Day 97 - Giving up is an elitist privilege

for further context: Giving Up on Myself - Life Review

I've been experiencing myself low, at a verge of depression, not knowing what's going on within me, not pushing myself to investigate and explore the experience to support myself to find the source, to be able to stand up from within it, to be able to direct myself, but rather I have fallen into a state of giving up, allowing the energy to possess me, believing I am powerless, experiencing myself as if I cannot do anything to change my experience and thus, allowing it to continue, giving it my permission within a submissive expression of myself, as I have allowed many times before, allowing myself, once again, to abuse myself within allowing the depressed experience to take over, and thus existing as both the abuser and the abused, both sides of the polarity existing within myself, both allowed by myself, as I allow the oppression of self to continue as I believe the energy that I experience as depression is bigger and more powerful than me.

I was on the verge of giving up on myself altogether, wanting to hit rock bottom, rationalizing it to myself with the idea that is I allow myself to hit the bottom I will have to stand up from there, justifying giving up as an essential and even supportive part of the process, as if I cannot direct myself to stand up from where I am here, in this very moment, as if only if I push myself to the edge and only if I experience enough pain and suffering will I motivate myself to stand up and change. As if making giving up a directive decision - but who, in their right mind, would decide to harm/abuse/hurt themselves? If one can see change needs to be done, why not simply stand up and change? Why allow abuse?

I've been allowing myself, within full awareness, to abuse myself, by not shaking myself out of the energetic possession, by not stopping myself, as if only through experiencing myself broken, abused, weak, useless, will I be able to pick myself up - how fucked up is this, to want to hurt myself, to want to abuse myself, to not trust myself enough to push myself up from here, from where I am, but to justify more abuse and more suffering - do I have no self respect, do I have no self appreciation, do I have no sense of self motivation within common sense to realize that after giving up and crawling up into a ball I will just find myself in the exact same place, only that much more broken, with that much less self esteem, with that much less will power…

I realize that I am in a position that allows me to give up, because I am not actually in harms way, it's not that I'm actually being physically abused, I'm not being physically enslaved - physically everything is fine, and that's why I can allow myself to play around with giving up, while other are physically abused/suppressed/starving, while they cannot stand up for a change because they are in fact weak within this system, on the other hand, I have all the ability, the skill, the resources to stand up for myself and for them as myself, and I end up giving up, I chose to give up because I can, because I know I will still have food on my table, I know I will still have shelter, I know I am safe, because I am the elite, because I have money - thus by allowing myself to give up I am postponing myself from actually changing, I am postponing bringing about a change in the world, because it doesn't really concern me, because I don't really care, because I will survive either way…

This is why I say that giving up is an elitist privilege, because we have the luxury of giving up without losing anything substantial, physical as life, we can play around in our mind, as we masturbate with the thought of giving up, while others that cannot stand up for themselves die. They die as we whine, they are waiting for us to stand up, and we are busy giving up?... While they are the ones who are paying the price.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow myself to exist in my mind within a state of depression, and not pushing myself to stand up from within it but rather allow myself to accept it as myself, as a fact, not realizing that my experience is my creation and thus i do in fact have the power to change my experience if i will myself to do so

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the low energy I experience is me and that it defines me as who I am, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace myself as depression from a perspective of believing that this is who i am, which is in essence the reverse of actually embracing myself as that would mean to support myself as life, to get out of the energetic experience that i have allowed to possess me, and to not accept such self abuse as allowing myself to exist as low/depressed energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the energy to take over me within the belief that I am powerless against it, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to convince myself i am not able to stand in the face of energy, instead of stopping myself as such thoughts and actually standing up within myself and moving myself to prove me wrong, instead of accepting it and proving me right, through not standing – i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it is up to me in every moment, and thus if i stay in the low/depressed energy it is because of my acceptance and allowance, and not because i am not capable, because i have never really tried to stop, so how can i believe myself to be incapable of stopping, and even once i push myself to stop, i must realize that it might take practice and consistency, so even if i try and “fail” i cannot actually conclude that i am incapable, it would only mean that i must investigate the point further, and simply get up and do it again, until i make it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to give up on myself as a solution for my problems, not realizing that giving up is just postponing the inevitable of standing up as myself within self honesty as I realize that only through living self honestly as one and equal to/as myself will I ever find "peace", thus, I realize that giving up is not a solution but only prolonging the problem as allowing myself to exist within/as the mind, giving my power away in separation from/as myself, and thus allowing separation/energy to be dominant as the directive principle within myself and the world as a whole, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for myself within allowing myself to actually live as myself within self honesty and not as the mind in self interest as separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up as an easy way out, as I have allowed myself to believe that giving up is like a pause on life, not realizing that there is no such thing to pause/stop life, life is here in every moment in every breath, I can either participate in supporting myself as life, or participate in abusing myself as life - the choice is mine, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ever make any choice/decision because I have always allowed myself to exist as the mind as energy as feeling/emotions and thus have never really made a directive decision but always have been directed by self interest as within the desire to feel good through believing my feelings/emotions/thoughts as they will protect me and lead me towards a good life for myself, not realizing that within realizing existence to be one interconnected existence, I will never achieve true happiness as long as it is based in self interest because I will always know within myself the price others are paying for my happiness, thus within self interest I am deeming myself to a life of shame and guilt and regret, within realizing this I realize that my emotions/feelings/thoughts can only lead me down the path of self interest because they are created within/as my mind as separation, thus I realize they are invalid - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my thoughts/feelings/emotions within believing they are bigger/stronger than me, not even trying to stop myself within already have making the choice to give up on myself which means to exist in self interest and suffer the consequences of shame and regret, thus I stop. When and as I see myself falling in the pattern of giving up, I push myself to support myself to stand, I realize giving up is not an option, it is only creating more pain and suffering in my own life and the lives of others as I postpone myself from standing and directing myself to change myself and the world as myself, thus I commit myself to support myself within/as breathing, as I breathe until the energetic possession has passed, within this I commit myself to support myself with physical movement as I have proven to myself that as I jump and move around and return to myself as the physical body, within enjoying myself as my physical body it is supporting me to "get out" of the mind possession and thus able to sit down and write it out for better clarity as to see the source of the possession as to be able to not fall in the same mind loop again.

