Thursday, November 29, 2012
What's interesting about working with horses is that they are a mirror to self, what this means is that they adjust themselves according to the person that is working with them, and will show them their weaknesses through "taking advantage" of their weak points of application, thus allow the person working with them to face themselves as their points of weakness - this is what happened to me today.
I've been walking Fat (he's a big horse) in the past few weeks, and have been learning learn a lot about how to direct him, he is a very well trained horse so it's been quite easy, but even though he is trained and knows exactly what he needs to do, he still will mirror me and perform according to how effective I am with him, thus, if I am exhibiting a specific pattern, he will tap on to it and act accordingly to expose it to me.
So he started with walking too close to me, and I allowed it, then he started to cut corners too close to me, and walk faster than me, and then he stepped on my foot, twice. I have not been affective in setting his boundaries, well actually, setting my boundaries as a wall between us that he should not pass, so essentially I have been allowing him to walk all over me and he, as my mirror, has been doing exactly that, thus allowing me to see that I have not been effective, have not been clear and direct, have not been consistent and basically have being expressing myself as a wimp.
How I experience myself, as I walk him, and want him to do something, is like a form of shyness, I don't feel comfortable being clear and direct, I don't feel comfortable with making big hand movements, I don't feel comfortable with making extreme gesture, I've been expressing myself as weak, like I'm asking him to please, and just if he's ok with it, do me a favor by slowing down or not stepping on me, I've not been allowing myself to be assertive, yes, this is the word I've been looking for - Assertiveness.
I see there is a polarity within myself as I have connected being assertive to being aggressive and within defining myself as a "nice person" I have been resisting assertiveness, not allowing myself to express myself with assertiveness. So, what I've been doing is that I try to get him to do what I ask, but I'm trying to be nice about it, because I don't want to be aggressive, within this there is a fear of hurting him, or even worse, a fear that I make a mistake and piss him off, and have him attack me or something of that sort. Within this I see that I haven't realized that assertiveness isn't aggressiveness, and that by trying to "be nice" I've not been clear in my expression towards him, not allowing myself to let go the "nice" point and simply be here and effectively direct the horse.
When I spoke about it to the person that works with him regularly and knows him, and horses in general quite well, she explained to me the mirroring behavior of the horses and showed me the specific points I must work on and emphasize as I walk with him. As we were discussing my application with Fat, I saw that I've been participating within the "submissive character" as a character that allows oneself to be abused, as I've been allowing him to "push me around" and even hurt me as he allowed himself to step on my foot, twice, which was the consequence of me not standing within assertiveness within holding my boundaries and being clear and direct.
Now I see the point a bit more clearly, it's not so much about being submissive, although it is a dimension within myself and a character I participate within, I find that the more dominant point is my resistance to being assertive, and the submissive character is an outflow of that.
I found a few dictionary definitions for assertiveness, the definition of 'assertive' I'm refereeing to is: Confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the expression of assertiveness within defining assertiveness in relation to aggression, instead of realizing that assertiveness is a clear and direct stand of self, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist standing as assertiveness and instead of facing/questioning my resistance from assertiveness I have accepted the justification that it is connected to aggression and left it at that
I commit myself to, when and as I see myself resisting a specific expression, as assertiveness, I investigate the point to clear the definition I have given the specific expression, and within common sense, and within the starting point of what is best for all, I make a directive decision wither I will participate with this expression as myself or not, within this I commit myself to investigate how I've defined words and my relationship to them in order to be able to make a clear and direct decision as to who I am and how I would express myself, and not be directed by tainted definitions that I have never questioned/investigated, that are based in perceptions/fears/personalities
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/resist expressing myself as assertiveness and as a result have expressed myself as submissive, thus allowing myself to be pushed around and abused, not standing up for myself, not setting the boundaries, not being self directive, due to fear of being aggressive, not allowing myself to see the self aggression within not allowing myself to stand up clear within myself
I commit myself to walk through this point of assertiveness, through opening it up in writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements, as to allow myself to stand here, directive within/as myself
I will continue in my next blog to open up the point of who I am within assertiveness
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Wednesday, November 28, 2012
For profound insight and further context as to what I will be writing about in this post, please consider gifting yourself with the awesome interview series - Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse Part 1, Part 2, Part 3
I discovered a new term and I am fascinated with it - "life chamber" - I heard it today as I was listening to the interview series given by the consciousness of the horse, the point of the "life chamber" was a small part of the interview, as they were sharing and explaining their perspective of life, and specifically in regards to pregnancy, giving birth, and preparing oneself for becoming a life chamber, to support and nurture and create a new being into this world. Listening to these interviews, kind of made me want to be a horse, lol. It's a really interesting and supportive series - I recommend you listen to it and hear it directly from the horse's perspective, in regards to the point I am sharing here – this is just my perspective and doesn’t represent the interview, so please gift yourself and before or after reading my blog, listen to the source, and then we can discuss the point here or on the desteni forums.
A life chamber is that which contains life, that in which life exists within.
The physical, as earth, is the chamber of all life, just as each and every one of our physical bodies is a chamber of life, just as each one of us was conceived and developed in the womb of our mother as a life chamber, protecting us as life from all harm, supporting us, nurturing us, developing us.
We begin our life in a life chamber, as the womb of our mother, while our mother is existing within her life chamber as her physical body, within the physical reality as a life chamber, in which all life exist within.
Unfortunately, we as humanity, have got it all wrong, we are obsessed with our mind, possessed within it's illusions of separation, and completely neglect the physical reality, the physical which is our home - the physical is our home in a profound meaning, as it is who we are as life, as we are all made from the dust of the earth, equal and one with all that exist as the physical reality - yet, it seams that we, as humanity, have made it our life goal to destroy our home, to destroy the physical, to disregard and abuse earth, nature, animals, plants and our physical body as ourselves.
