Thursday, January 31, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Day 151 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food – Part 2 - Preparing Wraps
Within opening up the inadequacy character, I've been writing about my cooking day experience - I am now going into the details of that day to investigate it as specifically as I can, in order to understand why and how I manifested such a crappy day for myself. Today I will open up the point of making the chicken for the wraps.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to past experience as preparing farm chicken not to my satisfaction as a point of self belief that I am incapable of preparing farm chicken properly, instead of allowing myself to ask those around me and learn through a process of trial and error how to make farm chicken.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up an energetic experience of fear towards preparing farm chicken based on the past experience of myself as not being capable to do it properly, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself based on past experiences stored within me as memories, and thus allowing myself to be directed by the past as I create more and more self beliefs of inadequacy, instead of taking it into a point of practical self support as seeing what I have done and how it turned out, and exploring new ways of doing it, within realizing that it can be done, and if it can be done I can learn how to do it, I, thus, forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of giving up within believing that I will not be able to pull it off and thus, within this experience allow myself to stress within projecting myself into the future as if I've already failed, thus allowing myself to move through out my day within a heavy energetic experience as I believe I've seen the future of my failure and I have nothing to do about it but walk right in to it - I realize that future projections as seeing myself fail are not supportive or constructive in any way, as they direct me towards walking my day in energy within the self belief of being a failure, instead of allowing myself to explore like an innocent and fearless child, going into it with a sense of playfulness, as finding out what will happen if I do this or that, how will it turn out - not allowing myself to be directed by the fear of being judged as I realize how limiting this fear makes me within my participation with it
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore new ways / recipes / techniques based on fear of not making it to the liking of others, not taking into consideration that if I don't allow myself to explore new ways / recipes I will never expand within the task of cooking, and thus am limiting myself as self expression as trying new things, playing with new way, and exploring new recipes - I realize that when my starting point is based on the result, whether others will approve or not, I am limiting myself and preventing myself from enjoying myself within and as the process of making / doing it, thus, when and as I see myself going into the energetic experience of fear / worry of what others will think of the final product as I am preparing it, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to my physical body and to the physical task at hand, as the practical steps that need to be taken, I don't allow myself to entertain myself in thoughts / back chat / fear of what others will think or say, instead I focus on enjoying myself here, in breath, as I'm cooking, I allow myself to investigate the internet, cook books, recipes, and ask other people in order to expand myself and explore new way of doing it, from a playful starting point rather then a fearful one.
When and as I see myself going into an experience of stress due to fear of what others will think of my meal, I stop myself and breathe, I commit myself to immediately change myself as my starting point into playfulness and allow myself to enjoy myself within the physical actions I am involved with
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to people around me who state they do not like / enjoy eating farm chicken and thus, when I have decided to prepare farm chicken I allowed myself to stress over it within the fear that they will not enjoy it yet again, within the desire to please everyone with my meal, instead of allowing myself to go into it as a clear slate, not concerned about what others will think or how they will judge what I make.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic when I was cooking the chicken and they reacted differently than what I expected them to, as they became harder instead of softer while I was cooking them, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately go into my mind as back chat as blaming myself for even trying to make farm chicken, as using this point as proof and validation for not knowing nor being capable of making farm chicken, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask for help and assistance within an experience of panic, instead of allowing myself to remain stable within myself within / as the situation, and ask for help and assistance to receive practical support as to what I should do with the chicken within a starting point of common sense practicality and not a starting point of energy as panic, I realize that the energetic reaction I have allowed myself to exist within was not supportive nor effective as it blurred my vision and restricted my ability to direct the situation -as I allowed myself to panic instead of simply walking with breath and dealing with whatever comes my way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within a panic as a coping mechanism, as I have created a belief / connection that if I panic I will get people to help me because they will see me as fragile, vulnerable and helpless, and thus I have allowed myself to use panic as a form of manipulation to get what I