Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Monday, March 11, 2013
Going through some memories, I have noticed a pattern of allowing myself to be the butt of the joke, presenting myself as being cool about it and laughing with everybody, while actually taking it personally, though not daring to express this, because I so desire to fit in and be accepted as one of the group, I thus suppress myself in self judgment and instead accept and allow this to continue, allowing myself to experience myself as being abused again and again, when all along I am the one abusing myself through judging myself for taking it personally and yet allowing the situation where I experience myself being abused to continue, and not making a stand to stop it, not stopping it within myself as to not take it personally, and not stopping it without as not accepting words / behavior that are of an abusive nature.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be called by nick names within a starting point of the idea that nick names are endearing, and thus, within the desire to be accepted and loved I will allow to be named by nick names even when they are abusive in nature from the perspective of them putting me down - within this I realize that no name can put me down, and any experience of being put down by a demeaning nick name is a reflection of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as inferiority, within this I realize that my reaction to any given nick name is a window of opportunity for me to explore the reaction, forgive myself and let go the construct, as inferiority, that I am showing myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself, when given a nick name that does not stand in equality to me, as it is an expression of superiority / inferiority within it's starting point as expressing diminishment / belittlement, to stand up and stop participation within and as the nick name, as to ask the person to stop using this name, and to stop laughing from the name - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, even when I have realized the nick name does not stand within equality, within it being an expression of diminishment / belittlement, to continue allowing it, and continue participating with it - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow and participate with the given nick name within a starting point of wanting to be accepted, within the idea that it isn't cool to take such things personally, and I am better off laughing with them, and presenting myself as if I don't care, in order to gain their acceptance, and not cause friction / conflict within standing up and asking / demanding them to stop using such a demeaning name.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with and allow being given an abusive nick name within the starting point of wanting to seem cool, as if I don't mind and am not taking it personally, within this not standing in equality within and as myself, but rather trying to be and present myself as that which I am not, within this not realizing that by doing so I am suppressing myself and in fact not accepting myself in the moment of taking it personally, thus separation myself form the experience of taking it personally and deeming it as "bad" / "wrong", not realizing that only through allowing myself to be one with that which I am, will I be able to walk a process of self introspection, self investigation, taking self responsibility into self change, into true self acceptance - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by not allowing myself to admit even to myself that I am taking it personally, I am robbing myself the opportunity to self investigate in self honesty why I am taking it personally, as the first step in the path for self change as to eventually not take such things personally as I will know who I am and will not be moved by such mockery.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by allowing myself to be named in diminishing nick names in order to be accepted, I am diminishing myself - as I am compromising myself as equal within the desire to be accepted at any cost, and thus I place myself as less than the group in order to experience myself fitting in within the idea that standing up for myself will not be accepted by them, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief / notion, that to be accepted into a group I must first stand in humbleness, but I have defined humbleness as weakness / inferior, and thus believed that I must stand in inferiority in order to be accepted, as to not threaten anyone, as to not be intimidating, and within this I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that by doing so I am not allowing myself to express myself and thus whether they accept me or not, it isn't me that they are accepting but rather a character I have created as myself, an illusion of myself, and thus I am placing myself in a position, that I must maintain my deceptive character in order to maintain the relationship that has been based on my own deception, yet I cherish it in the desire to be accepted at any cost.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify using abusive nick names as being a joke, even though I know that the starting point of such names is abusive, and thus not acceptable, I realize that I have used nick names towards others from a starting point of diminishing them, and have justified them to myself as being innocent, while in fact it was not, it is an expression of evil and must be stopped, from both my participation as the giver of the nick name and the receiver - such silent and seemingly innocent abuse must be directed and stopped, as it is unacceptable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen as easy going and cool, thus, within existing as and maintaining this personality I have not allowed myself to stand up and expose this hidden abuse that is existent within and as such nick names -not standing up in self interest of not wanting to ruin the image of being easy going and cool, within believing that only through presenting myself as this personality will I be accepted, within a belief that once accepted by the group I will be safe from being called names any more, as I will be one of them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept shit thrown my way, whether it is done deliberately or not, within wanting to maintain an easy going / cool image, within hiding the fact that I am taking it personally and would like it to stop - within this, I realize that it is my responsibility to investigate any reaction I have towards a name or a behavior towards me, but I also have a responsibility to support myself and others by standing as the voice of reason / common sense and showing that what we are busy with is abusive and uncalled for, and simply evil - and thus must stop as I will not allow myself to participate in the structure of being deliberately evil and cruel towards each other.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in activities that I do not stand with / as in self honesty, such as giving / receiving abusive nicknames, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by participating within an activity that I do not stand with / as in self honesty I am compromising myself within accepting and allowing back chat as self doubt to come up within me, questioning the decision to participate, not realizing that a self honest decision was never made, because it was made in self interest and fear - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in and accept activities I do not stand with / as in self honest from the starting point of fear of losing the acceptance of others and fear of missing out on the fun, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in activities due to fear and not based on my self honest evaluation of the activity within deciding whether I stand by / with it or not, thus allowing myself to be directed and motivated by fear instead of principle, compromising myself and others from the perspective of allowing myself to exist in a way that cannot be trusted, as I can be manipulated / persuaded to do anything that is not aligned with common sense, as the principle of what is best for all life. Within this I realize that any activity I participate within, I am equal to, and thus I must push myself to stop following the mind's temptation as motivation of fear / desire, but instead to walk in alignment to the principle of equality, to participate in that which is aligned in common sense as what is best for all life, and not participate in that which I will stand in shame knowing that I have done so within a starting point of self interest / fear / desire, and not of principle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories of being bullied and use such memories to exist in blame towards those who bullied me, not seeing my part / responsibility of the situation as I have allowed it within wanting to seem cool, or simply within fear of standing up for myself, or within an acceptance of being bullied - within all points I am equally responsible for accepting and allowing such bullying to take place, towards myself and towards others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories of me bullying others, and use such memories to exist in guilt and shame, instead of realizing that guilt and shame do not change me and will not prevent me from doing it again if not directed through self investigation by writing and self forgiveness to get to the understanding of why I have been as I was and thus through understanding to walk a process of self correction - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by existing in guilt / shame as a self inflicted punishment within self judgment I am bullying myself and thus still giving my allowance and participation of the construct of bullying .