Now, back to the chamber of life, one must ask oneself who is responsible for whom - is the chamber responsible for the life within it, or is life responsible for the chamber, or consider the possibility that it is a mutual agreement between equals, where both the chamber and life itself are responsible of each other as one and equal, within the principle of equality - I would say an agreement between the chamber and the life within it makes the most sense, supporting each other as themselves as they realize they are actually one and equal. As this is the case, it seams to me like, we, as humanity have not been keeping our end of the agreement to support and respect the chamber of life in which we exist within, as our physical bodies, as earth and existence as a whole. It seams to me that we exist within an agreement, an agreement that we have failed and betrayed, and the proof is evident as we can see the consequences all around us, as the abuse, suffering and basic evil that is revealed within every thing us humans touch or come near to.
Lets have a look at a mother as she represents the source of all humanity, the origin from which each and every one of as came from, as we explore the different life chambers in a mother's life - there is the "womb chamber" as the mother's womb, in which her child, as the next generation of life, grows, develops and prepares to being birthed as a living being in the physical reality. There is the "physical body chamber" in which the mother herself, as a living being, exists within, as her physical body , and there is the "existence chamber" in which all humanity exist within, where the mother, as a part of humanity, as an organ in the organism of humanity, exists within the "existence chamber" as the physical reality, as earth, nature, sun, rain - all are part of the chamber of life in which humanity, and all living beings, exist within. So the womb chamber is within the physical body chamber which is within the existence chamber, and thus all three are connecter, intertwined with one another and influence each other - further more, we will see that all relationships between the chambers and the life within it, in all dimension, are one and equal, so that the same relationship we see between humanity and the physical existence, we will see between the individual human and their physical body, and that will indicate the relationship within the womb, as a one and equal expression of what we accept and allow within ourselves and within our world, as above so below, as within so without - all levels, all dimensions, all relationships are showing us the same thing - who we are as what we accept and allow within ourselves and the world as a whole.
The life chamber could be one of support and it could also be one of abuse just as a chamber of a prison cell. we, as human beings, have created this world as a chamber of abuse through failing our agreement with it, instead of having created it into a chamber of support, a heaven on earth, that all life live as one, in fulfillment, joy, and security, through our directive principle of taking self responsibility within the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all. But again, as we can see - as within so without - we have been abusing our bodies and thus created our bodies as chamber of abuse, as it reflects ourselves back to us with disease and pain. within common sense, it’s clear to see that as a result of all physical bodies being abused, our mothers womb would have always represented such abuse, and thus, has never been a chamber of support and growth, but as a platform of preparation to bring the next generation of life into to a world of abuse.
As long as we don't find it within ourselves to respect ourselves as our physical body, to support and respect earth within the physical existence as a whole, as long as we don't learn to take care of our home as the chamber of life, how will we ever be able to create a chamber, in all dimensions, that will be supportive for our children , as the new life that come into this world, innocent and naive, only to find a world of horror, abuse and suffering. If a mother, as a representative of humanity, as the core of humanity, doesn't care for herself, doesn't respect her body or the physical as a whole, how will she provide an effective and supportive womb chamber for her child to develop in? how will she then educate her child to care for and to support life?
The horses, in their interview show and explain how they live as one with the physical, how they experience pregnancy, how they experience the physical as one and equal - we have much to learn from them - We must stand up and change ourselves in all dimension, from the way we treat physicality as the earth and nature , to how we treat our bodies, to how we treat ourselves, to how we treat each other, and then, how we prepare ourselves to create and bring about a living being, a new life, that will be supported from their first breath until their last.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, as part of humanity, to abuse the physical reality, as earth, nature, plants, animals and all living beings, instead of honoring the agreement between all that is here as supporting each other as life, as one and equal, through considering and caring for all life in every breath I take
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that I am destroying the home in which I exist in, as the life chamber, as the physical reality, and thus, not realizing that by destroying it I am actually destroying myself and all life as one
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to honor all that is here as life, as the physical reality, and within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to honor myself as life as the physical body, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that through living as self expression of honoring life, I would prepare the world and myself for the next generation of life, for them to be welcomed as we allow them the basic living right as being born into a world of honor and support, a world where every living being is supported, honored and respected from birth till death
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that as a woman I have a responsibility to support myself as my physical body within supporting myself as the physical reality as the chamber of life, to through correcting the relationship I have towards myself as the physical, to prepare myself to support the next generation of life, as through supporting and respecting myself as my physical body will I be able to support a living being growing within me, within the womb chamber I have prepared for them, and thus to support the next generation of life through all the steps of their development, from conception, till birth, through their first breath and until their last
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand the vast consequences of not caring and considering all life within/as the physical reality, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that as within so without, thus not honoring the physical is a mirror of not honoring self as life, and thus a predetermined condition of not honoring the next generation of life, as our children, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that we, as humanity, are creating new life everyday, through baring children, even though we can't take care of them nor support them, because we have never cared for anything that is a live, thus, I realize that we must change, we must learn to respect all that is here, we must learn to respect ourselves as life, we must stop the abuse we have been participation within and accepting as a "part of life", and only through changing ourselves, will be able to bring forward new life and trust ourselves that it won't be abused and neglected, but will be taken care of and supported as it learns to take care and support all that is here and live in honor of the agreement that we have broken, thus correcting the sins of the fathers (and mothers). Within this i realize that for our children to mend the mistakes we have accepted and created, we must prepare them, we must thus, prepare and change ourselves, or else the abuse will keep existing into infinity, until humanity would completely destroy every living thing, including itself
I commit myself to continue walking the desteni process of self change through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements as a process of self investigation within self honesty, until I trust myself completely that I have freed myself form the enslavement of the mind and am no longer existing from a starting point of self interest, but from a starting point that is best for all, where within each breath I take, I support, care for and honor myself as life, and all life as one and equal.