To be continued

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Day 48 – Positive Reinforcement - Being Corrected

 

I've noticed that I am very reactive to people correcting me. For instance, I could be learning a new task and be corrected within making a note of a mistakes I've made, and given suggestions on how to do it better/how it should be done, or I could simply be doing something and someone would come along and instead of saying something positive they would say something that sounds like criticism, basically any statement that I interpret as if I am told that I am doing something wrong/bad/a mistake/poorly/not good enough…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when being corrected, instead of allowing myself to stay in breath and to listen clearly to what is being said, and simply apply what is being said after considering it within common sense

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within a form of anger/spitefulness when being corrected, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as anger/spitefulness within reaction to being corrected, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself within/as breath and to stop all reactions as spiteful/anger within me as I realize that such reactions are not acceptable as they are not supporting me as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within myself as anger/spitefulness/backchat when being corrected instead of stopping myself within self directed decision to stop my addiction to positive reinforcement and within that to stop my dependency on what other people thing/say about/to me to be able to direct myself in every moment and hear what people are saying without taking it personally but to use it as self support to expand myself within my application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as bad/wrong when being corrected and within this self-belief have not allowed myself to realize that I, as life, am not wrong/bad, and I am only bad/wrong if/when I am accepting myself as such within self definition due my interpretation of being corrected

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify myself within anger/spitefulness when being corrected through "telling myself" as back chat that the one correcting me is being judgmental, within this I am robing myself from the opportunity to change/expand within looking at the correction within common sense and apply it as such

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my reactions to being corrected through the idea/projection that the other is being judgmental when in fact it is me tat is judging what they are saying instead of simply hearing it as the living words and applying them as such within looking at the common sense within what is being said and not take it personally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when being corrected and take it personally as if what is being said defined me as who I am, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take being corrected personally and become upset within accepting myself as self diminishment through believing I am less for hearing/receiving criticism such as being corrected, as if what is being said is defining me, as if stating that I, as who I am, am bad/not good enough, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that what is being said is simply words to be looked at, and do not define me and do not direct me unless I allow it to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotional reaction when being corrected and within the reaction I have allowed myself to go into my mind within spitefulness and blame towards the one that has corrected me, and within that I have not allowed myself to look at the point spoken within self honesty and simply walk within common sense in regards to what is being said

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that any words spoken to me cannot hurt me in fact, but can only show me self back to self within seeing my reaction towards what is being said, and thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take being corrected as an opportunity to face myself within points of ego/reaction and instead have allowed myself to go into my mind and justify myself within it within that not allowing myself to change within self honesty due to resistance of looking at who I am within the moment of reaction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within a physical reaction as I am being corrected within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support myself within/as breath as I see myself react physically to being corrected

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react as judgment towards the being that is correcting me instead of supporting myself within/as breath and stopping myself within/as judgment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when being corrected to experience myself as being rejected/disapproved thus confirming the addiction I've accepted as myself as the desire/dependency for positive reinforcement, within this I commit myself to accept corrections as gifts to breathe through as I walk through the addiction for positive reinforcement and learn to apply myself within/as the physical within/as breath and to hear what is being said within practicality and not focus on the good/bad feeling I am experiencing because I have realized the deceptive nature of feelings and I commit myself within this to not accept myself to fall in the trap of being directed by good/bad feeling but to direct myself within common sense within self honesty within practical physicality as life