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to memories of either being bullied or bullying others, within allowing myself to exist in an energetic experience of blame / self victimization or guilt / shame - both sides of the same polarity created through my participation within and as the construct of bullying, not realizing that the first / basic point is self bullying which I am accepting and allowing through self judgment instead of applying practical application and self change - holding onto the memory instead of changing myself to live as principle of equality as what is best for all life, and thus make sure that I will never again accept any bullying towards others or myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of participating in an activity within a starting point of fear / desire and not of principle, thus allowing myself to, within awareness, participate in an activity that I do not stand one and equal with, yet through my participation I am standing one and equal with, and thus exist within inner conflict / friction - creating a situation for myself that as a platform for back chat and self judgment as self sabotage, instead of stopping myself within breath from participating and being directed by fear / desire, and pushing myself to stand by / as the principle of equality for life, within realizing that only when / as I stand by / as this principle will I build myself as self trust, self honor and self respect - any thing else that is not aligned within self honesty will inevitably lead to self judgment / guilt / shame, which then will lead to a life of suffering and justification to ease my mind as I manipulate myself to forget / hide the actuality of my actions, and thus separate myself from myself further and further, to the point of not knowing myself, and only exist as justification instead of self honesty, in equality and oneness within and as myself as who I am as life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the pattern of accepting abuse within the desire of being accepted, and thus on the other hand, fear of being rejected, not realizing that I am abusing myself within allowing others to abuse me, and I am within that standing as an example that self abuse is accepted and allowed, as I am one with and equal to it within my acceptance and participations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as the pattern of not standing up for myself within the desire to seem cool, and thus, within fear of seeming like I am taking things too personally, within this I am depriving myself the opportunity to walk my process in self honesty, as at the moment I am taking the abuse / words towards me personally.
support yourself through practical education – in relation to bullying here are some recommendations:
Sunette - Children and Bullying - Practical Solutions
and on EQAFE
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
Thursday, December 27, 2012
I have an ideal as a list of properties that I believe should be / have, in order for me to be satisfied with myself, and I thus, expect / desire / need myself to match this ideal, as list of properties in order to achieve self acceptance. There is like an invisible scale, like a grading scale where I place myself on the scale, based on how I judge myself according to comparing myself to others - how will I know where to place myself if not in comparison to others in my life whom I've defined as more or les than me in regards to a specific property. Within this I see the illusionary state I have been existing as, where I expect myself to be one thing, as I expect /want myself to be placed high on the grade scale I have invented in my mind, and in self judgment I am never good enough, never holding up to my ideal.
An interesting thing within this is that I was going to say that in reality I am not where I expect myself to be on the grade scale, but in fact in reality, this grade scale doesn't exist - it only exists as the mind's idea and judgment, so it's not even to say that I expect myself to be more than who I am, but judge myself as less - because that would validate the grade system I have created within / as myself, the grade system that I am using as a tool to create inner conflict in my life - what I realize is that who I am will never be defined according to how high I score on some make believe scale, who I am is defined within my relationship to and as myself, within what I accept and allow within and as myself, and at the moment, what I have been allowing myself is to exist in a mind made polarity of expectation and self judgment - I have accepted and allowed myself to be and exist as self judgment, self diminishment, self rejection - I realize that it's not about what it is specifically about myself that I reject, because as long as I accept and allow myself to be and exist as self judgment I will always be able to justify any point of self judgment as valid. I've been looking at and wanting to accept the content / property of myself, when in fact, the point is who I am within the relationship to / with / as myself, regardless of the actual content, thus, despite of how I currently judge myself.
What I mean by this is that looking at the actuality of how good / nice / beautiful / smart / special / effective / clever / insightful / consistent / calm / directive I am, is still within the realm of self judgment, and thus is not valid - any point of quantifying myself is not valid - who I really am as/within self judgment is the fact that I am not equal within and as myself, I am existing within the mind as I have created an ideal based on a value system injected to me by society through my acceptance, and instead of walking my life here, in breath, as unconditional self expression, accepting myself unconditionally as myself as I am life - I have given value to all these things / properties / characters and have allowed myself to exist in separation from / as myself within expectation and judgment.
I realize that as long as I exist in the polarity of expectation and self judgment, no matter what I do, what I look like, how I apply myself, what I say, how I behave... - I will find points judge myself for, because I have been allowing self judgment, as a construct, as a design, to exist within and as myself - I realize that within accepting and allowing self judgment I realize I will never be satisfied with myself, will never be content, will never accept myself unconditionally, within the belief that only if I become more, will I allow myself to rest - but that never happens because there always is another point to judge myself for and expect myself to improve in, and thus it becomes an endless race against myself - instead of realizing that all that I am is here, and all that I must do in order to accept myself is to allow myself to deliberately stop and let go the self judgment and to will /push myself to walk a step by step, practical process into self change - thus, accepting myself not from a starting point of allowing myself to continue as I have been, because I have realized that who I have been in unacceptable, as I have been existing in my mind as self judgment, and completely separated from the reality which is here and cannot be judged in self honesty because it is what it is, and thus, within living in separation from myself within the acceptance of self judgment, I have not really been living - so self acceptance is thus to accept that this is where I am at the moment, this is who I am at the moment - and not judge myself for it, within realizing that judgment is a mind manipulation, getting me to separate from myself even further, instead of embracing myself like a child and supporting myself to learn from my mistakes and assisting myself to change into a living being that is self directive, and exist as self honor, self respect and self trust, and thus to honor, respect and trust all life as life.
But how do I become self acceptance if at the moment I am judging all that I do not accept about myself, I must then allow myself to let go the judgment - fear comes up - why do I experience the self judgment as protecting me in some way which would cause me to fear letting go of it - the point I see as justifying judgment, within the experience that it is protecting me, is from the starting point of if I judge myself I am protecting myself from others judging me, as if, if they see me judging myself they won't need to, they might even take pity on me and show me that I'm not as bad as I believe myself to be, they will even give me positive reinforcement - thus, I see within this that I am using self judgment as emotional manipulation to get positive feedback from others and to avoid negative feedback - I realize I have created myself as the character of self judgment as a defense mechanism, and have been playing the part long enough to believe it to be me in fact, to forget it is just a character that I can stop participating with in any time, as I realize it is causing harm to myself and others.