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Monday, November 26, 2012
this is a continuation of my previous blog:
Day 100 - What is REAL
Day 101 - What is REAL - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness
I realize that all that I exist as, as the mind, is an illusion - not only an illusion, but an abusive one, an illusion that is directly abusing myself through creating conflict and friction, creating an unstable experience of ups and downs, that then, as an outflow I allow it to directs me to abuse others to have a sense of control and stability. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the mind, as allowing myself to experience ups and downs and then to try and have a sense of control through playing power games with those around me, trying to win, through any means necessary including the allowance of direct and indirect abuse
I realize that I have allowed the mind to play tricks on me, as I allow myself to experience blame or resentment towards someone in my environment, and I believe it to be so, I believe the blame and resentment to be valid, when in fact there are always many layers beneath it, that I am not allowing myself to see through my acceptance and participation with the mind's illusion. When and as I see myself going into the mind, as a reaction towards another in my environment, as blame and resentment, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that this is an opportunity to stop my participation with the mind, it's an opportunity to see/find/face another layer within myself that I have been hiding from myself through/within my acceptance of the blame / resentment, thus, I direct myself to see the reaction as a gift and not judge myself for it but rather allow myself to look within self honesty and find the point that is revealing itself, right beneath the surface, if I would only be willing to see it. Within this I realize that the reaction I am experiencing towards another is actually a point of self support, if I allow myself to take it as such, if I allow myself to investigate myself within self honesty, thus, I commit myself, when and as I react to another, to ask myself, and allow myself to see what am I showing myself, what have I been resisting changing through not allowing myself to see, what have I been trying to hold onto? Within this I realize that the mind is creating distractions for me to not have to face myself, and within my participation I am allowing it to continue doing so, as an agreement I have made with my mind, allowing it to distract me from seeing points I don't want to see, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face myself, to prefer living in an illusion, to continue existing in fear, instead of allowing myself to face myself within realizing that it is all within myself, it is me, there is nothing to fear, it is not something separate that can hurt me, it is me, thus I commit myself to apply self honesty, and will myself to face myself, because I realize only through allowing myself to face myself will I be able to stop being directed by the mind, and start directing myself as actual self support, and from there to change myself and become a human being that can be trusted
I realize that I have accepted these illusions because I have not been self honest with myself, thus I have allowed myself to hide the actuality of myself within separation of myself, doing so within self interest, as I prefer existing as a lie that makes me look good and justifies myself rather than facing the truth, as the actual reality of who I am, which would imply taking responsibility for my experience/behavior/reaction and all that I participate with and exist as. Thus, I realize that I have been deliberate in my acceptance of the mind, as a preference not to see/face myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from myself deliberately through my acceptance and participation within/as the mind, I commit myself to stop this, I commit myself push through the resistance and take self responsibility through first of all seeing/facing who I am, and within self forgiveness to start letting go of the constructs of myself
I realize that I have been existing as the mind without ever questioning it, I realize I have allowed myself to play dumb and hope that those that taught me all that I know, knew what they were talking about, and thus not seeing myself as responsible because I blindly trusted others, instead of using common sense, within seeing reality for hat it is, and within the directive of creating a world that is worth living in for all as the only accepted possibility for existence, I forgive myself for accepting reality as it is and thus have compromised myself, my children and all of life, instead of expanding myself and allowing myself to see that we create the world through our acceptance and allowance, and if the world is unacceptable it's because we are allowing it to continue as it is, and that only we/I can change it through allowing myself to step out of the mind, that has created this mess, and take responsibility and direct myself to create myself as trust worthy, and in turn a world that is life worthy for all
I commit myself to investigate the desteni material, to understand the design of the mind, so that I can stop taking all of it personally within guilt and shame and can start changing my relationship to it, I realize the value of understanding what I am dealing, and I realize it's my responsibility to self educate myself as to how it works, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself excuses as to why not investigate the material, I realize that it will take dedication and perseverance, and that even though I have never done it before, I know it's up to me to do it now, thus I commit myself to dedicate myself to understanding how the mind works through listening to the information provided by desteni, and to apply the information daily into myself within investigating myself as to not allow it to become another idea/perspective/interpretation/belief, but to see/investigate for myself, within my life, within my patterns, and to prove to myself it's validity
I realize that by participating within/as the mind as thoughts / feelings / emotions / reaction, I am only considering myself and disregarding all of existence and all living beings within it, within this I realize that I have been justifying myself within self interest because from the perspective of the mind, only I exist, only I count, only I need to be considered, thus, I haven't allowed myself to care about anything but myself, I have been existing in isolation for everything and everyone through existing in/as the mind - I realize that this world would be a great place if we all stop living in isolation, and within this I realize that my personal experience would be way cooler if I stop allowing myself to be enslaved to the mind in isolation, and start living as one with all life that is here, considering all that is here, caring for all that is here, and actually caring for myself.
