Friday, January 25, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Here is an interesting point that I didn't expect would come up, as I was writing the background as where in my life I experienced myself as inadequate, I came across this memory, of receiving a reading assignment for class, and going into a form of anxiety, within a belief that I will never be able to read the entire book, in this specific memory I had a friend sit with me and read me the entire book as I followed with my eyes.
As I wrote this, it amazed me how I allowed myself to have an actual reading difficulty and haven't taken the responsibility to address it properly. When I was growing up learning disabilities wasn't as popular as it is today, wasn't as known, though within myself I knew that I have a difficulty in reading, yet I didn't take the responsibility to direct it and work at it, any only now through looking at it I can see how much of my experience of inadequacy is related and sourced in the belief that I am a bad reader, and within believing it - living it, instead of pushing myself to transcend and expand myself beyond my self believed limitation, as I've noticed is part of the construct of inadequacy, as once I define myself as inadequate I give up and don't even try, thus ending up creating my own inadequacy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the pattern of inadequacy, where I experience myself as inadequate in comparing myself to others or to an idea I have as to how I am supposed to be in relation to a specific skill, and then, instead of pushing myself to expand and prefect within learning and practicing the skill, I go into a state of giving up, and accepting myself as inadequate, as if there is nothing I can do about it, and I am simply doomed to remain inadequate forever
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as a slow reader and have not allowed myself to realize that there are methods and techniques one can learn to improve ones reading skill, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept my limitations instead of pushing through them through effort and dedication
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to dedicate myself to supporting and assisting myself to learn and improve myself within the skill of reading, and thus have accepted myself as inadequate, and allowed this self limitation to dictate my experience in general, as it effected me through out my life within effecting my self confidence and self value
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to my perceived reading ability, and thus have believed myself to have a lesser value due to believing myself as being a bad reader, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as a bad reader instead of working towards changing / improving myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the importance of reading as a practical skill, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to push myself to improve within my reading as an act of self support, self dignity and self value, within this I forgive myself or accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself through accepting myself as a bad reader, not yet realizing the consequences it will have created throughout my life, such as accepting myself as inadequate, within shame as I have been trying to hide my reading difficulty
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my learning difficulty personally and experience myself as ashamed of myself for not being as good of a reader as those around me within constantly comparing myself to them, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be humble and ask for help in acquiring the skills and methods to be able to improve my reading and instead I held on to my pride, as if I don't care about how I read, when in fact the self belief of being a bad reader has created lots of inner conflict within me as I allowed myself to feel ashamed and inferior
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as a bad reader instead of realizing that as any skill this too can be learned and perfected, and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take the time and put in the effort to support myself to become a better and more effective reader, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as worthy to take the time and put in the effort in order to support myself
I realize reading is a basic skill that all must acquire and become effective within as it effects our ability to use words which are the building blocks of our experience of ourselves, I realize that by not supporting myself to correct and perfect my reading ability I have participated in deliberate self sabotage and as a result have experienced myself as inadequate through out my life, resulting in giving up, aggressiveness, and other personalities I have created to hide the insecurities based on the experience of inadequacy in regards to not reading well
I realize that I have judged myself as inadequate within reading through comparison, and as a result of experiencing myself as inadequate I have allowed myself to develop a resistance towards reading and thus prevent myself from practicing and improving within the skill of reading while holding on and perpetuating the self created character of being an inadequate reader, thus, when and as I see myself going into inadequacy as an experience of inferiority and opening the door towards giving up on myself, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that any skill can be learned and perfected, I realize that I am worthy to be giving myself the gift of discipline, as investing in myself the effort and time that it takes to learn a skill, thus I commit myself to when a skill comes up where I experience myself as inadequate, I do not allow the pattern and energy of inadequacy to take control over me, I support myself through breath, I support myself to lok at the point in common sense in practicality, and if I decide that it is a point that is valid to pursue, I commit myself to take the physical actions needed to acquire the skill, realizing it will take time and effort, yet realizing that I am worth taking the time and putting in the effort in order to support, expand and perfect myself
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