Day 46 - Depression - Part 4 - Positive Reinforcement - Self Forgiveness & Corrective Statement

 

this is a follow up to my previous blogs:

Day 43 - Signs of Depression

Day 44 - Depression - Part 2 - The Cycle of Worthlessness

Day 45 - Depression - Part 3 - Positive Reinforcement

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on positive reinforcement to be able to assess myself and recognize if I'm on the right track, within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within not trusting myself to know within myself within/as self honesty if I'm in the "right direction" so to speak

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to receive positive reinforcement when I do things as I should and I haven't realized the impracticality of such an expectation, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the world doesn't revolve around me and thus when I do things as I should there isn't a committee set up to applaud me, within this I realize I have been programmed to believe I am special and loved through positive reinforcement and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept such construct as program to exist within me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the inherent limitation I have accepted as myself through the expectation for positive reinforcement and I haven't allowed myself to see the influence this construct has had on my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to positive reinforcement as the positive feeling I would get when being positively reinforced, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within being addicted to positive reinforcement, as with any addiction, I am not self directive because I will do anything as manipulation/deception to get the high positive energy, and will lash out on beings that don't supply my drug as positive reinforcement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out at beings, in words or in my mind, for not giving me positive reinforcement as the drug I crave, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify the lashing out at others through the belief/desire they should give me positive reinforcement, and within that I have created a belief that they are going through a ego problem for not giving me the positive reinforcement I believe I deserve

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame beings that don't give me the positive reinforcement that I believe I require in order to define myself as positive, and within going into blame I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind as back chat compounding the blame and justification, instead of realizing that like any addict I am responding through/as the addiction and thus cannot be trusted until I detoxify all the drug out of my system, through not allowing myself to accept positive reinforcement until I am satisfied that I can stand stable without it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in my mind, spite/revenge beings when they do not supply me with the positive reinforcement I am expecting and within that to allow myself to be nasty in my thoughts within the justification that "they deserve it" for not giving me my drug, and besides "I am not harming anybody" because it's only in my mind, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate within self honesty the consequences of participating within/as thoughts and to simply allow myself to participate with them, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the direct outflow of my participation with spiteful/revengeful thoughts as lashing out towards the other being in my mind, as the direct outflow is my allowing and accepting myself to abuse through first allowing spiteful thoughts to then allow spiteful words and then spiteful deeds towards them disregarding them as life simply because they haven't supplied me with the "hit" of positive reinforcement I was looking for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be positively reinforced instead of pushing myself to stand as self support and stability within not needing others to validate/confirm me because I would be stable within/as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be special and within that to expect everyone around me to be so impressed with me when I do things as I should, instead of looking at it within practicality as when things are done as they should be why would anything need to be mentioned, expecting a remark when I do things as I should implies that I do not expect myself to do as I should and that I expect my environment not to expect me to do as I should, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within the expectation to receive a positive reinforcement I am implying that I do not actually expect me to succeed in what I am doing, and thus within it hide a form of self belittlement, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive positive reinforcement as a positive construct of support and I haven't seen that within it there is an implication of diminishment as an initial expectation for failure and thus a surprise as support when succeed, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the deceptive nature within positive reinforcement as a construct to keep being within a self belief of not being good enough and thus require the positive reinforcement, instead of giving actual support as suggestions for improvement within an expectation for perfection

 

Self Commitment

I commit myself to, through a process of writing myself out within self forgiveness and self corrective statements, to establish self trust within myself, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from relying on positive reinforcements to "tell" me who I am and within that to "know if I'm on the right track" but instead to know who I am as myself within self honesty

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself in search of external validation

I commit myself to stop the addiction to positive reinforcement through the realization that it is in fact a self diminishing construct and I will not allow myself to participate within it anymore, thus I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself fall into the pattern of desire for positive reinforcement

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when and as I see myself go into thoughts/desires of being special/the center of the universe, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into back chat as expectation/blame for not getting the positive reinforcement I believe I should get, within this I realize the extent programming I have accepted due to my participation within/as positive reinforcement and I commit myself to stop myself within giving others positive reinforcement because I see the destructive/abusive nature of such a construct

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself lashing out at other being, within words or in the mind, for not giving me positive reinforcement and instead I commit myself to see such points as a gift given to self by them, a gift that allows me to assess myself if/where I can expand my application more, as well as to see if the desire for positive reinforcement still exists within/as me, to notice that, and forgive myself within/as self support, within that I commit myself to practice gratefulness towards beings that do not give me positive reinforcement because through them I can see my addiction and walk through it

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from participating within/as positive reinforcement, within this I commit myself to stop myself when/as I see myself going into manipulation to try and get positive reinforcement from those around me, when/as I see myself trying to get positive reinforcement I stop and breath, I bring myself back here, and remind myself that the positive feeling is an energetic experience as a drug to an addict and is not real as life, and thus I do not in fact require it, I commit myself to, through breath, bring myself here and prove to myself again and again that all I require is being here within breath.

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself giving others or about to give others positive reinforcement, I commit myself to find within/as myself the practical wording to actually support the being and not use positive reinforcement just because it feels nice, but to consider the other as well as myself and to stop myself from participating within the construct of positive reinforcement

I commit myself to through writing and practical common sense to learn how to support another as myself within stopping myself as the pattern of giving/desiring positive reinforcement and instead to focus on the practical physicality to direct any situation within support

I commit myself to investigate thoughts and the consequences of thoughts as to not allow myself to excuse myself from taking responsibility for my thoughts through the participation within ignorance as the excuse that "it's not harming anyone" without actually taking the time and walking the process of investigating all thoughts to be able to make that statement

I commit myself to stop myself from making assumptions without investigating the point for myself in fact, as the assumption of "thoughts can't hurt/harm anyone"

I commit myself, within realizing the direct outflow of thoughts being words/deeds, to stop myself within/as breath when and as I see myself participate within thoughts of spite/revenge towards others for not giving me the energetic high I wanted for my addiction of positive reinforcement

I commit myself to excellence and perfection, within this I commit myself to do things to the fullest and not allow myself to accept anything less than 100%, within this I realize the advantage of not getting positive reinforcement as it supports mediocrity as a form of saying "it's good enough". Thus I commit myself to stop myself within breath when I see myself accepting mediocrity as accepting from myself less than my full application according to the moment within common sense and self honesty

I commit myself to myself, I commit myself to establishing self trust through writing, self forgiveness, corrective statement and walking the correction within and as breath, day by day, breath by breath

Day 45 - Depression - Part 3 - Positive Reinforcement

I've come to see that any point of depression within me is indicating, beneath all the mind fuck and bullshit, that I am not applying myself effectively, that I am not satisfied with myself as life. I am showing myself that I am not standing as support of all life. And since I know this within myself, I can't stand myself for it – thus Depression.