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Sunday, November 25, 2012
this is a continuation of my previous blog:
Day 100 - What is REAL
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within the illusion of the mind instead of living here within/as the physical in oneness and equality to/as/with all that is here
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever question reality and simply accept it as it has been shown to me by my parents and society, within this simply accepting the world as it is within all the atrocities and abuse, and not once questioning human nature as the cause of it and looking at what needs to be done and how we need to change in order to fix up this world and create a world that is worth living in for all life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am the mind, that I am my thoughts/feelings/emotions, and within that allowing myself to be directed by my thoughts/feelings/emotions, while only considering myself as part of the equation and disregarding the physical reality as all the other beings that exist here equally with me, within this I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that all that I have been existing as and believing in has been an illusion, an illusion that is based on self interest through using manipulation/deception to fulfill the desire to feel good, within accepting separation as the truth of existence
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the abuse I am creating through my participation within/as the mind, through allowing myself to be directed within self interest by the emotions/feelings/thoughts that come up within me uncontrollably, while disregarding common sense, disregarding the physical reality as the earth and nature and other living beings, all in the pursue of happiness, within this
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that as long as I am participating within/as the mind as self interest, I am giving my permission and appruval for all to exist within self interest, and thus am allowing any form of self interest to exist, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the very self interest that I am participating within as the mind, is not actually in my best interest because it is and always has been creating conflict in my life, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the very nature and structure of the mind is based on conflict / friction / separation / polarity and thus will never bring about an ease, not within my life and not within the world as a whole, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the very nature of the mind is to create and thrive off of energy that is created through the substance of my physical body and thus abusing/destroying the very body I exist in
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I am my body, one and equal to/as my body, and within that to realize that any abuse I am inflicting on my body is actual self abuse, but I haven’t allowed myself to realize this because I have been existing within a value system that values the mind more than life, and thus I have allowed myself to disregard my body, as well as the physical existence and to give my attention to only that which goes on in my mind within energy, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I have been addicted to the energy of the mind, like a drug that has been blurring my vision to ignore the physical reality as what is here and to exist in a bubble created by my mind through my allowance and participation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with my hidden/secret thoughts/feelings/emotions, within believing that I have a right to my privacy and to protect my hidden/secret mind, not realizing that by hiding myself I am making a statement that I am actually participating in deception/manipulation/abuse and want to protect myself as I deceive/abuse/manipulate others, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the very nature and design of secrets implies shame, thus through participating and justifying the secret mind I have been hiding from myself that I am in fact ashamed of who I am and what I do, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself in shame, instead of facing myself within/as self honesty, to be able to change myself and become a human being that lives as respect/dignity as a living expression of that which is best for all, and thus doesn't need to hide in separation within the secret mind, because there would be nothing to hide, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the mind, within it's hidden most darkest corners has always been showing me it's true nature of deception/manipulation/abuse, and that I have always been brainwashed, not practicing critical reasoning, but simply eating up whatever my parents/society have taught me, as accepting and legitimizing the pursue of happiness as a valid goal, while blindly following our emotions/feelings/thoughts, not seeing that if we only stopped holding on to ourselves as the mind, we could realize equality and oneness, as what is really here, as the physical, as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to the mind, as allowing myself to become possessed with energy / thoughts / back chat / judgments / emotions / feelings, while believing I am powerless and cannot be the directive principle of myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am powerless instead of dropping this belief within the understanding that it isn't supporting me but is only limiting me and preventing me from standing up, and thus to allow myself to try again and again, and learn from each attempt I make, as to find out for myself, what works for me as to slow down the mind/thought, as to stop the back chat - I have found that bouncing and shaking myself physically within breath has been supportive in getting me out of the mind and back here, I have that writing the point out as self support within a self directive decision to take self responsibility and sort the point out has assisted me in stepping out of the possession, I have found that self forgiveness has been effective in assisting me to open up points and not fall so easily in the trap of self judgment - so I have tools, I have proven to myself that they are effective, and I realize that "practice makes perfect" I realize that the more I apply myself and fall and apply myself again I will become more effective within myself and will be more clear within myself, and will empower myself as life, as self support, to step out of the mind's hold of me, and return here, to where life can be lived, as the physical reality.
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Saturday, November 24, 2012
I've reached my 100th blog, no bells or fireworks, just another day and another blog in my journey to birthing myself as life from the physical.
What does this even mean? Am I not alive?
REALITY - The practical physical world each and everyone lives in where the physical laws and consequences are equal for everyone.
One of the most substantial points I have learned since I have been walking with desteni is learning to distinguish between what is real and what is not - there is the physical reality as that which can be touched and smelled, that which is objective and can be shared and experienced by all, and on the other hand there is the mind, as our subjective point of view / perception / perspective of reality - our mind creates within ourselves a personal illusion, as a hidden/secret alternate reality that cannot be shared or experienced by anyone else but ourselves, and it does so through our acceptance, allowance and participation, where we, as our beingness, have given our power away to the mind, and have allowed ourselves to become enslaved to it, thus allowing it to be the directive principle of our existence.
Within submitting ourselves to/as the mind, we have allowed ourselves to exist only in the mind, in ideas / thoughts / beliefs / emotions / feelings / judgments / blame / projections and believing the mind to be reality while disregarding what is actually around us as the physical, and thus we have allowed ourselves to separated ourselves from the actual physical reality as what is actually here, existing within/as an illusion of separation as the mind, instead of walking the earth, one and equal with all that exists here as the physical, as life. Thus, as the mind we are not actually living, because we are existing as an illusion - to actually live would be to stop existing in the mind as separation and to live in awareness of the physical reality and thus become one with all that is here as the physical.
We as human beings, have got it all in reverse, we have programmed ourselves to believe that our mind represents ourselves as who we are, we believe our personalities represents ourselves as who we are, we believe that being alive goes hand in hand with utilizing our mind - "I think therefore I am" - because that is how it's always been, that's what we've learnt from our parents and society - we've never once considered that we are the ones that have created these personalities as ourselves which would indicate that we, as our beingness, were here first independent on the personalities, and that from our first breath we have been here, alive - only then, after our first breath, did we start "thinking", we started learning and interpreting what we see, judging what we see, and soon enough we have programmed ourselves as organic robots, disregarding our own breath, disregarding our own physical body, disregarding the fact that all that exist, exists here together and creates together all that is here, disregarding the simple fact that all is one from perspective of physicality, as one "cloud" of substance that has no actual borders and definitions - we are not actually separated as we, the "intelligent" human, have perceived and believed ourselves to be. And, due to our misunderstanding of the existence which we live in, we have given more value to the illusion as the mind, and no value to life, as the earth, as nature, as other living beings, as each other, and as ourselves - and we are living the result and outflows of this misunderstanding as we see evident in a cruel and abusive world system, that doesn't support life, but thrives on competition, self interest, manipulation and judgment - all within the realms of the mind as separation.
Existing within/as the mind is existing within an illusion that allows us to ignore everything that actually exist in our physical reality, allows us to ignore life itself, as we base our perception within self interest - we have created ourselves as personalities, and now we believe ourselves to be defined by these personalities, and thus participate only with that which supports our personalities and benefits them, enhances them, thus, existing within self interest, existing within an inherent fear of losing ourselves and thus in constant competition with one another to win. not realizing and seeing that we require energy to recreate ourselves over and over again to maintain ourselves as the personalities/characters we know ourselves to be, not realizing the destructive nature this consumption of energy has on us and existence as a whole – It works in the same way as the production of energy for electricity for example, energy is created through the consumption of the physical, turning substance into energy, and thus, our consumerism and the mere use of energy is destroying the land we walk on, destroying our home - we will fine the same construct in all dimension - as above so below, as within so without - our energy production, created and used to maintain our personalities, to survive as we know ourselves as the mind, is consuming our physical bodies, and thus destroying our home.