I commit myself to stopping myself within/as breath if/when I see myself go into a reaction to being corrected, I commit myself to stop myself as the back chat of judgment/blame when being corrected as justifying the anger/spitefulness and instead to breathe here until I have stopped the backchat/reaction and can see clearly what is being said

i commit myself to support myself within as being corrected as i realize that i can use any words said to me as a practical way to see if i am still reacting and if so i commit myself to investigate the points of reaction and to apply myself as writing/self forgiveness/self corrective statements until i am satisfied that i am self directive principle and am not directed by emotions/feelings/reaction., and can hear anything said to me and apply them within common sense as i see fit at the moment

Day 47 - Depression - Part 5 - Feeling Sad makes me a good and caring person

 

Extracted from my previous blog - Day 43 - Signs of Depression:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into sadness/depression when thinking of all the abuse going on in the world and knowing I have been living my life ignoring all the pain/abuse/suffering because I was "lucky" to be born in a supportive environment, and thus I feel guilty for not having to suffer when others do, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into sadness/guilt/depression as a way of self deception to bring myself to a form of being paralyzed as a way to excuse myself from doing all in my ability/power to do to change reality so that no one needs to suffer ever again

I see within this that I have been using bad/painful emotions as sadness/sorrow/guilt to indicate to me that I am a good person because, if abuse is going on and one doesn't feel bad about it, they must be a bad person, on the other hand, if abuse goes on and one does feel bad, it's because they are a good and caring person.

I realize within this that I have connected being good and caring to a feeling/emotion, as if what defines me as a good and caring person is how I feel about something and not who I am within it or what I do about it within the physical, within this I haven’t considered where these feelings/emotions comes from and what is hidden behind them.

I find it interesting to see how much power and value I have given feelings/emotions, and thus how easily I have allowed myself to be manipulated by it through giving value to the feeling/emotion instead of giving value to the physicality and to consider what is behind the feelings/emotions within looking/investigating the hidden mind, in other words, to consider that what one expresses as their feeling is in most cases done through suppressing/hiding/ignoring the actual starting point of self interest behind it all…

Within this point I see that I have created teams, kind of like in the movies, the good guys and the bad guys, and I have connected specific characters for each team. For instance, being sad and feeling guilty is always going to be on the good guys team, and the bad guys will look like they don't care, which means that they will not express themselves as sad/emotional…

lol… how everything is in reverse… the more I look at points within me I see how much self deception is behind all these "good characters"; so much hidden-manipulation within self interest and nothing else, nothing good about it… while the character I relate to the "bad guys" are direct, harshly honest, and do not play the "nice" game, thus in many ways they have one layer less of deception/manipulation to walk through, yet I consider them to be "bad" because they don't make the effort to make me feel "good" - this is so fucked up!!

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize everything is in reverse, within this i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take everything that i know to be true for granted just because that is what i have been taught by my parents/environment, and thus have allowed myself to simply follow those that have walked before me, even though they have not proven to me that they know what the fuck they are doing, and have themselves just blindly walked in the path shown to them by their elders, within this i commit myself to stop myself from taking /or granted anything in my reality, and to investigate within as myself within/as self honesty every point as to be sure that i am actually applying myself as what is best for all life and not what is best for the characters i was taught to protect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sadness/depression/guilt to see myself as a good person that cares about what goes on in the world, and thus use the sadness/depression/guilt as a way to actually feel good about myself within participating and feeding the addiction to good/positive feelings

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself knowing that I care about the suffering of the world through the painful feeling of sadness/depression/guilt, and to after a moment of feeling the bad/painful feelings to go back to my life within ignoring all the abuse that is around me, but to remain with the good feeling that I am one of the good people because I care and sadness/guilt/depression is the proof of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect feeling sad/guilty to being a good person through accepting the construct I have learned from my environment/society, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate these feelings and to see/face the deception within them as hidden mind as manipulation for self interest

I forgive for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a good person simply because I feel bad about atrocities, not realizing that what I am actually doing is excusing myself from taking actual physical action while accepting and allowing the abuse/atrocities to continue

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more value on emotions/feelings than on the physical, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be manipulated by the expression of emotions/feelings through believing they indicate someone to be good/bad, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the physical evidence due to a good/bad feeling i get from participating in believing I am a good person

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that a moment of sorrow, as long as it may be, cannot change anything in the grand picture of things, and thus creating a self belief that I am good for feeling bad is a complete disregard to all that is life as the real physical reality, instead I commit myself to be here in the physical within/as breath, and to act within common sense practicality in the physical reality and not in my mind as the illusion of being good, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be good to satisfy myself within my environment/society, to play the social game as the good character instead of actually walking as breath as what is actually best for all life

Self Commitment

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into bad feelings in regards to atrocities and instead to focus on stopping myself as the mind within realizing the deception/manipulation/abuse I am allowing within my participation with the mind, to be able to walk clear of emotions/feelings/energy to be able to trust myself that I am in fact walking as what is best for all life and am not busy creating a good life experience/feeling for myself within self interest

I commit myself to through investigating myself as the mind within the energetic/emotional reaction I participate in, to delete the connection between feeling sad/guilty and being a good person, within realizing that that connection is a lie, I commit myself to investigate connections I have made that I have allowed direct me within my life as creating opinions about myself and others 

