Showing posts with label Bernard Poolman. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bernard Poolman. Show all posts
Friday, April 18, 2014
It’s been about a year since my last blog, I did actually write
one after Bernard passed, but didn’t push myself to make it into a renewed
habit – so here I am on day 219.
I am learning to appreciate the concept of counting our
blogs as days, marking the accumulation of our physical walk, as the writing we
post each day, and not allowing us to believe that the accumulation of time is an
indication of self movement, which is what I have been experiencing believing –
my experience was that I have been walking for about 5 years and I have been
holding on to this sense of self that I “should” be at some level of awareness
because I have been walking for so long, and I have compared myself to others
who have walked for as long as I have, seeing their progress, seeing their effectiveness
and believing that I should have been at their level because I have been
walking about the same time.
Within this I have not taken into consideration the actual
reality of the situation (and this is where our mind is so tricky - always
noticing that which will cause turmoil and inner conflict and friction) what I didn’t
consider is the consistency of my application, because I have not actually been
walking for 5 years, I have been walking the accumulation of the moments that I
have made a deliberate decision to walk, to be here, to choose self honesty, to
choose breath, to choose self support. And as the days of my blogs state, just
as one form of activity that can be measured, I have not been walking daily for
5 years - in the past two years, looking at my blogs, I have walked daily for 7
months in accumulation of this specific type of actual physical activity – now,
this is not to say that one is measured by their blogs, no, what I mean to
point out here, especially to myself, is that it is pointless to judge myself
according to an idea that I should be at some level, based on an ineffective
tool of measurement such as linear time, when in fact the accumulation of my
application is not based on time moving forward, but on me actually applying
myself.
It is not time that will change me. It is me that must
change myself.
So, here I am again, making the commitment to stop judging
myself in comparison to others that have walk more consistently and more effectively
than myself, but to learn from them, to inspire myself to realize that I too
can make the decision and actually walk it.
Right before starting this blog I found an old blog I had
written, some years ago, and I was amazed at how many of the points are the
same, it was frustrating and almost humiliating to see that I have not moved,
but at the same time that is what made me see once again the foolishness of
this self judgment, so I am grateful for that, as here I am, writing (yey) –
the point is that if I don’t walk the walk, how can I expect myself to change –
by doing so I am just forming a self sabotaging loop, where I am both not
walking and on top of that also judging myself for not changing – allowing myself
to exist in that polarity which will get me nowhere but further down the depths
of my mind.
What I did see through reading that blog and now, within the
process of writing this one is that even though I am still walking the same
points, what is clear is that both then and now I have a spark of awareness within
me, that point within me that does want to self realize, to expand, to unleash
and be free, to overcome the limited existence I have allowed myself and to
live up to my true potential – this point of awareness is here with me, as me,
now, as much as it was then, so what I see and realize is that this spark is
not letting go, it is here to stay - that gives me a sense of relief, realizing
that this spark within me that wants to live, is not going away. Within this I also
realize my responsibility of nurturing that spark and allowing it to grow and
expand within me, as me.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
I
just read the blog Self-knowledge
is the only basis of true knowledge - Day 415 and I would like to add to
that perspective.
I
have also watched the documentary Waiting
for Superman as well as the follow up The Inconvenient Truth Behind
Waiting for Superman - and noticed another interesting point as to how to
investigate the information being shared instead of eating it up blindly.
What
I noticed within the first documentary is that they were essentially blaming
the teachers and the tenure system as the cause for all problems in the
education system, and thus, they bring a solution in form of charter schools
which provide the best teachers for the best student experience. What I found peculiar
is the double standard it represents. Have a look, they were sharing their
approach with students, and how, with the right tools and support each student
can be the best, which I agree with, and that the failure of students within
the public system does not indicate the lack of the student but rather their
failure is indicating and pointing towards a bigger problem in the schooling system
- but here comes the double standard – if this is true for students, wouldn’t it
be just as true for teachers?
Is
it not true that if we realize that by giving each child the support they need
to become the best that they can be each child can excel, and thus, if students
are failing we must realize there is a problem in the education system instead
of placing the responsibility solely on the students, wouldn’t the same common sense be applied with
teachers, where if we see teachers that are disengaged and don’t do their best,
teachers that have given up on education and just sit around waiting for the
day to go by, not giving their students all that they need, wouldn’t that indicate
that those teachers have been failed by the system?
The
documentary blamed the teachers for being the problem in education, not
realizing the bigger picture that bad teachers are showing us, as a symptom, a
greater problem of the entire education system in its totality.
