Sunday, December 30, 2012
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 - Appearance
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself unconditionally and within that have created conditions and terms for my self acceptance as looking in a specific way, whereas within judging myself due to my appearance I expect others to judge me as well, and thus I exist in constant self judgment and fear of being judged by others, within this I have allowed myself to judge others and condition my acceptance of others in relation to their appearance, and thus I do onto others that which I fear having done onto me, in complete hypocrisy, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others in regards to appearance, and within this I realize that my judging of myself and others is the source of the fear I experience for being judged, within the understanding that what you give is what you receive, the input is equal to the output, thus I realize that as long as I participate in judgment towards myself and/or others in regards to appearance this is what I will experience in my life, as it is what I have accepted and allowed myself to be equal to and one with. Thus I commit myself to stopping myself within and as breath when I see myself participate in judgment in regards to appearance, and instead of judging myself to participating in judgment I take every point of judgment as an opportunity, as a reminder to return here, to stop the thoughts as judgment and return to the physical body in equality and oneness, thus each time I participate in judgment will be a gift of reminding me to stop and return here to breath, to the physical body which I judge, yet stop judging to allow myself to build self intimacy, to get to know myself as the physical body as what I am, I commit myself to when I see myself going into judgment to ask myself about the practicality and function of that which I judge, and within this to realize that any point of appearance whether seen as good or bad is not valid because it has no practical implications, and no practical function in reality once stopping the accepted judgment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in self judgment for not looking like the image I have in my mind as the ideal way to look, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to question this image in my mind as how it got there and at what point in my life did I accept it as the condition for my own self acceptance, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue holding onto the ideal beauty idea even though I see how if effects me directly as I use it as justification to judge and diminish myself, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go the ideal beauty image within the realization that I, nor anyone, is actually defined as who we are according to our appearance, and thus there is no common sense to give value to someone's appearance, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist without any common sense and continue feeding the ideal of beauty ideal instead of standing up for life and not accepting such an ideal to exist within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the ideal beauty I have seen in the media and society as my own, and within that have allowed myself to judge others when they don't fit the ideal, thus accepting and allowing myself to judge others as a projection of my own self judgment and fear of being judged by others as I have not accepted myself as equal to and one with my appearance and thus I judge others to justify to myself my own self judgment, instead of realizing the abusive nature of judgment and simply not allowing it to exist within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, instead of stopping the judgment within me, towards myself and towards others, I have allowed myself to take joy in judging others because I have allowed it to give me a sense of relief as not only I am not perfect but others are not perfect as well, and thus through judging others I accepted my own self judgment and believed self limitation within believing that I am defined by my appearance and since I have judged it as lacking I have believed myself to be lacking, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do so, instead of stopping myself as the judgment within realizing that I am not defined by what I look like, as that is self diminishment to compare myself and others as living beings to a one dimensional image, as I know from my own experience that who I am is not aligned with my appearance, though how I see myself within the relationship I have with myself is the basis of who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others based on how we look within placing myself as more or less than them depending on how close or far we are to the ideal I have created and accepted as an image in my mind, and thus if someone is further away from the ideal I will see myself as more than them, superior, and experience an uplifting energetic experience and will experience momentarily self acceptance, and if someone is closer to the ideal as I am I will see myself as less than them, inferior and experience a self judgment and will not accept myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed, as how I experience myself, by a point of comparison between me and others, not realizing that I, as how I am have not changed, yet I allow my experience to change according to people changing in my environment, instead of allowing myself to be equal to and as myself and remain stable, here as breath, regardless of who is around, and specifically regardless of the comparison I have created in my mind as a means to define myself, as to know how I should feel about myself accordingly, thus existing in total separation of/from myself as I need external stimuli to dictate who I allow myself to be in the moment, as self acceptance or self judgment .
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others and allow myself experience of myself to be directed by the judgment I make towards myself and others in relation to myself, not realizing that this is all done within the mind, as I do not change my appearance when I am around different people, yet I allow the comparison within my mind to change my experience of myself, as I go from a high to a low depending on who is around me and how much closer or further they are from the ideal image I have created in my mind.
