Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Day 27 - Having a bad day

Yesterday I had a 'bad' day here at the farm, I started working with the horses so my day got added two more time slots of physicality, which I love, but it is very time consuming and suddenly the time I have left is less, so I see that I will need to start rearranging my time more effectively which brings up a point of fear/concern because I have always lived within the self-definition of not knowing to manage my time, so having to be more affective within it was experienced as a point of stress. Another point that came up within me is that I handed in my last assignment for school the previous day, so yesterday  was the first day I actually had the full day to be here and not have to spend my time on finishing up the assignments, which is what I've done in the first few days here, but I guess in a way having the assignment gave me a side door escape from the process I am walking here, like an excuse to not write/self-forgive/self-investigate, because I have this assignment to do… and now I don't anymore have this excuse/side door anymore and I can actually be completely here, and that scares me….

There were some more little things that have happened throughout the day, nothing too significant, for instance, I experienced resistance towards writing my daily blog and the self-forgiveness I have committed myself to write as a part of the SRA course I am walking, and the resistance brought up another fear of not being able to do this, not being capable enough within some high expectation I have been comparing myself to, a point that I've seen many times come up within me, that I expect myself to be more than myself within my process, instead of allowing myself to walk it for/as myself, one step at a time, crossing the berries of resistance as they come along and show me more points within/as myself, but instead I go into stress and self-judgment that I will never make it thus making it that much harder for myself instead of breathing through the resistance, pushing through it, investigating it and moving passed it…

Now that I'm writing about it I see more and more points… lol… so maybe it wasn't just a few small points but rather some big issues I have allowed myself to suppress until they have accumulated…

So, another point was a blog I read and within reading it I started thinking of how selfish I am, and how I would always put myself first before my friends if a guy was concerned, and just thinking and judging myself within looking at the point of who I am within relationships, and can I actually be trusted to support someone or only always myself…  I know I can be both supportive and selfish, and I know I am abusing myself as self-diminishment through self-judgment within focusing only on the times I wouldn't give up my own pleasure for helping/supporting another being/a friend, instead of looking at it from a perspective of being grateful for seeing the point and allowing myself to change within taking self-responsibility for myself from now on, through allowing myself to forgive myself for the past as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become and decide who I want to be from here on out within standing as the principle of equality and oneness and pushing through the patterns as self-interest I have created myself as. But before realizing this just now through writing, yesterday I was upset and judging myself for basically being a selfish, untrustworthy bitch.

So the whole day was full of these small points within my day that I didn't direct and allowed accumulate without even being aware of them, until by the end of the day I had this cloud hovering over me, I wanted to be alone, I felt low, but I didn't want to support myself, I wanted to wallow in my own misery, not asking for assistance from all those around me, just staying in this depressed sensation, that even now writing about it I tear up, almost like experiencing it again, or emotionally remembering the feeling. 

The points I see that came up within me through-out the day are:
·         Allowing myself to wallow in my misery instead of supporting myself to stand up and out of the mind possession
·         My relationship to Time management
·         Fear of being here fully, what does it mean to me?
·         Resistance towards writing – how I define myself accordingly and the fear I go into, allowing myself to be directed by the resistance instead of pushing myself to walk through within breath
·         Judging myself for being a selfish bitch / bad friend / putting guys before friends

I'll take them on one at a time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as low/sad/depressed and instead of investigating the point or finding a way to support myself to walk through this point I have allowed myself to wallow in my own misery as a form of self-abuse within believing myself as the mind and giving the emotion experience power and control over me, instead of standing clear and directing myself as self-support within/as breath through the emotional possession

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to close myself off in my room, instead of staying with the other beings, within the fear of my emotional possession being exposed, not realizing that it is the possession that fears being exposed and I, as self-direction, can/am able to push myself to expose/investigate/explore the emotional possession as I know this is actually self-support while also knowing that allowing it to possess me is self-abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to close myself off in my room as I have closed myself off in my mind as emotional possession, instead of staying within/as the physical as practical physical support through allowing myself to face the beings around me with thus staying physical within real communication and not closed off alone in my mind in my room away from anything that can assist me in getting out of the mind and back to the physical

Self-Commitment Statements
I commit myself to support myself through breath when I am in a state of mind possession as experiencing myself as sad/low/depressed, thus to push myself to breathe for as long as it takes until the possession is passed to show to myself that I am here as breath remain after the storm of emotion has passed

I commit myself to when experiencing myself low/sad/depressed to stay/express with the beings around me as self-support, and push through the fear of exposure due to realizing that the fear of walking through the emotional possession is of the mind and not self-directed, thus I push and direct myself to support myself to move out of the emotional possession through the assistance of those around me through not running away from facing them within the fear of being exposed, but rather realize that the exposure is a first step in solving/investigating the point of possession, through making it physical within communication

I commit myself to when being possessed by emotions as sad/sorrow/low, to push myself to be as physical as possible as a point of self support, and thus to communicate with people, to breathe, and to allow myself to step out of my mind as a room I have placed myself in alone within separation and to allow myself to be in the actual reality as the physical with other human beings


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