The more one investigate, one will see that the mind, within it's thirst for energy, is in fact the cause of all the suffering/abuse/conflict that exist in the physical reality where living beings are starving, being raped, abused, as we manipulate each other, destroy our home planet, pollute the water, make animals, plants and nature go instinct - this is all the result of human beings "nature" as we have allowed ourselves to exist as the mind.
What I have realized through this process of self investigation, is that the mind is very deceptive and manipulative, it never actually looks out for my best interest as looking out for myself as life, it is only looking out for it's own interest/survival - what does this mean? The mind needs energy to exist, it needs our participation to generate this energy, it does this through creating conflict and friction through the perception of separation, just like a battery that requires a plus and minus, a polarity, and just like how friction creates heat - so the mind creates friction as conflict within ourselves and our relationships, and creates the perception of separation as polarity, to generate energy for it's survival, disregarding ourselves as the beingness as who we are as life, equal and one to all that is life, to all that is here, to the physical as ourselves - all done to ensure it's survival - so why do we call this "self interest"? because at the moment we exist as the mind, we believe it to be ourselves, we experience the survival fear as our own – We have not yet realized ourselves as life, we believe ourselves to be the mind, and thus are equal to it and one with it - and this is the process, of rebirthing ourselves as life from the physical, that we are walking within this journey to life - to discover ourselves as life, through letting go of anything and everything that we have defined as ourselves through the mind, to return to nothingness, so that from a clean slate, so to speak, we can realize ourselves, without the veil of the mind, but simply as who we are, because once we remove all the layers of the mind - all that remain is ourselves, as life, within/as breathe, here.
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Friday, November 23, 2012
for further context: Giving Up on Myself - Life Review
Also please visit my previous blogs, if you haven’t already:
Day 97 - Giving up is an elitist privilege
Day 98 - Giving up is an elitist privilege - Part 2 - Self commitments
I realize that in any moment that I am not here in breath, as aware of myself breathing within my physical body, I am in a realm of the mind, existing within / as energy as participating in thoughts / feelings / emotions / projections / imaginations, within this I see, realize and understand that once I notice, become aware of myself existing as energy, I have a decision, I am faced with a choice - will I stop myself as the mind and bring myself back to myself as the physical within/as breath, or will I allow myself to continue, to follow the mind's temptation, within believing I am defined by it, by the emotions / feelings, within believing that I cannot stop - who I am within this decision, how I chose to be is what defines me in every moment, and within realizing this choice I see how I am in fact creating myself within every decision I make, so wither to stand up in self honesty or to give up as the mind - is always up to me, thus, when and as I see myself facing the decision, the choice, of stopping myself as the mind possession, and bringing myself back here to the physical within breath, or following the mind within a self belief that I cannot be freed from it and within self interest as the pursue of happiness and good feelings - I chose myself as life
I realize that I have allowed the idea I have that I am incapable of stopping myself while in an energetic possession, as back chat come up of "but I don't know how to do it", "I cannot stop", "this depression is stronger than me", to prevent me from actually stopping, to prevent me from even trying, as allowing myself to give up and be submissive to the energetic experience, within this I realize that as long as I participate with this back chat, as accepting the idea that I cannot stand up from the energetic experience, I will never actually stand and continue proving to myself my idea of myself was correct, not realizing that this idea isn't based on physical facts but just on a mind manipulation to keep me enslaved and trapped within the energetic experience, on the other hand, I realize that if I do push myself through the point, as not allowing the back chat to direct me, and within this to stop my acceptance of the idea that I am incapable, and push myself to breathe and support myself through bringing myself back to the physical as jumping up and down and shaking my body, or massaging my hands, I will be able to step out of the possession, because I realize the energetic possession requires my attention and participation for it to exist within me as my experience, thus, when and as I see myself going into and accepting the back chat of not believing I can do it, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back to the physical body in any way that is possible within the context of the situation I am in, I chose to support myself and to stop myself from giving more power/energy to the possession and instead give myself the power through standing up from within it, proving to myself that I am the directive principle and I am not a puppet at the demand of the mind - I am here, I am life, I am not energy, I realize that the energy needs me for it to exist and I do not need the energy to be here as myself stable in breath
I realize that when I exist in an energetic possession I fear stopping it, I fear letting go of it because it is how I know myself, I have defined myself as it, within this I realize that this fear is a mind mechanism to keep me from standing up as life, I realize this fear is not valid because I am here through all the experiences, I have been here through all the possessions, I have been here to see them come and go and change - thus I am here is independent on the energy possession, and doesn't require it to exist as I am here, thus, when and as I experience myself resisting to stop the energetic possession within fear of letting go of it, I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that I am here, I breathe, and stand up, within this, I commit myself to investigate the point of fear further, and each time the fear/back chat comes up I commit myself to investigate it within writing and forgive myself for all that I have seen within it as my acceptance and allowance, to make the point clear to me, so that I don't fall in it again
I realize that within the construct of giving up on myself, within the belief I cannot stop the energetic possession as I believe it is stronger than me, I realize that within this I am trying to take the easy way out within self interest while disregarding myself as life and the consequences of my actions, within this I realize that I have used giving up to distract myself from the problems that are here, that are evident in the physical reality, as taking the easy way out and not pushing myself with all I've got to change the current situation of reality as myself, as it is based in inequality and results in much pain and suffering for many beings that cannot practice the privilege of giving up because it would cost them their life, thus I realize that within giving up I am not only giving up on myself but am allowing myself to give up on the pain and suffering that others are experiencing because of the very construct of the system as it exists today, the same system that has given me so much as consumerism, that I can turn a deaf ear to the abuse because it doesn't concern me directly due to being the elite of this world, and thus allow myself to give up in self interest
