Showing posts with label self awareness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self awareness. Show all posts
Monday, April 1, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blogs:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
Day 179 – I want to but I don’t want to
Day 180 – Building a Bridge
Day 181 – Self Belief “I am not Dedicated”
Day 182 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self forgiveness
Day 183 - Self Belief - “I am not Dedicated” - Self Commitments
Day 184 – Self Belief – “I am not Dedicated” – Further Investigation
a must hear - Why do we not access our full potential? Why do we hold ourselves back?:
“I commit myself to ask myself direct questions when and as I see myself not standing as my decision, as not acting in alignment with my directive decision, and so, when and as I see myself contradicting myself, I stop myself and breathe, I ask myself why am I sabotaging myself, and I don’t move / participate with anything until I give myself a clear answer in self honesty, and so, I commit myself to push myself to not let myself off the hook, so to speak, and to actually investigate / interrogate myself within the self honest intention of understanding why, at this very moment, I am prepared to sabotage myself through acting in contradiction to my directive decision. And within this, I commit myself to walk myself hand in hand, back here, into alignment with my directive decision, aligned with common sense, aligned with self support, I commit myself to be gentle with myself yet firm and directive, I commit myself to parent myself into self alignment, and treat myself as an innocent child with compassion and care, yet to be strict with myself and push for self discipline.”
I realize that when asking myself in self honesty why am I not acting in alignment to my directive decision – there is most likely not going to be a valid answer, as all answers will probably be excuses and justifications based on self beliefs, ideas and fears, or based on desires and self interest – either way, any excuse for why am I not standing equal to the directive decision I had made, will be based in energy, and thus, as I ask myself I will be faced with a choice – will I follow the path of energy, or will I stand up for myself as life as the physical?
Taking this moment to stop and breath, and ask myself in self honesty why am I acting in contradiction to myself, is the opportunity I give myself to change the course of my action and make a decision in that moment to support myself - and so, stopping and asking myself, is actually opening a window of self awareness, which once is open I am fully responsible for my decision and action from the point on, as I have opened my own eyes in asking myself the question, I woke myself up so to speak, and now I must direct myself to stop the self sabotage patterns within having realized how destructive they are, and to stand up within myself, to allow myself to empower myself within standing as and acting in alignment to my directive decision.
I realize that part of my process is to start becoming aware of what I am doing, as I’ve noticed that so many moments throughout the day go by and I wasn’t here, moments where I am awake but am sleeping, sleep walking my life away, it’s like there is a moment where I make the decision to allow myself to lose myself in my mind, and from that moment I lose myself as I become a zombie, until something happens, and a spark of awareness comes in through the mist, and then I am faced with the next moment of decision – what now? More mind illusions or standing up?
I find that in many cases, when this moment comes and I have the opportunity to “snap out of it” I make an aware decision to stay in the mind’s illusion, i experience like there is a pull, a magnetic force, pulling me back into the mind’s illusion, drawing me into the application of abdicating my responsibility, of procrastinating what needs to be done, of sabotaging myself as the directive decision I am intending to walk, and so basically standing in contradiction to my directive decision, and as such, in contradiction to myself – it seems like the more I spend time away from myself, and in the mind in separation of myself, as the what is here as the physical, the weaker I get, and the stronger the magnetic pull is, and so the next moment when I “wake up” and am faced with the choice I am more likely to fall back into the mind – this is the moment of transformation, of self change, where I must find it within myself to stand up against the pull and resist it, as to not allow myself to be pulled back in to the self destructive and self sabotaging patterns and behaviors but instead to stand as self support / care / honor / respect – this is where asking myself why am I doing this can be supportive – because the longer I stand “outside” of the mind while asking myself a self directive question, here in awareness, here as myself as the physical, the weaker the pull of the mind is and the more chance I have to act I alignment with myself as my directive decision and not be directed by the mind’s pull so easily and automatically.
