Day 43 - Signs of Depression

 

I've been waking up every morning 10-30 minutes before my alarm goes off, and every time I had gone back to sleep, to "win" those precious minutes of sleep instead of simply waking up and “winning" them as being awake - alive.

I've written about this point before and I've seen that the high value I place on sleep is essentially a sign of depression, through escaping myself as life within my daily responsibilities.

Yesterday I was told I have an expression of sadness in my eyes, it took me by surprise because I try to present myself as a happy expression, so it is surprising when people can see through the mask and into the deeper me.

I’ve never allowed myself to explore that point because I have always feared falling into depression, I always knew it was there but have been resisting opening that box up, due to the fear of what I might find in it… and even worse, what if I can't close/clear/ignore the content of the box, and will stay in a state of depression for ever…

When I was about 16 years old I learnt that my grandmother had suffered from depression all her life, I think that it might have been the cause for the fear, because it's known to be hereditary and thus I was worried that if I just trigger it in any way, and let it show it's head, it will have me, I will be lost in depression.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to be able to see/face myself as sadness/depression and accordingly correct and change myself while remaining stable within and as myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore myself as sadness/depression within fear of not being able to control/handle it and thus within fear of remaining depressed forever, within this i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust me to be here as breath, within the understanding that i am the creator of depression within/as myself and thus i have the ability to assist and support myself to stand, as I’m the directive principle as the one that decide who I am in every moment of ever breath, within this i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the story/situation of my grandmother onto myself and thus create a fear within me in regards to someone else's experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling into depression, and within that to create myself as a happy character, as a mask to hide any sign of sadness behind, and thus to suppress myself through not allowing myself to see myself as sad, instead of allowing myself to face myself as who I am in each moment within realizing that my experience is the consequence of who I have allowed myself to be, and thus only through allowing myself to face myself can I see the point within its source/origin and change myself accordingly as self correction to support myself as life, within this i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by hiding myself from myself I am living as self suppression within fear and allowing the source point to accumulate uninterrupted, as I go along deceiving myself into believing I am happy because I have become so used to my happy character that I have created

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate sadness within/as myself instead of allowing myself to within self honesty face each point/experience as it appears in the moment, to be able to see it, breathe through it, walk the correction and "be done with it", instead of suppressing it within not allowing myself to step out of my happy character, not allowing myself to admit and see/face the point of pain/sorrow within me due to fear of what i might find, and self doubt in regards to not trusting myself to be able to stay stable here within/as breath within opening up such points

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into sadness/depression when thinking of all the abuse going on in the world and knowing I have been living my life ignoring all the pain/abuse/suffering because I was "lucky" to be born in a supportive environment, and thus I feel guilty for not having to suffer when others do, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into sadness/guilt/depression as a way of self deception to bring myself to a form of being paralyzed as a way to excuse myself from doing all in my ability/power to do to change reality so that no one needs to suffer ever again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into depression as my way to get myself out of the game, so to speak, as a way to excuse myself from having to do anything because I am sad/depressed. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the social acceptance where being sad/depressed is a treated as an illness as if one cannot function at top of ones ability due to accepting sadness/depression to take over as mind possession, and thus being sad/depressed has been used by myself and society as an excuse to not take responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad/depressed within fear of being alone, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone and within that to create dependencies on other beings in my environment, to then when thinking about not being around them any more I become sad/depressed within/as fear being alone, as well as fear of loss

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that fear of loss as well as fear of being alone are mind created fears, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop my participation with fear of loss as well as fear of being alone and to thus allow myself to be directed by the fears within creating a dependency on others, only to, when thoughts of the future within the possibility of losing them come up, allow myself to go into sadness/depression, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my thoughts as future projections/fear more than life, here in the moment as the physical, and to thus compromise myself as life here, to entertain myself as thoughts in the mind, to create energetic reactions within me, to then be directed by the energy and not move myself within self direction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, within seeing myself as unworthy and within this to create inner resentment towards myself that has accumulated into a sadness/depression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as less than the idea I have about myself as who I should have been, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others within the assumption that they are living out the idea I had set out for myself, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a competition within my mind where I am always the looser, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide all of this from myself within shame through creating myself as the happy/confident character to show everyone around me that I am not a looser, while in the process suppressing myself to such an extent that now, when I am here and ready to face myself I cannot easily see/find the points within myself as the actual source of sadness/depression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself through creating myself as happy character to cover up the actual feelings of shame/self judgment I’ve been experiencing, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as those experiences instead of allowing myself to deal with them as self support within self honesty

I commit myself to when going into fear of loss as well as fear of being alone I stop myself within/as breath, I realize that these fears exist through my participation with them, and thus I make a directive decision to stop myself as the fear and breathe myself back here to the physical, here as life, where fear does not exist, I realize that any participation within fear is a mind manipulation to keep me trapped as the mind and not able to see reality as the physical as one and equal

I commit myself to stop myself within the experience of sad/depressed because I realize it is an energetic experience opening the back door for me to get out of my responsibilities, I commit myself to investigate within self honesty the source point of sadness/depression to be able to stand within/as it and not allow it to direct me

I commit myself to allow myself to see/face points within myself as sadness because I realize that they are there, and thus to change myself within the point I must face it

I commit myself to further investigate the point of depression within me, until I am satisfied that I can direct myself within/as the point, I commit myself to support myself, to not compromise within this point and to push through the resistance until I am done with it, and am here, within/as breath, within self trust and self worthiness.

