Monday, January 28, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Today was my cooking day, which means I prepare dinner for everyone, it took me a while to get used to making food for so many people, as I'm used to making food for myself pretty much, but it's been working out quite OK, and I've actually been enjoying myself most of the time preparing food, today though was different - I decided to make home made tortilla wraps, as this is a meal I would make for myself back home very often, so I am basically very comfortable with this meal and I like it a lot, and even though it's a familiar meal for me to make, today I really stressed out over it - I was worried they won't like the food combinations that I wanted them to fill their wraps with, I was worried there wouldn't be enough food, I was worried because I had bought a weird flour that made the wraps harder to prepare and I wasn't sure they would be any good, I was worried the chicken pieces wouldn't turn out right because I cooked farm chicken which tends to turn out tougher than chicken you would buy from the shop - I basically was stressed out and worried about this meal all day long, mostly about it not being enough, and then all the unpredictable "problems" that came along the way, and regardless of the worrying there was a lot of the actual physical preparations and cooking to do, so basically I was busy with this meal all day long - all the time it actually took to make it, and all the rest of the day as I was stressing and worrying over it.
I experienced myself doubting myself every step of the way, being hard on myself, and blaming myself for every possible mistake, like buying the wrong flour, or fucking up the chicken, or not making sure ahead of time there are enough veggies for the stir fry and so on…
I see this related to the character of inadequacy I have created myself as, I realize there is an imbedded self doubt within me that I have accept as myself, and thus, have been allowing this self doubt to direct my experience through out my day. And so, even though this is a meal I am comfortable with, and even so I have cooked for this many people quite a few times already, I felt inadequate, I didn't trust myself to pull it off effectively.
The point of inadequacy mostly came from the perspective of not knowing how much and what specifically they will eat, and it perpetuated the fear of failing the dinner, where as the most basic failure is not having enough food, but it's also a failure if there is too much and food is thrown away, it's also a failure if they don't like the food, and of course if I don't like it. So, instead of walking my decision of making this dinner for all these people, in breath, I was running and panting in an experience of an inner panic all fucking day.
It ended up being ok, there was enough food and on the most part people enjoyed the meal, which is cool because that's what I aimed for, but there is no excuse for how I allowed myself to experience myself all throughout the day - today was a prefect example of how I walked the day in my mind, in a constant state of a panic / stress / inadequacy, while still committed to walk the physical practical actions that need to be done - so, it's not that I collapsed under the stress and gave up from perspective of not making the dinner, I did what needed to be done, but I could have done it quietly, without the mind as back chat and emotions pounding within me - I mean, it is actual self abuse to allow oneself to walk the day in such a state, especially when there are physical practical solutions and considerations that one can act on and prevent problems, such as asking someone for help, which I did, or preparing more food, which I did, or preparing the food enough in advance to be able to do everything properly, which I did - so basically I did all the practical physical steps as effective as I could and within common sense, I didn't blow it off, I didn't wait for the last minute, I didn't ignore the unpredictable problems that arose throughout the day - I did it all, but I did it in a constant state of energy, as a constant self doubt, within a constant experience of stress and unease.
The result of today is that I'm exhausted, not because of the physical work I did, that part I actually enjoyed, but rather because of the mind fuck I allowed myself to be in all day long, and I didn't once stop myself to breathe, I didn't once stop myself within realizing that the outcome of the dinner is not as important as who I am within myself throughout my day as I'm preparing and making it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk the day within full participation within / as my mind, instead of stopping myself in self support to breathe, to bring myself back here to the physical reality and out of my head of back chat, self judgment and worry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within accepting myself as inadequate, to not trust myself that I can properly make a meal but instead to doubt myself every step of the way and exist in a state of stress and worry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exhaust myself due to my immense participation within / as the mind, instead of supporting myself to be here in breath, within allowing myself to slow myself down and to walk and breathe with the pace of the physical, not running ahead in my mind, but walking here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of stress and worry within doubting myself within accepting myself as inadequate and incapable, instead of simply doing what I can physically do and trust myself within self honesty that I am in fact doing what can be done, and walk in stability regardless the outcome.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk my day in fear of the outcome and thus not allowing myself to be here in breath, equal and one with the physical reality as myself, but instead have projected myself into the future within / as my mind, as I imagine worst case scenarios as the judgment of others as the meal falls apart, and thus walk my day in fear of being judged for fucking up, not realizing that within walking in fear I am fucking myself up where I can see the result of that within the exhaustness I am experiencing now, at the end of the day, as it was such a long day, but only due to my constant participation within / as the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care and worry about what others will say / think about the meal I make and thus within existing in fear / worry abusing myself throughout the day, as I have been victimizing myself, crucifying myself in the name of making a good meal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into preparing this meal in energy, as I have been planning it and anticipating it for a few days, projecting / imagining how great it will be and how much every one will love it, and thus within allowing myself to exist in the positive energy of excitement and anticipation I have created for myself the inevitable consequence of experiencing the low / bad energy as the worry and fear of it not working out as I had planed and hoped
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe through the unpredictable problems that came out throughout the day, and instead have allowed myself to follow my mind and get lost in it and possessed by it, and as such I have missed myself within this day
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prepare this meal in a starting point of desire for it to be great, instead of walking it practically within a starting point of simply preparing a meal to the best of my ability within the limitations and physical situations that come up, with no energy attached
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk this entire breath without stopping for a moment to breathe, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself throughout this entire day within not being here in breath, but instead existing and participating within / as the mind as energy, I forgive myself for acceptng and allowing myself to become possessed by the energy of the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask those around me for help within a starting point of preparing myself to fall from perspective that asking for help is admitting and declaring there are difficulties and thus preparing the others that dinner might be a flock, and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ask for help within the practical common sense starting point of actually and simply finding solutions for the problems and situations that I have detected within preparing the meal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be excited about the meal and thus have not taken the time to prepare effectively what needed to be prepared ahead of time when fast, easy and practical solutions would have been easy to be found.
When and as I prepare a meal and see myself going into energy as excitement or worry, I stop and breathe, I realize that I am participating in the mind as here, in the physical there is no practical room for excitement and worry, there is only room for actions, thus, I commit myself to breathe, I commit myself to walk the physical steps here in breath, I commit myself to list out what needs to be done and trust myself to walk it.
When and as I see myself doubting myself within the acceptance self belief of being inadequate, I stop myself and breathe, I stop the thoughts as back chat, and focus on the physical, as the physical actions that I am doing and need to be done
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