How do I stop self judgment? The only way to do it, is to simply do it - when and as I see myself go into self judgment as back chat of self judgment come up within me, or back chat of comparison or competition, or when back chat of desires or fantasies come up - I stop myself and breathe, I realize all these back chats are holding within them self judgment, and I do not allow myself to participate with self judgment any more - when self judgment comes up - I stop it immediately, when I see I have fallen into self judgment I stop myself, forgive myself in the very moment, and write out the specific back chat to walk specific forgiveness on each point of self judgment that comes up within me, until I'm done and am no longer enslaved to self judgment.
In the next blogs, I will walk a process of self forgiveness for the specific back chat of self judgment that come up during the day.
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Friday, November 23, 2012
for further context: Giving Up on Myself - Life Review
Also please visit my previous blogs, if you haven’t already:
Day 97 - Giving up is an elitist privilege
Day 98 - Giving up is an elitist privilege - Part 2 - Self commitments
I realize that in any moment that I am not here in breath, as aware of myself breathing within my physical body, I am in a realm of the mind, existing within / as energy as participating in thoughts / feelings / emotions / projections / imaginations, within this I see, realize and understand that once I notice, become aware of myself existing as energy, I have a decision, I am faced with a choice - will I stop myself as the mind and bring myself back to myself as the physical within/as breath, or will I allow myself to continue, to follow the mind's temptation, within believing I am defined by it, by the emotions / feelings, within believing that I cannot stop - who I am within this decision, how I chose to be is what defines me in every moment, and within realizing this choice I see how I am in fact creating myself within every decision I make, so wither to stand up in self honesty or to give up as the mind - is always up to me, thus, when and as I see myself facing the decision, the choice, of stopping myself as the mind possession, and bringing myself back here to the physical within breath, or following the mind within a self belief that I cannot be freed from it and within self interest as the pursue of happiness and good feelings - I chose myself as life
I realize that I have allowed the idea I have that I am incapable of stopping myself while in an energetic possession, as back chat come up of "but I don't know how to do it", "I cannot stop", "this depression is stronger than me", to prevent me from actually stopping, to prevent me from even trying, as allowing myself to give up and be submissive to the energetic experience, within this I realize that as long as I participate with this back chat, as accepting the idea that I cannot stand up from the energetic experience, I will never actually stand and continue proving to myself my idea of myself was correct, not realizing that this idea isn't based on physical facts but just on a mind manipulation to keep me enslaved and trapped within the energetic experience, on the other hand, I realize that if I do push myself through the point, as not allowing the back chat to direct me, and within this to stop my acceptance of the idea that I am incapable, and push myself to breathe and support myself through bringing myself back to the physical as jumping up and down and shaking my body, or massaging my hands, I will be able to step out of the possession, because I realize the energetic possession requires my attention and participation for it to exist within me as my experience, thus, when and as I see myself going into and accepting the back chat of not believing I can do it, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back to the physical body in any way that is possible within the context of the situation I am in, I chose to support myself and to stop myself from giving more power/energy to the possession and instead give myself the power through standing up from within it, proving to myself that I am the directive principle and I am not a puppet at the demand of the mind - I am here, I am life, I am not energy, I realize that the energy needs me for it to exist and I do not need the energy to be here as myself stable in breath
I realize that when I exist in an energetic possession I fear stopping it, I fear letting go of it because it is how I know myself, I have defined myself as it, within this I realize that this fear is a mind mechanism to keep me from standing up as life, I realize this fear is not valid because I am here through all the experiences, I have been here through all the possessions, I have been here to see them come and go and change - thus I am here is independent on the energy possession, and doesn't require it to exist as I am here, thus, when and as I experience myself resisting to stop the energetic possession within fear of letting go of it, I stop myself and breathe, I remind myself that I am here, I breathe, and stand up, within this, I commit myself to investigate the point of fear further, and each time the fear/back chat comes up I commit myself to investigate it within writing and forgive myself for all that I have seen within it as my acceptance and allowance, to make the point clear to me, so that I don't fall in it again
I realize that within the construct of giving up on myself, within the belief I cannot stop the energetic possession as I believe it is stronger than me, I realize that within this I am trying to take the easy way out within self interest while disregarding myself as life and the consequences of my actions, within this I realize that I have used giving up to distract myself from the problems that are here, that are evident in the physical reality, as taking the easy way out and not pushing myself with all I've got to change the current situation of reality as myself, as it is based in inequality and results in much pain and suffering for many beings that cannot practice the privilege of giving up because it would cost them their life, thus I realize that within giving up I am not only giving up on myself but am allowing myself to give up on the pain and suffering that others are experiencing because of the very construct of the system as it exists today, the same system that has given me so much as consumerism, that I can turn a deaf ear to the abuse because it doesn't concern me directly due to being the elite of this world, and thus allow myself to give up in self interest
I realize that the only reason I am giving up is because I can, because I don't experience the immediate consequences, because I have support within the system and thus am not in a physical survival mode, within this I realize that giving up is an elitist privilege, that only those with money can afford giving up, as a childish moment of not wanting to take self responsibility and wanting others, as slaves, to do the hard work for them while they momentarily give up to then after the small "brake from life" return as if nothing has happened and as if there are no consequences, within this I realize that by exercising my privilege of giving up I am dismissing and disregarding all those that cannot afford to give up because their life circumstances is based in physical survival and if they allow themselves to give up they will actually die/suffer, within this I realize that by giving up I am accepting the situation of the world as it is and am actually deriving benefit from it, as stating within myself that I don't care about any one and anything that is suffering in the world, all I care about is that "I don't feel like it" and thus allow myself to give up, within this I commit myself to become aware of points/situations/events where I find myself giving up and stop myself within and as breath, within realizing that giving up is not valid and is a vicious way out of taking self responsibility within what seams to be an innocent/naïve self belief of incompetency, but in fact is deliberate and cruel considering all in the world that can't stand up for themselves and are waiting for me to stand up for them within the world system as I stand up for myself within the mind
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Tuesday, November 13, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6
Day 86 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 7 - Self Forgiveness
Day 87 - Fear Dimension - Inferiority - Part 8
Day 88 - Fear dimension - Part 9 - self commitment
Day 89 - Fear dimension - Authority - Part 10