want, instead of allowing myself to simply ask for help directly and clearly, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust the support of those around me as I believe I must manipulate them into assisting me, instead of being clear and direct and not manipulative and allow them to assist me as they are practically able to rather hen from a point of emotional manipulation, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in deliberate manipulation, in order to get others to assist me instead of walking as self honor and self respect and as such honor and respect others as myself, and not allow myself to try and manipulate them, but rather accept their assistance if granted and respect it either way if they are not able to assist me in that moment - within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to assist and support myself within handling the situation - within this I realize that it is the accepted and allowed fear of failure that I have allowed to limited me by not allowing myself to trust myself enough to walk practically the necessary actions in order to "save the day" on my own if necessary - I realize that within self trust there is no place for panic nor fear, as I realize that I will do what can be done and will accept the result no matter what it is, within knowing that whatever it is I can learn from it and correct myself next time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about if there was going to be enough chicken for everybody, while at the same time was worried that I don't make too much food and have it go to waste, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the polarity of too much / too little food, instead of allowing myself to breathe and calculate practically how much chicken will be eaten, within taking into consideration that one cannot estimate exactly how much people will eat, and thus within realizing that predicting the future being impossible there is no point of stressing over it, but rather simply making a common sense decision according to the number of people that are joining the meal, within accepting that there might be too little or too much - again, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the point of fear of not pleasing everybody to direct me and my experience - I realize that as long as my starting point is to please others I am existing within separation: as I separate myself from "them" as I try to please "them" in fear of "their" judgment, not realizing they are reflecting me back to myself, as it is never about "them" but always about self's relationship to self as a disguised self projection , and as separated from myself, as I'm not considering myself in the very moment as breath, as I'm allowing myself to exist in energy within my mind, as a form of as abusive relationship with myself as I allow myself to go into and participate with energetic experiences as fear, worry and stress that I have not created directly as myself but have been allowing myself to be directed by, instead of supporting myself to stand stable in breath, and walk practically, simply and effectively, as self directive principle of and as myself, and for myself and others as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within realizing there isn't enough chicken to then, instead of making a directive decision to add more chicken, I didn't allow myself to trust myself and asked for someone else to make the decision for me, thus abdicating the responsibility and avoiding the possibility of blaming myself for making a mistake as I can now blame another as they made the decision - within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid making decisions in fear of making mistakes, yet I allow myself to manipulate others into making my decisions so that the blame will not fall on me, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as self trust, within making a directive decision through utilizing common sense and the assistance of others if necessary, and standing by my decision within accepting any outcome / outflow / consequence, I realize that by making decisions one places oneself in a vulnerable position if one exist in fear of making mistakes and fear of criticism / judgment made by others, but at the same time, within making directive decisions, one places oneself in a position of self empowerment, as one knows they are the directive principle, and only through being the directive principle can one calculate and estimate the situation and take full responsibility in correcting whatever needs be corrected for next time, whereas if one is not the directive principle and instead allows others to make the decision, one will never learn to trust oneself, and will never see the point of self responsibility because one was just floating around through other's decisions - I realize making a decision and taking full responsibility is vital as part of a process of self empowerment, self trust, self respect, and within this, reclaiming self's value - I thus, commit myself to build myself up one breath at a time, and push myself to take decisions, as a practical point of self support, as to face myself within making decision, to face myself within receiving criticism, to face myself within making mistakes, and to practice breathing as self support to stand through it all, to assist myself to learn from my mistakes and take them as gifts, as they allow me to explore myself from a new angle
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Yesterday I wrote a blog about my cooking day, which I spent most of it in my mind in worry and stress, today I will dive into the specifics to support myself in seeing the actual minute points I had participated in, to make sure I can stand in breath next time I face such points - i start with the section of the day that i was preparing wraps