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Saturday, December 29, 2012
This is a continuation from yesterday’s blog: Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on my appearance and within that to define myself according to how I look, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into energetic experiences as feeling and emotions due to the self judgment of how I look whether good or bad, thus allowing my experience to be directed by how I perceive my appearance to be in each moment, whether satisfactory according to some ideal I created, or non satisfactory
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that my appearance define me and thus I allow myself to judge myself as my appearance to evaluate who I am as the self definition of me, within this diminishing myself as life and comparing myself to a one dimensional lifeless image as a picture in my mind as a list of characteristics, as a caricature that I wish to resemble
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others in regards to appearance where I judge them as more or less than me and accordingly feel good or back about myself due to have defining myself in comparison to them, within this defining both them and myself according to appearance and thus creating for myself a one dimensional representation of reality as images as lifeless caricatures, instead of realizing that all are life and as life we exist as multidimensional beings, and thus allowing myself to interact with real live beings and not exist as a one dimensional cartoon figure I have created in my mind and has not real life value
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be more conscious about my appearance when I am around people that I judge as better looking than me, within this I allow myself to go into an experience of wanting to hide myself as to not show the imperfections within the concern that others will see me and compare me, as I do, to those better looking than me and will see / judge me as less than, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear their rejection within the belief / idea that they will prefer the other being due to them being better looking, and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect appearance to acceptance and thus fear not being accepted / loved / appreciated when in my environment there are better looking people, once again, not realizing that as I fear not being accepted due to appearance I am showing myself back to myself- that in fact I have been judging people according to their appearance and accepting or rejecting them based on my visual attraction to them, I realize within this that as long as I judge others for their appearance I will exist in fear of being judged for mine, thus I realize I must be the point of change and to stop the judgment both towards myself and towards others within the realization that we are not defined by our appearance, and within stopping the judgment stopping the fear of being judged by others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compensate my insecurities about my appearance through neglecting my self as my physical body and making it seem to myself and others that I don't care about appearances, thus creating a character within and as myself as someone who doesn't care about looking nice, when in fact I have been judging myself for my appearance because I do care, because I have given value to appearance, and thus I have allowed myself to exist as a lie within fear, within the belief that if I appear to not care about appearances no one will judge me but rather respect me for not caring, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself and others within allowing myself to exist and present myself as a character as someone that doesn't care, when in fact I do, instead of stopping the source of the lie which is the belief that appearance actually defines who I am, and within that belief justify the self judgment for not appearing as the ideal appearance, not realizing that this entire construct of self judgment is only existing through and within my participation acceptance and allowance - thus I realize it is up to me to stop - thus, I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating in thoughts, emotions, feelings, comparisons due to appearance, I stop myself immediately within breath, and I breathe and don't allow the thoughts to take me over, I remain here and do not participate with the temptation as the habit to go into and participate with giving value to appearance, I stop and breathe until the temptation is over and I am here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent / spite beings that I have judged as better looking than me within blaming them as who they are as good looking for making me feel bad about myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for being good looking instead of taking self responsibility for and as myself within realizing that they are not making me feel anything, it is all self created as I have allowed myself to define myself according to appearance and thus allow myself to feel inferior / not good enough when in my environment there are beings that I have compared myself to and have defined them as better than me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself according to my appearance, within a belief that I should look in a specific way to be accepted, and thus have not allowed myself to accept myself until I look in alignment to my belief as the ideal way to look, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never question how and why I have defined the ideal beauty as I did, and within investigating the point realizing that it was never actually my choice as what I believe to be pretty as a personal preference, but it has always been an accepted beauty ideal that I have came to accept through repeated and consistent interaction with the media and society, thus "eating up" the beauty model" I have being fed, allowing myself to be programed by mass media to belief some body shape / form are more valuable than others, some hair color / eye color / nose shape / posture and so on, are better and to be more valued than others - I forgive myself for never allowing myself to actually question this ideal, and to realize how abusive it is within realizing that all have a different shape / form to their body, thus any idea of ideal is an act of exclusion, and basically simply an opinion, not valid as the reality of life, but simply as an accepted opinion, thus within seeing from my own personal experience, and from the experience of others, the destructive consequences the beauty ideal has on myself and society, I commit myself to let it go, to stop myself from participating within it as an energetic entity within myself. When and as I see myself go into any energetic reaction due to my relationship to the beauty ideal - I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical, the actual physical is all shapes and all forms in equality, and thus there cannot be a preferred shape or form to the human physical body.
To be continued
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Thursday, December 27, 2012
The point of self acceptance or more accurately the lack of it, is extensive within me. I wrote out the other day in my blog Day 127 – Voices in My head, the back chat that came up within me while I was listening to an Eqafe interview and I noticed that a big portion of it is based on me not accepting myself unconditionally, lots of thought of self judgment coming up as comparison and competition towards others once I've defined them as more than me in one aspect or another in which I have defined and judged myself for lacking in myself, many thoughts of desires as desiring something external to fulfill me to give me a sense of completion, as I have not allowed myself to give it to myself within unconditional self acceptance, as I believe I am lacking and thus require something external, expressed through desires and fantasies, and of course straight forward thoughts of self judgment, actually beating myself up for not standing up as an ideal I have created in my mind.
I have an ideal as a list of properties that I believe should be / have, in order for me to be satisfied with myself, and I thus, expect / desire / need myself to match this ideal, as list of properties in order to achieve self acceptance. There is like an invisible scale, like a grading scale where I place myself on the scale, based on how I judge myself according to comparing myself to others - how will I know where to place myself if not in comparison to others in my life whom I've defined as more or les than me in regards to a specific property. Within this I see the illusionary state I have been existing as, where I expect myself to be one thing, as I expect /want myself to be placed high on the grade scale I have invented in my mind, and in self judgment I am never good enough, never holding up to my ideal.
An interesting thing within this is that I was going to say that in reality I am not where I expect myself to be on the grade scale, but in fact in reality, this grade scale doesn't exist - it only exists as the mind's idea and judgment, so it's not even to say that I expect myself to be more than who I am, but judge myself as less - because that would validate the grade system I have created within / as myself, the grade system that I am using as a tool to create inner conflict in my life - what I realize is that who I am will never be defined according to how high I score on some make believe scale, who I am is defined within my relationship to and as myself, within what I accept and allow within and as myself, and at the moment, what I have been allowing myself is to exist in a mind made polarity of expectation and self judgment - I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist as self judgment, self diminishment, self rejection - I realize that it's not about what it is specifically about myself that I reject, because as long as I accept and allow myself to be and exist as self judgment I will always be able to justify any point of self judgment as valid. I've been looking at and wanting to accept the content / property of myself, when in fact, the point is who I am within the relationship to / with / as myself, regardless of the actual content, thus, despite of how I currently judge myself.
What I mean by this is that looking at the actuality of how good / nice / beautiful / smart / special / effective / clever / insightful / consistent / calm / directive I am, is still within the realm of self judgment, and thus is not valid - any point of quantifying myself is not valid - who I really am as/within self judgment is the fact that I am not equal within and as myself, I am existing within the mind as I have created an ideal based on a value system injected to me by society through my acceptance, and instead of walking my life here, in breath, as unconditional self expression, accepting myself unconditionally as myself as I am life - I have given value to all these things / properties / characters and have allowed myself to exist in separation from / as myself within expectation and judgment.
