Thursday, January 3, 2013
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 – Appearance
Day 131 - Self judgment - Part 3 – Appearance - Part 2
Day 132 - Self judgment - Part 4 - Appearance - Part 3
Looking back at my life memories, trying to find the starting point of this construct, how did I create this design of self judgment in regards to appearance within and as myself, what memories am I still holding onto that hold this energetic charge within me?
The two main beliefs I see within the system design of self judgment in regards to appearance is that, 1) I believe appearance is valuable, as being pretty and looking good is a value, it makes you more, superior, it’s a point in your favor, 2) the other belief is that I'm not that, I'm not pretty, thus, I lack that value of being pretty as I have defined pretty in my mind and have given it value in my mind and then judged myself for lacking it in my mind.
How did I do this?
The memories go back to childhood, it's hard to pin point when it actually started, but what comes to mind is my relationship with my sister, how I saw her and in comparison how I saw myself. When we were growing up, and basically through out my entire life, I always knew within myself that my sister is "the pretty one", I always knew she was prettier than me - I remember my friends seeing her and saying to me how beautiful my sister is, this happened many times. I realize though, that these memories are not the source because I remember that I already had the experience as reaction within myself when they would say it, as I already have heard it before, I had already known this and them saying it was another confirmation of the truth I had already believed to be true, thus I have already have created the construct / belief and the energetic reaction to it. While growing up I never related being beautiful to myself, I always felt like I wasn't, I always connected beauty to my sister, I justified it with the comments I got from those around, as they would tell me how pretty my sister is, it was a simple conclusion - if I was pretty, would someone had told me as well? But no one did, or if they did I didn't believe it, and paid my attention on how pretty my sister was, as everybody always seemed surprised and expressed how beautiful she is.
This reminds me of an Israeli song "why didn't you tell me that your sister is prettier" I always experienced an inner pinch when I heard the song, I thought that all the guys in my life must have though it to themselves, that they got the less pretty sister, and had they'd known they would have chosen the other sister. I see within this that I was actually threatened by her beauty, like I will lose people / friends / lovers to her, like they will know her and will want to trade up. This created a construct of competition within me towards her, and towards any woman later on in my life that I defined as prettier than me, I couldn't simply be, I would be alert and try to prove myself, try to get some points to compensate on the lack of the valuable beauty I believed I had, within believing how important having it is.
This still doesn't explain how it all started…
In earlier years, I don't remember any comments from my family about her being prettier, but what I do remember is that I never knew how to smile in pictures, my mom used to take many pictures of us and I always had a fake, uncomfortable and exaggerated smile, my sister on the other hand would always look so pretty, like she was actually smiling her real smile. In those years , as I was growing up, I developed an interesting relationship to being photographed, because I had gone to the extreme of making a big and exaggerated smile that looked funny and unreal, like I was making a funny face intentionally, but I wasn't, I was trying to smile to the camera. I was camera shay and didn't know how to be in front of it, I didn't know how to smile a real smile and just look and be natural when the camera was pointed at me. So, in a way, through the photographs of me making these funny faces, I validated the point of not being pretty, and specifically not being as pretty as my sister, that always looked so good in pictures.
Throughout the years I have accumulated these memories one by one, every time someone commented about my sister being pretty I took it as proof of me not being as pretty, and I created this idea and self belief about myself, and within this self belief I have justified so many things in my life, especially failure in relationships - why? because I'm not pretty enough - all this within the accepted idea that beauty has value, as we see this everywhere in the media, and in gossip with friends, there seems to be an accepted consensus that beauty is important and valuable - so, here I am, a product of my society, believing beauty is valuable while believing myself to be less than my sister, thus creating myself as inferior, believing myself to be less than - I've taken in all the information and had come to that conclusion that beauty is valuable and I lack it - then I have lived by this idea and created it as myself - not once did I question the validity of the accepted social norm that beauty is valuable - I mean really, why would it be? We are basically born with a physical structure, it's not like if we are good and caring people we become more beautiful, it's not like if we are abusive or manipulative we become ugly - thus there is no actual connection between how we look and who we are - so why did I never question this and simply accepted it as a truth within reality, and in turn a truth about myself - as I have gone throughout my life believing I am lacking, and within the experience of being lacking, as being less than, I have always been looking around, outside of myself, to check everybody else's appearance, to see who I am in comparison to them, to validate my self belief through people that are more pretty than me proving I lack the value of beauty as I have taught myself to do through my relationship with my sister.
Looking at it now, it's not only sad, it is actual child abuse, to be living in a world where beauty is believed to have value - I mean, we can't do anything about how we look, it's not like we can apply ourselves, study harder, build self discipline and as a result be more beautiful - so living in a world where it is promoted that beauty is important and valuable is causing so much unnecessary suffering, and not only to those of us that believe ourselves to be not beautiful, but also to those that have gone all their lives believing themselves to be beautiful, because they did get the positive feedback growing up, and they fit in to the cultural beauty ideal - how can they know if people accept them for who they are or for their looks - it's similar to being rich and everybody knows about it - how can you trust that the people around you are with you for "who you are" and not for you money - the value we have given beauty has caused only distress, inner conflict, competition, jealousy and rivalry throughout history, and yet, I have accepted it and recreated it within and as myself, and even though there is no common sense in giving beauty value, I still have done it throughout my life, and still do it within self judgment - until I stand up within myself, within self honesty, and take responsibility for myself as not allowing myself to simply follow the social norm I have grown to be use to, and the program I have created myself as - but to actually become self directive within common sense and stop what doesn't make any sense like giving value to appearance.
I realize judging myself for this is pointless and will just cause myself to create another personality within myself, just another layer of self judgment - thus I realize I must transcend this point through walking a process of self forgiveness and corrective application as I commit myself to stop and change, without falling into self judgment - I must integrate as myself the realization that I have programed myself due to the ignorance I have been existing in, and now that the vale of ignorance is off I must take self responsibility and change myself, to never again allow myself to fall into participation within the beauty system.
Self forgiveness to come...
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