Showing posts with label definition. Show all posts
Showing posts with label definition. Show all posts
Saturday, April 27, 2013
This is a continuation of my previous blogs: 
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
Day 182 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self forgiveness
Day 183 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self Commitments
Day 184 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Further Investigation
Day 185 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Waking Myself Up
And specifically a direct follow up to my previous blogs
Day 186 – Self Belief – “I’m not a Hard Worker”
Day 187 – Self Belief – “I’m not a Hard Worker” – Part 2
Day 188 – “I’m not a Hard Worker” – Part 3 - Self Forgiveness
if you haven’t already, please read them for further context.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not and incapable of being a hard worker within defining it specifically as physical labor, within a deliberate attempt to separate myself from the term of being a hard worker as a form of self sabotage and within this to justify the separation within associating being a hard worker to inferiority as related only to blue collar jobs thus allowing myself to overlook the physical and practical values of being a hard worker
Seeing this now I realize I must redefine being a hard worker in such a way that I can live as the expression of / as myself, to stop existing in separation from the term and thus to stop sabotaging myself through living out the expression of not being a hard worker, to then as a result feel bad and inadequate for living out the belief of not being able and capable to be a hard worker – I see, realize and understand that as long as I allow myself to exist in separation from / as the term as being a hard worker, I will not allow myself to experience myself as self worth, because I have been giving value to being a hard worker but am not allowing myself to live it as the expression of myself, and thus deny myself the opportunity of being one with the expression of the value I have given being a hard worker, within this, I see realize and understand that to ease the sense of inadequacy within aligning myself within and as the social construct, I have allowed myself to separate myself further from being a hard worker through judging those who do hard physical labor as inferior socially, within this, creating a situation for myself that I have no interest of changing, because within this judgment it is ok for me to not be a hard worker, and by doing so I am placing myself as superior socially – not allowing myself to see the absurdity of experiencing myself superior by not doing / applying a physical and practical action that is essential for the survival and existence of humanity in this physical reality.
When sounding the words “hard worker”, what stands out is “Heart worker” as putting my heart into what I am doing, into the work I am participating with – it’s really interesting that this should come up because in a way it sums up the effective and supportive aspects of being a hard worker, and removes the judgment and separation.
Putting my heart into the work I do would refer to being here, breathing, being in and one with the physical as the physical action and application I am busy with –within that, in no way being in the mind as not allowing self to participate in back chat, judgment, manipulation, or any form of energetic mind component – living the expression of being a hard worker, as a heart worker, to simply do what needs to be done within the specific task / job at hand - putting my heart into what I am doing, totally putting myself in what I am doing, being one with what I do.
I have never really taken a moment to look at the function of the heart and see how can I learn from it, as to learn from the heart’s expression to apply such expression as myself, within this, in relation to the point of being a hard worker, as a heart worker, as putting ones heart into whatever it is one does – in looking at the heart what I see is that the heart functions in the physical, as it is the physical engine of the physical body, and thus is responsible not only for itself but for the entire body, it consistently works beat by beat, as a physical rhythm, and it must be here in every moment, doing it’s job, nothing more and nothing less, in order to support the entire body with nutrients and oxygen. The heart does not see itself superior or inferior to the task it is doing as pumping blood around the body, and if it would create inner conflict or go into self interest, the entire body will suffer the consequences…
Thus, living the expression of a hard worker, as a heart worker is to be humble, and to do what needs to be done within the best interest of all, it is to stop the mind and not allow any judgments, justifications, excuses, beliefs or back chat to exist and direct self within doing the task / job - doing so within realizing that if one is busy in one’s mind, one cannot be busy doing one’s responsibility in the best possible way, and the consequences of one’s actions will affect all, and not only self, because of the interconnectedness of it all.
Within redefining “heard worker” as doing a task and putting myself / my heart into it, and not allowing myself to fall into the traps of the mind, as back chat, judgments, justifications, excuses, manipulation ext. I can see that it is a matter of decision, and not a predetermined personality trait that I can do nothing about, that I am separate from – this is a decision, to be here with what I am doing, to be responsible for what I am busy with and do it completely.
Anyone can do this, but within this I realize that I have lived all my life avoiding this point, creating and living according to resistance and so I realize I have created this as a pattern and to change myself within it I must push myself through the resistance that up until now I have allowed to direct me.
So, when and as I see myself applying myself half hearted, as not putting myself into it, and instead being in my mind, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical in breath, I restate to myself who I am: “I am here, I take responsibility to do this task, and I stand by my responsibility” and then, I breathe in stability to make sure I stop my thoughts / back chat / mind, and do the task.
When and as the thought / self belief that I am not and incapable of being a hard worker come up, I stop myself and breathe, I do not allow myself to entertain such thoughts / self beliefs as I have seen and realized that they are self sabotaging by nature and have no physical ground, thus, I realize that by participating with them I give them power over me, while by not participating within them, they will dissipate into thin air, and I will remain here, as directive principle. And so, I commit myself to stop myself in breath from participating in any thoughts or self beliefs in the nature of believing myself to not being a hard worker, instead I restate to myself that I am here, and being a hard worker is a matter of decision that anyone can make at any moment, and within this I make the decision in that very moment as to what would be best for all as self support, and I apply it effectively
When and as I experience resistance to continue a task, I stop and breathe, I slow myself down, I remind myself the reward of application is a natural sense of worth, and so, I remind myself the value of applying myself here in the physical, as it is what is best for me, and within supporting myself, is actually best for all.