I realize that as long as I exist in the polarity of expectation and self judgment, no matter what I do, what I look like, how I apply myself, what I say, how I behave... - I will find points judge myself for, because I have been allowing self judgment, as a construct, as a design, to exist within and as myself - I realize that within accepting and allowing self judgment I realize I will never be satisfied with myself, will never be content, will never accept myself unconditionally, within the belief that only if I become more, will I allow myself to rest - but that never happens because there always is another point to judge myself for and expect myself to improve in, and thus it becomes an endless race against myself - instead of realizing that all that I am is here, and all that I must do in order to accept myself is to allow myself to deliberately stop and let go the self judgment and to will /push myself to walk a step by step, practical process into self change - thus, accepting myself not from a starting point of allowing myself to continue as I have been, because I have realized that who I have been in unacceptable, as I have been existing in my mind as self judgment, and completely separated from the reality which is here and cannot be judged in self honesty because it is what it is, and thus, within living in separation from myself within the acceptance of self judgment, I have not really been living - so self acceptance is thus to accept that this is where I am at the moment, this is who I am at the moment - and not judge myself for it, within realizing that judgment is a mind manipulation, getting me to separate from myself even further, instead of embracing myself like a child and supporting myself to learn from my mistakes and assisting myself to change into a living being that is self directive, and exist as self honor, self respect and self trust, and thus to honor, respect and trust all life as life.
But how do I become self acceptance if at the moment I am judging all that I do not accept about myself, I must then allow myself to let go the judgment - fear comes up - why do I experience the self judgment as protecting me in some way which would cause me to fear letting go of it - the point I see as justifying judgment, within the experience that it is protecting me, is from the starting point of if I judge myself I am protecting myself from others judging me, as if, if they see me judging myself they won't need to, they might even take pity on me and show me that I'm not as bad as I believe myself to be, they will even give me positive reinforcement - thus, I see within this that I am using self judgment as emotional manipulation to get positive feedback from others and to avoid negative feedback - I realize I have created myself as the character of self judgment as a defense mechanism, and have been playing the part long enough to believe it to be me in fact, to forget it is just a character that I can stop participating with in any time, as I realize it is causing harm to myself and others.
How do I stop self judgment? The only way to do it, is to simply do it - when and as I see myself go into self judgment as back chat of self judgment come up within me, or back chat of comparison or competition, or when back chat of desires or fantasies come up - I stop myself and breathe, I realize all these back chats are holding within them self judgment, and I do not allow myself to participate with self judgment any more - when self judgment comes up - I stop it immediately, when I see I have fallen into self judgment I stop myself, forgive myself in the very moment, and write out the specific back chat to walk specific forgiveness on each point of self judgment that comes up within me, until I'm done and am no longer enslaved to self judgment.
In the next blogs, I will walk a process of self forgiveness for the specific back chat of self judgment that come up during the day.
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Tuesday, December 25, 2012
I find that when I am placed with options, making a decision is hard for me. It's hard for a few reasons, I don't want to make the wrong choice, so I will avoid making the decision, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I will avoid making the decision and just wait for circumstances to direct me, I don't want to take responsibility as being accountable for the decision I had made so I will ovoid making the decision and I will pass on the decision to someone else, and so on and so forth.
There are so many points in my day where a direct decision is called for and as many as they are, are number of the excuses of avoidance - I realize this is a point of fear, as if it takes such courage to make a decision and I have been too much of a cowered, afraid of the consequences of the decision I make, but not considering the consequence of not making the decision, the consequence of not taking responsibility, the consequence of being directed by fear of conflict and emotional manipulation, the consequence of not allowing myself to be the directive principle within applying common sense within the principle of equality as what is best for all - instead I have been living that which supports and feeds my fears, as every time I avoid making a decision due to fear I am giving more power to my fears and taking away from my directive power, doing so within justifying it with all sorts of self definitions as I protect the personalities I believe myself to be, as I accept myself as limited to a specific personality, as I suppress myself to such an extent that I don't even know what I would chose if I would allow myself to be free to chose.
People talk about freedom, having free choice - but what choice have I ever utilized if I have always just been following my mind, from one emotional reaction to another, being directed by justifications, beliefs and fears - all within self interest as the interest of the mind, to keep me in the dark, blind to what is here as the physical as life, blind to myself, to keep me believing I am the mind as I identify with the thoughts, emotions and feeling that come up within me but not directly by me, yet I believe them to define me - all so that the mind can go on and survive while I don't allow myself to live. Such a fuck up - and I have been the one allowing it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make decisions due to fear, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face the fact that I have never made a decision and have always ever only been directed by the mind as a lifeless puppet being told what to do and how to be by my thoughts, within self interest to "feel good" at the expense of not even living. What a price to pay….
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my desire to feel good and thus have always acted within this desire, thus not allowing myself to express myself in any way that might threaten my chances of feeling good, not realizing that not expressing myself is the highest price to pay as I have been paying with my life as who I am, and for what? For a momentary buzz of happiness that eventually goes away leaving me desiring more and more because I have diminished myself once again, suppressed myself once again for the sake of my addiction, leaving me with less than what I had as I have allowed myself to give my power away as the price of a momentary glimpse of happiness, not realizing that true happiness can only exist without fear and as the expression of self as happiness - without allowing myself the freedom of self expression, happiness will always be a fraction, an idea, an attempt, a cheap replacement for the real thing, that can only be achieved through self honesty in every moment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make decisions within the consideration of pleasing others and not hurting their feelings and thus compromising myself and not considering myself as who I am within self honesty, thus compromising life as I make a statement within my acceptance that I would expect others to compromise themselves for my emotional manipulations as well, and thus I am participating, creating and accepting a world where all compromise themselves and no one lives as who they are in self acceptance and acceptance of others, but a world of limitation, manipulation and compromise, a world of suppression where no one is actually living - I realize that as long as I don't will myself to correct this point I am giving my permission for all suppression to exist as I allow it to exist within me, giving permission to all emotional manipulation to exist as I am participating within it as I allow myself to be manipulated and directed by emotions - is this the world that I want for myself? Is this a world that I can trust to support all living beings? No - this is a world that thrives on self interest and fear - thus to stop this abuse and neglect of life I must start with myself.