Day 34 – Hiding Myself through Exposure

This blog is also related to: Day 26 - Wanting to be accepted

I've been reading other people's journey to life blogs, and I've ran into a few of them talking about being shy and afraid of opening up to people because they fear getting hurt, for example – as I read these blogs and I relate to what the being is experiencing, but my behavior is opposite, I do not close off I do not shy away, I am very expressive and talkative and I act in a way that doesn't reveal me as shy, I hide myself as being shy through being open, but I am not really open, I am acting out, I am not really expressing myself, I am expressing a character I have created myself as, the funny/open/friendly character, when in fact inside I am full of self-judgment, fear of being rejected, desire to being approved…

I learned this character from my family, they are all very outspoken, very loud, very expressive, and in my eyes, very loved and appreciated by others, so I taught myself that to be loved and appreciated by others I must express myself in a  loud/funny/outgoing way, as this is what people like, and this is how I'm going to get the acceptance/love/approval I so very much yearn for, as I have not taught myself to give it to myself, thus I have created a dependency on others to supply me with the "drug of my choice" being acceptance / approval / love

I have allowed myself to become a puppet, where I act and dance and put on a show to get the audience to applaud, not allowing myself one moment of sitting back and actually breathing, slowing down within/as myself and actually expressing myself, I've been on this race to win the Oscar for best actress, having been acting so "real" that no one can see it's an act, acting so well that no one can see that in fact I am shy within myself, that I am doubting myself, that I am judging myself, that I am not sure of myself, that I just want to hide because I am so afraid of not being accepted. I hide behind the mask of exposure.

I guess this type of construct is used often, like if I don't want to be seen as something I will express that to the extreme to get all suspicions away, so it's an interesting polarity where I do not accept myself as who I am, and do not allow myself to express myself within the one side of the polarity as being shy, due to judging it as bad/wrong/unacceptable, and then I go ahead and play out a character, expressing the other side of the polarity as out-going/expressive/confident, to cover up the shameful truth of who I really am, and thus to become a deceitful actress, deceiving all around me that I claim to care about, and deceiving myself as cheating myself out of the opportunity to live as self-expression, but instead to live a lie of hiding.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as an experience of being shy / uncomfortable around people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what people will think of me, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people judging me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a desire for acceptance/approval, within a belief that if I am accepted/approved by others that means I am OK, not realizing the double deception within that belief being A): the desire to be accepted by others is indicating I am not accepting myself and thus am not OK in my own judgment thus would be cool to check for myself who I am within what I am allowing within/as myself and seeing for myself if I am OK/acceptable or not, within that changing myself accordingly within self-trust, as trusting that I will know who I am and how to change. B): being accepted by others will never indicate that I am OK, but will only indicate the norm of society and thus the society will approve only that which allows it, as society, to maintain the deception it is living as, thus if society says I am OK, it by no means indicates that I am in fact OK from a perspective of equality and oneness as what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be shy around people within an experience of not feeling comfortable within/as myself, as not knowing how to be me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for being shy/insecure around people, within an expectation that I should always feel comfortable within/as myself, but the fact is that I don't and thus I abuse myself within self-judgment as shame for who I am within the experience of being shy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear opening up to people from fear of their judgment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear showing the real me because I fear being rejected, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to calculate what I share with people to make sure that I will be socially accepted, instead of allowing myself to express myself fully as who I am here in the moment within/as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear of judgment/rejection to such an extent that I change myself as my expression to  become a character that I created as myself to be what I believe will be accepted/approved/liked, within that I forgive myself for not allowing myself to live self-honesty within/as self-expression but to manipulate and deceive myself and my environment within creating myself as a character, not allowing myself to see/realize that by becoming a character I am defending/protecting my desire to be accepted/approved thus restricting/confining myself within/as the limitations of the mind as an idea of how one should be/act/behave, thus participating within/as judgment and suppression instead of living as life within self-honesty here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself as shy/uncomfortable/unconfident because I have created an idea that being shy is weak and I want to be strong, and thus I hide myself as who I am in the moment and act within/as a character that I believe will serve me within self-interest, thus allowing myself to cheat/deceive in order to get what I want as attention/approval/love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself in a polarity of the mind as resisting/judging myself as shy/weak/vulnerable and instead present myself as confident/strong within a belief that this character will be loved/accepted and thus I will get what I want within self-interest, feeding my mind as desire for love/approval instead of living as myself here within self-dignity within self-honesty as allowing myself to be/face/see myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become within realizing that if I hide me from myself within separation I am making it that much harder for me to face myself as who I have allowed myself to be and become and thus harder to see within self-honesty if this is who I want to be within the principle of equality as what is best for all within dignifying myself as life, and thus making it impossible for me to change, rather than allowing myself to face/see myself for who I am within shyness/uncomfortableness  and from there to correct myself within investigating the why I allow myself to be shy/uncomfortable within/as myself, what am I showing myself within this point, and to correct myself from there.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by deceiving myself and others through participating in the act of the character of funny/confident I am not allowing myself to see myself within self-expression nor do not allow myself to see myself within actual real communication because I am busy hiding myself, and thus I do not actually allow myself to know myself because of the fear of who I will be if I allow myself to be me, within a deep assumption that who I am is not good enough and thus even without really knowing who I will be I hide myself just in case