I realize that in order to live the expression of self worth in every breath I must start living as self worth, to fake it till I make it, and thus, to put my heart into that which I have decided to do is an application of self worth within living the expression of equality as I am equal to the task I am doing, within this, I see that by not putting my heart / myself in what I am doing I am stating to myself that I am not worthy of the task as I am not applying it within equality, and thus, but not being totally in what I am doing, I am a living the expression of unworthiness and so become it, and so it is obvious that ot would be much more supportive for myself to actually walk through the resistance and back chat, to stop my participation within / as the mind, and become a heart worker, as I teach myself to slowly but surely do everything is do as the totality of myself, as I put myself / my heart into it, and just do it.
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Thursday, April 25, 2013
This is a continuation of my previous blogs:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
Day 182 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self forgiveness
Day 183 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self Commitments
Day 184 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Further Investigation
Day 185 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Waking Myself Up
And specifically a direct follow up to my previous blog Day 186 – Self Belief – “I’m not a Hard Worker”, if you haven’t already, please read it for further context.
By making the statement “I am not a hard worker” there are a few dimensions / layers that I am referring to in relation to the definition I have given “hard worker”.
By stating to myself that I am not a hard worker, I am saying that I don’t have the skill set of being a hard worker, as i don’t have the valuable list of characters I relate to being a hard worker, characters of integrity, taking responsibility, following through, completing a task, being humble.
But, at the same time I am not only saying I am incapable, I am actually saying I don’t want to, as I have defined the work that hard workers do, to be beneath me, I am a snob to such tasks, and when I find myself facing these jobs, I have to push through a lot of resistance, jobs like this that I have faced lately were cleaning the toilet, raking, doing physical labor, it is “not for me”, I’d rather have someone else do it – maybe this explains why I am proud of “them” for being hard workers, where I realize these tasks have to be done, because they are practical physical tasks and are necessary for the maintenance and up keeping of the physical environment we live in, and so I am happy that some people can do these tasks and not be bothered by it – obviously I never considered asking them if they really enjoy it, because I prefer not knowing and believing that they are cool as they seem, so long as I don’t have to get my hands dirty. Not wanting to get my hands dirty but wanting the job to be done – spoken like a true elitist.
And so, I have separated myself from this concept, as I do not see myself as all the positive aspects I have attached to the term “hard worker” as I’ve mentioned in my previous blog: “respecting “hard workers” for doing the actual valuable physical jobs, actually getting things done in the physical, they can be left on an island and they will survive because they are physical, they do what needs to be done, they don’t complain, they don’t manipulate, they don’t try to get out of it, they have integrity, respect for the work they do, and they can do any work with pride.”
And at the same time I am saying that I am “too good” for this type of job, I should have a white collar / high class job – someone else should be a hard worker, not me, judging the work as inferior, and those who do the work as inferior, and thus, I do not want to be defined / judged as inferior so I separate myself from such jobs.
So, it seems as I’ve created an interesting polarity here – where I see hard worker as both positive and negative, superior and inferior, and I have separated myself from both aspects. What I see here is that I am the one judging these tasks - yes, it is based on a social accepted judgment, but I am accepting and participating with this judgment towards particular jobs / tasks as being inferior, so first thing’s first – I realize I must remove the judgment.
Then, once I remove the judgment towards specific jobs I can redefine what it really means to be a “hard worker”, within exploring how I can actually live the definition as myself as a living expression of myself, rather than separating myself from it as I have done thus far, within limiting myself and trapping myself in the self belief of not being a hard worker.
Self forgiveness and redefining “hard worker” in my next blogs to come.
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Friday, November 16, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6
Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness
Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8
Day 88 - Fear dimension - Part 9 - self commitment
Day 89 - Fear dimension - Authority - Part 10
Day 90 - Fear dimension - Part 11 - Self forgiveness
Day 91 – Fear Dimension – Part 12 - Fear of Losing MySelf
Day 92 - Fear Dimension - Part 13 - Fear of Losing MySelf - Self forgiveness
I realize that I am here and cannot lose myself except as an idea I had of myself, thus, when and as I see myself going into fear of losing myself within the context of resisting letting go of a self definition or a definition I have believed to be true, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical reality, to myself as the physical body, I realize I can only lose myself as the mind, as an idea/definition, and cannot actually lose myself as life
I realize that within participating in self definition I am actually separating myself from myself and limiting myself to a narrow, one dimensional definition, thus, when and as I see myself holding on, within reaction, to a self definition of myself I stop myself and breathe, within breath I allow myself to expand, as allow myself to let go the definition I have of myself within realizing that it is a mind illusion, created to keep me enslaved and limited, as to not realize myself as life, as equal and one to all that is here, thus when and as I see myself resisting letting go a self definition or a definition I have accepted to be true through reacting to what is being said, I stop myself and breathe, I allow myself to listen to what is being said unconditionally, I allow myself to practice critical reasoning and expand within the point discussed, not limiting myself to the old knowledge I have on the topic but allow myself to stretch the boundaries of my mind that I have allowed to limit and direct me
I realize that the self definition I have of myself as being a nice/good/smart/intelligent person is based in polarity and within it exist the fear of being or being seen as the other side of the polarity as bad/stupid/boring, within this I realize that I have designed and accepted myself as the "good" side of the polarity based on my upbringing as a outflow of the social accepted norms I grew up with, within this I realize I have created myself as this "good" character, as an act, to survive and to be accepted by society, thus, when and as I see myself going into the nice/good character, as defending myself as the nice/good character, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to my physical body as myself, I do not accept myself to participate in this character because I realize it is a lie, and is in fact allowing the suppression of all that I am that isn't defined as good/nice