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself giving value to feelings/emotions because I have realized the deception nature of emotions/feeling thus I commit myself to stop participating within/as them

I commit myself to stop myself from lying to myself within believing my emotions/feelings indicate/define who I am, and instead to push myself to actually be/live as life beyond the emotions/feelings within realizing they are not real as life and are the cause/source for abuse/suffering in the physical reality in the world today

Day 46 - Depression - Part 4 - Positive Reinforcement - Self Forgiveness & Corrective Statement

 

this is a follow up to my previous blogs:

Day 43 - Signs of Depression

Day 44 - Depression - Part 2 - The Cycle of Worthlessness

Day 45 - Depression - Part 3 - Positive Reinforcement

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on positive reinforcement to be able to assess myself and recognize if I'm on the right track, within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within not trusting myself to know within myself within/as self honesty if I'm in the "right direction" so to speak

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to receive positive reinforcement when I do things as I should and I haven't realized the impracticality of such an expectation, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the world doesn't revolve around me and thus when I do things as I should there isn't a committee set up to applaud me, within this I realize I have been programmed to believe I am special and loved through positive reinforcement and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept such construct as program to exist within me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the inherent limitation I have accepted as myself through the expectation for positive reinforcement and I haven't allowed myself to see the influence this construct has had on my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to positive reinforcement as the positive feeling I would get when being positively reinforced, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within being addicted to positive reinforcement, as with any addiction, I am not self directive because I will do anything as manipulation/deception to get the high positive energy, and will lash out on beings that don't supply my drug as positive reinforcement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out at beings, in words or in my mind, for not giving me positive reinforcement as the drug I crave, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify the lashing out at others through the belief/desire they should give me positive reinforcement, and within that I have created a belief that they are going through a ego problem for not giving me the positive reinforcement I believe I deserve

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame beings that don't give me the positive reinforcement that I believe I require in order to define myself as positive, and within going into blame I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind as back chat compounding the blame and justification, instead of realizing that like any addict I am responding through/as the addiction and thus cannot be trusted until I detoxify all the drug out of my system, through not allowing myself to accept positive reinforcement until I am satisfied that I can stand stable without it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in my mind, spite/revenge beings when they do not supply me with the positive reinforcement I am expecting and within that to allow myself to be nasty in my thoughts within the justification that "they deserve it" for not giving me my drug, and besides "I am not harming anybody" because it's only in my mind, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate within self honesty the consequences of participating within/as thoughts and to simply allow myself to participate with them, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the direct outflow of my participation with spiteful/revengeful thoughts as lashing out towards the other being in my mind, as the direct outflow is my allowing and accepting myself to abuse through first allowing spiteful thoughts to then allow spiteful words and then spiteful deeds towards them disregarding them as life simply because they haven't supplied me with the "hit" of positive reinforcement I was looking for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be positively reinforced instead of pushing myself to stand as self support and stability within not needing others to validate/confirm me because I would be stable within/as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be special and within that to expect everyone around me to be so impressed with me when I do things as I should, instead of looking at it within practicality as when things are done as they should be why would anything need to be mentioned, expecting a remark when I do things as I should implies that I do not expect myself to do as I should and that I expect my environment not to expect me to do as I should, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that within the expectation to receive a positive reinforcement I am implying that I do not actually expect me to succeed in what I am doing, and thus within it hide a form of self belittlement, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive positive reinforcement as a positive construct of support and I haven't seen that within it there is an implication of diminishment as an initial expectation for failure and thus a surprise as support when succeed, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the deceptive nature within positive reinforcement as a construct to keep being within a self belief of not being good enough and thus require the positive reinforcement, instead of giving actual support as suggestions for improvement within an expectation for perfection

 

Self Commitment

I commit myself to, through a process of writing myself out within self forgiveness and self corrective statements, to establish self trust within myself, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from relying on positive reinforcements to "tell" me who I am and within that to "know if I'm on the right track" but instead to know who I am as myself within self honesty

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself in search of external validation

I commit myself to stop the addiction to positive reinforcement through the realization that it is in fact a self diminishing construct and I will not allow myself to participate within it anymore, thus I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself fall into the pattern of desire for positive reinforcement

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when and as I see myself go into thoughts/desires of being special/the center of the universe, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself going into back chat as expectation/blame for not getting the positive reinforcement I believe I should get, within this I realize the extent programming I have accepted due to my participation within/as positive reinforcement and I commit myself to stop myself within giving others positive reinforcement because I see the destructive/abusive nature of such a construct

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when/as I see myself lashing out at other being, within words or in the mind, for not giving me positive reinforcement and instead I commit myself to see such points as a gift given to self by them, a gift that allows me to assess myself if/where I can expand my application more, as well as to see if the desire for positive reinforcement still exists within/as me, to notice that, and forgive myself within/as self support, within that I commit myself to practice gratefulness towards beings that do not give me positive reinforcement because through them I can see my addiction and walk through it

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath from participating within/as positive reinforcement, within this I commit myself to stop myself when/as I see myself going into manipulation to try and get positive reinforcement from those around me, when/as I see myself trying to get positive reinforcement I stop and breath, I bring myself back here, and remind myself that the positive feeling is an energetic experience as a drug to an addict and is not real as life, and thus I do not in fact require it, I commit myself to, through breath, bring myself here and prove to myself again and again that all I require is being here within breath.

