Thursday, January 24, 2013
this is continuing my previous blogs
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be inadequate because my sister was better than me in the games we played
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, each time I would play with my sister and lose, accumulate it as a memory proving my inadequacy, within this allowing myself to give up on myself, as believing I will not win the game any way because I am inadequate, and thus I stopped even trying, I would play within an energetic experience of knowing it is pointless
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value winning within playing a game, and have not allowed myself to play for the pure and unconditional enjoinment of the game
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the winning or losing of the game instead of allowing myself to enjoy the game within the doing of it, simply playing within a starting point of enjoinment rather within the starting point of winning
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that because I had placed value on winning the game, and have defined myself according to if I won or not, I did not allow myself to enjoy the game and expand within it, but rather I allowed myself to become limited within participating in the cycle of losing and thus believing myself to be inadequate, and thus not even trying and thus not improving / expanding, and thus losing more as proving myself right, and so on, until I have integrated the character of being inadequate as myself, and have not questioned it since.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play within an emotional state of anxiety as within fear of losing the game again, within this I see now that I have allowed myself to become aggressive towards my sister within blaming her for my emotional experience of inadequacy, not realizing that it was me who have placed value on winning and have defined myself according to winning or losing, and thus it was me who have allowed myself to believe that if I lose I must be inadequate instead of seeing it as a point of learning and expanding within asking my sister to teach me and help me with my learning of the skill, within allowing myself to take the time and put in the effort of learning the skill - thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent my sister because of believing myself to be less than her, instead of being grateful that I have someone to learn from and within humbleness allow myself to expand and learn through seeing her as an example
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my pride, as I couldn't bring myself to admit that I am less than her, even though it was clearly that she was more skillful than me at that time, thus, instead of being humble and allowing myself to learn from her and expand, I reacted within taking it personally and thus believing myself to be inferior, not allowing myself to learn and open up, but instead to build up resentment and blame towards her, within this I have dictated our relationship for the next year as I have resented her for being good at what she was doing, as well as I have dictated for myself not to push myself and try when I see effort needs to be applied, because I would go immediately into the experience of inadequacy, and thus give up before even actually trying
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be self honest with myself in seeing myself as competitive and allowing myself to express myself as such, rather than suppressing the competitiveness by going into giving up and the experience of inadequacy to avoid the competition within fear of losing
When and as I participate in an activity and see myself as less than another, I stop myself and breathe, I support myself within breath to not allow myself to go into the experience of inadequacy, and instead I practically see what I can do in order to expand and perfect myself within this skill, I commit myself to see within common sense and practicality if this is something I was to perfect myself within and if so, to find the practical steps of doing so, without allowing myself to go into the mind, as I have realized that it is counter productive, as going into the mind within believing myself to be inadequate results instead of improving to further self limitation
When and as I see myself going into competition within giving value to winning the game / activity rather than enjoying myself within and as it, I stop myself and breathe, I realize nothing good can come out of it, I will either win and go into superiority and identify with that character, or I would lose and will go into inferiority and identify myself with that, thus I commit myself, when playing or participating in any activity that I see myself valuing the winning instead of the activity itself, I support myself with breath, and bring myself back to the physical and push myself to physically participate in what I am doing, while stopping my participation with the mind as competition
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