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and being directed by the fear of authority, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as the fear of authority through holding on to a past memory (as mentioned in the previous blog) and using it within interpretation to define myself as someone that fears authority, from here I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prove my self-definition to be right, through participating with this character of fear I have created as myself, and thus participate with fear of authority within believing the fear to be real
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being yelled at or being punished by an authority, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being in a position where someone has authority over me and accepting them as an authority, I fear them having power over me and thus can tell me what to do or punish me, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it's not the actuality/physicality of being yelled at of being told what to do that I fear, but rather the energetic experience that I connect to it, not realizing that this energetic experience is my own mind made creation and thus my responsibility to stop, regardless of if I am being yelled at / punished / told what to do, because I realize that this fear isn't about an actual physical abuse but rather within a power game as feeling inferior as a slave, as submitted to the authority of the master, thus I realize that as long as I participate with and accept the construct of authority, I am responsible for experiencing myself as less than, and thus, the only thing that must change within this is me and within that what I accept and allow, thus I commit myself to stop participation within/as the construct of authority, when and as I see myself accepting someone as having authority over me, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here, within facing the fear and realizing the lie of it, thus I breathe and communicate/participate within the situation within stability, pushing through the fear until I have proven to myself that I am the self directive principle and not the fear
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to question authority, but to take it for granted as part of the system, as accepting the fact/situation where some people have power over others and within their authority can harm/abuse/suppress/punish as they see fit within the acceptance of society/system, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within/as the construct of authority as I have given my power away to authority as I have allowed them to have power over me within my experience of/as myself, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand within/as equality, within realizing all are equal regardless of what role we play in society, and within this I have allowed myself to experience inferiority and as a result fear when confronted with an authority, merely because they were seen and accepted by me as an authority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of standing up to my teacher with tears in my eyes, within an energetic experience, as I interpret the memory within self diminishment as a point of weakness and thus have created a self definition for/as myself based on this memory of being weak in the face of authority, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see within this remembrance of the situation that there was also a point of standing up, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the memory within self interest of/as the mind, as manipulating the information into creating another layer/dimension of fear within me as a mind tactic to keep me enslaved. I have come to realize that any point of self diminishment as self belief as limitation/inferiority/fear is a mind created character keeping me from realizing myself as life, within the fight for survival of my ego as the characters I have spent my entire life to create and uphold, thus now, within realizing that all the personalities and characters I have believed to have defined me, have been and are all lie, I commit myself to stop myself from participating within/as them, and within this I commit myself to investigate all points/dimensions of fear that still exist within me, and to one by one, walk through them, through seeing the points of acceptance within writing, self forgiveness and through corrective statement to prepare myself for correction in physical application
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the authority construct within and as myself and within the world system, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the construct is real and valid and thus participate within it as allowing myself to respect/fear authority and on the other hand to accept myself as authority on others, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in power games, as proving to myself my self-value through competition, instead of letting go the authority construct and thus letting go the competition and simply allowing myself to be here as equals within self support and the support of others as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the pattern of fear of authority, and within that to, instead of allowing myself to express myself freely with all equally, to fear expressing myself in front of authority, and thus to accumulate reaction/back chat up to the point of compounded anger where I "explode" with emotions and lose control, and thus experience myself as weak in the eyes of the authority, not realizing that I have created this point of weakness through not standing within/as breath and expressing myself as equals, thus I see that within accepting authority I already accept myself as inferior and thus exist in fear and manifest the situation from the starting point of fear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak for not holding back the tears within the memory, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to due to my acceptance of the memory as valid I have believed I am weak in face of authority and thus have allowed myself to be directed by this fear and stop myself from approaching/talking to people I consider are an authority, thus not seeing them as equal within seeing myself as inferior to them, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the desire I have to feel powerful in front of authority is still within the limitation of the definition and acceptance of authority, and thus still within the polarity, the power game, and thus the energy. I commit myself to when I see myself defining someone as an authority I stop myself within breath, I realize that they are a human being, that eats and shits like me, and thus is equal me in all ways, I realize that as long as I am holding back and not expressing myself I am accepting their authority and thus creating myself as weak/inferior, I commit myself to approach / speak / ask the one I perceive to be an authority as I support myself within breath, to push through this self created fear and allow myself to express myself without limitation, within common sense, within realizing that in the system, as long as others accept the authority, as police for instance, I must play the game, but the point being to stop participation within the energy that I have attached to it, within realizing it's an act we are playing until we change the system into a system that supports equality, and end the era of authority/suppression/intimidation within the power games accepted within the construct of authority
I commit myself to show that the construct of authority is abusive by nature as it allow some to have power and control over others, within society at large and the family construct at small, I commit myself to show that effective communication within self honesty doesn't require authority to keep order, and that through educating ourselves of the actual reality we exist as within understanding the responsibilities of taking care of this earth/nature to create a world that is enjoyable for all and not just for the 1%, we don't have to have authority because we can each be an authority onto ourselves within self honesty as we realize what needs to be done, we take self responsibility and all as equals, work together to clean up the mess that we created, and together create heaven on hearth where all are equal and communicate within a starting point of support and not of power and control
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Friday, November 9, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Day 83 - Fear Dimension - Being Wrong - Part 4
Day 84 - Fear Dimension - Being Judged - Part 5
Day 85 - Fear Dimension - specialness - Part 6
