Thursday, January 31, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Day 151 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food – Part 2 - Preparing Wraps
Within opening up the inadequacy character, I've been writing about my cooking day experience - I am now going into the details of that day to investigate it as specifically as I can, in order to understand why and how I manifested such a crappy day for myself. Today I will open up the point of making the chicken for the wraps.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to past experience as preparing farm chicken not to my satisfaction as a point of self belief that I am incapable of preparing farm chicken properly, instead of allowing myself to ask those around me and learn through a process of trial and error how to make farm chicken.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up an energetic experience of fear towards preparing farm chicken based on the past experience of myself as not being capable to do it properly, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself based on past experiences stored within me as memories, and thus allowing myself to be directed by the past as I create more and more self beliefs of inadequacy, instead of taking it into a point of practical self support as seeing what I have done and how it turned out, and exploring new ways of doing it, within realizing that it can be done, and if it can be done I can learn how to do it, I, thus, forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of giving up within believing that I will not be able to pull it off and thus, within this experience allow myself to stress within projecting myself into the future as if I've already failed, thus allowing myself to move through out my day within a heavy energetic experience as I believe I've seen the future of my failure and I have nothing to do about it but walk right in to it - I realize that future projections as seeing myself fail are not supportive or constructive in any way, as they direct me towards walking my day in energy within the self belief of being a failure, instead of allowing myself to explore like an innocent and fearless child, going into it with a sense of playfulness, as finding out what will happen if I do this or that, how will it turn out - not allowing myself to be directed by the fear of being judged as I realize how limiting this fear makes me within my participation with it
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore new ways / recipes / techniques based on fear of not making it to the liking of others, not taking into consideration that if I don't allow myself to explore new ways / recipes I will never expand within the task of cooking, and thus am limiting myself as self expression as trying new things, playing with new way, and exploring new recipes - I realize that when my starting point is based on the result, whether others will approve or not, I am limiting myself and preventing myself from enjoying myself within and as the process of making / doing it, thus, when and as I see myself going into the energetic experience of fear / worry of what others will think of the final product as I am preparing it, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to my physical body and to the physical task at hand, as the practical steps that need to be taken, I don't allow myself to entertain myself in thoughts / back chat / fear of what others will think or say, instead I focus on enjoying myself here, in breath, as I'm cooking, I allow myself to investigate the internet, cook books, recipes, and ask other people in order to expand myself and explore new way of doing it, from a playful starting point rather then a fearful one.
When and as I see myself going into an experience of stress due to fear of what others will think of my meal, I stop myself and breathe, I commit myself to immediately change myself as my starting point into playfulness and allow myself to enjoy myself within the physical actions I am involved with
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to people around me who state they do not like / enjoy eating farm chicken and thus, when I have decided to prepare farm chicken I allowed myself to stress over it within the fear that they will not enjoy it yet again, within the desire to please everyone with my meal, instead of allowing myself to go into it as a clear slate, not concerned about what others will think or how they will judge what I make.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic when I was cooking the chicken and they reacted differently than what I expected them to, as they became harder instead of softer while I was cooking them, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately go into my mind as back chat as blaming myself for even trying to make farm chicken, as using this point as proof and validation for not knowing nor being capable of making farm chicken, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask for help and assistance within an experience of panic, instead of allowing myself to remain stable within myself within / as the situation, and ask for help and assistance to receive practical support as to what I should do with the chicken within a starting point of common sense practicality and not a starting point of energy as panic, I realize that the energetic reaction I have allowed myself to exist within was not supportive nor effective as it blurred my vision and restricted my ability to direct the situation -as I allowed myself to panic instead of simply walking with breath and dealing with whatever comes my way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within a panic as a coping mechanism, as I have created a belief / connection that if I panic I will get people to help me because they will see me as fragile, vulnerable and helpless, and thus I have allowed myself to use panic as a form of manipulation to get what I want, instead of allowing myself to simply ask for help directly and clearly, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust the support of those around me as I believe I must manipulate them into assisting me, instead of being clear and direct and not manipulative and allow them to assist me as they are practically able to rather hen from a point of emotional manipulation, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in deliberate manipulation, in order to get others to assist me instead of walking as self honor and self respect and as such honor and respect others as myself, and not allow myself to try and manipulate them, but rather accept their assistance if granted and respect it either way if they are not able to assist me in that moment - within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to assist and support myself within handling the situation - within this I realize that it is the accepted and allowed fear of failure that I have allowed to limited me by not allowing myself to trust myself enough to walk practically the necessary actions in order to "save the day" on my own if necessary - I realize that within self trust there is no place for panic nor fear, as I realize that I will do what can be done and will accept the result no matter what it is, within knowing that whatever it is I can learn from it and correct myself next time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about if there was going to be enough chicken for everybody, while at the same time was worried that I don't make too much food and have it go to waste, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the polarity of too much / too little food, instead of allowing myself to breathe and calculate practically how much chicken will be eaten, within taking into consideration that one cannot estimate exactly how much people will eat, and thus within realizing that predicting the future being impossible there is no point of stressing over it, but rather simply making a common sense decision according to the number of people that are joining the meal, within accepting that there might be too little or too much - again, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the point of fear of not pleasing everybody to direct me and my experience - I realize that as long as my starting point is to please others I am existing within separation: as I separate myself from "them" as I try to please "them" in fear of "their" judgment, not realizing they are reflecting me back to myself, as it is never about "them" but always about self's relationship to self as a disguised self projection , and as separated from myself, as I'm not considering myself in the very moment as breath, as I'm allowing myself to exist in energy within my mind, as a form of as abusive relationship with myself as I allow myself to go into and participate with energetic experiences as fear, worry and stress that I have not created directly as myself but have been allowing myself to be directed by, instead of supporting myself to stand stable in breath, and walk practically, simply and effectively, as self directive principle of and as myself, and for myself and others as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within realizing there isn't enough chicken to then, instead of making a directive decision to add more chicken, I didn't allow myself to trust myself and asked for someone else to make the decision for me, thus abdicating the responsibility and avoiding the possibility of blaming myself for making a mistake as I can now blame another as they made the decision - within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid making decisions in fear of making mistakes, yet I allow myself to manipulate others into making my decisions so that the blame will not fall on me, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand as self trust, within making a directive decision through utilizing common sense and the assistance of others if necessary, and standing by my decision within accepting any outcome / outflow / consequence, I realize that by making decisions one places oneself in a vulnerable position if one exist in fear of making mistakes and fear of criticism / judgment made by others, but at the same time, within making directive decisions, one places oneself in a position of self empowerment, as one knows they are the directive principle, and only through being the directive principle can one calculate and estimate the situation and take full responsibility in correcting whatever needs be corrected for next time, whereas if one is not the directive principle and instead allows others to make the decision, one will never learn to trust oneself, and will never see the point of self responsibility because one was just floating around through other's decisions - I realize making a decision and taking full responsibility is vital as part of a process of self empowerment, self trust, self respect, and within this, reclaiming self's value - I thus, commit myself to build myself up one breath at a time, and push myself to take decisions, as a practical point of self support, as to face myself within making decision, to face myself within receiving criticism, to face myself within making mistakes, and to practice breathing as self support to stand through it all, to assist myself to learn from my mistakes and take them as gifts, as they allow me to explore myself from a new angle
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