Wednesday, January 9, 2013
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 – Appearance
Day 131 - Self judgment - Part 3 – Appearance - Part 2
Day 132 - Self judgment - Part 4 - Appearance - Part 3
Day 133 - Self judgment - Part 5 – Designing myself as the appearance construct
Day 134 - Self Judgment - Part 6 – Appearance
I realize that when someone is being complemented on their appearance it isn't about me nor related to me and thus doesn't actually concern me - thus taking it personally and making any interpretations in regards myself is out of context, based on an illusion created only in my mind, as it has nothing to do with the actual physical reality of the situation, I realize that reacting to any complement given to another and taking it personally is reflecting my own self judgment towards my appearance and nothing else as what others may or may not think about me, within this I realize that any reaction as thoughts / back chat / energetic experience coming up within me, as comparison / spitefulness / judgment /competition / insult are not reflecting what others think of me but only reflecting and showing me what I think/believe about myself, within this I see that allowing these thoughts of self judgment as interpretations to others being complimented are self abusive, as within them I justify my self judgment and "bring myself down" as to experience the negative energy associated with self judgment. Within this I see that whenever I react to someone being complemented is an opportunity for me to see that I am still not clear and that the point of self acceptance is still not lived by me as myself, thus any point of reaction is thus a gift if I accept it as such and allow myself to investigate, forgive, and correct the points as they come up within my life, exposing to me the acceptances and allowances I have been living within/as in order for me to stand up and take self responsibility within the starting point of correcting myself to stop the self abuse and support myself as life, to support myself as I would support a child and to stop accepting the self abuse as I would not allow a child to be abused - thus, I commit myself to stop myself within and as breath when and as I see myself reacting to someone else being complemented or positively reinforced in any way, and specifically in regards to appearance, I commit myself to stop myself in breath and investigate and forgive the specific point that had emerged within the situation and revealed by my reaction, I commit myself to take on this point of self judgment in regards to appearance until it has no directive power over me, until I can stand stable in the face of any comment whether directed towards me or another, and not react within the mind as energy but direct myself within the principle of supporting myself in every breath and all within the situation as myself I realize that when I participate with thoughts as a form of comparison within self judgment in regards to appearance I am diminishing myself as the beingness that I am, and give my power away within accepting and allowing myself to believe my mind within the idea that there is an ideal way to look and that all must strive to look like that, within this I see that I have conditioned myself to desire to look as the ideal beauty image I have accepted within the accepted idea/belief that I have no right not to desire it, as if all should want to look like that - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as the appearance of my physical body as part of fulfilling my social duties in a way, within the desire / dependency to be accepted in society, as if I am suppose to judge myself because I don't look like the ideal, and I have thus allowed myself to consistently judge myself within a fear that if I don't I will be mocked, as if it is expected for someone that doesn't look like the ideal to at least judge themselves, as if to say "realize you don't look like the ideal you should want to look like, and judge yourself for not looking like it to prove that you understand that that's how you should look" - I realize within this that self judgment is a tool used to not change, as a form of justification, as a way of saying I accept my situation as my appearance but cannot do a thing about it so I will at the very least judge myself as to prove to society that I condemn myself as my appearance as to receive the approval of society, as a way to belong as one with society within sharing the point of judgment - thus equalizing myself to the point of judgment within accepting that all should strive to look in a specific way, and if they don't it is legitimate to judge them, as that is what society does, and thus it is expected that they judge themselves as well, and thus if they cannot fit in to society through looking in the ideal way, they can at least fit in with sharing society's judgment - I realize that I have been treating myself as a bully within the desire to fit in to society and accepting society's demands in regards to appearance, and thus I have been bullying myself within self judgment as if to say "hey society, look, I'm not standing as the ideal beauty image, but I accept it, and thus I will follow your demands and serve society's interest in condemning anyone that doesn't stand as that ideal, including myself, within this I have not allowed myself to question whether what I perceive as society's demands as the idea appearance is valid and worth "fighting for" and standing one and equal as - it is clear that it is not valid as it allows exclusion to all that do not fit the model and allows abuse as judgment towards those who do not fit the model, and thus disregards life as equal, and places conditions in order to be seen as worthy, instead of recognizing that all are equal as life, and all are equally worthy, and that the only thing that actually defines us is who we are within our acceptances and allowances, as the beingness that we allow ourselves to be - within this I commit myself to stop and breathe and not participate with society's demands without questioning them, as to make sure that I do not participate with the abuse that society allows and promotes as for instance exclusion, judgment and bullying. I commit myself to let go the ideal I have accepted and have lived by within judging myself for not looking like it and build myself a new within self trust as to trust myself that I will not bully myself within self judgment to justify to myself not looking like an ideal that is un real, as it is an idea, a concept of an era, an accepted opinion and not alive as the physical, and cannot be lived by all, and thus cannot be something to live by or be directed towards.
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