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire being special, within believing that only through being special will I deserve the right for being accepted / loved / appreciated, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that one needs to do something or be someone special in order to have the right to live in dignity and honor, not realizing that within this belief I am allowing and justifying abuse through disregarding beings due to them not being special, as not good / interesting / smart enough to earn their right to live peacefully
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I must do/be something special within the starting point of survival within the belief that I need to be accepted / loved / appreciated by others to survive in this world and live a life of content, not realizing that that within the principle of equality and oneness all have the basic right to live with dignity/respect/support and it is within this belief that I allow the current system to continue as it is within creating competition as to who is most special to be granted the right for happiness, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the desire to be appreciated / loved / accepted by others is indicating to me that I am not accepting myself, and within that indicating that I am in fact living as separation from/as myself, and thus it is not about being special, to survive through the acceptance of others within separating from myself, but rather about accepting myself within self honesty to be one with myself to be then able to change myself within the principle of equality as what is best for all, to create a world that no one needs/requires to be special in any way to survive and live a dignified life, and within not having to be special within a starting point of survival to be able to actually live as self expression as our individuality and allow ourselves explore/enjoy life as life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ordinary within the idea I have attached to being ordinary as not good enough, not special, not worthy, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept the concept of equality within fear of being like every body else, not realizing that I have attached an idea I have created in my mind, trying to interpret equality through the eyes of the mind, and within that exist in fear of equality due to the fear of not being special / unique, thus I realize that any fear I hold towards equality within the fear of being ordinary is a result of my mind's interpretation within fear, not allowing myself to realize myself as life and to see the vast possibilities of self expression when one doesn't live in fear of survival within putting on personalities of specialness, which are in fact all lies, in order to get along in society, based on the starting point of not actually accepting oneself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/resist/react to being corrected due to the fear of letting go of my personality of being special, and within that to have people see that I am not as special they might have thought I was, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other people's bubble of me burst, not seeing that I have been living a lie within letting/allowing others to see me through a veil of personalities/characters, and thus have never allowed myself to actually live as self expression as who I am, within the initial starting point of separation, thus I commit myself to walking the process of self intimacy within self honesty, to know myself and accept myself and become one and equal within/as myself, to let go the desire of being special, within creating personalities to deceive those around me, and instead to live as myself in dignity, and will/push myself to change in any point I see need direction within a starting point of being/becoming living example of equality as what is best for all, within realizing that it starts with self as self acceptance within equality and oneness within/as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as special within a self created personality, within using it as a form of manipulation to impress others and get things done my way, while at the same time believing myself to be more than others due to believing my self created specialness, and thus more deserving of having my self interest satisfied, while disregarding all around me within considering their interests as what is best for all within equality as the interest that serve and support all, as I have defined myself as special, more important and thus more deserving to have my desires met, within this
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and justify the concept of specialness, and within that positively reinforcing children through telling them they are so special, within that creating the connection between being accepted and the necessity of being special, within that creating fear of losing that specialness, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the very construct of specialness is based in fear, and is not supportive of life one bit, within creating the desire and dependency on being seen as special, creating the expectation of being special, creating the attraction to those that we perceive are special, creating competition and much much more, all in the name of separation, of not actually knowing who we are as life, not accepting ourselves,
I commit myself to show that the teaching/programming of children of the concept of specialness is abusive and disregards all life as equals, as it creates a condition of being special as a necessity for a substantial fulfilled life, within this I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into the energy of desire of being special, and bring myself back here in awareness of equality as all life is here and does not need to be special, all is what it is, and any form of specialness would be a result of judgment as separation
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Tuesday, November 6, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
Day 82 – Fear Dimension –Failure - self forgiveness - Part 3
Within investigating the fear dimension of the character " I don't like being corrected / told what to do", I will now open up the point of the fear of being wrong
Why do I fear being wrong? What does it mean to me? What does being right mean to me? Why is it so important?
As I walk through out my day I carry around with me a baggage of knowledge and information which I have defined as valuable, as it creates my outlook of life, and in every chance I get, I bring out some "smart" remark to share with the company present. Some of these points I share I have not investigated so it's more hearsay, as something that I heard from someone, somewhere, and it stuck in my memory. In other situations I might have read it somewhere (which makes it seam more valid) but either way in most cases I haven't actually investigated the point for myself, and I basically just blurt it out as a knowing, as a fact, as a valid truth.
Why do I do it? For many reasons: to sound smart, interesting, knowledgeable, superior, a valuable part of the conversation - all stem from the main reason of the desire to be accepted, approved, loved, appreciated.
Many times I am challenged on what I say, as the information I bring into the conversation, as those around me may ask questions or have something to say that make what I said seam less valid/true, and in extreme cases it can go into argument where the other has a different idea/opinion/belief as they hold onto different information as valid, and now we are both holding on to our statement/truth and arguing about who is right/wrong - and I hate being wrong.
So, why do I fear being wrong? What is my reaction towards it? Well, for starters, it forces me to face the fact that I just say things that I cannot stand by, that I have not investigated, that can be undermined, that are not as true as I stated them to be - which brings up another interesting question as why do I say things I am not certain of… as I've written above, I do it to seam smart, interesting… so I'm putting on a show, an act, I'm living as a character in a play, trying to be something that I believe myself not to be. I react because I want to believe myself to be the character I have created myself as, I don't want my act to be exposed, not to others and not to myself, I will fight/argue to hold on to my opinion/idea/statement to prove myself right, as I am fighting for the survival of myself as the character. And again, I have created this character as myself to cover up the actuality of my beingness which is to believe that I am not all that, not smart, interesting, valuable…
So in essence, the fear of being wrong is the fear of losing myself as the character/personality I have created myself as, within the fear that if I lose this character the actuality of my beingness will be exposed, and since I have not walked myself into self acceptance/love I resent, I do not accept myself, and that is why I hide from myself through creating characters to survive through/as.