But, instead of stopping myself within/as the mind, instead of taking the hint and standing up within rage to face myself as how I have allowed myself and the world to reach this point of abuse and self distraction, instead of standing up within the self commitment to change myself into a being that actually supports oneself and all life as myself within equality because I realize that nothing will ever change if even I can't change, instead of pushing myself to become a being of dignity, integrity and self respect… Instead of all that, I go into depression, I hide from myself deeper and deeper in my mind's deepest cave, as if hoping, that maybe, deep in the cave, self honesty will not find me.

Within this i realize the silliness of it all. Self honesty is all around me showing me the problems as they exist in the world, showing me all that needs correction, showing me how I am responsible and showing me what I got to do to change… I hide within depression hoping that self honesty as life won't find me… Is that a joke?… Self honesty is within me as me, and is all around me, everywhere in reality, self honesty is reality in fact, the physical reality, thus it cannot be escaped... So how the hell do I expect to hide from myself as life as the physical reality as self honesty? It’s simply not possible!! 

One cannot hide from oneself within self honesty, self is always here. One cannot hide, but can only postpone the inevitable, the inevitable being death, and I don't know yet what exactly happens at or after death because I haven't yet been there myself, but what I'm pretty sure about is that one stops existing within ones physical body, thus, anything you require your body to do (which is every damn thing as far as I know) you better do before your death, and since we don't know when death will be knocking at our doors, we better do it NOW.

So, I see that I am using depression to hide from myself and not take self responsibility, I realize that I have been using depression to try and avoid myself because I know within self honesty that I am not applying myself as I am able to in order to be satisfied with myself from perspective that in death I can stand within myself and face whatever judgment day that comes my way.

This is what I've seen so far as a general construct of depression, now I want to look further in specificity, to see what are the points within me that trigger this construct. One trigger point is the self judgment of being worthless as I've written in yesterday's blog, and here I will write about the point of the dependency I have on positive reinforcement.

 

There is within me a desire to be special/unique/one of a kind/the best/important/valuable/good… as long as I am reassured by people in my environment, that I am one or all of these aspects/definitions then I am "OK", which really means that with each positive reinforcement i get a hit of high/positive energy to keep me going within/as the addictions to happy/sweet/good feelings that come along with the high/positive energy. But if I don’t get it, I feel lacking and immediately allow myself to go into the polarity of believing I must be bad/unworthy/worthless/ ordinary/wrong…

Within this point of positive reinforcement I see that I require validation from others in order to assess myself, within that, when I don't get from others the positive energetic rush I am looking for through validating me, I will crash/fall into the other side of the polarity within believing that since I didn't get the positive feedback I must be the negative.

through opening this construct up, I am able to see many points I have been participating within: I've allowed myself to exist within/as polarities, to be addicted to the good/positive energetic reactions as feelings, to define myself according to a polarity construct and to define myself according to how others perceive/judge me, and thus to not only judge myself based on a polarity but to base that judgment on what I perceive others think of me or judge me for.

Through my participation within/as this construct of dependency on positive reinforcement, I have been allowing self abuse, self diminishment and self sabotage, instead of allowing the "negative feelings" to show myself back to myself in self honesty as self support, within realizing: "ho fuck, I am participating in polarity, I am allowing myself to be a slave to emotions/feelings, I am allowing myself to be addicted to positive/sweet energetic experiences and thus am allowing myself to be manipulated and manipulate others to satisfy this addiction, I am defining myself according to what others think of me or judge me for"…. I have not allowed myself to see all this as a point of self realization as self support, I have not allowed myself to stop myself within/as breath, I have not allowed myself to commit myself to never again accept myself as self abuse through stopping myself within participating with these construct/patterns… I have not allowed myself to face myself but instead I have allowed myself to fall into depression within believing the negative feelings to be "true" while not realizing that I am making it true only through my participation within it.

 

Self Forgiveness & Corrective Statements in the following blogs

Day 44 - Depression - Part 2 - The Cycle of Worthlessness

 

this is a follow up to my previous blog: Day 43 - Signs of Depression

 

The cycle of self worthlessness is a vicious one because it feeds off of itself, the more you believe yourself to be worthless the less you apply yourself in the physical and thus prove to yourself your worthlessness, because you are not practically doing anything of worth, as in not moving/applying yourself in the physical, so within observing this, your self belief in regards to worthlessness grows stronger and stronger the more you participate with it. within this cycle one must realize that self is creating this through self's participation and acceptance and thus only self can get self out of the cycle.

For me, my feeling/self belief of worthlessness comes up a lot through comparison and competition, I see around me very effective/successful human-beings, effective and successful through my perspective of course, and then I compare myself to them, I evaluate myself according to them, and more often than not I deem myself less than them, and thus worthless. Obviously, in order to create myself as self worthlessness I do not compare myself to just any one, I select a few that I perceive them to be effective/successful and judge myself according to them. And not even according to them but rather according to specific aspects of them, the specific aspects that I value and admire within them. I will judge myself in relation to these specific aspect within them, not allowing myself to see it is just specific aspects that I am looking at, but will perceive it to be the total definition of both them and myself, and then the result of this will be judging/defining myself as being worthless.

If I was a scientist, I would gave to say that my research is pre determined and bias - I do not have a fair representation of population and I am not considering the entity of the being, but only looking at specific aspects within them, from a starting point of looking for proof that I am worthless and that exactly what I will find.

Just like with the endless cycle, here too I am heading myself in for a fall, I am creating the experience of worthlessness to myself and by myself, and then I forget I have created it and believe it to be the truth. All this instead of stopping allowing myself to abuse myself within participating and recreating the cycle of worthlessness, and to accept myself as life within realizing that I am here, I am alive, and I am not actually really defined by the ideas/opinions/definitions I have attached to myself and the same goes for anybody else. Non of us are actually defined by anything except for being equal as life, that is the only definition that can stand the test of time, and that seams to be the only thing that has been overlooked.

