Showing posts with label appearance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label appearance. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 – Appearance
Day 131 - Self judgment - Part 3 – Appearance - Part 2
Day 132 - Self judgment - Part 4 - Appearance - Part 3
Day 133 - Self judgment - Part 5 – Designing myself as the appearance construct
Day 134 - Self Judgment - Part 6 – Appearance
I realize that when someone is being complemented on their appearance it isn't about me nor related to me and thus doesn't actually concern me - thus taking it personally and making any interpretations in regards myself is out of context, based on an illusion created only in my mind, as it has nothing to do with the actual physical reality of the situation, I realize that reacting to any complement given to another and taking it personally is reflecting my own self judgment towards my appearance and nothing else as what others may or may not think about me, within this I realize that any reaction as thoughts / back chat / energetic experience coming up within me, as comparison / spitefulness / judgment /competition / insult are not reflecting what others think of me but only reflecting and showing me what I think/believe about myself, within this I see that allowing these thoughts of self judgment as interpretations to others being complimented are self abusive, as within them I justify my self judgment and "bring myself down" as to experience the negative energy associated with self judgment. Within this I see that whenever I react to someone being complemented is an opportunity for me to see that I am still not clear and that the point of self acceptance is still not lived by me as myself, thus any point of reaction is thus a gift if I accept it as such and allow myself to investigate, forgive, and correct the points as they come up within my life, exposing to me the acceptances and allowances I have been living within/as in order for me to stand up and take self responsibility within the starting point of correcting myself to stop the self abuse and support myself as life, to support myself as I would support a child and to stop accepting the self abuse as I would not allow a child to be abused - thus, I commit myself to stop myself within and as breath when and as I see myself reacting to someone else being complemented or positively reinforced in any way, and specifically in regards to appearance, I commit myself to stop myself in breath and investigate and forgive the specific point that had emerged within the situation and revealed by my reaction, I commit myself to take on this point of self judgment in regards to appearance until it has no directive power over me, until I can stand stable in the face of any comment whether directed towards me or another, and not react within the mind as energy but direct myself within the principle of supporting myself in every breath and all within the situation as myself I realize that when I participate with thoughts as a form of comparison within self judgment in regards to appearance I am diminishing myself as the beingness that I am, and give my power away within accepting and allowing myself to believe my mind within the idea that there is an ideal way to look and that all must strive to look like that, within this I see that I have conditioned myself to desire to look as the ideal beauty image I have accepted within the accepted idea/belief that I have no right not to desire it, as if all should want to look like that - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as the appearance of my physical body as part of fulfilling my social duties in a way, within the desire / dependency to be accepted in society, as if I am suppose to judge myself because I don't look like the ideal, and I have thus allowed myself to consistently judge myself within a fear that if I don't I will be mocked, as if it is expected for someone that doesn't look like the ideal to at least judge themselves, as if to say "realize you don't look like the ideal you should want to look like, and judge yourself for not looking like it to prove that you understand that that's how you should look" - I realize within this that self judgment is a tool used to not change, as a form of justification, as a way of saying I accept my situation as my appearance but cannot do a thing about it so I will at the very least judge myself as to prove to society that I condemn myself as my appearance as to receive the approval of society, as a way to belong as one with society within sharing the point of judgment - thus equalizing myself to the point of judgment within accepting that all should strive to look in a specific way, and if they don't it is legitimate to judge them, as that is what society does, and thus it is expected that they judge themselves as well, and thus if they cannot fit in to society through looking in the ideal way, they can at least fit in with sharing society's judgment - I realize that I have been treating myself as a bully within the desire to fit in to society and accepting society's demands in regards to appearance, and thus I have been bullying myself within self judgment as if to say "hey society, look, I'm not standing as the ideal beauty image, but I accept it, and thus I will follow your demands and serve society's interest in condemning anyone that doesn't stand as that ideal, including myself, within this I have not allowed myself to question whether what I perceive as society's demands as the idea appearance is valid and worth "fighting for" and standing one and equal as - it is clear that it is not valid as it allows exclusion to all that do not fit the model and allows abuse as judgment towards those who do not fit the model, and thus disregards life as equal, and places conditions in order to be seen as worthy, instead of recognizing that all are equal as life, and all are equally worthy, and that the only thing that actually defines us is who we are within our acceptances and allowances, as the beingness that we allow ourselves to be - within this I commit myself to stop and breathe and not participate with society's demands without questioning them, as to make sure that I do not participate with the abuse that society allows and promotes as for instance exclusion, judgment and bullying. I commit myself to let go the ideal I have accepted and have lived by within judging myself for not looking like it and build myself a new within self trust as to trust myself that I will not bully myself within self judgment to justify to myself not looking like an ideal that is un real, as it is an idea, a concept of an era, an accepted opinion and not alive as the physical, and cannot be lived by all, and thus cannot be something to live by or be directed towards.