I commit myself to investigate any point of avoidance, within investigating the trigger point as the why am I not allowing myself to express myself as the decision, and to walk the correction from self forgiveness into physical practical application
Monday, December 24, 2012
I've been walking this process for some time now, always within a point of doubt towards the possibility and the ability to stop ones thoughts, as I experience them being so many and moving so fast it makes it almost impossible to stop them. So, instead of using the tools as writing and self forgiveness within self trust that only through self dedication will there ever be a chance to start seeing all the thoughts and bringing them to my awareness and investigating their origin point and see why am I holding on to them, as to see what is the point of self interest, and within finding the point allowing myself to let go and stop them, as I stop my participation with them, time after time after time, until their energy runs out - instead of doing this I was enslaved to the idea that it cannot be done, and I haven't even really tried.A few days ago I realized an interesting point, I was asked what were my thoughts during the day, and my initial response was to come up with two thoughts and then go into a giving up from perspective of "I can't remember all my thoughts, there are too many", but then after a few moment I looked at it again, and I suddenly realized that I've been kidding myself - I don't have a million thoughts, I have about 4-7 main thought categories and they each come up in many different expressions - when I saw this I realized how much time I have wasted due to not allowing myself to simply start my process of investigating the thoughts, because I allowed myself to be enslaved to my fears and beliefs, instead of trusting myself here, and opening up what will come up and not worry about not getting it all NOW, but just starting to walk one thought at a time, I allowed myself to be enslaved to overwhelmingness instead of directing myself to support myself.
I realize my mind is like a big recipe book, where each specific thought is like a recipe. So I have this big heavy book to go through and it seems like it will take forever, but actually the recipes are divided into categories, just as I've seen my thoughts are an expression of a few categories, and many of the recipes have the same ingredients that repeat themselves, just my thoughts are created by energetic reactions as emotions and feelings, so I must allow myself to open the book, and start investigating the recipes one category at a time, one recipe at a time, to see what ingredients create it, as to see what energetic reactions are behind the thoughts, which specific emotions and feelings are creating the thoughts, and then, through self forgiveness correcting the ingredients one by one to align myself a living expression that is best for all, an expression that will support me and manifest a healthy and effective recipe book - to come to a point that all the recipes in the book are the best possible recipes, with the best ingredients possible.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by overwhelmingness to the extent of not allowing myself to start my process of self support within self investigation in self honesty due to fear of the vastness of the mind, not realizing that the mind is limited from perspective that it feeds me the same train of thoughts over and over and from that perspective, makes it easier to deal with as there are really infinite thoughts but a hand full of categories that are based on the same energetic reactions - thus, I commit myself to start my process of self investigation, I commit myself to dedicate myself to self change within allowing myself to look at the thoughts and within self honesty see where they are coming from and what are they showing me, within allowing myself to let go the self definitions I have created about myself as self limitation, and allow myself to expand beyond what/how I've known myself to be, as self directive principle within understanding that I have been limiting, abusing and compromising myself and all life as myself through accepting and allowing myself to remain enslaved by the mind - it's time to stop - it's time to actually walk this process and clear myself from the preprograming that I have been existing as and to start living as self expression, as life.
Yesterday I was listening to an EQAFE interview and wrote down all the back chat that came up in that one hour, each thought/back chat was unique, as they didn't repeat themselves directly, but I've noticed a few main points/categories that keep coming up over and over, each time they are slightly different, what I find is that most of these points come to my awareness as back chat, as a voice in my head, then if I listen to the voice and give it my attention, I allow myself to get drawn into it, to fall into my mind and create like a movie scene in my imagination where I visualize the scenario, and completely separate myself from what is going on around me here in the physical reality, in many cases I experience it as if I fall a sleep, but I'm not falling a sleep, I am falling into my mind, as I'm allowing myself to follow the back chat into the imagination visualization, and at that point I am not here any more, I am up there in my mind, completely separated, completely lost - the categories I noticed yesterday were:
1. Responsibilities and commitments - all the list of chores haunt me at moments when I am not free to do them, thinking of excuses to why I didn't do them, judging myself for not doing them, thinking of ideas of how I will do them and when
2. Food - specifically when I'm hungry, thoughts about what will I eat, how will I prepare it
3. Appearance - judging my appearance, comparing myself to others, judging others
4. Irritation - reacting to things people say, taking things personally, perceiving others are reacting to me in irritation
5. Movies - replaying scenes from movies or TV series
6. Relationship - fantasize about relationships/sex, thinking of guys I desire, guys I was in relationship with
I commit myself to walk each category, through the practical steps of opening up in writing the specific back chat that come up, and for each back chat to identify the reaction that it holds within it, to identify what is the energy as emotion or feeling within it, to investigate what exactly did I react to, what made me react, what word or movement, something external that I took in from my environment and reacted to, and then ask myself why did I react, what memory do I hold that trigger that reaction, what past experience created this program within me.