They
bring up the problem of tenure, and expressing it to be the reason why teachers
don’t care – but who of us wants to be doing something we don’t care about, wouldn’t
all of us prefer to apply ourselves in our chosen profession and do our best,
knowing that we are supported and encouraged to be the best that we can be?
The
point of tenure is in a way a fantastic system of protection, in a world where
people lose their jobs left and right, what would the teachers focus on if they
were threatened daily that if they do not perform they would lose their job,
what would their starting point of teaching be? not the children, but rather their
own self interest, survival and fear – how would that solution create a better
education system? This point obviously brings up once again the greater picture
of the economic system, where people are not looked after within the system but
rather are treated merely as a human resource, that can be disregarded and
replaced when the new and improved model comes in, this is true not only in
education, but in all fields, and thus, within this economic system where we
use and treat people as commodities, we are setting the ground for indifference
and disregard towards others, while enhancing self interest and personal gain
at all costs, in spite of the consequences we bring to those around us.
So,
here, im not saying that there are no problems with the tenure system, we can
plainly see that it has been used to manipulate the system for interests and
power rather than being a force that ensures that the education system as a
whole will always be in the benefit of all children. But here again we must not
forget to look at the greater system in which we all live in, and have accepted
as such.
They
show in the documentary the approach schools take to handle these bad tenure
teachers where they just rotate them from one school to another instead of
finding solutions to support them to become the best they can be, it is almost
like the system doesn’t want to support them in bettering themselves, the system
has given up on them, just as they have given up on children, just as children
that have given up on learning and on themselves.
It’s
all the same, as above so below – and the solution must be found for all levels
of the problem, isolating the problem within the realm of the students will inevitably
target the teachers as the problem, but that would be looking at it through tunnel
vision rather than actually investigating the problem and situation in all its dimensions
and finding an actual solution that will stand the test of time and that will
support all individuals involved.
Bottom
line, when inequality and double standards are being presented, there is always more to the
story that is not being shared, and in most cases this is done within hidden
interests in order to gain power and money through the control of public opinion.
And thus one must take responsibility and practice critical reasoning, and to deliberately
look for the double standards within the information that is being presented,
and not to watch / hear the information passively, one must question and
investigate in order to ensure that the information is aligned with reality and
not promoting a one sided interest, otherwise we will always remain as commodities,
as tools in the game in which others are playing, and powerless to influence or
change.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Bernard passed away – I knew this day would come, as we all
have a short time to live here in the physical, and then, in equality, we all
die, and Bernard is no different, but when I heard of his death I could not
believe it, how could Bernard leave us? We need him!!
As I saw this point come up in my mind I felt guilty, I
suddenly realized that I have grown to be dependent on him, waiting for him to
call the shots and make the decisions, counting on him to direct us to shores
of safety, and within that not actually standing in equality to Bernard and the
words of principles and equality he expressed, not living as self
responsibility through abdicating my responsibility to him.
So, what is my responsibility? I ask myself, and I answer -
To live as an example, as Bernard lived as an example, so that we can truly
have an equality equation of 1+1+1, where we all stand as individuals that are
living their full potential and are actually the full expression of who they
are as self directive principle in self honesty, becoming a full being, the
totality of ourselves, not diminished as we are living today through the
limitations and deceptions of our accepted and allowed relationship to the mind
– I have not been living up to my responsibility, and Bernard had to die for
this reality to once again hit me in my face – as I realized how much I have
been dependent on Bernard, and thus not standing up within and as myself, not
allowing myself to reach my true potential and actually become the totality of
myself, I realized that in a way I killed Bernard, he had to die so that I
would see, because, in self interest, I didn’t push myself enough to see this
before his death.
Many times he spoke about death, as the point of no return,
and I always connected it to the being that is busy dying, but in fact the point
of transformation in death is left for us, those who remain and keep on
breathing in our physical bodies. The point of death is the final point /
opportunity for us to see that which we wouldn’t look at and admit to previously,
so, in a way, someone has to die for us to realize the point, how many more people
have to die for me to see, how many more am I going to kill before I wake up
and take responsibility – obviously, now that he is dead, there is no turning
back, only looking forwards, and thus, it’s up to us, it’s up to me, to apply
myself and accordingly determine if he died in vain or not – from the
perspective of, if I learn from my mistakes, if I allow myself to change, if i
stand up and commit myself to live the principle that Bernard stood as and
lived as, then he did not die in vain, but, if I now give up and stop walking,
then, what was the point? – and either way, we cannot take back time, he is
dead, it’s done – but it’s up to us, up to me, up to each one of us, to make
the decision, as he would always say, and walk the decision as ourselves breath
by breath until it’s done.