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself giving others or about to give others positive reinforcement, I commit myself to find within/as myself the practical wording to actually support the being and not use positive reinforcement just because it feels nice, but to consider the other as well as myself and to stop myself from participating within the construct of positive reinforcement

I commit myself to through writing and practical common sense to learn how to support another as myself within stopping myself as the pattern of giving/desiring positive reinforcement and instead to focus on the practical physicality to direct any situation within support

I commit myself to investigate thoughts and the consequences of thoughts as to not allow myself to excuse myself from taking responsibility for my thoughts through the participation within ignorance as the excuse that "it's not harming anyone" without actually taking the time and walking the process of investigating all thoughts to be able to make that statement

I commit myself to stop myself from making assumptions without investigating the point for myself in fact, as the assumption of "thoughts can't hurt/harm anyone"

I commit myself, within realizing the direct outflow of thoughts being words/deeds, to stop myself within/as breath when and as I see myself participate within thoughts of spite/revenge towards others for not giving me the energetic high I wanted for my addiction of positive reinforcement

I commit myself to excellence and perfection, within this I commit myself to do things to the fullest and not allow myself to accept anything less than 100%, within this I realize the advantage of not getting positive reinforcement as it supports mediocrity as a form of saying "it's good enough". Thus I commit myself to stop myself within breath when I see myself accepting mediocrity as accepting from myself less than my full application according to the moment within common sense and self honesty

I commit myself to myself, I commit myself to establishing self trust through writing, self forgiveness, corrective statement and walking the correction within and as breath, day by day, breath by breath

Day 44 - Depression - Part 2 - The Cycle of Worthlessness

 

this is a follow up to my previous blog: Day 43 - Signs of Depression

 

The cycle of self worthlessness is a vicious one because it feeds off of itself, the more you believe yourself to be worthless the less you apply yourself in the physical and thus prove to yourself your worthlessness, because you are not practically doing anything of worth, as in not moving/applying yourself in the physical, so within observing this, your self belief in regards to worthlessness grows stronger and stronger the more you participate with it. within this cycle one must realize that self is creating this through self's participation and acceptance and thus only self can get self out of the cycle.

For me, my feeling/self belief of worthlessness comes up a lot through comparison and competition, I see around me very effective/successful human-beings, effective and successful through my perspective of course, and then I compare myself to them, I evaluate myself according to them, and more often than not I deem myself less than them, and thus worthless. Obviously, in order to create myself as self worthlessness I do not compare myself to just any one, I select a few that I perceive them to be effective/successful and judge myself according to them. And not even according to them but rather according to specific aspects of them, the specific aspects that I value and admire within them. I will judge myself in relation to these specific aspect within them, not allowing myself to see it is just specific aspects that I am looking at, but will perceive it to be the total definition of both them and myself, and then the result of this will be judging/defining myself as being worthless.

If I was a scientist, I would gave to say that my research is pre determined and bias - I do not have a fair representation of population and I am not considering the entity of the being, but only looking at specific aspects within them, from a starting point of looking for proof that I am worthless and that exactly what I will find.

Just like with the endless cycle, here too I am heading myself in for a fall, I am creating the experience of worthlessness to myself and by myself, and then I forget I have created it and believe it to be the truth. All this instead of stopping allowing myself to abuse myself within participating and recreating the cycle of worthlessness, and to accept myself as life within realizing that I am here, I am alive, and I am not actually really defined by the ideas/opinions/definitions I have attached to myself and the same goes for anybody else. Non of us are actually defined by anything except for being equal as life, that is the only definition that can stand the test of time, and that seams to be the only thing that has been overlooked.

I see now that depression is connected to the point of self worth, as long as I do not value myself as equal to/as life I will always find ways to prove to myself that I am worthless and within believing myself to be worthless I am excusing myself from actually participating and taking responsibility for myself as this world, I realize that as long as I keep comparing myself to others through defining our value according to our skills I will keep on trapping myself in the cycle of self worthlessness, until I stop. Stopping within the understanding that any form of self diminishing is indicating to me that I am not accepting myself as who I am as life, and is in fact an endless cycle that leads me further and further from myself as realizing myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as self worthlessness

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as life, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to exist as life but instead I have allowed myself to exist as the mind within separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself in the cycle of worthlessness, not realizing that the cycle can only go on as long as I believe it, participate within it and thus create it, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually be worthless through accepting myself as worthlessness and I haven’t allowed myself to see that believing I am worthless is an illusion of the mind created through comparison as separation to keep me trapped within/as the mind to never realize myself as life