I realize that the only reason I am giving up is because I can, because I don't experience the immediate consequences, because I have support within the system and thus am not in a physical survival mode, within this I realize that giving up is an elitist privilege, that only those with money can afford giving up, as a childish moment of not wanting to take self responsibility and wanting others, as slaves, to do the hard work for them while they momentarily give up to then after the small "brake from life" return as if nothing has happened and as if there are no consequences, within this I realize that by exercising my privilege of giving up I am dismissing and disregarding all those that cannot afford to give up because their life circumstances is based in physical survival and if they allow themselves to give up they will actually die/suffer, within this I realize that by giving up I am accepting the situation of the world as it is and am actually deriving benefit from it, as stating within myself that I don't care about any one and anything that is suffering in the world, all I care about is that "I don't feel like it" and thus allow myself to give up, within this I commit myself to become aware of points/situations/events where I find myself giving up and stop myself within and as breath, within realizing that giving up is not valid and is a vicious way out of taking self responsibility within what seams to be an innocent/naïve self belief of incompetency, but in fact is deliberate and cruel considering all in the world that can't stand up for themselves and are waiting for me to stand up for them within the world system as I stand up for myself within the mind
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for further context: Giving Up on Myself - Life Review
Also please visit my previous blog, if you haven’t already:
Day 97 - Giving up is an elitist privilege
I realize that any experience I have is self created, and even when/if I don't realize how I created it, by not pushing myself to step out of the experience I am allowing it to exist with me and thus, any energetic experience I have within myself is always due to my participation, acceptance and allowance, thus, when and as I see myself within an energetic experience I stop myself and breathe, I push myself to breathe as I ground myself and ground the energy back to earth, I stop the back chat as justifications to why I am experiencing this, and don't allow myself to justify my experience because I have realized that any experience that I have not self directed within awareness is a mind manipulation that is directing me within self interest and thus will always result in shame and regret when realizing within self honesty what I have accepted and allowed, thus within the principle of prevention as the best cure/medicine, I commit myself to stop this snow ball from rolling through stopping my participation within the energetic experience as depression.
I realize that any time I give in to the energetic experience I am accumulating more energetically charged memories, as experiencing myself being weaker than the mind, and thus allowing the mind control to grow stronger as I diminish myself time after time, I realize that in order to empower myself as the living self directive principle of myself I must stop myself from participating and following the energetic experience and commit myself to breath, to stabilize myself, to ground myself, to return to the physical within touch and movement, to do whatever it takes in the moment to "snap out of it" to change my experience as to prove to myself that I am not completely controlled/enslaved to the mind, but that I do have self will power, and that I can stand up from within it, I realize that just as I have accumulated through out my life, many experiences as memories of me giving in to my mind, and thus have accepted myself as weak, I can accumulate myself as self support - as long as I will myself to stop my participation within/as the mind, and keep accumulating situations/experiences where I stand up and stop myself I will be able to deprogram the self belief of incapability/weakness/giving up and recreate myself as directive and powerful as life as myself
I realize that the experience of being depressed, as experiencing myself within/as a low energy, an experience of numbness/apathy/misery, is exactly that - an energetic experience, and within it being an energetic experience I realize it does not exist independently of my participation within/as it, thus I realize it requires me, to participate with it, through giving it energy as thoughts, for it to exist - within realizing this, I commit myself to when and as I see myself in an energetic experience such as depression/numbness/apathy/misery, I stop myself and breathe, I realize it is not a real experience as the physical is real, as the physical is here independently of my participation with it, it is an objective reality shared by all equally, while the energetic experience is subjective within my mind's perception and interpretation, created only for me and is able to exist here only through my participation as feeding it energy as thoughts - and the moment I stop participating, it no longer exist - thus it is in my power to stop, and my responsibility to realize what is real as the physical, and to live and participate only within that which is real, and stop participation with the lie as the mind
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
for further context: Giving Up on Myself - Life Review
I've been experiencing myself low, at a verge of depression, not knowing what's going on within me, not pushing myself to investigate and explore the experience to support myself to find the source, to be able to stand up from within it, to be able to direct myself, but rather I have fallen into a state of giving up, allowing the energy to possess me, believing I am powerless, experiencing myself as if I cannot do anything to change my experience and thus, allowing it to continue, giving it my permission within a submissive expression of myself, as I have allowed many times before, allowing myself, once again, to abuse myself within allowing the depressed experience to take over, and thus existing as both the abuser and the abused, both sides of the polarity existing within myself, both allowed by myself, as I allow the oppression of self to continue as I believe the energy that I experience as depression is bigger and more powerful than me.
I was on the verge of giving up on myself altogether, wanting to hit rock bottom, rationalizing it to myself with the idea that is I allow myself to hit the bottom I will have to stand up from there, justifying giving up as an essential and even supportive part of the process, as if I cannot direct myself to stand up from where I am here, in this very moment, as if only if I push myself to the edge and only if I experience enough pain and suffering will I motivate myself to stand up and change. As if making giving up a directive decision - but who, in their right mind, would decide to harm/abuse/hurt themselves? If one can see change needs to be done, why not simply stand up and change? Why allow abuse?