I realize that by participating and defending the good/nice character I have created myself as, I am in fact being directed by fear, fear of what the consequences will be if I am not that definition any more, thus, when and as I see myself going into fear of not being defined as nice/good, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that within the principle of equality and oneness I am equal and one to all that exist, and within the current world I can clearly see that I am one and equal to a bad/brutal/evil reality, and thus I realize that the self definition of being nice/good is separating myself from all that is here and not allowing myself to take self responsibility of that which is brutal/evil, and thus accepting and allowing the brutality within myself and within the world to continue uninterrupted, thus, when and as I see myself separating myself from all that is bad/brutal/evil I stop and breath, I allow myself to accept myself within/as the evil that exist in the world as I realize all this evil exist within/as myself as one and equal, thus I push myself to see what the world as a mirror is showing me as reflecting self back to self as self support, so I take all that I see as a gift and within gratefulness I allow myself to see the evil within myself, and to stop pushing it away from myself within separation
I realize that the evil that exist in the world reflect me, and within this I realize that I have allowed myself to exist as an organic robot, designed and programmed by my parents/society and accepted/allowed by/as myself through my participation within/as it, thus when and as I see myself resisting/rejecting myself as bad/evil, I stop myself and breathe, I realize it is what it is, I stop the self judgment within self forgiveness, and within humbleness I allow myself to embrace myself within/as the evil, as to be able to unconditionally investigate the point of evil within/as myself, without the vail of self judgment designed to hide myself from myself, and within investigating myself as the point and within/through self forgiveness, I give myself the gift of change, and allow myself to expand/grow/change as that which is best for all, to live/be as a living example
I realize that the current state of the world is based on all the definitions that exist within/as it as an accumulation of all that is accepted and allowed, thus I realize that to change our world as the reality we exist in we must allow ourselves to change the definitions to be living words as words that support life and expose the abuse and stop allowing the suppression/limitation of the mind, I realize that words have been a tool that creates/enhances the illusion of separation we exist as, and the words within their definitions have been justifying our self interest within promoting fear, thus when and as I see myself resisting redefining a word within holding on to the definition I have from the past, I stop and breathe, I realize that all words and definitions must change if the world is to change, and within myself I realize that I must allow myself to let go all definitions in order to be able to expand beyond the limitations of the mind, as an accumulation of all that I ever learnt/experienced/defined. Thus, as I breathe I bring myself back here to/as the physical reality within/as my physical body, as this is what is here as life, and as I bring myself back to the physical I breathe the resistance as energetic build up into the ground, giving back to the ground the energy that has been consumed from the physical, and as I return the energy to the ground I let go the attachment/holding on I have towards the definition, and allow myself to be humble, to be "not knowing", to be here without any knowledge to protect me, simply here as breath, nothing to protect, nothing to hide, nothing to hide from, here, stable
I realize that the fear/resistance I experience towards letting go of definitions is manifested as back chat, thus, when and as I see myself going into back chat within/as the mind as telling myself why I shouldn't let go the definition, and why it just doesn't make sense, and why I am right and they are wrong, I stop myself and breathe, I stop myself and don't allow myself to participate in the back chat, I realize that back chat exist within my hidden mind, separated from reality, hidden from the eyes of others because it is always based in self interest, and thus allows and promotes abuse, allows and promotes abdication of responsibility, justifies itself and the reaction and thus keeping self further away from living as equality and oneness as what is best for all, thus, within breath, I stop the back chat, I do not allow myself to fall in it's tempting trap, I remain here, supporting myself within/as breath, until the back chat "loses" its power over me, and I remain standing, self directive, here
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Thursday, November 15, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6
Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness
Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8
Day 88 - Fear dimension - Part 9 - self commitment
Day 89 - Fear dimension - Authority - Part 10
Day 90 - Fear dimension - Part 11 - Self forgiveness
Day 91 – Fear Dimension – Part 12 - Fear of Losing MySelf
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as good/positive and thus fear losing this definition of myself within believing that without this self definition I will be lost/gone, not realizing that the definition I have of myself, based on the values/morals I was brought up as, as part of my family/society , is within a polarity of good/bad, right/wrong, and thus based on judgment of the mind, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by living as a self definition I am not allowing myself to actually see me, as know who I actually am, because my perception has been tainted through the desire to fit in what I believe to be desired/accepted by the society/family within the norm/value system , thus I have allowed myself to mold myself into a definition I believed to be suitable for me, thus suppressing myself as who I really am, as not allowing myself to see the parts of self that don't fit into that predefined mold, as not allowing myself to even know the totality of who I am in fact, in order to hold on to a definition I have created as myself, without considering anything else besides my perceived survival, not realizing that by allowing myself to be directed by the fear of survival I have actually sacrificed myself as life, and thus now, instead of allowing myself to expand as life and change within the principle of what is best for all life, I have trapped myself in self created and accepted definitions that I have created as a survival mechanism within self interest not considering myself as life and all as life in equality, allowing myself to exist and participate within/as the mind as separation of myself and reality as a whole
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a definition, as a one dimensional, static, based in the past, 'dead' definition instead of realizing myself as life, as a live, dynamic, ever changing, ever expanding, multi dimensional living being that is by definition indefinable because any definition would be a form of limitation/enslavement and thus not align with or supportive of life as who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the definition of myself as good/positive within believing that it actually defines who I am, not realizing that who I am is not in fact limited to a definition and that existing as a definition is based on self diminishment as a mind manipulation to keep me enslaved within separation ad not know/realize who I am as life, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing definitions I believe to be true within/as my reality, as the religion of self as the religion of knowledge, as I have based my point of view on these definitions/beliefs and if I am to change the definition/perspective I have on reality it would mean I have to change myself as my point of view will change, within this I realize that there exist a fear within me as to not wanting to change myself, where I want to change without changing due to fear of change, due to fear of stepping out of the comfort zone of what is familiar as how I know reality to be, and to step into a new unfamiliar experience of the world and my reality through the new/corrected definition/perspective, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change, and within that to allow myself to be limited as who I believe myself to be, not allowing myself to expand/grow/change within realizing that what I believed to be true doesn't stand, and thus must be let go of, in order to find a new and more accurate, more supportive, more applicable definition/perspective that actually supports self as life and all as one as equal and doesn't support the polarity of the mind, as comparison / limitation / judgment / abuse, I realize the world that exist today must change, and thus all definitions/perspectives that create the world must be changed in order to "make room" for a new definitions/perspectives that actually takes all life into consideration and supports life as what is here in the physical reality and not supports the mental alternate reality of the mind in definitions / judgments / limitations / beliefs / comparison...