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy the flour within a starting point of wanting the flour to be more special than just regular whole wheat flour, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy something without doing the research as to be sure I know what it is that I'm buying, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purchase a product within the starting point of an energetic experience as the desire / excitement of it being special, within this I realize when I approach anything within energy I am paving the way towards consequences, as I have created an energetic attachment towards the product and thus experience myself as if I have something to lose if / when it turns out to be not to my satisfaction, as a pose to purchasing a product within the clear starting point of practicality and thus not opening the door to unnecessary attachment and energy within finding out that the product is not exactly what I had wanted / expected it to be
When and as I purchase any product I make sure to investigate it as to know practically what it is that I am buying, within this I realize that any purchase done within energy, as excitement or desire to be special, is unnecessary and done as self sabotage as it prepares the way towards stress / expectation / disappointment, within this, when and as I see myself making a purchase within energy, I stop myself and breathe, I consider the practical points and make an informed decision within breath as stability and not allowing myself to be directed by energy as excitement and / or desire to be special, thus, I commit myself to consider the practicality of the product, the price, the quality, and not feed in to any desire that might come up within it - when and as I see a desire / excitement come up, I stop myself and breathe, I let go the energetic attachment towards the product and see it as it as within it's simple practicality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, when making the wraps, within discovering that the flour is not what I thought it was and is not as suitable for wraps, to go into an experience of self bullying as was giving myself a hard time for making a mistake and buying the unsuitable flour, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself as a form of self punishment, instead of simply learning from it as to make sure that next time I don't buy something just because it seams more special, but rather do the research and buy something that is suitable for the meal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within making wraps, to go into worst case scenario, as projecting / imagining that the wraps will be a flop because of the wrong flour that I got, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within this experience of anticipating the worst case scenario instead of simply being here in breath and doing what I can do in the moment, here, with what I have, within committing myself to learn for the next time how to improve, correct and prefect myself whether or not my expectations were met or not, regardless of the outcome I can always investigate myself within the point and learn from it - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in a state of expecting the worst instead of walking breath by breath in self trust and facing whatever comes along when it actually comes, I realize future projections and expecting the worst are unnecessary, as I realize that by expecting the worst I am allowing myself to exist in an energetic experience that possesses me as it compounds more and more as long as I participate with it, and then whatever the outcome may be I am depleted and exhausted due to have given myself away to the energy of the mind and thus I feel like crap, instead of remaining stable in breath and facing what comes, when it comes, in self trust, self directiveness and stability within breath.
When and as I realize I have made a mistake, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to go into projections of worst case scenarios, I do not allow myself to blame myself as a form of self punishment as I'm giving myself a hard time for making a mistake, instead I work with what is here and make the best for it within committing myself to learning from my mistake for the next time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stress out because I have given value to the meal I was preparing as I was making it within the energetic desire of wanting to please everyone, I wanted them to enjoy the meal, I wanted to get a "tap on my back" as everyone enjoys what I had made for them, and thus, within this desire I have allowed myself to stress about the meal within fear as "what if something goes wrong" instead of allowing myself to enjoy myself within the process as I prepare the meal and simple walk breath by breath, no energetic expectation / desires, as I realize these desires all present themselves as "I'm a good and caring person" but in fact they are all self interest from the perspective of the desire to please and being seen as good and receiving positive reinforcement, thus, when and as I'm preparing a big meal and see myself going into energy as desire to please and expectations of myself to serve a high standard, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here, I commit myself to simply make the food, breath by breath, to the best of my ability within using and working with what is here, and not allowing myself to fall into energy as I have proven to myself that when going into energy I am depleting myself from my power, I am giving myself away, I am not here in the moment but am busy in my mind in energy as desire / expectation / stress / worry, I realize there is no practical point for doing so, but the contrary, I realize it is self abusing self sabotaging and distracting, along with, as I allow myself to experience myself in this energy all I see is my goal, thus I separate myself from everything and everyone and thus create unnecessary friction and conflict as I move through out my day in energy.