I see now that depression is connected to the point of self worth, as long as I do not value myself as equal to/as life I will always find ways to prove to myself that I am worthless and within believing myself to be worthless I am excusing myself from actually participating and taking responsibility for myself as this world, I realize that as long as I keep comparing myself to others through defining our value according to our skills I will keep on trapping myself in the cycle of self worthlessness, until I stop. Stopping within the understanding that any form of self diminishing is indicating to me that I am not accepting myself as who I am as life, and is in fact an endless cycle that leads me further and further from myself as realizing myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as self worthlessness

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as life, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to exist as life but instead I have allowed myself to exist as the mind within separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself in the cycle of worthlessness, not realizing that the cycle can only go on as long as I believe it, participate within it and thus create it, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually be worthless through accepting myself as worthlessness and I haven’t allowed myself to see that believing I am worthless is an illusion of the mind created through comparison as separation to keep me trapped within/as the mind to never realize myself as life

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I am creating myself as worthless through my participation within the cycle of worthlessness through believing myself to be worthless and thus within this belief, I do not apply myself, do not push myself to excellence only to prove myself right, and thus allow myself to actually be worthless through not applying myself within/as the physical to create a world worth living in and to create myself as a being that is worth living through valuing myself as life as all life and supporting all life within allowing myself to exist as dignity and integrity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within participating within/as worthlessness to stop myself from actually doing all that needs to be done to create a world worth living in, a world that all life is equally worthy, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used the self belief of being worthless as a justification to not push myself and do all in my ability to actually live as self worth because I have believed my own creation of self worthlessness and thus gave up on myself as the world without even trying to do/change anything, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as life and all life as one, and within that to do all I can do to be worthy of life through creating a life worth living to all

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have always been creating myself as worthlessness, and thus have always had the ability to stop myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as worthlessness within self diminishment as self abuse as not allowing myself to expand and express myself as life because I have allowed myself to limit myself within the belief of being worthless and thus did not allow myself to challenge that idea of myself through always proving me right by remaining worthless in my actions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-value on my skills and abilities, and within that to evaluate myself according to others, thus to define myself as more or less according to whom I am comparing myself to, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as worthlessness through comparing myself to specific aspects/skills of others that I define better than me, and thus to intentionally compare myself to them to prove to myself my worthlessness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as worthless through comparing myself to others within finding points/aspects within them that they are better/more than me, and thus within looking at both of us through a very narrow lens that only sees this specific aspect I judge them as worthy and myself as worthless, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use comparison as a tool for self support to, through other beings in my environment, see how I can expand myself further, but instead I have used it as a tool of self diminishment as believing myself to be worthless in comparison to others, and thus not allow myself to expand within equalizing myself to them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself (and others) as good/bad and worthy/worthless through grading myself in relation to specific skills/abilities/performances that I have defined as important/valuable and within that have not allowed myself to see me within the totality of myself as life, not as a list of skills/abilities but as a living being that is valuable through the mere fact of being alive, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value life unconditionally but have placed a condition as a list of skills/performances that one must exist as to deserve the right to live as worthy, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the extent of abuse that I am allowing within this construct, just as the world system that exist today that permits people a dignified life only within the condition of them being successful in the eyes of the system.

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into the character of worthlessness, because I have seen the deception and abusive nature of this character and thus I commit myself to stopping myself from accepting myself as this character

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself go into comparison, and to direct any point within me towards self support within changing my starting point from comparison as self diminishment into comparison as self expansion

When and as I see myself giving value to skills/performances I stop and breathe, I realize that all are equal as life unconditionally, life doesn't require any skill/performance to exist as life and thus I commit myself to show that any value system, creating a grading skill as worthy and not worthy, is the source of all abuse within the current system as we have forgotten that all are equally alive and thus are equally valuable and equally worthy to a dignified/supportive life

Day 43 - Signs of Depression

 

I've been waking up every morning 10-30 minutes before my alarm goes off, and every time I had gone back to sleep, to "win" those precious minutes of sleep instead of simply waking up and “winning" them as being awake - alive.

I've written about this point before and I've seen that the high value I place on sleep is essentially a sign of depression, through escaping myself as life within my daily responsibilities.

Yesterday I was told I have an expression of sadness in my eyes, it took me by surprise because I try to present myself as a happy expression, so it is surprising when people can see through the mask and into the deeper me.

I’ve never allowed myself to explore that point because I have always feared falling into depression, I always knew it was there but have been resisting opening that box up, due to the fear of what I might find in it… and even worse, what if I can't close/clear/ignore the content of the box, and will stay in a state of depression for ever…

When I was about 16 years old I learnt that my grandmother had suffered from depression all her life, I think that it might have been the cause for the fear, because it's known to be hereditary and thus I was worried that if I just trigger it in any way, and let it show it's head, it will have me, I will be lost in depression.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to be able to see/face myself as sadness/depression and accordingly correct and change myself while remaining stable within and as myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore myself as sadness/depression within fear of not being able to control/handle it and thus within fear of remaining depressed forever, within this i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust me to be here as breath, within the understanding that i am the creator of depression within/as myself and thus i have the ability to assist and support myself to stand, as I’m the directive principle as the one that decide who I am in every moment of ever breath, within this i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the story/situation of my grandmother onto myself and thus create a fear within me in regards to someone else's experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling into depression, and within that to create myself as a happy character, as a mask to hide any sign of sadness behind, and thus to suppress myself through not allowing myself to see myself as sad, instead of allowing myself to face myself as who I am in each moment within realizing that my experience is the consequence of who I have allowed myself to be, and thus only through allowing myself to face myself can I see the point within its source/origin and change myself accordingly as self correction to support myself as life, within this i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by hiding myself from myself I am living as self suppression within fear and allowing the source point to accumulate uninterrupted, as I go along deceiving myself into believing I am happy because I have become so used to my happy character that I have created