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do everything in my ability to protect the definition of myself as good/positive, within this allowing myself to disregard myself as who I really am within the deepest/hidden parts of me as to ignore myself as the evil that exist within/as me as to remain within the self belief of being good/positive, not realizing that through not allowing myself to see the totality of who I am, and only existing within the narrow definition I have created for myself, I am in fact suppressing myself in order to exist/live as an idea, which is really silly when you think about it - I have preferred to live as an idea instead of allowing myself to be/live/express the totality of myself and within that to will/push myself to change anything that isn't aligned with what is best for all within the principle of equality and oneness. so basically, instead of changing myself from within to be aligned with what is best for all within equality and oneness, as being the person I want to be, a person of dignity that supports all life in fact, within and without, I have suppressed myself, and thus actually hiding from myself those parts of myself that require attention and correction, so instead of changing I have suppressed, not realizing that as long as I suppress myself I am still directed/enslaved by the points of suppression that I am hiding from myself, because of the fear of letting them come out, not seeing the influence they still have on me through allowing them to still be a part of me through deliberate suppression, so within this I realize the self sabotage pattern of keeping myself confined to a narrow self definition as a way to actually keep me enslaved to all the darkest most evil parts of me that are actually the directive principle of me as long as I don't face them and accept myself as them to, through accepting the totality of myself, without any judgment, change myself, through writing, self forgiveness, and breath, until I am standing stable as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the thought/idea of changing the definition I know of frequency, within believing that the definition I have is the only one that could ever be valid, not allowing myself to consider that all that exists now in the world is based on the current accepted definitions, and thus to change what is here we must allow ourselves to change any and every definition into that which supports life and is best for all, if we want to create a world that is best for all. I realize that the world is a reflection of all the definitions we accept within it, and thus all definitions must be investigated and redefined as to what is best for all, thus within realizing this I now see that any resistance I have towards changing a definition of any word is based in self interest, as I don't want to change the word because I don't want to change myself within/as the word, due to believing that I benefit from how things are as it is, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself and all within resisting the change and redefinition of words, and thus not allowing myself to consider changing the definition of 'frequency', I see within this I have attached an energetic value to the definition I have of 'frequency' as it symbolizes my studies, it symbolizes my intelligence, it symbolizes my knowledge, and that is what I fear letting go of - I fear letting go of the advantage I have over others because I have knowledge as to what is frequency, thus desiring a superior position of knowledge, instead of allowing myself to be humble, and to learn/create/accept the new definitions together, within only one point to direct as a living principle as what is best for all, putting a side all self interest as wanting to be smart/intelligent/superior, and to focus on the only thing that matters - equality and oneness as what is best for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing myself within giving up a definition of myself or of something I believe to be true, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the experience that I can be lost through losing/giving up a definition, not realizing that within this I am making a statement that I am the definition, a one dimensional, static, based in the past, dead definition, and not a live, dynamic, ever changing, ever expanding, multi dimensional living being, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to a definition within the accepted belief of myself as a definition I have created myself as
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within fear and resistance when I experience/believe I am about to lose/change my definition of myself or of something in my world, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslaved to the definition within allowing myself to be directed by it, in defense of it, not allowing myself to be here within/as breath, in every moment and as the change of definition come to allow myself to look at it without fear, simply to see what is here within common sense as I allow myself to be the directive principle of myself and my reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when being corrected / told what to do, because within my interpretation of the situation I am being defined other than how I would like to define myself as, and within that I experience inner conflict as to who I am and how I am being seen, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a limited experience of myself and within that to protect this experience of myself within reaction as blame and anger towards others/situations that challenge myself within the limited experience I have accepted as myself, instead of allowing myself to let go of the experience as the familiar definition I have of myself and allow myself to expand / grow / change, accepting any and every change as a gift and allow myself to be grateful to any and every correction, challenge as to only through these points, of what is now still experienced as inner conflict, will I ever be able to see myself and change into a living being that is self directive, self honest and within that self supportive and supportive of all as life in equality and oneness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the thought/idea of changing the definition of frequency within fear of not knowing any thing anymore, not being able to trust anything that I believe to know, within fear of not being able to trust anything that I have trusted and have defined myself as all my life, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself as life, here, stable, standing, and instead to place my trust in knowledge and thus when this knowledge is challenged I experience it as I lose the grip of myself instead of remaining standing as I am here, regardless of the knowledge and definitions we use to explain/express reality - reality, as myself, is here, it doesn't need to be defined, definition is only a practical tool for communication, it is limited within it's application, and thus is used for communication but doesn't actually define anything, it is just an idea, a concept, within this I realize that I, as life, am not a concept or idea, thus I realize that changing the definition is using the same tool in a different way, to explain and expand the understanding, in order to provide a more clear view of reality, but that is what it is, a view, and not reality itself, same as me, the definition of me can only show/explain an aspect of me, it will never actually be me, as I am not a definition, I am alive, as life
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Sunday, November 4, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension – Part 1
Within the fear of failing is see that I have defined failure as a "detrimental mistake", a mistake or series of mistakes that determines the end result of an activity / application/project as a failure. Within this I see that I have defined failure as deterministic / final / complete / done / finished, as the accumulation of the efforts that have been put into a project / activity have resulted in nothing, a failure, a waste of time.