Thus, within preparing a meal for others, when and as I see myself going into energy of pleasing / expectation / worry / stress, as trying to make the meal for "their" enjoinment, I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that the energy is always hidden self interest and never for the best interest of the group nor myself really, and within that I realize that any stress / worry / expectation / desire is showing me that I am in fact preparing myself for a failure within existing I fear and self doubt, experienced as fear of judgment / criticism / failure, and thus, I commit myself to when seeing myself going into fear of judgment / criticism / failure as I am preparing a meal for others within the starting point as expectation and desire to please, I stop myself and breathe, I focus on the physical reality, I focus on my physical body, I focus on the practical steps I must take, I focus on the practicality of my responsibility - in this case to feed every body properly - I realize that the energy I am participating in, as the desire to please others, is not a practical nor necessary part of the equation, and thus should and must be let go of, as to prevent the outflow of such energy as I experienced the other day as stress, worry, inner friction and conflict that cause external friction and conflict. Within this I realize that all the steps I took to prepare the meal could have been done without energy, and I could have actually enjoyed myself through out the day as I prepare this meal, instead of existing in my mind as energy and missing out on all the fun of making dinner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within believing that I had had made a mistake, to judge myself and blame myself for fucking up, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself through tunnel vision, as a very narrow perspective of myself and my actions - I realize that within blaming myself for my mistake I am blinding myself to the practical steps I have been physically taking and thus, not actually seeing me for who I am in my totality through how I am walking this point, but only focus on what I have done wrong, as I magnify it and believe it to be all of myself. I realize self blame is abusive and un just from perspective that it allows me to hate myself instead of support myself in seeing all aspects of myself as what I must maintain and expand on and what of myself must be change and corrected, not as a point of right and wrong as a polarity, but simply allowing myself to see who I really am, to change what must be changed as it is self sabotaging, self abusive and counter productive, and to keep that which is good, effective, practical and supportive - in other words to see myself for who I really am, to give myself credit for where I've been practical and effective.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience resistance towards writing about myself that I have done things in practicality and effectiveness, as to see that I have done something "right", I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and truly accept / believe myself as the character of a inadequate / failure to such an extent that it's uncomfortable for me to recognize aspects about myself that I am actually improving in or good / effective at, or to acknowledge simple tasks that I am doing correctly - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to tap myself on my own back, to give myself credit, to respect, to honor and to value myself, and thus I exist within the desire of being validated by others, as I believe / experience myself as I require the respect, value and honor of others as I have not allowed myself to give it to myself - I forgive myself for even now as I am writing this there is an experience within me of "not wanting to make a big deal out of what I did right, because it's so simple and can / should be disregarded" - within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only focus on what I'm doing wrong in self hatred instead of also seeing that which I'm improving in, and changing within - I hadn't realized how deep this point goes, as I have created and accepted myself as the character of failure / inadequacy to such an extent that it's hard for me to say that I'm not all bad.
I commit myself to take notice throughout my day of things I am good at, to acknowledge aspects of myself that I want to maintain and expand within, as well as aspects of myself I would like to correct and improve, I commit myself to see myself in my totality and not focus only on the bad / defective / inferior / inadequate aspects of myself, but instead to make an effort and realize myself as who I really am, and not be content with the narrow, tunnel version of myself, fed to me by my mind and accepted as myself in self diminishment.
When and as I see myself going into self blame / judgment as believing I am only wrong, that all I do is wrong, I stop myself from participating in the mind as back chat / thoughts / self judgment / emotions, and breathe, I realize that this is a narrow view, looking through a tunnel while hiding from myself the totality of myself and painting a "dark" picture from a starting point of creating energy as inner friction / conflict, thus, I commit myself, when I see myself going into self blame / judgment, to within breath, investigate in self honesty what are the mistakes that I have mis-taken that need be learnt from and corrected, and what are the points within which I was effective, directive and supportive, points that need be learnt from in order to maintain and expand within, I commit myself to do so as a practical process of evaluating where I can learn from my mistakes as to turn them into gifts of self expansion
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Monday, January 28, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Today was my cooking day, which means I prepare dinner for everyone, it took me a while to get used to making food for so many people, as I'm used to making food for myself pretty much, but it's been working out quite OK, and I've actually been enjoying myself most of the time preparing food, today though was different - I decided to make home made tortilla wraps, as this is a meal I would make for myself back home very often, so I am basically very comfortable with this meal and I like it a lot, and even though it's a familiar meal for me to make, today I really stressed out over it - I was worried they won't like the food combinations that I wanted them to fill their wraps with, I was worried there wouldn't be enough food, I was worried because I had bought a weird flour that made the wraps harder to prepare and I wasn't sure they would be any good, I was worried the chicken pieces wouldn't turn out right because I cooked farm chicken which tends to turn out tougher than chicken you would buy from the shop - I basically was stressed out and worried about this meal all day long, mostly about it not being enough, and then all the unpredictable "problems" that came along the way, and regardless of the worrying there was a lot of the actual physical preparations and cooking to do, so basically I was busy with this meal all day long - all the time it actually took to make it, and all the rest of the day as I was stressing and worrying over it.