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I am creating myself as worthless through my participation within the cycle of worthlessness through believing myself to be worthless and thus within this belief, I do not apply myself, do not push myself to excellence only to prove myself right, and thus allow myself to actually be worthless through not applying myself within/as the physical to create a world worth living in and to create myself as a being that is worth living through valuing myself as life as all life and supporting all life within allowing myself to exist as dignity and integrity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within participating within/as worthlessness to stop myself from actually doing all that needs to be done to create a world worth living in, a world that all life is equally worthy, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used the self belief of being worthless as a justification to not push myself and do all in my ability to actually live as self worth because I have believed my own creation of self worthlessness and thus gave up on myself as the world without even trying to do/change anything, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value myself as life and all life as one, and within that to do all I can do to be worthy of life through creating a life worth living to all

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have always been creating myself as worthlessness, and thus have always had the ability to stop myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as worthlessness within self diminishment as self abuse as not allowing myself to expand and express myself as life because I have allowed myself to limit myself within the belief of being worthless and thus did not allow myself to challenge that idea of myself through always proving me right by remaining worthless in my actions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-value on my skills and abilities, and within that to evaluate myself according to others, thus to define myself as more or less according to whom I am comparing myself to, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as worthlessness through comparing myself to specific aspects/skills of others that I define better than me, and thus to intentionally compare myself to them to prove to myself my worthlessness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as worthless through comparing myself to others within finding points/aspects within them that they are better/more than me, and thus within looking at both of us through a very narrow lens that only sees this specific aspect I judge them as worthy and myself as worthless, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use comparison as a tool for self support to, through other beings in my environment, see how I can expand myself further, but instead I have used it as a tool of self diminishment as believing myself to be worthless in comparison to others, and thus not allow myself to expand within equalizing myself to them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself (and others) as good/bad and worthy/worthless through grading myself in relation to specific skills/abilities/performances that I have defined as important/valuable and within that have not allowed myself to see me within the totality of myself as life, not as a list of skills/abilities but as a living being that is valuable through the mere fact of being alive, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to value life unconditionally but have placed a condition as a list of skills/performances that one must exist as to deserve the right to live as worthy, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize the extent of abuse that I am allowing within this construct, just as the world system that exist today that permits people a dignified life only within the condition of them being successful in the eyes of the system.

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into the character of worthlessness, because I have seen the deception and abusive nature of this character and thus I commit myself to stopping myself from accepting myself as this character

I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself go into comparison, and to direct any point within me towards self support within changing my starting point from comparison as self diminishment into comparison as self expansion

When and as I see myself giving value to skills/performances I stop and breathe, I realize that all are equal as life unconditionally, life doesn't require any skill/performance to exist as life and thus I commit myself to show that any value system, creating a grading skill as worthy and not worthy, is the source of all abuse within the current system as we have forgotten that all are equally alive and thus are equally valuable and equally worthy to a dignified/supportive life

Day 43 - Signs of Depression

 

I've been waking up every morning 10-30 minutes before my alarm goes off, and every time I had gone back to sleep, to "win" those precious minutes of sleep instead of simply waking up and “winning" them as being awake - alive.

I've written about this point before and I've seen that the high value I place on sleep is essentially a sign of depression, through escaping myself as life within my daily responsibilities.

Yesterday I was told I have an expression of sadness in my eyes, it took me by surprise because I try to present myself as a happy expression, so it is surprising when people can see through the mask and into the deeper me.

I’ve never allowed myself to explore that point because I have always feared falling into depression, I always knew it was there but have been resisting opening that box up, due to the fear of what I might find in it… and even worse, what if I can't close/clear/ignore the content of the box, and will stay in a state of depression for ever…

When I was about 16 years old I learnt that my grandmother had suffered from depression all her life, I think that it might have been the cause for the fear, because it's known to be hereditary and thus I was worried that if I just trigger it in any way, and let it show it's head, it will have me, I will be lost in depression.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to be able to see/face myself as sadness/depression and accordingly correct and change myself while remaining stable within and as myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to explore myself as sadness/depression within fear of not being able to control/handle it and thus within fear of remaining depressed forever, within this i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust me to be here as breath, within the understanding that i am the creator of depression within/as myself and thus i have the ability to assist and support myself to stand, as I’m the directive principle as the one that decide who I am in every moment of ever breath, within this i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the story/situation of my grandmother onto myself and thus create a fear within me in regards to someone else's experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling into depression, and within that to create myself as a happy character, as a mask to hide any sign of sadness behind, and thus to suppress myself through not allowing myself to see myself as sad, instead of allowing myself to face myself as who I am in each moment within realizing that my experience is the consequence of who I have allowed myself to be, and thus only through allowing myself to face myself can I see the point within its source/origin and change myself accordingly as self correction to support myself as life, within this i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by hiding myself from myself I am living as self suppression within fear and allowing the source point to accumulate uninterrupted, as I go along deceiving myself into believing I am happy because I have become so used to my happy character that I have created