I've attached a negative energetic charge to failure, I have deemed it as "bad" by definition, this is what we are taught from a very young age through the schooling system, and thus within seeing / defining failure as bad, if one fails then one might attach the negative charge and identify it with oneself as a self definition, and thus by failing, one might define self as bad/wrong/stupid/a failure.
Within failing I see a point of giving up - to fail one must first give up, other wise they would try again and again, thus once one defines failure would be at a point of stopping, a giving up. I see within this a point of self diminishment, as giving up would come from the self belief that one cannot do it, one has tried and tried and now they believe it's time to give up and thus define the project/activity and themselves as a failure. As if one is defined by the outcome of their efforts, and not by the starting point… interesting...
In regards to "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" I find that when I am being corrected I react to it as if I have failed, and within that accept within me an experience of giving up, thus I allow myself to participate in self diminishment, instead of looking at the point/correction in common sense, and not allowing myself to go into giving up / self diminishment, and simply allow myself to correct myself, within this I see that when I do give up and go into self diminishment I am more likely to believe my own self diminishment and not do as well the next time, creating a loop of failure that feeds off of itself, and so I pave the way before me for failing, thus creating my fear through participating in the fear itself.
Failure can only exist within the polarity of fail/success, thus must be investigated as all polarities are mind driven/created, so, how do I remove the polarity from the construct of failure? Failure, from a common sense, practical perspective, can be seen as a directive decision to stop/end a project due to practical analysis that it is not worth pursuing any longer for practical/physical reasons, not from a starting point of giving up within the experience of self diminishment, but simply from a starting point of for example, looking at the time one has and making a self directive decision to use ones time more effectively in a different project, or acknowledging that the idea/project isn't holding up and thus deciding to investigate other options/solutions/ideas - the point being to let go the giving up experience within it, letting go the "bad" feeling/association attached to it, and not doing it from a starting point of self diminishment as well as not defining oneself accordingly as unworthy/failure, thus not attaching the decision to end a project to ones definition of self.
The same goes for success, where it is seen as positive, but actually it is simply a project/application/task that came to it's completion - no polarity or energetic reaction necessary.
In context of the principle of that which is best for all, there is no polarity nor energy attached to any of this, as it is all done within the starting point of what is best for all, and thus if a project is stopped or continued until completion would be in consideration of what is practically evident and within consideration of what is best for all, and would not be based on ego or self diminishment.
So, as with the point of fear of making mistakes, through taking away the "bad" connotation one has with making mistakes, what remains is an opportunity to learn and expand and thus apply oneself more effectively through it, same goes here, once removing the polarity of failure/success and looking at it from a starting point of what is best for all, as removing all the positive/negative connotations and removing the emotional/self diminishment/giving up/ego starting point, what remains is a project/task that has been decided to be stopped through applying common sense as evaluating the situation practically and without any energy attached and without connecting self's definition to the point at hand.
I will continue with self forgiveness on this point in my next blog
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Saturday, October 6, 2012
Continuing from my previous blog: Day 51 – Blame character – Part 1
Here I will walk the point, within the blame character, of reacting to the another person's tonality within believing I am being attacked by them through how they express themselves to me
I have noticed that I have the perception of being attacked through the tonality in another's voice where I perceive them to be criticizing me, impatient with me and an authority over me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interpret a tonality within someone's expression as an attack, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be attacked with words, not realizing that words have no direct physical influence unless I accept and allow myself to react to them within myself, within/as my mind, and only through my acceptance/participation I let them have an actual physical influence
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe myself that I am being attacked when being spoken to in a specific tonality due to past experiences/memories/interpretations, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as the past as not being here within breath, not being the directive principle because I am allowing tonality to dictate how I react/behave, instead of directing myself within as breath, within the physical practical reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define some people as authoritative according to the tonality of their voice, as when they speak with a stable sounding voice, when they sound sure of themselves, and express themselves within confidence of what they are saying, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as less than “authority”, from a perspective of not being confident in what I say, not being sure of myself, and thus if someone else is confident they must know, and I don't, so they are authority and I am less. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define someone as more than me, as an authority, due to the tonality of their voice, and within that create a whole personality in relation to them as being less than them, and thus allowing myself to go into inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a specific tonality that I interpret at attacking when the other's voice is expressed in a harsh, cut off, sharp edges way, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea in my mind that being spoken to in a harsh, cut off, sharp edges way is defined as being attacked and I haven't allowed myself to consider within this idea the other being, within considering that wither they are intending to attack or not, is based on mind made ideas within their mind, and thus within reacting to tonality as believing a harsh, cut off, sharp edges tonality is indication of attack I am in fact validating the mind and abdicating my free choice as a living being to breathe and be here within/as the moment and simply hear what is being said, and within that, not allowing myself to respond within common sense practicality taking into consideration life as a whole within considering both/all beings that are participating in the situation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself react to the tonality of someone's voice when speaking my name, where I interpret the sound/tonality of my name as a preparation for an attack if it is spoken in a specific way, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to what someone is saying to me before they even say anything and just called out my name, because I interpret the way they call my name as a preparation for being attacked by them, within this I forgive myself for accepting within/as myself the idea of being attacked and thus before the being even speaks I am already in defense mode creating back chat in my mind and building up energy within myself to have armor against the attack, all based on the tonality of how they say my name, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that within anticipating the idea of being attacked I am already within myself creating the situation of being attacked, and thus the other being when communicating with me will "feel the vibe" and will in turn attack me because I sent off a signal that I am prepared for it, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the other for attacking me when in fact I have in a way requested it through my anticipation of being attacked
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interpret someone's tonality as being impatient, and to thus go into reaction within fear of having someone express impatient towards me, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/resist having someone respond to me within impatience because I have allowed myself to define myself accordingly within the belief system I have placed on my definition of impatience, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when someone is impatient with me to take it personally and believe it defines me as slow/boring/stupid/a nuisance/a disturbance, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within believing myself to be slow/stupid/boring… within believing the other has responded to me within impatience, to react within fear of being rejected, because I have created a net of beliefs within/as me and I have believed them to define me and the world we live in as reality, and within the beliefs I have created within/as myself I have allowed myself to judge myself and others for being slow/boring/a nuisance… and to define that as bad and unacceptable and thus to reject myself and others within presenting those characters, thus i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I interpret someone as being impatient towards me through the interpretation i have giving the tonality of their voice, I react within fear of being rejected
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when interpreting people's expression as being impatient with me and/or criticizing me through their tonality of their words, to then interpret that as if I am being attacked within accepting a set of beliefs/ideas/opinions that I have created within/as myself, as how I see the world and how I have concluded that people should be/behave, and thus when I perceive people to be impatient towards me, I conclude that I am being/acting/behaving within the forbidden/unacceptable behaviors as defined through the set of beliefs/ideas I have accepted to be real, and within that, their criticism must be a consequence of who I am as I how have behaved within that which is unacceptable, and thus it must be a sign for soon being rejected. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as fear of being rejected due to believing that I must be accepted by others to live, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself as my self-expression in order to fit in and to please others as doing what it takes to be accepted, because I have allowed myself to believe that only within being accepted by other will I be able to survive, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to firstly accept myself and to realize that within actual self acceptance I can start building self intimacy, and within self acceptance/intimacy to not require others to validate me, as I am here as breath, as self, as life.
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Friday, September 28, 2012
this is a follow up to my previous blog: Day 43 - Signs of Depression
For me, my feeling/self belief of worthlessness comes up a lot through comparison and competition, I see around me very effective/successful human-beings, effective and successful through my perspective of course, and then I compare myself to them, I evaluate myself according to them, and more often than not I deem myself less than them, and thus worthless. Obviously, in order to create myself as self worthlessness I do not compare myself to just any one, I select a few that I perceive them to be effective/successful and judge myself according to them. And not even according to them but rather according to specific aspects of them, the specific aspects that I value and admire within them. I will judge myself in relation to these specific aspect within them, not allowing myself to see it is just specific aspects that I am looking at, but will perceive it to be the total definition of both them and myself, and then the result of this will be judging/defining myself as being worthless.
If I was a scientist, I would gave to say that my research is pre determined and bias - I do not have a fair representation of population and I am not considering the entity of the being, but only looking at specific aspects within them, from a starting point of looking for proof that I am worthless and that exactly what I will find.
Just like with the endless cycle, here too I am heading myself in for a fall, I am creating the experience of worthlessness to myself and by myself, and then I forget I have created it and believe it to be the truth. All this instead of stopping allowing myself to abuse myself within participating and recreating the cycle of worthlessness, and to accept myself as life within realizing that I am here, I am alive, and I am not actually really defined by the ideas/opinions/definitions I have attached to myself and the same goes for anybody else. Non of us are actually defined by anything except for being equal as life, that is the only definition that can stand the test of time, and that seams to be the only thing that has been overlooked.