When I am being corrected, this point is triggered, as someone is showing me that that which I present myself as is false. I can react in two ways, I either go into ego as superior and attack with blame and spitefulness, or I would go to self diminshment and feel sorry for myself, in both cases I am actually acting out from a starting point of not accepting myself unconditionally, because if I would have I wouldn't need to validate myself through presenting knowledge, I wouldn't need to be validated through other's appreciation and approval.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being wrong, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as who I am according to wither I am wrong or right, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap my own existence within the polarity of wrong/right, moving back and forth desiring the one and fearing the other, living within a constant state of energy through my own acceptance and creation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on knowledge and information instead of valuing life as what is practically here as the physical, not as an idea/opinion in my mind which is not and cannot be lived but only talked about as a way to create myself as a character to be accepted/approved/loved/appreciated within the starting point of not accepting/loving/appreciating myself for how I am as life, due to not allowing myself to self honestly know/be myself as life because I have blinded myself and forgotten myself within the constant participation within the mind as characters/personalities
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my knowledge and information to be true, as the truth, without having investigated it for myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the specific information that validates me within the created characters I have existed as and thus use information to build my character up in complete disregard of the actual truth of me and of the physical reality, but done from a starting point of self interest to make me more than, more powerful, more interesting, more smart, and within that to accumulate knowledge as points of power, that then when these points are challenged I go into the other side of the polarity as being exposed as less than, less smart, less interesting, less powerful, and thus have allowed myself to exist in the energy polarity of right/wrong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I must impress those around me with interesting knowledge and information as to buy their acceptance, instead of allowing myself to accept myself, through gifting myself with the gift of forgiveness, as I forgive myself for separating me from myself, as I forgive myself for allowing myself to exist as energy instead of living here as breath, one and equal to/as/within myself, within/as the physical, as one and equal as life, I forgive myself for diminishing myself and limiting myself to exist as the mind instead of allowing myself to exist as breath, here as life, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as an idea, as a dream, instead of allowing myself to wake up and actually live as myself, within/as breath, as what is real as the physical body in this physical reality.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have been reacting to other people's comments/questions/challenges because I have not accepted myself, and thus have been seeking this acceptance else where, from an external source, instead of giving myself to myself within self honesty as this is who I am, and only through accepting myself and embracing myself for every part of me, can I then start to change myself within self direction and become that which I would want to pass on to my children, to become a being that supports all life within equality, a being that can be trusted, thus how can I trust myself if I don't accept myself and thus believe I have to justify everything I do because I know in my core that what I do is unacceptable, but here is the catch, I must accept myself as who I am within all that is unacceptable, to be able to forgive myself, to be able to change as what is best for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto knowledge and information as a point of self validation, as it gives me power, as knowledge is power, instead of finding this power within/as myself through being self honest in every breath, through knowing/facing who I am within every moment, to not be dependent on anything outside of me as information to validate me, but to live breath by breath, here, and to validate myself by the fact that I am here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of being wrong, and within that, instead of seeing the point of the polarity that is fucking with me, to build up on top of the knowledge more layers of manipulation as I argue and fight in the name of my truths, instead of humbly quieting down within breath, and returning back here to my physical body, letting go of the energetic build up, and allowing myself to be here, within the understanding that being right/wrong doesn't define me, because it is based on the lie of the mind, it is based in energy, it is based in polarity, and thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to be directed in this physical reality by that which is an illusion, and thus allow the illusion to influence/control direct me within/as the physical reality, where I realize that the illusion is based on self interest/survival and thus manifests a reality, through my physical actions, as I participate within/as the illusion, that creates hell on earth as what we see around us today
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as characters/personalities, and within believing myself to be these characters/personalities I have created myself as, I allow myself to exist in constant fear of losing myself, not realizing that I cannot lose myself here in breath, because I am here in breath, I can only lose myself in the mind, as accepting myself as less than myself as life itself, but believing I am the limited and self created characters that are in fact programed and have no free choice, but are directed through fuzzy logic as each character knows how to behave in every given situation, beased on past memories, and thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to go into negative energetic reactions within fear of losing myself as the characters of the mind, instead of doing everything in my power to rid myself from these characters as they diminish the living force which is who I am as life, and diminish me to exist as a lie, as an act, as fake, as a character, as a scripted, lifeless character
Monday, October 15, 2012
continue from my previous blogs:
Day 59 - Redefining friendship
Day 60 - friendship - Part 2 - Care and Support
I like to think of myself as a good, caring and supportive friend, why? Because I want to feel good about myself and I want to maintain the friendship, Why? Why do I want friendships? What am I getting out of it?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the character of a caring and supportive friends, within that not actually caring and not actually giving support, but just acting the character as I have learnt from society as how a "good" friend should act
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a caring friend when I experience myself caring for my friends, within that not considering that I have limited myself within the definition of the friendship construct and thus have trapped myself in the character of being a caring friend without actually having the free choice to care because I have already a defined myself as a caring friend, and thus did not actually care but only play a role
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my friends to care for me and within the expectation to judge them according to the idea I have as what is the caring character, and thus if they do not match my expectation I use emotional manipulation on them to show them they have done me wrong, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit and restrict my friends into a specific expression that I have created as an idea in my mind, and within that allowing them to limit and restrict me according to their idea of the caring character, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing such limitations and restriction to exist in the name of friendship because I fear being alone and believe I will be nothing without friends, thus I allow myself to play the game of being a caring friend in order to maintain the friendship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have been supporting my friends within the definition of what a supportive friend is, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to support my friends in fact as who they are as life, but instead to have supported their character of the mind, within allowing them to maintain their character as to justify my own characters, and thus within our friendship instead of actually giving support to each other as life, we have been supporting each other's characters as the mind, as justifying and accepting all sorts of abusive shit to continue wither gossip, tantrum, emotional breakdown etc.… within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually support my friends as life within fear of conflict, because I know that the agreement we have as friends, that has been lived out throughout our friendship, as an agreement between characters, and thus to actually give living support would mean to stop supporting the character and instead exposing the deceptions as to allow the friend to face themselves within self honesty, within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept less than who my friends really are, as allowing them to maintain their characters, in the starting point of self interest as to not risk losing them as I have accepted myself as dependent on them as being my friends, and thus within fear of losing them I compromise themselves as life and not actually support them but maintain everything as we have always been, not allowing myself to change, and not allowing them to change
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am a good friends, but I haven’t allowed myself to see the reality of self interest hiding behind the act of the good friends character, as the fear of being alone within a self belief that I must have my friends to be/feel strong and accepted, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself within the self acceptance of self diminishment as I have allowed myself to exist within a friendship construct that compromise myself and them, just for the sake of staying together as friends, not realizing the abuse I have been allowing within this, as depriving myself and them the opportunity to self realize within self honesty