He told me so many time that all I must do is make a
decision and walk it, and every time I walked it for a few days or even weeks
and then kind of forget about it, gave up on it, on myself, but I never really forgot
about it, I was just always consumed with myself interest, and preferred others
do the work while I was busy entertaining myself - each time this loop became harder,
because each time I have developed another layer of memories and experiences proving to myself that I
cannot make the decision to change nor walk the living example of equality, and like
Bernard had said many times as well, I was always my biggest enemy - keeping me
from being and walking that which I want to be and walk as, limiting myself
through holding on to memories and past experiences instead of allowing myself
to direct myself to change and become the best me that I can be, to live as the
full self expression of myself, in self honesty, here, as life, for and as
myself.
Tears are coming up – why? Guilt and shame for not getting
it sooner; fear for not making it as I have not made it in the past, and now
there is no Bernard to fall back on, to trust that he will give me a supportive
and well deserved shake or kick in the ass, each time I fall, pushing me to see
through his words the truth of me.
Bernard was always such a clear reflection, you know how
everybody is our mirror, and all we really see in others is always reflections
of ourselves, well, that’s true, but in many cases our reflection isn’t clear,
because it is smudged with the other being’s energies, beliefs, opinions,
judgments, and it makes it harder to determine what is my shit and what is
theirs – so in those cases we must take it all to self and equalize ourselves
to all of it and see ourselves in all the points that come up, and remove the
blame and judgment towards the other and so on… but my point I that with Bernard it, the reflection of myself,
was crystal clear reflection, there was never any confusion or judgment or
blame or judgment (did I mention there was no judgment?), there was only only
clarity – when I spoke to Bernard I not only felt that he could see right
through me, I could see through myself as well, there was no hiding with him,
hiding was never an option.
There is an interesting point here because its not like he
put a spell on me for me to be able to see myself, it was me who allowed myself
to see myself when I was in Bernard’s presence, because I believe he could see
me anyway, and whether he could or couldn’t – I am the one who allowed myself
to see myself in clarity, thus I am able to do this now that he is gone, it was
never him – it was always and is always me.
So, now as I tear I wonder how will I stand, how do I know I
can do this, how can I trust myself like I trusted Bernard? How can I live his
example?
I remember walking with him at the mall, and he had such a
slow and steady walk, his walk was so distinguished – even in his physical walk
I could find the key of how to walk within my process – by remaining slow and
steady within myself, walking in breath, one step at a time, one breathe at a
time – I realize now that I must slow myself down so that I can come back to
myself, to my own pace of breath and then accelerate with and as myself - this
is a point I learnt just from walking with Bernard at the mall. And there are
so many other little points of insight.
He once asked me what will it take for me to forgive a
friend that I’ve had continuous conflict with, and I didn’t understand what he
was asking, then he asked me to imagine them on their death bed, and asked if
they were dying could I forgive them then – I burst in tears, again it’s that
point of transformation at death, if they were to die and I remain, could I
forgive them then? Of course I could – and so why wait for death?
Why do I wait for death instead of living now, here?
I commit myself to waking up to life, I commit myself to standing
up within myself, I commit myself to allowing myself to face myself, one day at
a time, one breath at a time, I commit myself to breathing, to slowing myself
down, I commit myself to walk until it is done, I commit myself to stop the
self judgment and transform it into self support, I commit myself to write and
free myself through self forgiveness followed by practical application, I commit
myself to myself as life.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
It's a fascinating process - realizing that all that I define myself as and live by is only but a self created self belief, and that I have the power and the ability to question these self beliefs and, when and as I find that the self belief is of a self sabotaging nature as most are, to then change it, stop my participation with it, stop believing in it as the truth of me, stop following it and accepting it as the only reality of myself.
Having said that, the self belief I am currently facing is the belief that I require external motivation to get myself moving effectively - such as having someone telling me what to do, or having a boss that is looking out at me and will judge my actions, or having a partner that my actions directly influence them and thus they will be there looking out, making sure that I do my job - I see that by having such external points of motivation, I will motivate and move myself to actually get my responsibilities done within the starting point of wanting to please them and gain their validation, positive confirmation and approval, and simultaneously to avoid conflict and disappointment.
In other words, I have allowed myself to be directed by this self belief in such a way that if I am my own boss, where I can only disappoint myself, I am less likely to motivate myself effectively and to ensure that I apply myself to the best of my ability and complete my responsibilities -- sadly this implies how much I have been diminishing myself as my self value and self worth, as I value others more than myself, as I am willing to disappoint myself but not others, I am willing to brake my own word to myself and not stand within my responsibility when it hurts / effects me, but not others… obviously there is a deeper meaning and explanation rather then it just being how I value others more than myself, as I realize all this form of self sabotage is rooted in self interest, and thus actually is not about 'them' but rather about me at all times - but this is a topic for another blog...