I've been allowing myself, within full awareness, to abuse myself, by not shaking myself out of the energetic possession, by not stopping myself, as if only through experiencing myself broken, abused, weak, useless, will I be able to pick myself up - how fucked up is this, to want to hurt myself, to want to abuse myself, to not trust myself enough to push myself up from here, from where I am, but to justify more abuse and more suffering - do I have no self respect, do I have no self appreciation, do I have no sense of self motivation within common sense to realize that after giving up and crawling up into a ball I will just find myself in the exact same place, only that much more broken, with that much less self esteem, with that much less will power…
I realize that I am in a position that allows me to give up, because I am not actually in harms way, it's not that I'm actually being physically abused, I'm not being physically enslaved - physically everything is fine, and that's why I can allow myself to play around with giving up, while other are physically abused/suppressed/starving, while they cannot stand up for a change because they are in fact weak within this system, on the other hand, I have all the ability, the skill, the resources to stand up for myself and for them as myself, and I end up giving up, I chose to give up because I can, because I know I will still have food on my table, I know I will still have shelter, I know I am safe, because I am the elite, because I have money - thus by allowing myself to give up I am postponing myself from actually changing, I am postponing bringing about a change in the world, because it doesn't really concern me, because I don't really care, because I will survive either way…
This is why I say that giving up is an elitist privilege, because we have the luxury of giving up without losing anything substantial, physical as life, we can play around in our mind, as we masturbate with the thought of giving up, while others that cannot stand up for themselves die. They die as we whine, they are waiting for us to stand up, and we are busy giving up?... While they are the ones who are paying the price.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow myself to exist in my mind within a state of depression, and not pushing myself to stand up from within it but rather allow myself to accept it as myself, as a fact, not realizing that my experience is my creation and thus i do in fact have the power to change my experience if i will myself to do so
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the low energy I experience is me and that it defines me as who I am, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace myself as depression from a perspective of believing that this is who i am, which is in essence the reverse of actually embracing myself as that would mean to support myself as life, to get out of the energetic experience that i have allowed to possess me, and to not accept such self abuse as allowing myself to exist as low/depressed energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the energy to take over me within the belief that I am powerless against it, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to convince myself i am not able to stand in the face of energy, instead of stopping myself as such thoughts and actually standing up within myself and moving myself to prove me wrong, instead of accepting it and proving me right, through not standing – i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it is up to me in every moment, and thus if i stay in the low/depressed energy it is because of my acceptance and allowance, and not because i am not capable, because i have never really tried to stop, so how can i believe myself to be incapable of stopping, and even once i push myself to stop, i must realize that it might take practice and consistency, so even if i try and “fail” i cannot actually conclude that i am incapable, it would only mean that i must investigate the point further, and simply get up and do it again, until i make it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to give up on myself as a solution for my problems, not realizing that giving up is just postponing the inevitable of standing up as myself within self honesty as I realize that only through living self honestly as one and equal to/as myself will I ever find "peace", thus, I realize that giving up is not a solution but only prolonging the problem as allowing myself to exist within/as the mind, giving my power away in separation from/as myself, and thus allowing separation/energy to be dominant as the directive principle within myself and the world as a whole, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for myself within allowing myself to actually live as myself within self honesty and not as the mind in self interest as separation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up as an easy way out, as I have allowed myself to believe that giving up is like a pause on life, not realizing that there is no such thing to pause/stop life, life is here in every moment in every breath, I can either participate in supporting myself as life, or participate in abusing myself as life - the choice is mine, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever make any choice/decision because I have always allowed myself to exist as the mind as energy as feeling/emotions and thus have never really made a directive decision but always have been directed by self interest as within the desire to feel good through believing my feelings/emotions/thoughts as they will protect me and lead me towards a good life for myself, not realizing that within realizing existence to be one interconnected existence, I will never achieve true happiness as long as it is based in self interest because I will always know within myself the price others are paying for my happiness, thus within self interest I am deeming myself to a life of shame and guilt and regret, within realizing this I realize that my emotions/feelings/thoughts can only lead me down the path of self interest because they are created within/as my mind as separation, thus I realize they are invalid - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my thoughts/feelings/emotions within believing they are bigger/stronger than me, not even trying to stop myself within already have making the choice to give up on myself which means to exist in self interest and suffer the consequences of shame and regret, thus I stop. When and as I see myself falling in the pattern of giving up, I push myself to support myself to stand, I realize giving up is not an option, it is only creating more pain and suffering in my own life and the lives of others as I postpone myself from standing and directing myself to change myself and the world as myself, thus I commit myself to support myself within/as breathing, as I breathe until the energetic possession has passed, within this I commit myself to support myself with physical movement as I have proven to myself that as I jump and move around and return to myself as the physical body, within enjoying myself as my physical body it is supporting me to "get out" of the mind possession and thus able to sit down and write it out for better clarity as to see the source of the possession as to be able to not fall in the same mind loop again.
To be continued
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Monday, November 19, 2012
I continue my investigation of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, as i have started in my previous blog, Day 95 - Will there ever be Peace in the Middle East, and will continue in the blogs to come – I realize I have never actually investigated this point, I have always only heard bits and pieces, and I am now taking responsibility and committing myself to educate myself on the topic.
I just watched the documentary "Peace, Propaganda and the Promised Land"- you must watch it!!!
It shows how Israel is using public relations tactics as a form of mind control to influence and manipulate the public's opinion, to gain legitimacy and approval to what is being accepted and allowed within the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. They show very clearly in the film how the media is controlled and thus, extremely bias, how they use specific words to create a pro-Israeli opinion. It's amazing to see how we are being manipulated all the time and we accept it, because unless we actually intentionally look to cross reference the information, and look for contradicting opinion, and look for the manipulation within what is being said, we will blindly eat it up, and then believe it to be our own opinion/belief, and we will fight for it and defend it, not realizing it has been planted into our minds using different technics of mind control, as we are being used for other's agendas that we are not aware of, because we didn't take the time to actually, unconditionally, investigate.
A few points of mind control were shown in this film in regards to the Israeli/Palestinian conflict:
- The media is deliberately disregarding the lives of the Palestinians - when an Israeli dies at the war, they show their families, they make it into a tragedy, but when Palestinians die, they rarely say their name, they just say a number, and even if it is a few dozen, they will say "just a few dozen Palestinian", like they are meaningless, like they don't count. We must realize that it is designed, planned and calculated, they want us to disregard the fact that these are human beings, just like us, with families, friends, hobbies… it's a constant and deliberate act of dehumanizing the Palestinians, as the media places more value on the live of the Israeli, and as we are exposed to this time and time again we accept it to be true. We are being desensitized by the media and we are allowing it.