Within this I realize that there is no point to take any of this personally as taking it personally is another mind tactic to keep me from actually investigating in self honesty, as taking it personally is within judgment and blame, and thus a barrier from actually seeing it as it is, as a program that I have allowed to run through/in me, but it is not me, it does not define me, it's not who I am, and thus identifying with it, with the back chat with the thoughts, I counter productive - a funny analogy was shared with me, and it really "hit home" - the voices in my head that I identify with, it's like walking into a dark room, and hearing someone speak and believing it is me - what is funny that if I would go into a dark room I would know that I am not the one speaking, I didn't direct myself to speak, I didn't intend myself to speak and thus I didn't speak - but in the mind I allow myself to believe it is me that is thinking all these thoughts, even though I didn't direct myself to think any one of them, I didn't intend to think them, yet I hear them in my head and believe them to be me - it's in sane…
Even as I'm writing I have thoughts as a voice in my head speaking to me - so this is where I am, completely possessed by my mind - and that's all the reason to get in gear and start walking this process because I've had it up to here, and I will not accept this anymore - it doesn't make any sense that I am being directed by a voice in my head, instead of being here as self, as breath, and actually directing myself as the living being that I know I am if I only allow myself to be.
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Saturday, December 22, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blogs:
Day 123 - Physics and the Desteni Process - From Overwhelmingness to Normal
Day 124 - Behind the Scenes of "Physics and the Desteni Process" series - Self Forgiveness
Day 125 - Behind the Scenes of "Physics and the Desteni Process" series - The Mind as a Pendulum - Self Forgiveness
in relation to the blog series “physics and the Desteni Process”
I started writing the blog series "physics and the desteni process" and within investigating the experience of overwhelmingness that came over me after a few days of starting writing, I realized that my initial starting point of writing about physics wasn't valid as a point within it was that I wanted to prove the physics community wrong, wrong from the perspective of showing that they have been looking at reality through a very narrow lens, and making assumptions that have had harmful consequences on our reality because they carry an entire belief system within them that is not aligned with what is best for all, while disregarding other perspectives that could be more supportive for humanity as a whole.
I wanted to show through physics that reality can, and should, be looked at from a different angle, an angle that it's sole purpose is to benefit our life here on earth, and when I say "our" I mean all of us, all that is here, all humans, all animals, plants, the earth itself and everything created by and from the earth, in other worlds, everything - I realize that even though my intentions were "good" as to show, expose and investigate points within physics and find ways to apply them as what is best for all - my starting point was not valid because it was based on energy - the question that I should always ask myself is "who am I within it" because what I've realized is that I didn't do it from a starting point of humbleness, like a child, investigating the world, asking questions and expressing themselves, but rather from a starting point of ego and separation, as I wanted to prove physics wrong and within that to prove myself "right". Instead of utilizing the tools and the knowledge of physics and applying them within common sense within walking a humble investigation, I have approached it from a starting point of walking into a battle field, preparing myself for war against physics, me against them, and within this starting point I created fear, fear of losing the battle that I have created in my mind, fear of being judged/mocked/ridiculed/crucified by the physics community that I have went to war against.
I realize within this that I have actually been showing myself my participation with my own inner battle, battling between the two personalities within myself that contradict each other, as the "physics" personality and the "desteni" personality, and thus experienced myself in an inner argument between both personalities that I have defined myself as through out my life. It took me a while to realize that I have been projecting my inner battle onto my starting point, and now that I have, I commit myself to investigate, forgive, and let go both personalities within realizing that both are equally limiting me within/as my self expression, and are equally an illusion of self. I realize that within the starting point of a battle, I've walked it as a bully, and in turn expected to be bullied in return, which then created fear within me as the fear of being crucified by the physics community for not being qualified enough to speak my mind about physics. Which then took me to a point of self doubt, "maybe it's true, maybe I am not qualified to speak about it, I didn't study as much as so many others"… and all this mind fuck is a result of my starting point being within energy, desire and inner conflict.
I realize this starting point isn't valid, it isn't valid because I forgot myself within it and instead wanted to prove a point within energy as to win the argument I created in my mind, in a desire to be right, in a battle between personalities, compromising myself through creating a desired end result for the project, as the desire to win the battle and being appreciated by the scientific community, and this desire built up to the belief that I, as the blogs that I write, must be approved and accepted within defining myself and my own self acceptance within the dependency of the acceptance and approval of others. Within this all I have been basically preparing myself to fall, because before starting writing and investigating the point, how can I already desire a specific outcome? While within desiring a specific outcome, anything else I will interpret as a failure, and then go into self diminishment for not making it - what I see here is relevant for any project, how important to remain stable in breathe, here, and walk the points as they open up, one step at a time, not from a starting point of wanting to prove something to anyone, but from a starting point of wanting to clear the point up within/as myself, to investigate for myself, to show myself the common sense in specificity, so that I know for myself that when I speak about equality, or when I speak about anything, I have shown myself the validity of what I am saying, and thus not say it from a belief, but from actual self investigation, and thus can speak it in self trust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start a project within a starting point of wanting to prove others wrong and myself right, within this walking within energy as the desire to be right, from a starting point of ego and separation, instead of allowing myself to allocate myself within the starting point and walk the project for/as myself, within doing so, investigating and expending and expressing myself for/as myself, not dependent on others to see and approve my writing as myself, but to walk in self acceptance as I open up the point one step at a time, not within a future projection as a desire to get something out of it, but here, in the moment, writing unconditionally regardless of the outcome.
I commit myself to when starting a new project, to investigate myself as the starting point and to ensure that I am walking the project for/as myself within/as breath, within this, when/as I see that I my starting point is of desire to prove myself right or someone wrong, I stop, I breathe, I realign myself back to myself, I do not allow myself to continue the project while in a starting point of desire to be right, because I've seen the outflow of such a starting point results in self compromising and compromising of the project as a whole, thus I commit myself to take self responsibility for my starting point within everything I do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into this project from a starting point of a war between me and physics, instead of walking it from a starting point of cooperation, as I utilize the knowledge of physics and further investigate it within the principle of best for all, within looking at the points for the first time in new eyes, as to see how humanity can learn from physics and benefit our reality, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my inner battle between the two personalities instead of stopping myself and investigating each personality to put both to an end within realizing that both are self limiting because I have defined myself as them and thus felt constraint to maintain the personality, not allowing myself to expand and evolve in every moment of breath according to what is here in every moment, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a war zone in my mind, and thus create an experience of fear within believing the war to be true.