Now, I realize that if I can be effective within a situation where external motivation is applied - this would mean that I do in fact have the capability of being effective regardless the situation, and thus the belief that I require external motivation is a self limiting belief, where through accepting it, I create myself in alignment to it and make it to be true - but when looking at this self belief critically - it doesn't even make any sense, because if physically and practically I am able to focus and be effective within one specific environment as when having external motivation, that implies that I have the capacity of doing so in any environment, as long as I let go the self belief that is limiting me from doing so.
I just had a conversation with a friend and they pointed out that sometimes instead of struggling to change one can support oneself in adjusting the environment to make it easier to function, and so if I believe I require external motivation, it's cool to see and admit to it within self honesty as seeing where I currently am, as what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, and then within realizing and admitting to this, one can support oneself with creating the environment that will best cater ones needs - this statement / idea / philosophy of his made me realize that there is a very fine line between being hard on myself, as banging my head against the wall so to speak, in trying to deliberately walk through such points into self change, and between taking the simple/physical/practical approach of accepting who I am as the self belief - I realize that walking this fine line is where self honesty is developed - this is where it's not a prewritten recipe with a right and wrong way to go about it - for example, I know I have been too hard on myself from the perspective that I have been allowing myself to judge myself and then my starting point was always within judgment, which created a form of struggle within my process, as if I am bad and must fix/change myself to deserve and be worthy of life - and my friend on the other hand has accepted his limitations and self beliefs and truly believes there is nothing to be done besides changing his environment/circumstances to suite him… I would like to learn to apply both, as to accept myself as who I am at this very moment within the accepted self belief, as this is where I am now, and from this point of awareness, of seeing clearly who I have created myself as, to realize that this self belief has power over me only as long as I allow it to, and from there to start a process of self investigation to understand the structure of the self belief, of my relationship to the self belief, to be able to let it go within self forgiveness and to not be enslaved to it any longer.
I have been judging myself and from a starting point of self judgment I have resisted to walk my process of self forgiveness, and thus have resisted to apply myself in writing and thus sabotaging my process of self change. I have been procrastinating writing with so many excuses and justifications, even though each time I have written it has been so supportive, and so, depriving myself from this support is simply a form of self neglect and abuse, as a form of a self statement of not being worthy of support due to the massive self judgment.
And so, I am here, and I stop the self abuse, I stop neglecting myself, I commit myself once again to support myself in writing, to open up the self beliefs, the thoughts, the patterns, one by one, within breath, slowly and surely until it is done. so here I am, starting over once again. Making the decision to take care of myself, to support myself and to free myself from the limitations, manipulation and abuse of the mind as I have allowed and accepted myself to exist as.
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Monday, May 20, 2013
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run and rush and within this to forget to breathe and thus to forget myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plan my day in such a way where I end up rushing from one place to the next with out leaving myself any time to breathe
I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to move from one activity to the next while not being here in breath and thus separating myself from myself as breath and from the activity that I am participating in, within this I realize that I can walk through my day within breath in every moment and still tend to all activities doing so from a starting point of being here within and as self within and as breath
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to slow down within the activities I am participating in, and thus, to not allow myself to walk them breath by breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a form of anxiety as I move through out my day, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush within the anxiety as if to get it done with and finished with, instead of stopping myself in the moment the rush / anxiety comes up, and within breath move myself to complete the task / activity within awareness of my breath as the hereness of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a sense of importance as I rush through out my day, and thus from a starting point of ego and importance I sabotage myself and do not allow myself to slow down and breathe here, within the justification that what I'm busy with is so important, I must rush, and thus allow myself to distant from myself as breath
I commit myself to practice being here in awareness as breath within everything I do
I realize that building this self awareness as breath as the hereness of myself will take practice and consistency, and thus, I commit myself to return to breath time and time again
I commit myself to make note of flag points that come up through out the day, and to use them as reminders to stop and breathe and return to myself here
I commit myself to when I am typing my writings of the day, to slow myself down in breath, allow myself to be here as the words I type
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to even be here within and as myself as breath, and thus miss out on the one important and valuable thing in life - breath - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blind myself with a sense of importance in regards to everything I do in my life, and thus to distract myself from myself as breath into the mind
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that all that I can do for myself at this stage is to support myself in returning to myself as breath, to build myself from breath as life - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still be tempted and lured by the mind as desires and fantasies and back chat and judgments, and to instead of stopping my participation within and as the mind, I still allow myself to go into it and entertain myself with it - even though I have seen and realized that nothing good can come out of it
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