, as through playing the devils advocate to my own decision making I can within self honesty see all the points, and through the assistance and support of self forgiveness walk through the resistances that I see coming up, allow myself to see the points of desires and fears that are masking the physical actuality of the situation, and come to make the decision on my own and for myself, within self trust.
I see here that I have been leaning on others to help me come to decisions that I am capable of coming to on my own, and I realize that each time I do so I weaken myself and validate the accepted self doubt, and thus sabotaging myself and my stand, instead of taking a moment, and writing the point out, allowing myself to admit to that which I want to or believe I should do, allowing myself to investigate the point in self honesty, to see where do I fear judgment or am directed by perceived expectations, and where am I limiting myself in fear or desire - here I utilize the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all, and check if my decision is in alignment to this principle, thus giving myself an anchor, as a direction, in which if I follow I know I cannot be "wrong", within this realizing that my ability to see what is best for all is as limited as I allow it to be, as limited as I allow myself to be, and thus I realize that this too will be a process of expansion, but in order to walk the process I must start with where I am at, thus to allow myself, in self honesty, to be where I am at, to from here step forward, and in each step build myself up as self trust, stand up within myself, expand as I allow myself to express myself and stand responsible to face the outcomes / consequences of my actions / participations.
I realize that if I am to change, I must allow myself to step out of my comfort zone, and explore new territory so to speak, and within this, allow myself to fall, yet if I fall in awareness I can learn and expand from every fall and through it, stand up stronger within myself.
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