Sunday, January 27, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy reading as a child, but then create a resistance towards reading during school, as I didn't enjoy being forced to read, and thus have created myself as a character of not reading well, not realizing the self sabotage I have been participating in through doing so, as within time I have believed this character to be me, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself and sabotage myself within spitefulness towards teachers and the schooling system, not realizing that I am not punishing them by not reading but am only punishing myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea that reading is for geeks as a point of justification to not read, as another form of separation between me and reading, and thus to resist and avoid reading as I didn't want to be associated with being a geek, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act within a starting point of wanting to be accepted with "the cool kids" and thus, not realizing tat I have created the idea in my mind where I connected reading with not being accepted, and thus have allowed my fear of rejection to direct me and within this to sabotage myself and compromise myself, as I realize now that reading is the most valuable skill ne can have as it enhances ones vocabulary which is directly related to ones ability to express ones self, and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider the simple / physical common sense within reality but instead have allowed myself to be directed by fears, desires, spitefulness and social conformity
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate ideas and beliefs of me being a bad reader and thus believing them to be true as the definition of who I am , to such an extent that when I am faces with articles to read I experience myself going into overwhelming ness and stress, as a form of panic within speaking to myself in my mind the back chat that "it is too much for me to read", as I scroll down and see how many pages I must read, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and exist within fear of words, as all it is is words on paper (or screen) and is by no physical mean scary or dangerous, yet I have allowed myself to exist within and as the character of "I can't read well" that I have created a fear of reading, not realizing that if I eliminate the fear all that is left is words constructed in sentenses and paragraphs to form an idea / concept, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to understand the content of the article / paragraph, as well as fear of not reading fast enough, and thus, every time I sit down to read I have accepted and allowed this back chat and self doubt to come up where instead of supporting myself in focusing and going through the words, sentences, paragraphs, article I panic and all my attention is directed to my fear and self belief that it's too much for me, and then create and manifest that which I fear, as I cannot practically read as long as I am in my mind thinking thoughts and talking with myself as back chat. Thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop the back chat and simply focus on the reading, within realizing that only through actually reading will I be able to understand and walk through the entire text, where as, as long as I participate in the mind I am distracting myself and sabotaging myself from simply sitting and reading physically
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent my friends when they would discuss books they have read because within such conversations, I experienced myself excluded as I have not read the books sand believed I couldn't contribute to the conversation as an equal, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea and a high value around reading and define it as a symbol of intelligence and belonging to certain circles, and thus have experienced myself as inadequate and an outsider once I realized that everyone around me is a "reader", I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to resent my reader friends instead of facing myself within it and realizing that I actually resent myself for making the decision to stop reading for all the "wrong" reasons as I have stopped reading within the starting point of spitefulness and fear
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the inevitable, where one side of the polarity will always "invite" the other side of the polarity, as within the physical law of balance, and thus I have not realized that through creating a resistance towards reading in order to fit in, I have also created and am responsible for the outflow / consequence as manifesting that which I resist, as actually experiencing myself being excluded due to not reading, the very tactic I used for the opposite result.
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