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to play out the character of being a caring and supportive friend instead of giving myself and them as myself the opportunity to change through actually supporting myself and them as myself within not accepting and allowing either of us to be anything less than who we actually are as life, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue with the friendship and the expression of care and support as we have agreed on years ago, and not allowed myself to actually care for them as life and actually support them as an actual friend, within this I realize that the construct of friend isn't really about care and support but in fact is about supporting each other as the character as the personality we have accepted as ourselves, and within that have agreed to use the friendship as a form of justification as a form of extra strength to stand within our character with someone by our side justifying to us everything that we are and have accepted as ourselves, instead of acting within actual compassion to who we are as life and supporting each other to stop this game of characters only designed to create friction and conflict within our worlds, only to generate more and more energy to deplete the physical to allow the mind to survive another day at the expense of ourselves as life as the physical
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care for my friends because I know them but not care for the rest of humanity and existence as a whole because I am safe within my friendships and know I will be taken care of, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the word care and not actually live it as the living word, as caring as the living word would be actually caring for life as all life as one and equal, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend I care as a social accepted construct, instead of actually facing myself as the self interest that I have allowed myself to exist as, within only caring about myself as my personalities and characters that I do not want to lose as I have defined them as myself, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a bond with some friends that we agree to care about each other in order to not trouble ourselves with the rest of the world because we are taken care of, we are not forsaken and alone, we have our friends, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the word friend, and believe it to be a nice/good/kind word, not realizing that it is due to the construct of friendships and the support/security we believe we get from it, is the reason why we don't care for the rest of humanity and existence as a whole
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the actual evil that exist within/as the construct of friendship within the caring/supportive character, because I have not allowed myself to see that within the friendship construct lay the allowance of all the atrocities to continue in the world because they are not my friends and thus I don't need to care for them, let me just care for my friends and that all I can do, no, this is unacceptable, all are equal here on earth and equally deserve and are worthy of care and support and thus by giving such care and support only to the few that I have allowed as my friends is giving permission for the rest of them to not get the care and support they require to live a dignified and fulfilled life
Within this I commit myself to stop myself as the caring and supportive character, and to within breathing and applying self forgiveness, within stopping myself as separation of the mind, to learn a=how to actually care and how to actually support within not allowing anything less than who I am as life, and who my friends are as life and who anyone is as life, I realize we are all equal and one, and thus I commit myself to through walking a process of opening up all point of deception within myself, point where I participate deliberately within separation, to stop myself as such, and to start caring for all as one, and support all as life, and stop supporting myself and my "friends" as the characters we have allowed ourselves to be and become and to justify our characters through our acceptance and allowance within the circle of friends, but instead to start a new agreement, one that supports life
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Friday, October 12, 2012
continue from previous blogs:
Day 51 - Blame character – Part 1
Day 52 - Blame character - Part 2 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Forgiveness
Day 53 - Blame character - Part 3 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Commitments
Day 54 - Blame Character - Part 4 - Being Repeatedly Attacked – Self Forgiveness
Day 55 - Blame Character - Part 5 - Being Repeatedly Attacked - Self Commitments
Day 56 - Blame Character - Part 6 – Enslaving Myself
Day 57 - Blame Character - Part 7 - Society's Value System - Self Forgiveness
I commit myself to stop myself within breath and ring myself back here to the physical body, when/as I see myself participating within the desire to be seen in a specific way, as I have realized that it is within participation and acceptance of the social value system, and I commit myself to stop myself from participating within it, instead I commit myself to stand as life, and support myself as life, and all life as one and equal, not allowing any value system to separate and define that which is unconditionally life
I commit myself to stop myself within the desire to be seen in a specific light as good/caring and so on, and instead to dedicate myself to actual physical change, to actually being and living that which is worthy, that which supports all life, and not to settle for anything less than that, as an ideal picture that doesn't not value life but is what it is, a one dimensional picture, because I realize that is self compromise and within it compromising all life as a whole
I commit myself stop defining myself in comparison to an ideal I have accepted through what I learnt from society, and to instead allow myself to see myself as who I actually am, as who I have created myself as, and to then change myself step by step through writing, self forgiveness, and corrective statements, because I have realized that only through specific investigation of how I have created myself, and through taking responsibility for who I am within/through writing self forgiveness, can I change myself as what is best for all within supporting myself as LIFE and not as a picture presentation idea as the ideal I have desired myself to be
I commit myself to expose and show society's value system as the abusive/separating system that it is, for accepting and allowing to define and separate those that have the skills/characters defined by society as worthy and those that don't, within this I commit myself to show through recreating myself as the living example, that for a society to thrive we do not require a value system based in separation, but rather to live within self honesty as what is best for all, and allow/appreciate self expression in any/all forms, not defined as good/bad by a value system, but only within the consideration of what is best for all within self honesty
I commit myself to stop myself from participating within/as separation through accepting society's value system as defining people as worthy or not depending on their skills and characters, within this, I commit myself to stop myself as the judgment that I have allowed myself to exist as, and thus to investigate all points of judgment within myself that I have accepted as myself due to my acceptance and participation within society's value system
I commit myself to stop myself from participating within judgment/separation towards myself and towards others, because I have realized that judging people as worthy or not worthy based on society's value system doesn't take into consideration that we, as society, haven't allowed all to have the effective tools required to live a dignified/fulfilled life, and thus by not allowing all beings equal education/financial security/health care, we are creating a platform where there will always be those that are judged as unworthy so that we, the elite, can define ourselves as worthy in relation to them and based on the value system that we have created, and feel "good" about ourselves, within this I realize that all society's value system is in fact a function of the elite, used to separate themselves from the rest, the inferior, the unworthy, and through this value system to define themselves as worthy and thus justify the fact that so many people are living an unworthy/undignified life, and yet we do nothing about it because it is justified through our value system
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself going into fear of not being accepted by society, because I realize that by fear of not being accepted I am in fact agreeing and participating with society's value system, and thus since I have realized that society's value system is a scam made to create separation and to justify inequality I stop myself from participating within it, I commit myself to through writing, self forgiveness, and corrective statements, to free myself from society's value system and create myself as w worthy living being that actually supports all life equality and does not accept any form of separation, within and without
I commit myself to use the fear of judgment as a gift, to able myself to see all points of judgment within me that I have accepted as myself, and through allowing myself to see/face myself as the fear of judgment to clear myself one point at a time from all accepted/allowed judgment, until I am here, clear of all judgment and free from fear, within this I commit myself to investigate any/all points of reaction within me in relation to fear of judgment/self judgment/judging others within accepting society's value system as a guide line, and within this I commit myself to stop myself from participating in society's value system, and to direct myself as what is best for all equally, within/as breath
I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath when I see myself judging others as not worthy based on society's value system I have accepted as my own and have been participating with, I commit myself to when/as I see myself fall into judging others I stop and breath, I realize that any judgment I project onto others is a reflection/projection of my own fear of being judged within the point that I am busy with judging, and thus I commit myself to investigate the points of self judgment and to free myself through self forgiveness and accept myself and all equally as life
I commit myself to stop myself from acting within the limitation of society's value system and to allow myself to express myself unconditionally without fear, I realize this will take a process to walk through, thus I commit myself to when I see myself resisting from expressing myself unconditionally to investigate the point until I stand as myself in every breath, stable, here
I commit myself to walking a process of self acceptance, within stopping all self judgment, through writing, self forgiveness, and corrective statement, and through the realization that all participation within/as self judgment is limiting me from actually living, from being here within/as the physical, within/as breath, and this must stop, thus I commit myself to stop, and stand up as self acceptance, as life, within this I commit myself to stop myself from the dependency towards society that I have created as myself and to will myself to walk alone, stable here, within breath, through building self trust and self intimacy, to realize that all I require to accept me is me.