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate sadness within/as myself instead of allowing myself to within self honesty face each point/experience as it appears in the moment, to be able to see it, breathe through it, walk the correction and "be done with it", instead of suppressing it within not allowing myself to step out of my happy character, not allowing myself to admit and see/face the point of pain/sorrow within me due to fear of what i might find, and self doubt in regards to not trusting myself to be able to stay stable here within/as breath within opening up such points

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into sadness/depression when thinking of all the abuse going on in the world and knowing I have been living my life ignoring all the pain/abuse/suffering because I was "lucky" to be born in a supportive environment, and thus I feel guilty for not having to suffer when others do, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into sadness/guilt/depression as a way of self deception to bring myself to a form of being paralyzed as a way to excuse myself from doing all in my ability/power to do to change reality so that no one needs to suffer ever again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into depression as my way to get myself out of the game, so to speak, as a way to excuse myself from having to do anything because I am sad/depressed. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the social acceptance where being sad/depressed is a treated as an illness as if one cannot function at top of ones ability due to accepting sadness/depression to take over as mind possession, and thus being sad/depressed has been used by myself and society as an excuse to not take responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad/depressed within fear of being alone, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone and within that to create dependencies on other beings in my environment, to then when thinking about not being around them any more I become sad/depressed within/as fear being alone, as well as fear of loss

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that fear of loss as well as fear of being alone are mind created fears, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop my participation with fear of loss as well as fear of being alone and to thus allow myself to be directed by the fears within creating a dependency on others, only to, when thoughts of the future within the possibility of losing them come up, allow myself to go into sadness/depression, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my thoughts as future projections/fear more than life, here in the moment as the physical, and to thus compromise myself as life here, to entertain myself as thoughts in the mind, to create energetic reactions within me, to then be directed by the energy and not move myself within self direction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, within seeing myself as unworthy and within this to create inner resentment towards myself that has accumulated into a sadness/depression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as less than the idea I have about myself as who I should have been, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others within the assumption that they are living out the idea I had set out for myself, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a competition within my mind where I am always the looser, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide all of this from myself within shame through creating myself as the happy/confident character to show everyone around me that I am not a looser, while in the process suppressing myself to such an extent that now, when I am here and ready to face myself I cannot easily see/find the points within myself as the actual source of sadness/depression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself through creating myself as happy character to cover up the actual feelings of shame/self judgment I’ve been experiencing, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as those experiences instead of allowing myself to deal with them as self support within self honesty

I commit myself to when going into fear of loss as well as fear of being alone I stop myself within/as breath, I realize that these fears exist through my participation with them, and thus I make a directive decision to stop myself as the fear and breathe myself back here to the physical, here as life, where fear does not exist, I realize that any participation within fear is a mind manipulation to keep me trapped as the mind and not able to see reality as the physical as one and equal

I commit myself to stop myself within the experience of sad/depressed because I realize it is an energetic experience opening the back door for me to get out of my responsibilities, I commit myself to investigate within self honesty the source point of sadness/depression to be able to stand within/as it and not allow it to direct me

I commit myself to allow myself to see/face points within myself as sadness because I realize that they are there, and thus to change myself within the point I must face it

I commit myself to further investigate the point of depression within me, until I am satisfied that I can direct myself within/as the point, I commit myself to support myself, to not compromise within this point and to push through the resistance until I am done with it, and am here, within/as breath, within self trust and self worthiness.

Day 42 - Being a Burden on others

I have an experienced myself many times as being a burden on those around me. this experience makes it hard for me to ask for help because I come to ask for help from within a starting point of believing that I'm a burden/nuisance , and then as a result I create myself as burden/nuisance and the other being will pick up on it, and treat me as such. I then will go into my victimized character as if I'm this helpless being that, on the one hand, needs the other being's help, and on the other hand blame them for being impatient with me. Within this I manipulate myself into believing that they are the cause for my feeling as a nuisance/burden, not allowing myself to see that I have created the situation through my starting point as the self belief of being a burden.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a burden on others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask for help from a starting point of believing I am a burden, within that not realizing that I am creating myself as a burden through participating within/as the starting point of believing I am a burden

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for giving me a feeling that I am a burden to them while they help me and give me assistance, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the point of blame is actually reflecting me back to me because I know within self honesty that I am the cause/responsible for my feeling of being a burden through participation within the starting point of being a burden, and thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am the sole creator of myself as a burden within feeling I am a burden/nuisance to others, and thus I realize that no one else is to blame for the experience I create within/as myself through my  direct participation as my starting point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself to be a burden based on memories of people making fun of me for asking too many questions, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in the past as memory and to recreate the past experience/emotion through participating within the starting point of that which I brought as myself from the past, thus not allowing myself to get our of the loop as I keep recreating it again and again through memory

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask for assistance/help within a starting point of desire for attention, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself , when I recognize that the other is not giving me the attention I am looking for and thus I will not get the high energy I wanted, to allow myself to go into the polarity of believing I am being a burden, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within/as emotions when I do not get the attention I was looking for, and  to be directed by the emotion within the desire for feeling good while avoiding feeling bad, thus to manipulate myself within the situation to create a good feeling within/as myself, instead of allowing myself to see within/as self honesty how this construct play out, and stopping myself from participating within/as it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate those around me through asking their help in order to get attention, and within that to then blame them when they do not give me the 'loving' attention I was hoping for, instead of taking self responsibility for myself within realizing the deception/manipulation I have been participating within only for my own self interest as getting a high energetic feeling at the expense of others, and then when I do not get what I wanted I become spiteful within blaming them for making me feel like I am a burden, while I have allowed the situation to unfold through my desire for attention/good feelings

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing to learn/investigate the point I am asking for help in regards to, and thus not allowing myself to be independent within the point, but instead I'd rather abdicate my responsibility within allowing myself to count/depend on others instead of walking the process of learning how to apply myself and thus not be dependent but able to stand independently, within this I realize that there are points that will take time for me to learn thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be patient with myself within learning something new but instead to define myself as "I'm not good at that" or "I don't know that" and thus to not allow myself to approach that point within practicality, and thus stay in the loop of asking others to assist me with points I am able within self honesty to learn and assist myself with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer not knowing how to do things and then be dependent on others to help me, rather then taking the time and walking the process to learn the point for myself, within this I realize that each time I ask for help in regards a point I know I could have learnt to do myself if I had given myself the opportunity, I go into the character of "I'm a burden" as a form of punishment of experiencing guilt for not knowing that which I was lazy to learn, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of once and for all learning the point within stopping the self belief that "I cannot do it" I go into guilt/shame and within that to the character of "I'm a burden" thus remaining in the loop of mind as characters, feeding off each other and creating more energy through conflict/emotions.