- The use of words is a major part of the propaganda, as we are being brainwashed through the specific words being used to create within ourselves a desired point of view that we believe to be our own, but in fact we are being fed it. The media influences and thus manipulates our minds into seeing reality as they paint it for us, and as the repeat these words over and over they manage to make us believe it, and thus without our noticing they alter our grasp of reality. Two example that were given in the film: one is how the media had changed the description of the occupied territory Gilo into "neighborhood Gilo" thus, creating an impression that the violence and attacks by the Palestinians are taking place in a nice peaceful Israeli neighborhood, when in fact it in an illegal settlement, in illegal and occupied territory, and the second is where they use the word terrorist to describe pretty much everything and anything that is related to Palestinians, and here this has many levels of deception, because it is portraying the Palestinians as evil monsters, that are motivated by hate, and it's is creating a blinding screen to the fact that they are fighting for their land, they are fighting for a peaceful, respectful, quiet life, it is disregarding the fact that they are existing under a military regime and are being oppressed on a daily basis. The situation is described as the Palestinians are the terrorists, while the Israelis are merely defending themselves. Showing only a partial picture as they are not showing the actual and total time line within all it's dimensions.
- Within an agenda to create more fear and more separation, the media is determined to focus on how to create more anxiety as they show the situation escalade and deteriorate, on the other hand, they are avoiding showing any signs of cooperation, any signs of the possibility to coexist, there are many organizations/groups of Israelis and Palestinians working together on projects, on solutions, creating relationships as humans, not as sworn enemies. Images like these do not make it to the news/media, as they might allow us to see that maybe not all Palestinians are monsters, maybe there can be negotiations because they want the same thing we do, to live peacefully, safely and freely
I've come to realize that only within the principle of equality, within realizing that all are one and equal and thus the most beneficial way of action must be to support all life equally, because it would mean we are all taken care of, we all take care of each other, we all join forces and together as a unified force create a heaven for all of us on this earth that we share - within realizing this, and walking this principle we will be able to see more clearly the manipulation being done on us - because it is always done in self interest, and it is creating fear and separation. If we would understand and realize equality it would be much harder to fool us, because anything that doesn't support all life must have a hidden agenda for some to benefit at the expense of others, as long as we don't realize equality and continue believing we are separate and enemies, we will believe anything that gives us power, power to control, to abuse, to have the upper hand, because we exist in fear - and this is what they are counting on, that's why it's up to us to take self responsibility and deliberately will ourselves to realize equality, that is the only way to free ourselves from the enslavement we have allowed ourselves to exist as. But, most of us prefer to be ignorant, prefer to be followers, prefer to believe they are taking care of our interests while they are only taking care of their owns.
More exploration in the next blog, stay tuned
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Sunday, November 18, 2012
Within my process of developing critical thinking, I have been looking, in the past few days, at what has been going on is Israel/Gaza. This is what I found thus far as an overview of the situation. In the next blogs I will further my investigation to go deeper into each point, for more specificity and clarity.
important documentaries to watch
A few days ago a war started up again in Israel, the Israelis are shooting at the Palestinians and the Palestinians are shooting at the Israelis, both sides are justifying themselves with the common fraise we all are very much familiar with from childhood "but they started it".
I was surprised to see the comments and talk-backs coming from the Israeli side, so much hatred towards the Palestinians, completely disregarding the fact that they are living human beings who deserve to live a life of fulfillment and security, as we all do, as any living creature does, but the fear and hatred has been brainwashed into our minds through the media to such an extent, that the fact that there are human beings, children, on the other side, is completely overlooked. not to mention the un balanced forces comparing the strong Israeli army of and the Palestinians as the Israelis have air force and defense methods while the Palestinians are basically bare and exposed…
Israel is coming close to election time, and all the politicians are using this war as part of their campaign, one must ask oneself, how much of the timing of this war was accidental or specifically planed to manipulate the people, to get in more votes… through what I see being posted on Facebook, and talk backs on articles, it seams like most of the Israeli people are supporting the war and are applauding it, all are so proud of the Israeli army, and showing off the new weapons.
Now here is another interesting point, the Israeli weapon industry had developed this new war toy, the "Iron Dome" and has been using it proudly in this war to protect the Israeli people from the Palestinian's missiles, it seams to me that this war has been made into a marketing event, showing off the new gadget and testing it out in a live battle, for all the world to see - on the first page of CNN website, they didn't discuss the war, they discussed the "Iron Dome", the new toy that Israel is so proud of, like a free advertisement campaign for the potential buyers to see
Another point to consider, that was mentioned in the Israeli news is that the Hamas leader, Ahmed Jabari, that was assassinated, which is what got this war started, was actually in the process of negotiating for a peaceful settlement, not to say that it would necessarily have brought about peace in the middle east, but it's a certainty that without talking and negotiating, no peace will ever be an option - so it looks like Jabari was assassinated to prevent any peaceful deliberation, apparently peace cannot be accepted because war is economically a good decision, so peace would not be a wise economical choice
Which is another crazy point, I mean, already so much of the Israeli budget goes to defense and military, it's not like the war is actually making the country's budget any bigger with a greater money flow for what actually matters to bring about a worthy living experience for the people, by supporting education/health/infrastructure, no, the budget goes mostly to the military / security, thus only the few will actually benefit financially from this war, and the rest of the people pay taxes, while they have to find shelter to hide from the fire
I for one, do not support this war. I support communication and negotiation, I support doing whatever it takes to create allies and not enemies, I mean, the situation has been escalating and escalating for years, because we are not stopping it, because we are only blaming the other side, not trusting the possibility that peace can ever be achieved, and not for one moment taking responsibility in seeing how we, on each side, are the cause of the problem and thus are responsible for the situation, to find what we can do to make a difference, instead of only blaming and pointing fingers and waiting for the other side to make a move
So what is this war really about?
It's about who will get elected, because the Israeli people have been brainwashed with fear and blame to such an extent that when there is war they see it as a good thing - so here is the construct of blame and fear
It's about money, as any war is about money, and in this case specifically, it's that much more clear, due to this new piece of equipment that is being publicly displayed and promoted - and here the construct of greed
I will continue investigating this point in my next blog
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