a must hear:
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Sunday, January 13, 2013
this blog follows the previous blog, i invite you to read it as well
I realize that holding on to my opinion in an argument causes inner and external conflict and does not stand within the principle of equality and oneness, as the reason for me to hold on in energy to my opinion is within self interest within the desire to be right, I realize that within holding on to my opinion I am not allowing myself to be open and actually listen to what is being said by others and thus am limiting myself from expanding and learning from others and preventing from myself and the rest in the situation to perfect the solution as a combined effort of all involved, within this I commit myself to, when and as I see myself holding on to my opinion, I stop myself and breathe, I allow myself to listen to what is being said and instead of repeating my opinion within the desire to convince, I rather ask questions to actually genuinely try to understand what others are saying in order to come to an agreement that is actually best for all in common sense and not just to fight for my opinion in self interest
I realize that by not actually saying what I have to say within trying to avoid an argument, I am actually creating miscommunication as I am not allowing myself to be clear and direct due to fear of conflict within the idea that arguments/conflicts are bad, I realize that it's not about arguments being good or bad, it's about who I am within them, and thus, if I fight for my opinion the argument will become a war zone, but if I am here in stability and stating directly what I want to say, and there is disagreement and an argument, then that is fine, as we learn to perfect our communication each in their own process, but until then, argument will be part of allowing one self to express oneself regardless of people disagreeing, as this is a point of standing up, not within energy as the desire to be right, but within self honesty as allowing free self expression. Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself from expressing myself within fear of conflict and disagreement, I realize the fear is based on being shut down by others but what I have been doing is shutting myself down, and thus, I commit myself to, when and as I see myself stopping myself from expressing myself from fear of conflict / disagreement, I breathe and stop the back chat of fear, I check myself to see that I am not reacting, and allow myself to speak up, as I realize that only by actually physically walking through the fear of conflict will I be able to prove to myself that I am over it and can stand stable and direct myself and not be directed by fear and thus not allow fear dictate who I am within a conversation
I realize that by suppressing myself from actually saying what it is I have to say I am creating unnecessary back chat within me and inner conflict as I keep repeating in my mind what I could have and should have said but didn't, thus I realize that within the principle of prevention as the best cure, it would be most supportive to actually say what I have to say and trust myself to stand in the face of any disagreement if it comes up, within this I see that I fear disagreement as I take it personally, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take disagreement personally within believing that it's not my statement that is rejected but me, I commit myself to support myself through speaking up and if disagreement come up I commit myself to breathe and not allow myself to go into the mind within reaction as back chat, within this, I commit myself to stay silent when and as I see myself going into reaction because I see, realize and understand that speaking from within energetic reaction causes conflict and consequences, so better to sort it out with myself, as to walk the self forgiveness in regards my reaction, and bring up the point if and when I see fit when I trust myself to be clear, and not react in taking it personally if / when a disagreement come up
I realize that by allowing myself to be directed by the fear of conflict I am actually creating conflict in my life, thus, when and as I see myself keeping quiet or manipulating my words within fear of conflict, I commit myself to take a few deep breaths, and push myself to walk through the fear, because I realize that only through pushing myself to walk through the fear within self direction will I build self trust and in time, within the accumulation effect, I will rid myself from the fear of conflict because I have proven to myself that I can stand within it, and thus, I realize that only by walking through the fear in actual physicality will I be able to transcend the point of fear that I have allowed to direct me, and stand in stability and self trust as what is best for all
I realize that other people may be holing on to their opinions within energy, thus, when and as I see myself facing a being that is holding on to their opinion, I make sure I don't participate as not allowing myself to try to convince within wanting to prove my point, thus, when and as I am faced with a being that is holding on to their opinion and is closed off from listening to any common sense, I make sure I am here in stability and breathing, I say what I have to say, but do not engage in an argument as it would be counter productive and only ignite more energy and can become nasty, thus in such situations I remove myself from the argument / discussion as I have nothing to prove and will not allow myself to go into the same state of mind as fighting for my opinion, thus, when and as I see someone else holding on to their opinion, I take it as an opportunity to check myself and make sure I am standing here, in breath, in stability, and can in any moment leave the conversation within going into energy of lose, as that would indicate that I was as well holding onto my desire to be right, and if so, I commit myself to walk the self forgiveness and invite the next situation to correct myself within in the physical, within this, I see the pattern within myself as going into superiority for being the stable one, and for the other to be in reaction, thus, when and as I see myself going into such an experience, I stop myself and breathe, I allow myself to be humble as this being has allowed myself to see another piece of my own puzzle that I might have missed if it wasn't due to their reaction, thus I commit myself to stop any superiority and integrate an expression of gratefulness towards them and towards myself for allowing myself to see the reaction as superiority coming up within me.
I realize this construct of opinion, conflict and arguments has many layers that are intertwined, and I see within me the pattern of becoming overwhelmed within creating ideas that I should have stopped already holding on to opinions before I can speak up, but I realize this is a mind manipulation, I realize that I will speak from energy as holding on to opinions in order to actually speak up and push through the fear of conflict, I realize I will make many mistakes along the way as I realize this is a process, and I will not magically change over night, as I have created myself as all these constructs over many years, and it will take many years for me to repeat the correction over and over until I have integrated it as myself, thus, I commit myself to not allow the mind to distract me from walking this point through presenting all the things I am doing wrong and have not yet transcended, because I realize that I must make these mistakes in order for me to stand up from them and correct myself accordingly - thus, I embrace any mistake I make as a gift of showing me another piece of the puzzle of myself, to piece by piece put myself back together again to become one and equal within and as myself, and through knowing myself, through allowing myself to make many mistakes within this process, I will empower myself and build self trust, self respect, and become self directive, as I realize that only through learning myself in self honesty and correcting myself, mistake after mistake, will I be sure to never again make the same mistake.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I fear conflict and thus do not allow myself to state what I have to say there is self dishonesty within it, as there is a point of self interest within my holding onto my opinion that I have not allowed myself to see, within this I realize that I have been hiding the point of self interest from myself and especially from others, as to seem nice and considerate, and to do so I have allowed myself to manipulate my words to seem like a win-win solution when in fact I have my self interest in mind, thus, when and as I see myself manipulating my world to seem more nice, I stop myself immediately and breathe, I realize I am hiding self interest other wise I would have allowed myself to speak directly, thus I see that going around and about the point I want to say indicates hidden self interest, and due to lack of effective communication causes conflict and friction, within this I commit myself to when and as I see myself going around the point, to stop myself and breathe, to investigate there and then what is the self interest I am hiding, and to allow myself to let it go and align myself with that which is best for all, within this
I realize that I might not be able to let it go there and then without further self investigation as writing and self forgiveness, and thus, in such situations, I commit myself to stop myself and breathe, and to express to the other being what I am really trying to achieve, within this realizing that I am not doing so within the starting point of actually getting it, but rather from a starting point of clearing the air, to be able to continue the conversation as I realize that when I am within energy and speaking to another I am influencing them, and thus am responsible for the reaction within and as them, within this I realize that once I see my self interest, sharing it with the other being, if appropriate, can support them to release the energy that might have been building up, and so we can start a fresh page in communication.