I commit myself to when I see myself experiencing myself as being a burden when asking for help, I stop myself and breathe, I check my starting point, I look at am I asking something from laziness/desire for attention or do I actually need assistance, if I see that I need the assistance I breathe and commit myself to get the help I need without allowing thoughts of me being a burden to possess me, within realizing that within those thought I allow myself to become a burden, if I see that I am asking from a starting point of being lazy/desire for attention, I stop myself within breath, and get off my ass and do what needs to be done through supporting myself to assist myself

I commit myself to take responsibility within learning points that I can assist myself with, and within that I commit myself to be patient with myself and allow myself to go through the process of learning new points to assist me with, and to stop myself within/as breath when I go into the belief of "I don't know how to do it" because I realize this is self manipulation to abdicate responsibility, and thus I stop.

Day 41 - Fear of Facing Myself within Shame - Self Forgiveness

Retracted from yesterday blog -  Day 40 - Fearing Judgment Day : 

So the first fear I must face is the fear of facing myself, within understanding that I, as self as life, am not who I am programed to be, I as life as self is not defined by the program, thus I must allow myself to see the program as myself, to see myself for who I have allowed myself to be, so that I can once and for all take responsibility and direct myself as support to all life, as that is the only way that I will be able to stand in the face of death without the shame I have now towards myself for not supporting life, the shame for ignoring life and allowing abuse, allowing pain, creating pain for my own personal interest, to get a good feeling that has been programed into me as sugar, to keep me running towards the temptations of the positive feelings and away from the negative, thus allowing myself to be a slave to my feelings/emotions, a lifeless robot that is moved and directed by cue, with no inner movement, no self will or self direction… is this who I want to be? Is this how I am accepting myself as?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as shame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself be ashamed of myself within taking who I am personally within believing who I am, as how I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, defines me and thus I go into shame as stating to myself that I am accepting myself as who I have defined myself as, instead of actually investigating myself and making a directive decision as to who I want to be from here on out, as living into the physical the principle  of what is best for all within equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself within the experience of shame, through not allowing myself to see/face myself due to fear/resistance of experiencing shame towards myself, within that allowing myself to be directed by the desire for "good" feelings while avoiding the "bad" feeling such as shame, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use shame as what is actually here as a tool of self support to assist me in seeing/realizing myself as who I have accepted myself to be and from the point of seeing/realizing myself to push myself to change, and within this to stop allowing myself exist within/as shame.

within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the desire for "good" feelings and avoidance of "bad" feelings within not realizing that this is how I have enslaved myself to/as the mind as being directed blindly through good/bad feelings instead of directing myself as what is best for all within self honesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within shame within not realizing that who I am as that which I am ashamed of does not actually define me as life, and thus I can, within self will/movement, change myself in to a being that supports all life

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use the experience of shame as a toll, to investigate that which I experience shame towards and to decide within/as self honesty who I want to be within/as the point, considering all life as a whole and not only my self interest, because I have realized that any self interest that compromise life is of the mind as separation, and thus a point that later comes up as shame towards self

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear shame within/as myself instead of using it as self support to expose/face myself, to allow myself to see within self honesty who I have allowed myself to become and take self responsibility accordingly and change myself as what is best for all within every point that I shame

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate points of shame because I didn't want to let go of the value system I have been existing as within points I experience shame towards, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defined myself according to the value system I was taught by my parents/society and within that allow myself to judge myself within the experience of shame when I do not stand as the value I was taught by the system, not realizing the extent of mind control within that as suppressing my self-expression, and not accepting myself as myself due to ideas of values and morality that I have accepted without considering life within/as the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of myself within believing that that which I am ashamed of defines me, not realizing that within self will/movement I have the ability to change myself and to become a being that I will not be ashamed of because I will know I am living according to what I have decided to live as, within a self directed decision, and thus I realize that participating within/as shame is a self manipulation to not take responsibility and to actually change, but to prefer the self punishment in form of the negative feeling as shame instead of actually changing within/as the physical

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use shame as self manipulation to get myself out of looking/investigating a point within/as myself due to not wanting to take self responsibility, within the desire to remain within/as my self interest while not considering all life as what is best for all but to stay in my small bubble of self interest and shame not allowing myself to change myself into/as support of all life

I commit myself to stop myself within/as shame because I realize it is a self manipulation keeping me from changing within existing as separation from myself and the physical reality as life, and staying trapped in the mind as shame/judgment

I commit myself to show that shame is a self manipulation to get self out of taking self responsibility within this physical reality and remaining trapped within/as the mind as judgment and fear, within this I commit myself to take each point of shame within me as a gift of life and forgive myself within making a directive decision to change as what is best for all, because I know within self honesty that only that which is best for all is actually best for me within the consideration of living shamelessly and only within living that which is best for all can I face myself at my judgment day and stand with no regrets for all that I've accepted and allowed as myself

I commit myself to look at all points of shame and to investigate within self honesty if the point is valid within perspective of is it showing me myself as my participation within  a mind created point of self interest, and thus I will change myself within/as it, or if the point is not valid, within showing me a point I am judging myself for, due to beliefs/values that I have accepted from my parents/society, and thus ,I look at the value system I have placed and clear myself form the value system that has directed me through allowing myself to judge myself and others within it.

I commit myself to walk a day by day process of stopping the mind within/as breath through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements, because I have realized that being directed by the mind is not trust worthy as the mind as all beliefs/emotions/feelings are a lie within not actually being here as reality as the physical, and thus I realize that in order to birth myself as life from the physical I must allow myself to let go all that is familiar through my habit of participating with and believing the mind, and to reestablish myself as life here within/as the physical in every breath

Day 40 - Fearing Judgment Day

When I die, I want to die with no regrets, with no shame of who I have allowed myself to be, I want to die knowing I actually lived as life, and not as a robot that didn't even program itself, but has been pre-programed and just accept it and thus acted from within the program, not knowing who I am, how I came to become who I am, why I do what I do….