I see now that depression is connected to the point of self worth, as long as I do not value myself as equal to/as life I will always find ways to prove to myself that I am worthless and within believing myself to be worthless I am excusing myself from actually participating and taking responsibility for myself as this world, I realize that as long as I keep comparing myself to others through defining our value according to our skills I will keep on trapping myself in the cycle of self worthlessness, until I stop. Stopping within the understanding that any form of self diminishing is indicating to me that I am not accepting myself as who I am as life, and is in fact an endless cycle that leads me further and further from myself as realizing myself as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as self worthlessness
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as life, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to exist as life but instead I have allowed myself to exist as the mind within separation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself in the cycle of worthlessness, not realizing that the cycle can only go on as long as I believe it, participate within it and thus create it, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually be worthless through accepting myself as worthlessness and I haven’t allowed myself to see that believing I am worthless is an illusion of the mind created through comparison as separation to keep me trapped within/as the mind to never realize myself as life
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I am creating myself as worthless through my participation within the cycle of worthlessness through believing myself to be worthless and thus within this belief, I do not apply myself, do not push myself to excellence only to prove myself right, and thus allow myself to actually be worthless through not applying myself within/as the physical to create a world worth living in and to create myself as a being that is worth living through valuing myself as life as all life and supporting all life within allowing myself to exist as dignity and integrity
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within participating within/as worthlessness to stop myself from actually doing all that needs to be done to create a world worth living in, a world that all life is equally worthy, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used the self belief of being worthless as a justification to not push myself and do all in my ability to actually live as self worth because I have believed my own creation of self worthlessness and thus gave up on myself as the world without even trying to do/change anything, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as life and all life as one, and within that to do all I can do to be worthy of life through creating a life worth living to all
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have always been creating myself as worthlessness, and thus have always had the ability to stop myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as worthlessness within self diminishment as self abuse as not allowing myself to expand and express myself as life because I have allowed myself to limit myself within the belief of being worthless and thus did not allow myself to challenge that idea of myself through always proving me right by remaining worthless in my actions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-value on my skills and abilities, and within that to evaluate myself according to others, thus to define myself as more or less according to whom I am comparing myself to, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as worthlessness through comparing myself to specific aspects/skills of others that I define better than me, and thus to intentionally compare myself to them to prove to myself my worthlessness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as worthless through comparing myself to others within finding points/aspects within them that they are better/more than me, and thus within looking at both of us through a very narrow lens that only sees this specific aspect I judge them as worthy and myself as worthless, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use comparison as a tool for self support to, through other beings in my environment, see how I can expand myself further, but instead I have used it as a tool of self diminishment as believing myself to be worthless in comparison to others, and thus not allow myself to expand within equalizing myself to them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself (and others) as good/bad and worthy/worthless through grading myself in relation to specific skills/abilities/performances that I have defined as important/valuable and within that have not allowed myself to see me within the totality of myself as life, not as a list of skills/abilities but as a living being that is valuable through the mere fact of being alive, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value life unconditionally but have placed a condition as a list of skills/performances that one must exist as to deserve the right to live as worthy, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the extent of abuse that I am allowing within this construct, just as the world system that exist today that permits people a dignified life only within the condition of them being successful in the eyes of the system.
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into the character of worthlessness, because I have seen the deception and abusive nature of this character and thus I commit myself to stopping myself from accepting myself as this character
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself go into comparison, and to direct any point within me towards self support within changing my starting point from comparison as self diminishment into comparison as self expansion
When and as I see myself giving value to skills/performances I stop and breathe, I realize that all are equal as life unconditionally, life doesn't require any skill/performance to exist as life and thus I commit myself to show that any value system, creating a grading skill as worthy and not worthy, is the source of all abuse within the current system as we have forgotten that all are equally alive and thus are equally valuable and equally worthy to a dignified/supportive life
Friday, September 14, 2012
Continuing from my previous
blogs:
Through investigating the
design of weakness, and how I've defined myself as weak, I have come to a realization
that any form of self-belittling is in fact a form of self-manipulation to
defend the characters as self to protect/defend the construct of self-interest.
I realize that any idea/belief about self is of the mind and thus is not real
as life, furthermore, any idea/belief about self that justifies/excuses not
taking self-responsibility, not investigating self-honesty, not changing within
the principle of equality as what is best for all, not standing to support all
life as equal, such as the idea/belief that self is weak in any way, is a
direct and deliberate abuse towards self and towards all life as one and equal.
I realize that the belittling
self-belief/idea is of no actual value or relevance in practical physicality,
thus pointless. The only relevance it has is in the realm of the mind, where it
creates "noise" as back chat to justify/excuse oneself from actually
pushing through the resistance to change and from making the actual effort it
takes to live a life that supports self as all life as one and equal through
stopping all participation with that which supports abuse in any way/shape/form
, within self and in the word system such as working towards an equal money
system that values life and creates a practical platform for all to live a
dignified life.
Any form of self belittling
is unacceptable
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to belittle myself as a form of justifying to
myself the lack of self-application towards what is best for all, justifying
the lack of application instead of actually pushing through the resistance and
actually starting to apply myself within/as breath, within self-will as a self-commitment
of changing myself to be one and equal within/as myself to be able to live as an
example and thus prove to myself and others that change is possible as a living
application in fact and not only a nice idea that is only talked about but
never applied,
Thus, I commit myself to
stopping myself within breath if/when I find myself belittling myself, and to
investigate every point/aspect of the construct of self-belittling until I have
walked through all the points within self-forgiveness, to ensure to myself that
I will not fall in the trap of self-belittling again,
within that I commit myself
to walk my process of becoming equal and one within/as myself, within walking
through/as my mind, to get to know myself as who I have accepted and allowed
myself to be/become to ensure I have walked all points and thus am able to
trust myself to not fall in the traps of the mind because I have seen them all
and have made a decision to walk within self-direction within/as breath, here,
within/as the physical body, as self-support as what is best for all within
equality.
Tin order to assist self in
seeing different aspect of the word and help more layers reveal themselves, I will
be sounding of the word, and placing associations to the sounds
Weak
Week = periodically, the
pattern comes back periodically
wee = small,
eek = rejection/discussed,
sounds like squeak = wining,
complaining
Weakness
weak knees = instability,
prone to fall
weakened
Weekend = taking a
brake/vacation
wicked = manipulative,
abusive
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a negative energetic charge
towards the word 'weak', within this I realize that the negative experience I have
towards the word is a self-limitation, thus a form of self-control/restriction,
thus I realize that as long as I am moved by the word within an energetic
reaction, positive or negative, I canot be trusted as/with life, because I am
prone to act within a starting point of the emotional/energetic reaction, thus,
I commit myself to stopping myself within/as the energetic/emotional reaction
towards the word 'weak', and instead to apply/correct myself when/as necessary
to ensure I am not participating in the weak character
Redefining
the word weak/weakness
I look at how to define the
word as an expression of itself
Weakness (as
experience/expression) – a point/expression of deliberate self-compromise
through self-manipulation to 'get out' of standing as self-responsibility thus
acting within deliberate self-interest and thus deliberate abuse towards self
and others/existence as one and equal.