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Thursday, November 29, 2012
What's interesting about working with horses is that they are a mirror to self, what this means is that they adjust themselves according to the person that is working with them, and will show them their weaknesses through "taking advantage" of their weak points of application, thus allow the person working with them to face themselves as their points of weakness - this is what happened to me today.
I've been walking Fat (he's a big horse) in the past few weeks, and have been learning learn a lot about how to direct him, he is a very well trained horse so it's been quite easy, but even though he is trained and knows exactly what he needs to do, he still will mirror me and perform according to how effective I am with him, thus, if I am exhibiting a specific pattern, he will tap on to it and act accordingly to expose it to me.
So he started with walking too close to me, and I allowed it, then he started to cut corners too close to me, and walk faster than me, and then he stepped on my foot, twice. I have not been affective in setting his boundaries, well actually, setting my boundaries as a wall between us that he should not pass, so essentially I have been allowing him to walk all over me and he, as my mirror, has been doing exactly that, thus allowing me to see that I have not been effective, have not been clear and direct, have not been consistent and basically have being expressing myself as a wimp.
How I experience myself, as I walk him, and want him to do something, is like a form of shyness, I don't feel comfortable being clear and direct, I don't feel comfortable with making big hand movements, I don't feel comfortable with making extreme gesture, I've been expressing myself as weak, like I'm asking him to please, and just if he's ok with it, do me a favor by slowing down or not stepping on me, I've not been allowing myself to be assertive, yes, this is the word I've been looking for - Assertiveness.
I see there is a polarity within myself as I have connected being assertive to being aggressive and within defining myself as a "nice person" I have been resisting assertiveness, not allowing myself to express myself with assertiveness. So, what I've been doing is that I try to get him to do what I ask, but I'm trying to be nice about it, because I don't want to be aggressive, within this there is a fear of hurting him, or even worse, a fear that I make a mistake and piss him off, and have him attack me or something of that sort. Within this I see that I haven't realized that assertiveness isn't aggressiveness, and that by trying to "be nice" I've not been clear in my expression towards him, not allowing myself to let go the "nice" point and simply be here and effectively direct the horse.
When I spoke about it to the person that works with him regularly and knows him, and horses in general quite well, she explained to me the mirroring behavior of the horses and showed me the specific points I must work on and emphasize as I walk with him. As we were discussing my application with Fat, I saw that I've been participating within the "submissive character" as a character that allows oneself to be abused, as I've been allowing him to "push me around" and even hurt me as he allowed himself to step on my foot, twice, which was the consequence of me not standing within assertiveness within holding my boundaries and being clear and direct.
Now I see the point a bit more clearly, it's not so much about being submissive, although it is a dimension within myself and a character I participate within, I find that the more dominant point is my resistance to being assertive, and the submissive character is an outflow of that.
I found a few dictionary definitions for assertiveness, the definition of 'assertive' I'm refereeing to is: Confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the expression of assertiveness within defining assertiveness in relation to aggression, instead of realizing that assertiveness is a clear and direct stand of self, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist standing as assertiveness and instead of facing/questioning my resistance from assertiveness I have accepted the justification that it is connected to aggression and left it at that
I commit myself to, when and as I see myself resisting a specific expression, as assertiveness, I investigate the point to clear the definition I have given the specific expression, and within common sense, and within the starting point of what is best for all, I make a directive decision wither I will participate with this expression as myself or not, within this I commit myself to investigate how I've defined words and my relationship to them in order to be able to make a clear and direct decision as to who I am and how I would express myself, and not be directed by tainted definitions that I have never questioned/investigated, that are based in perceptions/fears/personalities
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/resist expressing myself as assertiveness and as a result have expressed myself as submissive, thus allowing myself to be pushed around and abused, not standing up for myself, not setting the boundaries, not being self directive, due to fear of being aggressive, not allowing myself to see the self aggression within not allowing myself to stand up clear within myself
I commit myself to walk through this point of assertiveness, through opening it up in writing, self forgiveness and corrective statements, as to allow myself to stand here, directive within/as myself
I will continue in my next blog to open up the point of who I am within assertiveness
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