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate sadness within/as myself instead of allowing myself to within self honesty face each point/experience as it appears in the moment, to be able to see it, breathe through it, walk the correction and "be done with it", instead of suppressing it within not allowing myself to step out of my happy character, not allowing myself to admit and see/face the point of pain/sorrow within me due to fear of what i might find, and self doubt in regards to not trusting myself to be able to stay stable here within/as breath within opening up such points

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into sadness/depression when thinking of all the abuse going on in the world and knowing I have been living my life ignoring all the pain/abuse/suffering because I was "lucky" to be born in a supportive environment, and thus I feel guilty for not having to suffer when others do, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into sadness/guilt/depression as a way of self deception to bring myself to a form of being paralyzed as a way to excuse myself from doing all in my ability/power to do to change reality so that no one needs to suffer ever again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into depression as my way to get myself out of the game, so to speak, as a way to excuse myself from having to do anything because I am sad/depressed. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the social acceptance where being sad/depressed is a treated as an illness as if one cannot function at top of ones ability due to accepting sadness/depression to take over as mind possession, and thus being sad/depressed has been used by myself and society as an excuse to not take responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad/depressed within fear of being alone, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone and within that to create dependencies on other beings in my environment, to then when thinking about not being around them any more I become sad/depressed within/as fear being alone, as well as fear of loss

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that fear of loss as well as fear of being alone are mind created fears, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop my participation with fear of loss as well as fear of being alone and to thus allow myself to be directed by the fears within creating a dependency on others, only to, when thoughts of the future within the possibility of losing them come up, allow myself to go into sadness/depression, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my thoughts as future projections/fear more than life, here in the moment as the physical, and to thus compromise myself as life here, to entertain myself as thoughts in the mind, to create energetic reactions within me, to then be directed by the energy and not move myself within self direction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself, within seeing myself as unworthy and within this to create inner resentment towards myself that has accumulated into a sadness/depression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as less than the idea I have about myself as who I should have been, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others within the assumption that they are living out the idea I had set out for myself, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a competition within my mind where I am always the looser, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide all of this from myself within shame through creating myself as the happy/confident character to show everyone around me that I am not a looser, while in the process suppressing myself to such an extent that now, when I am here and ready to face myself I cannot easily see/find the points within myself as the actual source of sadness/depression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself through creating myself as happy character to cover up the actual feelings of shame/self judgment I’ve been experiencing, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as those experiences instead of allowing myself to deal with them as self support within self honesty

I commit myself to when going into fear of loss as well as fear of being alone I stop myself within/as breath, I realize that these fears exist through my participation with them, and thus I make a directive decision to stop myself as the fear and breathe myself back here to the physical, here as life, where fear does not exist, I realize that any participation within fear is a mind manipulation to keep me trapped as the mind and not able to see reality as the physical as one and equal

I commit myself to stop myself within the experience of sad/depressed because I realize it is an energetic experience opening the back door for me to get out of my responsibilities, I commit myself to investigate within self honesty the source point of sadness/depression to be able to stand within/as it and not allow it to direct me

I commit myself to allow myself to see/face points within myself as sadness because I realize that they are there, and thus to change myself within the point I must face it

I commit myself to further investigate the point of depression within me, until I am satisfied that I can direct myself within/as the point, I commit myself to support myself, to not compromise within this point and to push through the resistance until I am done with it, and am here, within/as breath, within self trust and self worthiness.

Day 27 - Having a bad day

Yesterday I had a 'bad' day here at the farm, I started working with the horses so my day got added two more time slots of physicality, which I love, but it is very time consuming and suddenly the time I have left is less, so I see that I will need to start rearranging my time more effectively which brings up a point of fear/concern because I have always lived within the self-definition of not knowing to manage my time, so having to be more affective within it was experienced as a point of stress. Another point that came up within me is that I handed in my last assignment for school the previous day, so yesterday  was the first day I actually had the full day to be here and not have to spend my time on finishing up the assignments, which is what I've done in the first few days here, but I guess in a way having the assignment gave me a side door escape from the process I am walking here, like an excuse to not write/self-forgive/self-investigate, because I have this assignment to do… and now I don't anymore have this excuse/side door anymore and I can actually be completely here, and that scares me….