I have been simply following the program as myself, a program made as feelings/emotions/desires/fears/ opinions/beliefs…. I have define myself as all these, believing these voices in my head and energetic reactions within myself to be me, as what I have been programed as my mind… thus allowing myself to be trapped in the program instead of stopping and living for real.

How is it that I allowed myself to act/live/behave only within/as the program, and have not stopped for a moment to evaluate for myself - is this who I want to be? Am I considering life as a whole? Am I going to continue allowing myself to ignore within deliberate forgetfulness the rest of life that doesn't concern me within my self interest simply because they are not in my immediate environment? 

I have allowed myself to be directed by fears, I live through hiding and running away from my fears, not even considering that the point of stability will be attained when I hit rock bottom, like a marble at the bottom of a bowl, where I will know there is no where lower to fall to… that's when I can see that that which I have feared the most didn't kill me, and then I can let it go.

But do I actually need to get there, do I need to lose everything and manifest all my fears into the actual physical reality in order to wake the fuck up from this pre-programed so called life I have been participating in? Or will I take self responsibility and clear myself from all the fears that I have created within/as myself and have allowed myself to participate with and be directed by, so I know within self trust that they will not direct me ever again, that I will not allow myself to be directed by them, so I can stop allowing myself to be a slave to them, and can trust myself to actually do what is best for all life.

I have been allowing myself to live within great shame of who I am, taking who I am personally, believing it to be me as the definition of me as who I am, and thus not allowing myself to see/face myself because of the fear of facing the guilt and shame for what I have allowed myself to do and who I've allowed myself to be in this reality.

So the first fear I must face is the fear of facing myself, within understanding that I, as self as life, am not who I am programed to be, I as life as self is not defined by the program, thus I must allow myself to see the program as myself, to see myself for who I have allowed myself to be, so that I can once and for all take responsibility and direct myself as support to all life, as that is the only way that I will be able to stand in the face of death without the shame I have now towards myself for not supporting life, the shame for ignoring life and allowing abuse, allowing pain, creating pain for my own personal interest, to get a good feeling that has been programed into me as sugar, to keep me running towards the temptations of the positive feelings and away from the negative, thus allowing myself to be a slave to my feelings/emotions, a lifeless robot that is moved and directed by cue, with no inner movement, no self will or self direction… is this who I want to be? Is this how I am accepting myself as?

But how is it done? Through stopping the mind, stopping all thoughts within/as breath, as breath is here in every moment within/as/of reality, and thus breath is an anchor to self, here as the physical, one with reality. To within breath stop all thoughts as I have realized that thoughts are the 'behind scene director' of the program of my life, and thus cannot be trusted in any way, no matter how sweet they seem, and how tempting, thoughts/feelings/beliefs are all part of the program, manipulating me to lose myself in the mind as I compromise myself here within/as the physical, and within this manipulated-forgetfulness I forget about all the other beings in the world/reality, just for getting what I desire as a good feeling…

In my next blog I will continue opening up this point further with Self Forgiveness

Day 39 - I am being abused

In my last two blogs (Day 37, Day 38) I wrote about accepting abuse from others and believing that I was stable within it, as in believing that I didn't react because I did not react externally as expressing the point externally, but actually I did react as a suppressed energetic reaction within myself.

Today I will go deeper into why I reacted in the first place, because I have noticed that in my blog I was mostly going on about the point of the reaction as believing I am stable for not creating external conflict, but the fact of the mater was that internally I did in fact react and have accumulated the energy until a point of explosion for the accumulated energy to release.

So, what am I reacting to within this context, what is the "I am being abused" point that I am referring too? What do I consider to be abusive? What am I defining as abuse? What does it mean to me when I am being "spoken down upon"? What is triggering reactions within me that I suppress and turn into blame within a manipulation to not take responsibility and to thus allow myself to be trapped within/as my mind as an organic robot operating through fuzzy logic, while not standing accountable for myself because I have no clue as to how I got here and how/why I created these reactions/ideas/beliefs/judgments within me.

There is a specific tonality when people speak, they can ask me something simple, like to make them coffee for example, and they can say it in a way that I will do it happily, I wouldn't mind doing it, I will even get a nice feeling inside for them asking me and for me being able to help/assist them (I see now this too is a form of energetic reaction, and thus must be investigated and cleared as well as the other side of the polarity). The other option is that they can say it in a way that I will react within myself like feeling a physical contraction within my chest/stomach, and it has to do with "how" they say it.

So one point of reaction is the "how" I am asked to do things that make me go into a reaction of inferiority basically, feeling like they said it in a demeaning way.

Another point within this, is the "who" is asking, I realize that if someone that I look up to, that I respect as my superior, will ask me to do something I will not react as much as if someone I don't look up to will ask me, like a point that if I accept myself as inferior to the person I will be more likely to accept the demeaning tonality, but if it is someone that I do not accept myself as inferior to, then I would feel the physical stomach contraction more.

Actually coming to think of it, I would react in both cases, with the superior person I would simply suppress it even more due to defining myself already as less than and thus accepting the situation as legitimate for them to speak in a way that I have defined as demeaning, and with the person I don't see as superior I might get angry sooner within a point of "they are not better than me, why the hell do they allow themselves to talk to me like that" - this "talk to me like that" is what I am interesting in finding/investigating. Why is it that some thing is said and a specific way and I react as if I am being abused in fact.