I experienced myself doubting myself every step of the way, being hard on myself, and blaming myself for every possible mistake, like buying the wrong flour, or fucking up the chicken, or not making sure ahead of time there are enough veggies for the stir fry and so on…
I see this related to the character of inadequacy I have created myself as, I realize there is an imbedded self doubt within me that I have accept as myself, and thus, have been allowing this self doubt to direct my experience through out my day. And so, even though this is a meal I am comfortable with, and even so I have cooked for this many people quite a few times already, I felt inadequate, I didn't trust myself to pull it off effectively.
The point of inadequacy mostly came from the perspective of not knowing how much and what specifically they will eat, and it perpetuated the fear of failing the dinner, where as the most basic failure is not having enough food, but it's also a failure if there is too much and food is thrown away, it's also a failure if they don't like the food, and of course if I don't like it. So, instead of walking my decision of making this dinner for all these people, in breath, I was running and panting in an experience of an inner panic all fucking day.
It ended up being ok, there was enough food and on the most part people enjoyed the meal, which is cool because that's what I aimed for, but there is no excuse for how I allowed myself to experience myself all throughout the day - today was a prefect example of how I walked the day in my mind, in a constant state of a panic / stress / inadequacy, while still committed to walk the physical practical actions that need to be done - so, it's not that I collapsed under the stress and gave up from perspective of not making the dinner, I did what needed to be done, but I could have done it quietly, without the mind as back chat and emotions pounding within me - I mean, it is actual self abuse to allow oneself to walk the day in such a state, especially when there are physical practical solutions and considerations that one can act on and prevent problems, such as asking someone for help, which I did, or preparing more food, which I did, or preparing the food enough in advance to be able to do everything properly, which I did - so basically I did all the practical physical steps as effective as I could and within common sense, I didn't blow it off, I didn't wait for the last minute, I didn't ignore the unpredictable problems that arose throughout the day - I did it all, but I did it in a constant state of energy, as a constant self doubt, within a constant experience of stress and unease.
The result of today is that I'm exhausted, not because of the physical work I did, that part I actually enjoyed, but rather because of the mind fuck I allowed myself to be in all day long, and I didn't once stop myself to breathe, I didn't once stop myself within realizing that the outcome of the dinner is not as important as who I am within myself throughout my day as I'm preparing and making it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk the day within full participation within / as my mind, instead of stopping myself in self support to breathe, to bring myself back here to the physical reality and out of my head of back chat, self judgment and worry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within accepting myself as inadequate, to not trust myself that I can properly make a meal but instead to doubt myself every step of the way and exist in a state of stress and worry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exhaust myself due to my immense participation within / as the mind, instead of supporting myself to be here in breath, within allowing myself to slow myself down and to walk and breathe with the pace of the physical, not running ahead in my mind, but walking here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of stress and worry within doubting myself within accepting myself as inadequate and incapable, instead of simply doing what I can physically do and trust myself within self honesty that I am in fact doing what can be done, and walk in stability regardless the outcome.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk my day in fear of the outcome and thus not allowing myself to be here in breath, equal and one with the physical reality as myself, but instead have projected myself into the future within / as my mind, as I imagine worst case scenarios as the judgment of others as the meal falls apart, and thus walk my day in fear of being judged for fucking up, not realizing that within walking in fear I am fucking myself up where I can see the result of that within the exhaustness I am experiencing now, at the end of the day, as it was such a long day, but only due to my constant participation within / as the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care and worry about what others will say / think about the meal I make and thus within existing in fear / worry abusing myself throughout the day, as I have been victimizing myself, crucifying myself in the name of making a good meal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into preparing this meal in energy, as I have been planning it and anticipating it for a few days, projecting / imagining how great it will be and how much every one will love it, and thus within allowing myself to exist in the positive energy of excitement and anticipation I have created for myself the inevitable consequence of experiencing the low / bad energy as the worry and fear of it not working out as I had planed and hoped
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe through the unpredictable problems that came out throughout the day, and instead have allowed myself to follow my mind and get lost in it and possessed by it, and as such I have missed myself within this day
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prepare this meal in a starting point of desire for it to be great, instead of walking it practically within a starting point of simply preparing a meal to the best of my ability within the limitations and physical situations that come up, with no energy attached
