Monday, January 14, 2013
I always heard the phrase "the grass is greener on the other side" but I never actually looked at it within and as myself, and I find now that it is a dominant construct / pattern / personality within me. I've actually seen this years ago, but didn’t yet have the tools to address it effectively, so now that I do, and since it has been coming up within me, it's an opportunity to take it on.
The first time I became aware of this pattern of mine was when I would be in big social events, what happens is that, when I am with a big group of friends, too big for all to have one conversation, people split up to smaller groups and talk amongst themselves - in such situations as I am engaged in one conversations I have a feeling that I am missing out on a more interesting conversation, I have only half of my attention with the people I am talking to, and the other half is scanning other conversations, looking for hints and clues as to what is being discussed, then I might here a partial sentence or a few words of interest and become curious as to what is being said, I will then move to the other conversation, as an attempt to be at the most interesting conversation, Or I might stay where I am but experience myself as missing out, as being stuck at the boring conversation. This creates a situation where I am not here nor there, I am in my mind, experiencing myself as I am missing out on something else that is "there", and thus am actually missing out on being here in breath because I am preoccupying myself within the illusions and manipulations of the mind, as the mind is keeping me interested in everything that is out there, wanting to find the better place to be at, instead of me realizing that all I need is always here, because I am always here, and once I get that, and integrate that as myself, I will not be so easily fooled by the mind as I have been, within allowing myself to be directed by it as I have been.
When this construct comes up within me, I experience it like a constant "not good enough", as no matter what I am doing or who I am with there is always something better right around the corner, experiencing myself as if I am the one that is always missing out. Within this there is also an experience / thought / belief that "they" always seem to be in the right place at the right time, "they" always seem to be in the interesting conversations, meeting the interesting people, seeing the cool sights, going to the best parties, ordering the tastiest meal and so on… and I am always the "looser", always making the wrong decision, going to the wrong places, sitting with the wrong people.
This has effected my decision making, because when making a decision, as where to go, or who to be with, once the decision is done, I automatically feel like I've made a mistake, like I should have chosen otherwise, and so I try to avoid making decisions and keeping all my options open until the very last minute, which obviously I haven't realized that by avoiding making decisions in the attempt to keep all doors open, I am closing the doors of opportunities that can't wait till the last minute, and this has happened many times, but I have justified it to myself that it's ok, and that I don't really care, because I have created myself as a personality of "waiting till the last minute" in order to keep my options open, and I will defend this personality even when I see it is not serving me. I have not realized that "waiting for the last minute" is not who I am but a personality / character I have created myself as in order to not miss out, within the attempt to fool the system - as if I will wait till the last minute I will make the most educated decision and will not miss out on all the good things I always perceive myself to miss out on - but I have created within this an endless loop of not actually living at all, because I am always waiting for the good opportunity while missing all that is here at the moment.
This constant feeling within me of missing out, creates constant inner conflict within me, because I don't allow myself to simply be here, within recognizing that many things are happening in every moment but I can practically only be in one place at a time, and do one thing at a time, and because I don't allow myself to simply be here, in breath, to be where I am at, to do what I am doing - I am actually creating the very experience as of missing out as I am deliberately missing out on myself, missing every breath I take - missing it because I am too busy with fear of missing it. As I participate in this construct there is always back chat in my mind, telling me what I should have done, where I should have gone, who I should be with - and in my mind, the answer is never here, my mind is never content with here, it always wants me to be there - "there" is always better than "here" no matter what. Always.
I realize that allowing this construct to exist within me and direct me is a form of self sabotage, thus, it's time to stop.
In my next blog I will start with the self forgiveness process.
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