I commit myself to investigate my starting point within every project I start, within making sure I am not starting it within a war in my mind, as I've realized any idea of a war is a projection of an inner war existing within/as myself and thus I commit myself to take self responsibility to investigate the inner war and to put a stop to it within writing, self forgiveness and corrective statement, as I realize it is not acceptable to exist within an inner war, battling two personalities within myself and projecting this war onto a perceived war with others, I realize the acceptance of inner war is both compromising myself and others as I allow myself to attack them, thus, when I see myself experiencing myself in a war with another, I stop myself and breathe, I take it back to myself and investigate what am I fighting within myself, what are the two points of polarity within myself that I have allowed myself to project and thus exert the war outside of myself and compromise all around me in "dragging" them into my own self created battle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be blinded by my "good intentions" and thus not allow myself to see that within the starting point of good intentions I am walking within energy, and thus creating an energetic polarity and thus experience fear and overwhelmingness as a result, thus I commit myself to, when going into a project within "good intentions" to stop myself and breathe, to not trust "good intention" blindly but to take a moment and investigate who I am within these intentions, as to find the point of energy within me and clear it up within self forgiveness and to continue walking this point/project in stability and thus prevent the inevitable fall that is sure to come within walking within energy, and thus utilize prevention as the best cure.
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Thursday, December 20, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blogs:
Day 123 - Physics and the Desteni Process - From Overwhelmingness to Normal
Day 124 - Behind the Scenes of "Physics and the Desteni Process" series - Self Forgiveness
in relation to the blog series “physics and the Desteni Process”
Within investigating the point that came up within myself as overwhelmingness towards writing the blog series "physics and the Desteni Process", I came to see the mind as a swinging pendulum, as it takes me from one polarity to the next, as from an energetic high to a low. In this blog I am still walking the point of overwhelmingness as a result of allowing myself to go into excitement and be blinded by it, to then face reality unprepared and fall to the other polarity as the mind's force pulls at me, sand I, as long as I don't stand up and direct myself, will be subject to the force of the mind within it's pendulum like movement. I have made a note to myself to expand on the behavior of a pendulum from a physical perspective, In blogs to follow I will.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become excited about writing the "physics and the Desteni Process" blog series within believing that I am doing something special, valuable and important, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remain here in stability within realizing that there isn't anything special about self expression and self exploration, this is normal, and thus within realizing that what I am doing is normal I see that the excitement was a mind creation as giving more value to what I was doing, in the self interest of feeling good and special about myself, not seeing that any acceptance and participation in the mind's polarity will sure to be followed by the other end of the polarity, which is what I experienced within going into a state of panic and overwhelmingness, within this I see, realize and understand that the mind works in polarities, moving from one to the other and back again, as a pendulum, out of balance, going back and forth and only resting in the extreme points, thus I realize that any participation within and as the mind whether the good/positive experience of specialness or the bad/negative experience of overwhelmingnss, are both giving the pendulum of the mind more energy and power over me, instead of supporting myself to stop within breath, and not allow myself to give more force to the pendulum, to actually be able to come to the point of rest as the balance point of equilibrium, where the pendulum is not resting for a fleeting moment before it accelerates to the other extreme, but is in fact as rest, here, as all that is here in equilibrium.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get "pumped up" about the physics blog series, and within that not keeping myself grounded as one with breath, within this I realize that the experience of being "pumped up" over something is a for of separation within not allowing myself to look at the reality of the point, to see it for what it is, but instead I have added onto the point value, expectations, future projections and fantasies, within thinking as back chat “I will change the face of physics”, “I will prove the Desteni Message”, “I will assist and support so many beings”, “I will publish a book and become famous”, “This is a dream come true, a dream I never believed I will pursue – this is so exciting”… - and thus within allowing myself to exist within and as my mind and disregard all that is here as the physical practicality of the point, I deluded myself and thus paved the way for a fall, as when my fantasy met reality there was a gap, and within realizing the gap between my self created fantasy and reality is where I allowed myself to fall into overwhelmingness, and thus allow myself to be driven and directed by the mind, going from the one polarity to the other, as a pendulum going back and forth, subject to the force of gravity as I have allowed myself to be subject to the force of the mind.
I am grateful to realize within this point that when I make a decision to do anything it would be most supportive to not allow myself to go into an experience of excitement within realizing the blinding effect the mind is creating through such excitement, to through the blinding excitement set myself up for a fall, thus I realize I must support myself to let go the excitement factor, to let go the expectation and future projections, and simply look at what is here and evaluate the steps required to walk the point, as in this case, the steps were to actually investigate physics, to commit myself to self study, to realize that people will be reading these blogs and will share positive/negative feedback and so on, and thus to prepare myself for each of the points that are practically one with the project I set out to do, thus I realize now, and forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate the project and only see within it specific aspects that within only looking at them I become excited, not allowing myself to realize that I have been deluding myself as deliberately blinding myself to the wholeness of the project and thus to the practicality of walking the project, and thus deliberately setting myself to fall.
within this I see, realize and understand that the point of excitement is a point of self sabotage, as blinding oneself from the reality as the totality of a point within separating it to parts and only allowing oneself to see specific aspects of it that one want to see and thus become excited within self interest to experience the high of the mind's pendulum, while ignoring the predictable outflow as the pendulum will eventually reach the other extreme due to the forces working on it, to then face reality unprepared. Within this, I commit myself to slow myself down within breath, and when approaching a project to allow myself to see it as it's totality, and not allow myself to separate it and blind myself to the part I don't wish to see, as hard work for instance, but instead to make sure I walk into the project as a self committed self directed decision after I have seen all the points and prepared myself properly.