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk this entire breath without stopping for a moment to breathe, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself throughout this entire day within not being here in breath, but instead existing and participating within / as the mind as energy, I forgive myself for acceptng and allowing myself to become possessed by the energy of the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask those around me for help within a starting point of preparing myself to fall from perspective that asking for help is admitting and declaring there are difficulties and thus preparing the others that dinner might be a flock, and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ask for help within the practical common sense starting point of actually and simply finding solutions for the problems and situations that I have detected within preparing the meal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be excited about the meal and thus have not taken the time to prepare effectively what needed to be prepared ahead of time when fast, easy and practical solutions would have been easy to be found.
When and as I prepare a meal and see myself going into energy as excitement or worry, I stop and breathe, I realize that I am participating in the mind as here, in the physical there is no practical room for excitement and worry, there is only room for actions, thus, I commit myself to breathe, I commit myself to walk the physical steps here in breath, I commit myself to list out what needs to be done and trust myself to walk it.
When and as I see myself doubting myself within the acceptance self belief of being inadequate, I stop myself and breathe, I stop the thoughts as back chat, and focus on the physical, as the physical actions that I am doing and need to be done
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Sunday, January 27, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy reading as a child, but then create a resistance towards reading during school, as I didn't enjoy being forced to read, and thus have created myself as a character of not reading well, not realizing the self sabotage I have been participating in through doing so, as within time I have believed this character to be me, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself and sabotage myself within spitefulness towards teachers and the schooling system, not realizing that I am not punishing them by not reading but am only punishing myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea that reading is for geeks as a point of justification to not read, as another form of separation between me and reading, and thus to resist and avoid reading as I didn't want to be associated with being a geek, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act within a starting point of wanting to be accepted with "the cool kids" and thus, not realizing tat I have created the idea in my mind where I connected reading with not being accepted, and thus have allowed my fear of rejection to direct me and within this to sabotage myself and compromise myself, as I realize now that reading is the most valuable skill ne can have as it enhances ones vocabulary which is directly related to ones ability to express ones self, and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider the simple / physical common sense within reality but instead have allowed myself to be directed by fears, desires, spitefulness and social conformity
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate ideas and beliefs of me being a bad reader and thus believing them to be true as the definition of who I am , to such an extent that when I am faces with articles to read I experience myself going into overwhelming ness and stress, as a form of panic within speaking to myself in my mind the back chat that "it is too much for me to read", as I scroll down and see how many pages I must read, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and exist within fear of words, as all it is is words on paper (or screen) and is by no physical mean scary or dangerous, yet I have allowed myself to exist within and as the character of "I can't read well" that I have created a fear of reading, not realizing that if I eliminate the fear all that is left is words constructed in sentenses and paragraphs to form an idea / concept, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to understand the content of the article / paragraph, as well as fear of not reading fast enough, and thus, every time I sit down to read I have accepted and allowed this back chat and self doubt to come up where instead of supporting myself in focusing and going through the words, sentences, paragraphs, article I panic and all my attention is directed to my fear and self belief that it's too much for me, and then create and manifest that which I fear, as I cannot practically read as long as I am in my mind thinking thoughts and talking with myself as back chat. Thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop the back chat and simply focus on the reading, within realizing that only through actually reading will I be able to understand and walk through the entire text, where as, as long as I participate in the mind I am distracting myself and sabotaging myself from simply sitting and reading physically
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent my friends when they would discuss books they have read because within such conversations, I experienced myself excluded as I have not read the books sand believed I couldn't contribute to the conversation as an equal, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea and a high value around reading and define it as a symbol of intelligence and belonging to certain circles, and thus have experienced myself as inadequate and an outsider once I realized that everyone around me is a "reader", I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to resent my reader friends instead of facing myself within it and realizing that I actually resent myself for making the decision to stop reading for all the "wrong" reasons as I have stopped reading within the starting point of spitefulness and fear
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the inevitable, where one side of the polarity will always "invite" the other side of the polarity, as within the physical law of balance, and thus I have not realized that through creating a resistance towards reading in order to fit in, I have also created and am responsible for the outflow / consequence as manifesting that which I resist, as actually experiencing myself being excluded due to not reading, the very tactic I used for the opposite result.