The interesting thing is that I experience such situations as being abusive/taken advantage of/ being out down/mocked/humiliated/, while nothing abusive took place actually, I was asked to do a task and then it was up to me to do it or not and to react within myself or not, and to express anything to the other person or not. The patter I participate in is to do what they ask, to react within myself but to suppress it and not say anything, but to accumulate the reaction. After this pattern has played out long enough I will snap and react within an explosion, letting out all the energy I have suppressed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the assumptions I place on a situation not realizing that I am separating myself form the situation and thus myself through seeing the world/reality/situation through a lens of my beliefs/ideas and thus not allow myself to actually see/hear what is being said here within/as the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to how people ask me things and thus to interpret their asking as a form of abuse as I perceive their asking me in a way that is demeaning/humiliating

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the reaction within me is a point of self support as showing me where I am defining myself as less than, and thus within every reaction I experience towards a being asking me to do something I commit myself to investigate the point so that I am not directed by the reaction and can walk within/as breath within/as common sense within/as the physical as who I am in fact, within realizing/understanding that I am not in fact the reaction I experience through my allowance, it is exactly that, an experience I have allowed within/as myself and within the ability to allow such experience I have the ability to stop allowing myself to react.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to how another asks me to do something within a self definition as being less than, and within the belief that if I oblige to what they ask I am confirming my inferiority, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize myself as equal and instead to define/judge/assess myself within a comparison and within a constant evaluating according to those around me, not realizing that I am not defined by those around me, I simply am who I am, and any definition is a self limitation tactic placed by the mind to keep me controlled within the reactions allow myself to go into when these definitions are compromised/challenged

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into inferiority when people express themselves in a way that I perceive to be demeaning, instead of communicating the point within breath, not allowing myself to react, but to simply correct the situation through communication and breath, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  fear conflict and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear of conflict and thus to suppress the reaction as inferiority and thus accumulate it until the next time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the other for how they express themselves within believing that they are abusing me with their words/tonality, and I haven't realize that by blaming them I am not allowing myself to see the point within myself that I define myself as less than, that was triggered, thus I forgive myself for not allowing myself to take responsibility as the creator of my experience but victimize myself and blame the other for abusing me

whatever the reason, if you still react to such words - the person is an outer demon showing your inner demons, speaking words/beliefs you may still hold about yourself - Sunette Spies

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate each and every reaction I experience within myself within realizing that if I react with energy to anything said to me I am actually saying such things to myself as self-judgment, thus I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I go into blaming another for abusing me and to investigate why/how I am abusing myself within self judgment/belief

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior and thus to react within inferiority when others are speaking in a way that I have defined to be demeaning

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pay more attention to how things are said instead of focusing on what is being said and within that to make a directive decision within/as self honesty as to weather I accept what is said or not and within that to act in respect to my acceptance, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself within a belief that I am being forced to do something that I do not want to do, while not realizing that it is just a mind manipulation to get me further away from seeing that I am and have always been the directive principle within/as my actions and thus am not forced to do anything, within that I forgive myself for believing that I am a victim not realizing that I am allowing myself to victimize myself and thus am responsible for the experience of myself as victim, within this I realize that by stopping myself as the mind within the self-beliefs of being inferior I will not allow myself to resort to self victimization to justify the feeling of inferiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify myself as inferior through believing that others are demeaning me instead of stopping myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior when being asked/told what to do because I have allowed myself to believe that those asking/telling me what to do have power over me, and I have not allowed myself o realize that within breath, I am the directive principle and thus I am the decider of what to do, and thus I am not inferior in fact and am not subject to what others say but only to myself, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to build myself as self trust within realizing myself as the directive principle and thus go into inferiority

I commit myself to stopping any points of inferiority within me, within realizing that I have created them as myself and within that have allowed myself to abuse myself and accept abuse instead of standing up as life and not accepting myself as anything less than life

I commit myself to breathing before acting within/as self support to slow myself down to be able to see myself within/as the energetic reaction I am participating in, within this I commit myself to slow myself down within/as breath and to direct myself within common sense  to act within the situation within realizing that I am the directive principle and thus am not a victim of anyone

I commit myself to walk this process of self investigation through writing, self forgiveness, self corrective statements within self honesty until I realize myself as life and no longer allow myself to suppress myself within the self belief of being inferior

Day 38 - Reacting through Not Reacting - Self forgiveness

Check out my previous blog:  Day 37 - Accepting abuse and then blowing up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea within myself that if I do not externally react to something it means I am stable / non reactive, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that as long as I am reacting within myself as an energetic reaction as a movement within/as myself I am in fact reacting, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place blame on another for apparently abusing me while not noticing that I have reacted within/as my mind and thus am a full participant/creator of the situation, thus I commit myself to allow myself to see/face within self honesty points within me that I react to/towards and to investigate all points of reaction so that I can trust myself and my perspectives on the world/reality around me, because of as the moment, as long as I am reacting within energy I know I cannot be trusted, thus, I commit myself to clear myself from any an all reactions through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements to be able to stop myself as the blame character and trust myself to actually support myself as life within common sense within/as the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrain myself from reacting in order to be able to blame the other for reacting/abusing and state within myself that I am stable and thus clear and thus am able to state that they are to blame, when in fact I have used this point as self manipulation to avoid taking self responsibility for myself as who I have accepted myself to become within the initial point of reacting to what the other had said or how they said it. I realize within this that as I walk the process of stopping participation with mind and investigating myself within self honesty to see who I am, what I am, why I do what I do and so forth, I must build myself as self honesty because I see how easy it is to manipulate myself within/as the tools of the process, and thus I commit myself to building self honesty within/as myself through always going back to self within never believing the mind constructs as blame because the moment I divert my attention to the other while I am still reacting I am missing me at that moment, missing an opportunity to see why I reacted, missing a chance to change within/as self support within/as breath.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself through pointing a blaming figure at the other while within a state of self righteousness, not allowing myself to see the reaction I am participating in as feeding the mind with energy, within this I  remind myself to always go back to the basics and bring it all back to self within humbleness as a self directed movement within self will to push myself more and more each day to expose more parts of myself that I have kept hidden, and within this I commit myself to notice the minor energetic reaction moving within me and when I experience it to simply stop and breathe, and keep on breathing as a directed movement, within realizing that the energy will pass and I will remain, thus I breathe, I let go the idea/opinion/backchat/desire to be right in my mind, and I breathe

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing  myself to be self honest with/as myself within a self willed movement to open up points of reaction as more clues to who I am and how I created myself as such, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself and not push in every moment to self realize to be able to trust/respect/accept myself within the realization that I actually know who I am as the basic step stone to whatever comes next within this process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within inferiority when being "spoken down upon" within that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to interpret specific words/tonalities as demeaning and thus when I hear them I react like an organic robot and go into inferiority, within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see my own reaction within/as myself and to switch my inner experience to superiority through believing that I didn't react when in fact I did