There were some more little things that have happened throughout the day, nothing too significant, for instance, I experienced resistance towards writing my daily blog and the self-forgiveness I have committed myself to write as a part of the SRA course I am walking, and the resistance brought up another fear of not being able to do this, not being capable enough within some high expectation I have been comparing myself to, a point that I've seen many times come up within me, that I expect myself to be more than myself within my process, instead of allowing myself to walk it for/as myself, one step at a time, crossing the berries of resistance as they come along and show me more points within/as myself, but instead I go into stress and self-judgment that I will never make it thus making it that much harder for myself instead of breathing through the resistance, pushing through it, investigating it and moving passed it…

Now that I'm writing about it I see more and more points… lol… so maybe it wasn't just a few small points but rather some big issues I have allowed myself to suppress until they have accumulated…

So, another point was a blog I read and within reading it I started thinking of how selfish I am, and how I would always put myself first before my friends if a guy was concerned, and just thinking and judging myself within looking at the point of who I am within relationships, and can I actually be trusted to support someone or only always myself…  I know I can be both supportive and selfish, and I know I am abusing myself as self-diminishment through self-judgment within focusing only on the times I wouldn't give up my own pleasure for helping/supporting another being/a friend, instead of looking at it from a perspective of being grateful for seeing the point and allowing myself to change within taking self-responsibility for myself from now on, through allowing myself to forgive myself for the past as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become and decide who I want to be from here on out within standing as the principle of equality and oneness and pushing through the patterns as self-interest I have created myself as. But before realizing this just now through writing, yesterday I was upset and judging myself for basically being a selfish, untrustworthy bitch.

So the whole day was full of these small points within my day that I didn't direct and allowed accumulate without even being aware of them, until by the end of the day I had this cloud hovering over me, I wanted to be alone, I felt low, but I didn't want to support myself, I wanted to wallow in my own misery, not asking for assistance from all those around me, just staying in this depressed sensation, that even now writing about it I tear up, almost like experiencing it again, or emotionally remembering the feeling. 

The points I see that came up within me through-out the day are:

·         Allowing myself to wallow in my misery instead of supporting myself to stand up and out of the mind possession

·         My relationship to Time management

·         Fear of being here fully, what does it mean to me?

·         Resistance towards writing – how I define myself accordingly and the fear I go into, allowing myself to be directed by the resistance instead of pushing myself to walk through within breath

·         Judging myself for being a selfish bitch / bad friend / putting guys before friends

I'll take them on one at a time

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as low/sad/depressed and instead of investigating the point or finding a way to support myself to walk through this point I have allowed myself to wallow in my own misery as a form of self-abuse within believing myself as the mind and giving the emotion experience power and control over me, instead of standing clear and directing myself as self-support within/as breath through the emotional possession

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to close myself off in my room, instead of staying with the other beings, within the fear of my emotional possession being exposed, not realizing that it is the possession that fears being exposed and I, as self-direction, can/am able to push myself to expose/investigate/explore the emotional possession as I know this is actually self-support while also knowing that allowing it to possess me is self-abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to close myself off in my room as I have closed myself off in my mind as emotional possession, instead of staying within/as the physical as practical physical support through allowing myself to face the beings around me with thus staying physical within real communication and not closed off alone in my mind in my room away from anything that can assist me in getting out of the mind and back to the physical

Self-Commitment Statements

I commit myself to support myself through breath when I am in a state of mind possession as experiencing myself as sad/low/depressed, thus to push myself to breathe for as long as it takes until the possession is passed to show to myself that I am here as breath remain after the storm of emotion has passed

I commit myself to when experiencing myself low/sad/depressed to stay/express with the beings around me as self-support, and push through the fear of exposure due to realizing that the fear of walking through the emotional possession is of the mind and not self-directed, thus I push and direct myself to support myself to move out of the emotional possession through the assistance of those around me through not running away from facing them within the fear of being exposed, but rather realize that the exposure is a first step in solving/investigating the point of possession, through making it physical within communication

I commit myself to when being possessed by emotions as sad/sorrow/low, to push myself to be as physical as possible as a point of self support, and thus to communicate with people, to breathe, and to allow myself to step out of my mind as a room I have placed myself in alone within separation and to allow myself to be in the actual reality as the physical with other human beings

Day 7 - Still snoozing

check out for context my previous blog on the topic: Day 3 - you snooze you lose

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as less than sleep and within that to prefer sleeping than waking up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea about sleeping as it being valuable, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I’m losing something valuable when waking up early in the morning

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I have a few more minutes to sleep in the morning, I convince myself to stay in bed and I value the extra few minutes of sleeping

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of waking up and starting my day within breath, I start my day within giving up to my mind as justification to sleeping longer as to avoid getting out of bed and starting my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid ding what’s needs to be done, by  sleeping in late and by watching TV instead of going to sleep when tired

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleep as an escape route from my reality as not being focused at night when tired, as well as not wanting to wake up in the morning

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a energetic charge on to sleeping instead of seeing it within the practicality of resting the body, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleeping as a method/excuse to not face myself within what I need to do and am procrastinating/resisting

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleeping and being tired as an excuse to avoid my responsibilities, instead of facing myself within self responsibility and getting up and go to sleep in practical times to have time and be focused on what needs to be done

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to use sleep practically as self support within self honesty, instead I have abused myself within/as sleep by using it as an excuse to get out of  my responsibilities and stay in bed as long as possible avoiding myself as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to and be directed by my mind as thought/ideas/justifications especially in the morning, telling me to stay in bed and not worry about what needs to get done

I commit myself to use sleep as self support within self honesty, and not as an excuse to get out of my responsibilities as that is self dishonest and thus not self supportive.