Within this definition above,
weakness is unacceptable as it is abusing self as life, and postponing self
from walking the process of birthing self into the physical as one and equal
I see within this definition that
there is still judgment within me towards the word/expression as weak/weakness
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to judge weakness, not realizing that allowing
the judgment come up within me is a point of separation within hiding from
myself the actual self-judgment as guilt I hold towards myself for all the
times I have accepted and allowed myself to exist/express myself as weak,
within that, I forgive myself for accepting and a allowing myself to live/express
myself as weak and within the expression/self-belief as weak to allow myself to
believe I cannot change/transcend this point, within this I forgive myself for not
accepting and allowing myself to realize that only from within accepting myself
as the character of weakness I am telling myself that I cannot transcend
weakness, thus I stop myself as the weak character, because I have seen how
this character creeps up as back chat, I stop it as myself within/as breath and
do not allow myself to go into my mind as back chat of self-belittling.
Weak/weakness as a living
word is not defined through an idea/opinion/judgment, but is the actual definition
of the word within practical physicality, and does not stand within
comparison/polarity.
Weakness is define by a
function or a purpose, let me see what the word represents/stands for:
Something that is not able to
stand within its purpose/intended function.
When there isn't an alignment
between the function/purpose and the capability, more specifically, when there
is a lacking in capability in relation to the purpose/function at hand, from
the perspective that the capability of the object/person does not match the
function/purpose it is assigned to do.
Within this, when facing a
point of weakness, one must ask themselves within self-honesty if in fact they
lack capability or is it used as excuse/justification within/as the weakness
character, while realizing that weakness as a living word is not derived from the
mind thus does not exist within/as emotions/reactions, thus if anything moves
within/as self, one must realize this is the weakness character creeping up and
must stand as the correction and stop self from participating within/as the
character, to within time and application, build self-trust to be able to live/express/apply
within/as self-support, thus doing what is required to be done within/as self as
within the entire world system, to establish a world that is best for all
within equality.
I forgive myself that I've
accepted and allowed myself to create/define/accept myself as the weakness character
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to express myself as weak within the self-belief
that it is my "natural expression" due to creating/defining/accepting
myself as weak
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to have a relationship with the concept of
weakness through an idea of the mind, not realizing that weakness has an actual
value only within physical practicality for instance, "this box is too
weak for me to sit on", within this I forgive myself for not accepting and
allowing myself to realize that defining weakness in relation to ones being as
who one is, is an act of self-compromising and self-diminishing
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to exist within the weakness character as a way of
manipulation to get out of doing things that I don't feel like doing, not
realizing that by using manipulation to get out of doing things that require to
be done I am accepting and allowing not taking self-responsibility as a
construct to exist and within that I am allowing myself to participate as an example
within/as not taking self-responsibility, instead of allowing myself to stand
as self-responsibility within the understanding that one is responsible for
oneself no matter what, there is no escaping it, but there is a deliberate
decision whether to ignore ones responsibilities or to accept them and walk
them as self, thus I commit myself to live within the principle of taking self-responsibility
because I realize the first step to establishing self-trust is trusting myself
to take self-responsibility, within the understanding that abdicating responsibility
and hoping someone else will fix me/the world will never manifest into a world
of equality but can only lead to more of the same shit, thus if I stand for a
world of equality and oneness I realize and accept the responsibility of
moving/pushing/changing myself as self-correction in order to be a living
example of what each can do/change within equality, and stop all participation
within self-diminishment within the fear of not being able to change and thus
sabotage myself instead of pushing as hard as I can to make sure I make it
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to use to weakness character to get out of doing
things through manipulating others to do things for me, thus creating through
my participation a construct of inequality through creating them as my slaves within
the belief that it's ok for them to do the task but not for me, they will/should
do it for me, not realizing that this is the base of all inequality, through
the belief that I am more valuable and thus deserving and thus should have things
done for me. When looking at the world one sees the accumulation of this
construct due to everyone believing they are special and more deserving/valuable
than others and thus allow themselves to manipulate/deceive in order to get
what they want within self-interest, furthermore, within the current capitalistic
money system money buys us the ability to act/behave/participate as weakness
through not having to take responsibility and actually do the work for self,
due to the ability of paying someone to do it for, not seeing that the only
reason one can get another to do tasks for them is due to the fear of survival engraved
into the system, thus, I realize within this that my participation with the
character of weakness is in fact creating the basis structure for the current
capitalistic to exist.
Thus, I commit myself to stop
all participation within the weakness character due to the
understanding/realization that by participating in such constructs/characters I
am in fact creating/participating with the basic construct that the current capitalistic/abusive
system relies on, within this I realize the first step in changing the world
system into a world of equality and dignity must start within/as self, thus I stop
any participation that contributes/supports the current system in order to
birth myself and the world system into equality
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to connect weakness to femininity and thus allow myself to
create myself within/as the weakness character in order to present myself as
what I have define as feminine, not realizing the self-compromising within it all
I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to act within the weakness character to express
myself as feminine as I have defined it as such in my mind, to be able to
connect through the weakness character with men, within this not realizing the
deception of it all within basically lying about myself to be liked/accepted,
thus compromising/diminishing myself
To be continued…
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