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Thursday, October 11, 2012
continue from previous blogs:
Day 51 - Blame character – Part 1
Day 52 - Blame character - Part 2 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Forgiveness
Day 53 - Blame character - Part 3 - Reacting to Tonality - Self Commitments
Day 54 - Blame Character - Part 4 - Being Repeatedly Attacked – Self Forgiveness
Day 55 - Blame Character - Part 5 - Being Repeatedly Attacked - Self Commitments
Day 56 - Blame Character - Part 6 – Enslaving Myself
and another related blog: Day 26 - Wanting to be accepted
Through out this point of looking at the Blame Character, I recognize that I have a desire to be seen in a specific "light", while within the point of experiencing myself as I'm being attacked I feel like I am not seen as I desire to be seen and there is a fear within that as to how others will see me as
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen in a specific light so to speak, to be seen as a good/caring/intelligent/funny/interesting person, within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place more value/attention/effort towards how people see me rather than actually living as the ideal that I want to be seen as
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on an ideal that I have created in my mind, not realizing that this ideal I desire to be has been programmed into me as the society's value system, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate the implications of participating/allowing such values to direct me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by society's value system as the desire to seen as a good/caring/intelligent/funny/interesting person, and I have not realized that within that I am defining those with these characters as more valuable/worthy than those without, and within that I am allowing myself and society as myself to be the judge all mighty, deciding who is worthy of the title of being a good/caring/intelligent/funny/interesting person and who isn't, and thus to deem them as unworthy of social appreciation and thus support, in other words banning/excluding them from society, which in turn translates into the ability to survive
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that by allowing myself to judge myself and others based on society's value system that I have accepted as my own, I am giving permission to separation within forming a defining line between those that make it and those that don't, and within accepting such a line to exist as an outflow of society's value system, I have allowed myself to exist in fear of being on the "wrong side if the line" and to as a result not receive social appreciation and support, within this I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding the implication of such a line as separating between those with the "right" social skills and those without, as a life or death sentence, where those who do not hold these skills are pushed aside from society and are disregarded and ignored, and thus do not have an equal chance to have a fulfilled and dignified life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged by others, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself without judgment and thus fear the judgment of others because I have made others the judge of me as they have the eyes to see if I am worthy to be accepted or not, and thus when I perceive my place in society is threatened through a remark/comment stating I am not aligned with society's values I react in anger and blame because I fear being disregarded and ignored as I have disregarded and ignored those that I have judged as unworthy, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard and ignore others that don't fit my value system that I have accepted from society, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the immense abuse and harm created by a value system that is based on judgment and separation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in fear of being seen as one of those that is judge as unworthy for social appreciation and within that to create myself as an act, to be sure that I follow the social value system and appear to be what I perceive society expects of me to be, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out at people that see/judge me as anything other than how I desire to be seen, as a good/caring/intelligent/funny/interesting person, and to then react within fear of being an outcast of society for not standing in the standard society has created and I have accepted to be valid, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself the fear of being an outcast and instead transform and project it onto the other in a form of blame, as I blame them for seeing through the act that I put on, and thus as I am threatened by them for blowing my cover, I attack them with blame, while experiencing it as they have attacked me by defining me as that which is unacceptable by society, within that hiding from myself all the layer of who I am as fear/judgment/blame so that I can go on believing that I am a good/caring/intelligent/funny/interesting person while all along I have manipulated myself and all those around within the situation by putting on this act just to be accepted by society, and not allowing me to live as myself within self expression as I fear revealing myself for who I really am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on society's acceptance within a belief that I must be accepted to survive, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that experiencing myself as accepted, must start with self acceptance, and thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as who I am without judgment because I have already accepted the value system of society and within that have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through judgment as unworthy and thus must hide myself within acting as a character that society will approve, not realizing that this is all due to my acceptance of society's value system, thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of society's value system and to actually get to know myself for who I actually am, without judgment, and within knowing myself to be able to take responsibility for who I am and change myself, not as society's value system, as it is based on polarity and creates separation and abuse, but on common sense within what is best for all through honoring myself as life, and respecting all life
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take on society's value system as my own value system, while not allowing myself to investigate all points and outflows of such a value system, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the abuse within the separation that society create through it's value system, as well as the abuse I create within accepting the value system of society as my own, through defining people as better/worse depending on their expression and skills
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