I commit myself to stop myself and breathe when and as I experience myself going into excitement, I commit myself to investigate the point of excitement and not trust it blindly within self interest to feel momentarily good, but to realize the reality of excitement as a polarity extreme that will inevitably end with the other side of polarity being manifested as an energetic low, and so back and forth into infinity, unless I stop my participation and stand up within/as breath and direct myself as one within the physical reality .
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Wednesday, December 19, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog:
Day 123 - Physics and the Desteni Process - From Overwhelmingness to Normal
in relation to the blog series “physics and the Desteni Process”
I’m taking a brake from the physics series from perspective that, for a moment, I won’t be writing about a new point in the field of physics, but instead I will walk through the point of my process within writing this series, within realizing that the process of walking the physics series is a point of expanding myself as self expression, and thus is obviously not separated from myself as the process of walking myself into clarity, self responsibility and self defectiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a resistance towards this project as writing this physics series once I realized I would have to actually investigate and do some leg work in order to be clear and accurate with the points I am opening up, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a sense of regret within self judgment for not actually integrating the material when I was studying it and as consequence, now, I have to do the work again, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relive the experience I had through out my degree as of not being smart enough to be able to understand and interpret physics, and thus, now, when I realized I don't remember all the material in specificity and thus would have to re-learn all of it, I panicked, within allowing myself to go back into the experience of inferiority I had through out my degree, all this instead of realizing that I am walking this point for myself, as I am educating myself about the world I exist in, in order to become more effective within my daily application, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take this as an opportunity to brake the self create idea that I am inferior to physics and within walking the step by step process of learning what has been said and within applying critical reasoning to empower myself through allowing myself to express my perspective and insight within the starting point of expanding myself, as I take the physics into practical supportive application to find clarity and .
Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and believe myself to be the "lazy" character, and thus when I realized how much work there is to do I panicked, within believing myself to be lazy, within allowing myself to base my self-definition on past experiences and memories, and thus, due to never having done anything like this before, due to never before applying myself within self direction and consistency, I have allowed myself to believe I am not able to do so, instead of looking a the point in self honesty to commit to understanding it so I will be sure to never allow it to direct me again, investigating why I have never before allowed myself to excel, to push myself into consistent and effective application - I realize that instead of going into a panic within an experience of overwhelmingness, the common sense thing to do would be to see how I can improve, how I can learn to become effective, to stop the fear of failure because it only exists in my head and is limiting me as I believe it to be valid and justified based past experiences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as lazy within self interest as it has always been more convenient to believe myself to be incompetent than to stand and take self responsibility and actually apply myself as the directive principle as what is best for all, within this i commit myself to walk a process of self change, within realizing that the only way to build self trust is to allow myself to stand up and take self responsibility, within realizing that only through taking self responsibility will i expand and allow myself to become a being that I myself trust and respect as a being that is self directive and self committed to self transformation through self application. Within this, I commit myself to stop myself as self interest, as when i see myself falling into laziness within the justification of self definition, I stop myself and breathe, I correct myself in the moment to push myself to do that which needs to be done, within considering myself in my process and not allowing myself to be directed by the mind as justification and self definition within realizing that it is limiting and restricting me from being all that I can be
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within believing myself to be lazy and incapable of directing myself into self commitments, to not allow myself to learn how and thus allowing myself to exist as self limitation instead of allowing myself to change myself as self directive to become that which I have never considered I could be as effective, self directive, consistent - thus I commit myself to investigate why I have not allowed myself to be effective, self directive and consistent within finding the points of self interest that I have been holding on to as convenience ,and within this I commit myself to find and apply practicable tools as writing, self forgiveness, self corrective statements and breathing, to assist and support myself to become effective, self directive and consistent - and thus to establish self trust, self respect and self value.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to panic within the expectation that each day I will be ready to write a sufficient blog about a complete point in physics, within realizing that I must investigate the points and become clear about them due to having forgotten the specifics of the material, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not remembering all the material in specificity and thus exist in the past within regret, not realizing that by participating in self judgment as regret I am making the process harder on myself as instead of being here and walking the point within breath I have allowed myself to be in my mind as self judgment and thus not give myself the chance to be effectively here as breath, one and equal to the point that is here, within this, i commit myself to learn from the past and not judge myself because of it, and thus to make sure that my starting point is clear within everything id and if i decide to do something I commit myself to it in order to not repeat the mistake of doing something half way and then judging myself for not integrating it as myself, within this I realize that the only way to walk this point is to walk at my own pace, to slow myself down and walk the points as they open up and walk them within the starting point of self, of investigating and exploring the points for self expansion, and then share what I have found and realized for others to see, learn and expand as well.
I commit myself to walk every point within the starting point as self, and thus see, realize and understand why I am doing what I am doing, within this i commit myself to if deciding to walk a point, to dedicate myself to the point as myself and investigate within self honesty, within self trust that step by step, walking within breath, i will slowly but surely reveal the point to myself as myself, and open it up as self realization as i get to know myself through seeing my relationship with every point i walk, and thus expand, one point at a time.