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself within a deep knowing that who I am is not going to be liked/accepted/loved/aproved, because who I am is self-interest, and thus I hide myself within that very self-interest as who I am, to be sure I get the love/acceptance I want/desire, instead of facing myself within self-responsibility and allowing myself to face myself as the self-interest being that I have allowed myself to become, and from within facing myself to make a directive decision within self-honesty within/as the principle of equality and oneness and to change myself within/as breath to be able to be a being that honors self as life within self-dignity and thus rebirthing myself from the self-interest being that I am now and busy hiding, into a being that supports myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer to put on a mask of funny/comfortable than to face myself and correct myself within self-honesty to actually be able to express myself as funny/comfortable once I have proven to myself that I am not being directed by energy as fear and am in fact directing/expressing myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to express myself within/as a character rather than allowing myself to express myself as who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being confident/outgoing is better than being shy/closed, not realizing that it is all about the starting point, and it's not about a polarity/competition between two different expressions, thus I realize that if I am existing within a polarity I have created of two expressions I am allowing myself to exist as the mind and not here as life within self-expression, thus I stop myself and breathe, and bring myself back here, I slowdown to be able to see myself as who I am in fact and not depend on the idea/value I have placed on expressions within a polarity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy my behavior from what I have seen within my family's behavior, and within that to compare myself to what I see as their expression and try to live/express myself in the same way, within that I forgive myself for trapping myself within/as an idea of how I should express myself instead of allowing myself to be myself within self-expression as within self-honesty  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself believe I have to act in a specific way as a funny/confident character to be accepted by others instead of realizing myself within self-honesty, to know who I am and to accept myself within/as who I actually am, to not be dependent on the acceptance of others within the restriction I have placed upon myself to behave in a specific way to get their acceptance, but rather to accept myself as who I am as life, to from the point of acceptance to change myself within the principle of equality as what is best for all because I realize that only through changing myself within/as what is best for all will I be able to truly accept myself as life, knowing I am living within support of myself as life and not through/as the mind within fear as a character

Self-Commitment

I commit myself to when experiencing myself as shy/uncomfortable to stop and breathe, to realize that any emotional/energetic reaction is of the mind and thus not real, I am lying to myself to believe I am in fact shy/uncomfortable, thus I commit myself to bring myself back here within/as breath

I commit myself to when experiencing myself as shy/uncomfortable to stop and breathe, and to investigate what am I showing myself through this experience, who am I accepting myself to be within this experience, within this I commit myself to allowing myself to see/face myself for who I am in the moment because I realizie that only through first seeing myself for who I really am will I ever be able to change myself into that which supports all life as what is best for all

I commit myself to when experiencing myself within/as fear of people, to stop and breathe, to realize that I only fear people because I have not allowed myself to know myself within self-honesty, and thus I commit to investigating myself and to finding out for myself who I am in fact, to be able to accept myself as who I am

I commit myself to stop directing myself through the fear of what people may think/judge me for, and rather to direct myself within the principle of equality as what is best for all

I commit myself to stop myself within/as the desire to be acceptance/approved within realizing that as long as I am directed by this desire I am un trustworthy for I am allowing myself to be directed by the force of self-interest instead of being self-directive as life within supporting myself as life, thus I commit myself to stopping myself as anything that I have not intentionally directed myself as, thus anything of the mind where I am not the self-directive principle I stop because I know it isn't me in fact as life

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to what others think of me through realizing that what others think/accept is only representing their own point within their process/life, and thus I commit myself to establishing self-trust to be able to look at myself within/as self-honesty and to evaluate myself to/for myself within seeing am I acting/behaving in a way that actually supports life or am I acting/behaving in a way that supports self-interest and within that to move myself accordingly

I commit myself to explore new ways of expressing myself outside of the expressions I have created myself as, as characters, within that I commit myself to exploring myself without judgment

I commit myself to getting to know me for who I am as how I have accepted and allowed myself to become, to be able to see/face myself within self-honesty without judgment, I commit myself to stopping any form of self-judgment within/as breath and to realize that every point of self-judgment is pointing at something within me I do not want to see, and thus to push myself to look further within self-honesty to show me to myself until all of me as who I am has been exposed to me