I commit myself to through breathing and consistency within walking this process, to allow myself to see my reactions and take responsibility for them within self forgiveness, because I realize this will take time and I realize I must push/move myself to make it happen, it being seeing myself for how I really am as who I accepted and allowed myself to be, and then change/align myself to an effective being walking as support of all life within the principle of equality as what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself within fear of conflict and disguise it as being superior for not reacting while all along accumulating the energetic reaction within/as myself up to a point where I lose control of the damn and it all comes flowing out in some way or another, thus bringing myself to a point where I do not know what I will do next, explosive with the energy I have accumulated, instead of taking responsibility for myself within and every little movement of energy and stop/clear myself within/as breath

I commit myself to checking myself on a daily basis, ad seeing if I had missed a point of reaction that I tried to manipulate myself within suppression, and within that I commit myself to take responsibility for each and every reaction within/as breath and self forgiveness to be sure that I will not explode uncontrollably by the accumulation of all the little reactions I deliberately/manipulatively ignored

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate reactions towards a person and then allow myself to explode and let out all the energy I have built up within myself not taking into consideration the total abdication of self responsibility within it all as I a, taking out on another the consequences of my own allowed/accepted behavior within allowing myself to be directed by the mind instead of being self directed within/as breath within self honesty in every moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my reaction within self manipulation that I am not in fact reacting in order to not bring myself to conflict with the being within not allowing myself to trust myself to be able to handle such conflict and the outcome of this is that I end up creating a much bigger conflict instead of being self directed within/as self trust and dealing with any/all conflict as they come up within self honesty and communication with the other, as sharing the point of reaction within me in order to build a more stable foundation for our relationship/communication, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my fear of conflict is creating bigger conflict in my life through the accumulation of resistance/fear of conflict within the energy building up and then having to blow up to release itself

I commit myself to pa attention and not allow myself to build up energy because 

I see the outflow of it and the destruction such behavior creates and I do not accept that any more, thus I commit myself to face every point of reaction/energy to be sure I am not accumulating it within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as less than according to how the other will speak to me, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take personally what/how others speak and react within inferiority to what/how they say, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept the other within their current expression within realizing that we are each walking our process, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the for not expressing themselves how I think they should, Instead of focusing on myself within the investigation of the trigger point as self definition that had created the reaction within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept abuse from others within the self manipulation that I shouldn't react, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept abuse from others within the justification that I am not reacting because I am stable when in fact I am not reacting because I fear facing the other in conflict because I don't yet trust myself to be able to handle face any situation, because I still allow myself to live in fear and self doubt which I simply showing me that I am still of the mind and have not yet allowed myself to be one with/as breath as I realize that only within the mind exist fear of the other, fear of conflict, fear of speaking up

I commit myself to keep on walking within building self honesty as self trust through writing, self forgiveness, and investigating all points, not leaving a point unturned, until I am able to trust myself and not to fear because I am here within/as breath

I commit myself to stopping myself within/as self judgment, when I am reacting I allow myself to be it from perspective of not hiding/suppressing it, and within allowing myself to be one with the reaction I stop myself as it, as myself, I stop myself. I am here, I breathe.

Day 37 - Accepting abuse and then blowing up

I have a tendency to allow myself to take shit from people, I allow them to talk down at me and I accept it within a statement that "it's ok, I can take it" justifying it to myself from a perspective that if I react it means that they've hit a point of inferiority within me, and if I don't react it means that everything is cool with me, and they are walking their process and it's their problem/point/issue...

But within that, I haven't allowed myself to see that I am actually reacting within myself but because I didn't allow myself to be self honesty with myself I have not allowed myself to see the point as the reaction that I was experiencing, within not allowing myself to see the reaction I was experiencing due to being spoken down to I could not express it or deal with it in any way, and thus I have suppressed the reaction within myself while allowing it to quietly accumulate,  the outcome of this process is that I end up accumulating resistance towards the person and their expression until I've accumulated all that I can handle and I explode.

Through this, I will justify my acceptance within a belief/idea that I should be able to take any kind of shit from anybody without reacting. while my misunderstanding was that "not reacting" means not having an energetic movement within myself and thus being able to direct the situation within self support and support of the other, and it doesn't mean to simply not react externally while accumulating suppressed reactions inside... Which is what I now see that I've been doing...

What I see within this is that I am most definitely reacting to being put down by the other, but I am suppressing it and not expressing myself because I have judged myself within believing that I should be able to not react. And, another reason I "prefer" to suppress myself and not speak up is within a point of avoiding conflict, a point of fear of conflict, a fear of standing up within not accepting/allowing abuse so I'd rather soak it up, and just take it.

Within this pattern what ends up happening is that I accumulate the suppressed reaction within me and starting to build up spitefulness and blame towards the person, while feeling self righteous for not reacting when in fact I have been reacting internally all along but haven't allowed myself to express it, and I do this until a braking point where I can’t take it anymore and then I snap.

Snapping comes in many forms… I can snap externally, towards the person that I blame for talking down at me, or I can snap towards another person, from perspective of accumulating the feeling of inferiority and then to compensate and regain my lost power, I will express myself as superior towards an innocent third party in order to make them feel inferior so that  can "balance myself", or I can snap within myself within thinking spiteful/revenge  thoughts towards the person, or acting/behaving passive aggressive, not saying what is wrong directly, but implying something is wrong indirectly, manipulating the situation to revenge the pain caused upon me through causing pain to the other wherever/however I can.

I see within this point that I haven't taken self responsibility for my participation within the situation, I have allowed myself to be directed by my energetic reactions and further more I have allowed myself to suppress my reaction within self judgment due to believing I shouldn't be reacting and due to fear of conflict with the other being.

I have not allowed myself to be self honest with myself. Self honesty is firstly the ability to see/face myself for who I am and not to change/suppress myself based on an idea that I should be this or that… thus the first step is to clear myself form the judgment I have towards my reaction within the idea of what/how I should be. Within self honesty I must allow myself to see me for who I actually am, within/as how/when I react.

Then, after the reaction has passed through supporting myself within/as breath, I forgive myself as the reaction, I look at why I reacted, what definitions/ideas/self beliefs are being provoked, I investigate the point until I am satisfied that I've got it, until I know that I will not fall in it's trap again because I will recognize it and direct myself within/as it.

Self forgiveness on this point to come…