I commit myself to establish self trust through allowing myself to support myself through writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective statements, to let go the self diminishment that has been the excuse to not stand up and take self responsibility, and within this I commit myself to use this point of the physics series of blogs to prove to myself that I can be consistent and effective and that within realizing this is a process, and I am learning myself as I'm walking, to give myself time without self judgment, and walk this point as self expression, into self gratification within knowing that I am walking and will keep on walking until I stand stable within and as myself
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Tuesday, December 18, 2012
This blog is a part of a blog series “physics and the Desteni Process”
Day 1 - Physics and the Desteni Process - Introduction
Day 2 - Physics and the Desteni Process – Newton's First Law of Motion - the Principle of Inertia
Day 3 - Physics and the Desteni Process - Newton's Third Law of Motion - Equal Force
Day 4 - Physics and the Desteni Process - Newton's Second Law of Motion
Day 5 - Physics and the Desteni Process - Scientific Paradigm
Day 6 - Physics and the Desteni Process - Newton's Second Law of Motion - Forces
I have moved the physics blog series to a separate blog : http://physicsjournettolife.blogspot.com/
When I first started writing about physics I made a list of some concepts, principles and laws that I would like to address within showing how they reflect our reality in a broader way and how they reflect and support the principle of equality as the law that govern our reality. I then started with the most basic and tangible part of physics - mechanics. Though, the more I wrote the more I realized how much investigation is necessary for me to be sufficiently clear about the points, both from the physics perspective, and from the perspective of bringing it together with the principle of equality - I've been doing so within questioning the interpretations of the laws/principles/concepts and taking them into consideration from the starting point of learning from them how we can support ourselves as humanity, as life, to stop the direction we have allowed ourselves to accelerate in, and change ourselves to a direction that is best for all, coinciding with the natural forces as the principle of equilibrium and equality.
As I was sitting down to write my blog today I didn't know how to continue and I panicked - in the past few days I have been experiencing a sense of high, as I've been riding the mind's energy, instead of grounding myself here, and walking step by step, breath by breath, point by point , and today when I didn't know how to continue I fell to the polarity of the high that I had accumulated through out the past few days, and found myself today experiencing myself overwhelmed by it all. Overwhelmed by the vast field of physics - feeling myself inadequate, as too small to take it on, perceiving these points/concepts are too big for me to grasp, too big for me to interpret, too big for me question, too big for me to understand. Overwhelmed by the positive feedback I've been receiving - experiencing an energetic high within realizing that people are actually reading what I'm writing, experiencing myself as visible / seen / known / famous , and as a result experiencing a sense of responsibility within the desire to stand up to the expectations that I have projected on the readers and within that going into fear of not keeping up with myself and not writing a worthy / clear / direct / accurate post. Overwhelmed by the depth and vastness of reality as the physical as what is here, and overwhelmed by the fact that I don't have all the answers, I don't know what reality is, I don't see the full picture - I am just working it out, and scared of making mistakes, scared of failing myself, scared of being challenged on what I've written and not knowing how to explain, not knowing how to back it up effectively. Overwhelmed by the feeling that I'm doing something valuable and within it feeling special and unique, overwhelmed by the thought that this could be an important series, that if done correctly and effectively may benefit someone else besides myself, or dare I say humanity - I now see that within this all I had lost myself, I had forgotten my starting point, or actually, I've realized that I haven't established a clear starting point within myself to begin with.
I went into overwhelmingness instead of realizing that what I am doing isn't special or unique but is simply normal. Doing things like this, writing, expanding, exploring, investigating, sharing, for the best interest of all - this is what normal should be - a being investigating a point and sharing it equally for all to see, not from a pretentious starting point of knowing it all but walking it from a humble starting point of equality, as the being learns the point, they share the point as it opens up, as they expand through the investigation and allow all to learn and expand as well, showing that all points that are here, can be known by all equally and understood by all in simplicity.
What I've been doing within writing this blog series should be experienced by me as simply normal, yet I've never lived this kind of "normal" - I've always interpreted normal as mediocre, boring, uninteresting, unimportant, invaluable - and thus by walking the point of physics, I have become involved, participating and creating something interesting, exciting and valuable - I couldn't see it as normal, and I couldn't help myself from going to overwhelmingness, because I've never done anything like this before, I've always been so busy entertaining myself and doubting myself, that I've never allowed myself to express myself in the learning stages of a process and share myself for others to learn as well. Thus, normal should be, and actually is, if we allow ourselves to see the common sense within it, expanding together as one, equalizing ourselves through assisting and supporting each other, each one in their field of interest, seeing that no point is too big, everything can be broken down to it's basics, we can all be equally knowledgeable, equally understand this reality and equally participate and contribute, we can equally support ourselves to empower ourselves to be more than we have ever allowed ourselves to be within taking self responsibility and changing ourselves into self excellence, to then change reality as a whole as what is best for all, for all life to live, and enjoy, and express, and expand together as equal individuals.
How have we accepted a world that doing that which is best for all, standing up for life is seen as something big, special and extraordinary, when it should be the most natural and normal thing, and it's not as if we are inventing something, creating some form of magic, manifesting something new - we are basically picking up after ourselves, cleaning up the mess that we have created through our acceptance and direct participation in the current world system as all the construct within our world are based on the distractive nature of self interest, greed and desire for power - so why is cleaning up one's own mess, correcting one's own mistakes, clearing up one's own misunderstandings, perceived as something special, when it is in fact the most sane, sensible, logical and normal thing to do?...
So here I am starting over, establishing myself within my starting point, realizing that I am not doing anything special, I am writing myself to freedom, walking my own journey to life, braking down a subject that I have access to so that all can have equal access, expressing myself as I investigate the point, as I am learning it, rediscovering it and redefining it to be aligned with what is best for all. I am expanding myself through investigating the point of physics, I am challenging myself to question it and interpret it within the principle of equality as what is best for all, I am practicing critical thinking, I am practicing my own self expression , I am empowering myself through allowing myself to contribute where I can, I am learning about myself and enjoying myself - finally I am doing what is the sane, sensible, logical and normal thing to do.
More on this point in my next blog, and after I clear this mess up with self forgiveness and self commitment statements I will continue with the physics point, slowly but surely, one breath at a time.
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