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Friday, January 25, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Here is an interesting point that I didn't expect would come up, as I was writing the background as where in my life I experienced myself as inadequate, I came across this memory, of receiving a reading assignment for class, and going into a form of anxiety, within a belief that I will never be able to read the entire book, in this specific memory I had a friend sit with me and read me the entire book as I followed with my eyes.
As I wrote this, it amazed me how I allowed myself to have an actual reading difficulty and haven't taken the responsibility to address it properly. When I was growing up learning disabilities wasn't as popular as it is today, wasn't as known, though within myself I knew that I have a difficulty in reading, yet I didn't take the responsibility to direct it and work at it, any only now through looking at it I can see how much of my experience of inadequacy is related and sourced in the belief that I am a bad reader, and within believing it - living it, instead of pushing myself to transcend and expand myself beyond my self believed limitation, as I've noticed is part of the construct of inadequacy, as once I define myself as inadequate I give up and don't even try, thus ending up creating my own inadequacy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the pattern of inadequacy, where I experience myself as inadequate in comparing myself to others or to an idea I have as to how I am supposed to be in relation to a specific skill, and then, instead of pushing myself to expand and prefect within learning and practicing the skill, I go into a state of giving up, and accepting myself as inadequate, as if there is nothing I can do about it, and I am simply doomed to remain inadequate forever
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as a slow reader and have not allowed myself to realize that there are methods and techniques one can learn to improve ones reading skill, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept my limitations instead of pushing through them through effort and dedication
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to dedicate myself to supporting and assisting myself to learn and improve myself within the skill of reading, and thus have accepted myself as inadequate, and allowed this self limitation to dictate my experience in general, as it effected me through out my life within effecting my self confidence and self value
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to my perceived reading ability, and thus have believed myself to have a lesser value due to believing myself as being a bad reader, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as a bad reader instead of working towards changing / improving myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the importance of reading as a practical skill, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to push myself to improve within my reading as an act of self support, self dignity and self value, within this I forgive myself or accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself through accepting myself as a bad reader, not yet realizing the consequences it will have created throughout my life, such as accepting myself as inadequate, within shame as I have been trying to hide my reading difficulty
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my learning difficulty personally and experience myself as ashamed of myself for not being as good of a reader as those around me within constantly comparing myself to them, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be humble and ask for help in acquiring the skills and methods to be able to improve my reading and instead I held on to my pride, as if I don't care about how I read, when in fact the self belief of being a bad reader has created lots of inner conflict within me as I allowed myself to feel ashamed and inferior
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as a bad reader instead of realizing that as any skill this too can be learned and perfected, and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take the time and put in the effort to support myself to become a better and more effective reader, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as worthy to take the time and put in the effort in order to support myself
I realize reading is a basic skill that all must acquire and become effective within as it effects our ability to use words which are the building blocks of our experience of ourselves, I realize that by not supporting myself to correct and perfect my reading ability I have participated in deliberate self sabotage and as a result have experienced myself as inadequate through out my life, resulting in giving up, aggressiveness, and other personalities I have created to hide the insecurities based on the experience of inadequacy in regards to not reading well
I realize that I have judged myself as inadequate within reading through comparison, and as a result of experiencing myself as inadequate I have allowed myself to develop a resistance towards reading and thus prevent myself from practicing and improving within the skill of reading while holding on and perpetuating the self created character of being an inadequate reader, thus, when and as I see myself going into inadequacy as an experience of inferiority and opening the door towards giving up on myself, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that any skill can be learned and perfected, I realize that I am worthy to be giving myself the gift of discipline, as investing in myself the effort and time that it takes to learn a skill, thus I commit myself to when a skill comes up where I experience myself as inadequate, I do not allow the pattern and energy of inadequacy to take control over me, I support myself through breath, I support myself to lok at the point in common sense in practicality, and if I decide that it is a point that is valid to pursue, I commit myself to take the physical actions needed to acquire the skill, realizing it will take time and effort, yet realizing that I am worth taking the time and putting in the effort in order to support, expand and perfect myself
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Thursday, January 24, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be inadequate because my sister was better than me in the games we played
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, each time I would play with my sister and lose, accumulate it as a memory proving my inadequacy, within this allowing myself to give up on myself, as believing I will not win the game any way because I am inadequate, and thus I stopped even trying, I would play within an energetic experience of knowing it is pointless
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value winning within playing a game, and have not allowed myself to play for the pure and unconditional enjoinment of the game
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the winning or losing of the game instead of allowing myself to enjoy the game within the doing of it, simply playing within a starting point of enjoinment rather within the starting point of winning
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that because I had placed value on winning the game, and have defined myself according to if I won or not, I did not allow myself to enjoy the game and expand within it, but rather I allowed myself to become limited within participating in the cycle of losing and thus believing myself to be inadequate, and thus not even trying and thus not improving / expanding, and thus losing more as proving myself right, and so on, until I have integrated the character of being inadequate as myself, and have not questioned it since.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play within an emotional state of anxiety as within fear of losing the game again, within this I see now that I have allowed myself to become aggressive towards my sister within blaming her for my emotional experience of inadequacy, not realizing that it was me who have placed value on winning and have defined myself according to winning or losing, and thus it was me who have allowed myself to believe that if I lose I must be inadequate instead of seeing it as a point of learning and expanding within asking my sister to teach me and help me with my learning of the skill, within allowing myself to take the time and put in the effort of learning the skill - thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent my sister because of believing myself to be less than her, instead of being grateful that I have someone to learn from and within humbleness allow myself to expand and learn through seeing her as an example
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my pride, as I couldn't bring myself to admit that I am less than her, even though it was clearly that she was more skillful than me at that time, thus, instead of being humble and allowing myself to learn from her and expand, I reacted within taking it personally and thus believing myself to be inferior, not allowing myself to learn and open up, but instead to build up resentment and blame towards her, within this I have dictated our relationship for the next year as I have resented her for being good at what she was doing, as well as I have dictated for myself not to push myself and try when I see effort needs to be applied, because I would go immediately into the experience of inadequacy, and thus give up before even actually trying
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be self honest with myself in seeing myself as competitive and allowing myself to express myself as such, rather than suppressing the competitiveness by going into giving up and the experience of inadequacy to avoid the competition within fear of losing
When and as I participate in an activity and see myself as less than another, I stop myself and breathe, I support myself within breath to not allow myself to go into the experience of inadequacy, and instead I practically see what I can do in order to expand and perfect myself within this skill, I commit myself to see within common sense and practicality if this is something I was to perfect myself within and if so, to find the practical steps of doing so, without allowing myself to go into the mind, as I have realized that it is counter productive, as going into the mind within believing myself to be inadequate results instead of improving to further self limitation
When and as I see myself going into competition within giving value to winning the game / activity rather than enjoying myself within and as it, I stop myself and breathe, I realize nothing good can come out of it, I will either win and go into superiority and identify with that character, or I would lose and will go into inferiority and identify myself with that, thus I commit myself, when playing or participating in any activity that I see myself valuing the winning instead of the activity itself, I support myself with breath, and bring myself back to the physical and push myself to physically participate in what I am doing, while stopping my participation with the mind as competition
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