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Friday, January 4, 2013
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 – Appearance
Day 131 - Self judgment - Part 3 – Appearance - Part 2
Day 132 - Self judgment - Part 4 - Appearance - Part 3
Day 133 - Self judgment - Part 5 – Designing myself as the appearance construct
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into comparison when being told my sister is pretty within believing that the fact that they are saying my sister is pretty actually means that I am not, other wise they would have told me I am pretty
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel badly when being told my sister is pretty within taking personally the fact that I wasn't told
I forgive myself that for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as pretty within giving value to appearance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to appearance within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to what people think about me and specifically about my appearance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed within my experience of myself based on what I believe others think about me and specifically about my appearance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a positive experience when receiving positive feedback from others in regards to my appearance and go into a negative experience within myself when believing that others opinion about my appearance is negative
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to question my belief in the value of appearance and I have simply accepted it within seeing everyone around me giving value to appearance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hypnotized by the media as they feed me with an ideal beauty image and I accept it as my own, and thus compare myself to that beauty image and judge myself accordingly
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my sister as beautiful and within that to define myself as not
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous of my sister for being pretty and for having others express how pretty she is, within the desire to be seen as pretty as well
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore all the times I was told I was pretty because I didn't believe it to be true because I had already decided about myself that I am not, and thus every time someone tells me I am pretty I feel they are taking pity on me and are telling me just so I would feel better about myself, but that it's not in fact true
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react every time my dad would tell me I'm pretty because I felt like he is just saying it cause he's my dad and not because he actually believes it, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that he is saying it now, when I'm an adult, to make up for not telling me when I was a child, although I don't really remember if he did or didn't, I just know I didn't feel pretty
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as the ugly duckling that was seen as ugly as a child and now in adulthood is pretty, but within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to let go the experience of being ugly as a child and thus when I am being told I am pretty now I cannot enjoy it or believe it because deep down I feel ugly
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to enjoy myself unconditionally but instead I have conditioned myself to enjoy myself only if I feel good about myself and believe myself to be pretty, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to determine my self enjoyment on whether I believe I am pretty or not, and thus defining within myself and existing within the idea that only pretty people deserve to enjoy themselves
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in the belief that only pretty people should enjoy themselves and thus when I don't feel pretty I don't allow myself to enjoy myself because I allow myself to occupy myself in back chat of self judgment instead of letting go of the whole ideal of beauty and within that the judgment that goes with it, and simply enjoy myself here within and as the body that is me, realizing that self enjoyment is not defined by beauty but rather by my relationship to myself, and thus regardless of how I actually look, my self enjoyment is my responsibility in every breath and is not actually determined by what I look like but rather by how I see myself whether in judgment or not
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Thursday, January 3, 2013
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 – Appearance
Day 131 - Self judgment - Part 3 – Appearance - Part 2
Day 132 - Self judgment - Part 4 - Appearance - Part 3
The two main beliefs I see within the system design of self judgment in regards to appearance is that, 1) I believe appearance is valuable, as being pretty and looking good is a value, it makes you more, superior, it’s a point in your favor, 2) the other belief is that I'm not that, I'm not pretty, thus, I lack that value of being pretty as I have defined pretty in my mind and have given it value in my mind and then judged myself for lacking it in my mind.
How did I do this?
The memories go back to childhood, it's hard to pin point when it actually started, but what comes to mind is my relationship with my sister, how I saw her and in comparison how I saw myself. When we were growing up, and basically through out my entire life, I always knew within myself that my sister is "the pretty one", I always knew she was prettier than me - I remember my friends seeing her and saying to me how beautiful my sister is, this happened many times. I realize though, that these memories are not the source because I remember that I already had the experience as reaction within myself when they would say it, as I already have heard it before, I had already known this and them saying it was another confirmation of the truth I had already believed to be true, thus I have already have created the construct / belief and the energetic reaction to it. While growing up I never related being beautiful to myself, I always felt like I wasn't, I always connected beauty to my sister, I justified it with the comments I got from those around, as they would tell me how pretty my sister is, it was a simple conclusion - if I was pretty, would someone had told me as well? But no one did, or if they did I didn't believe it, and paid my attention on how pretty my sister was, as everybody always seemed surprised and expressed how beautiful she is.
This reminds me of an Israeli song "why didn't you tell me that your sister is prettier" I always experienced an inner pinch when I heard the song, I thought that all the guys in my life must have though it to themselves, that they got the less pretty sister, and had they'd known they would have chosen the other sister. I see within this that I was actually threatened by her beauty, like I will lose people / friends / lovers to her, like they will know her and will want to trade up. This created a construct of competition within me towards her, and towards any woman later on in my life that I defined as prettier than me, I couldn't simply be, I would be alert and try to prove myself, try to get some points to compensate on the lack of the valuable beauty I believed I had, within believing how important having it is.
This still doesn't explain how it all started…
In earlier years, I don't remember any comments from my family about her being prettier, but what I do remember is that I never knew how to smile in pictures, my mom used to take many pictures of us and I always had a fake, uncomfortable and exaggerated smile, my sister on the other hand would always look so pretty, like she was actually smiling her real smile. In those years , as I was growing up, I developed an interesting relationship to being photographed, because I had gone to the extreme of making a big and exaggerated smile that looked funny and unreal, like I was making a funny face intentionally, but I wasn't, I was trying to smile to the camera. I was camera shay and didn't know how to be in front of it, I didn't know how to smile a real smile and just look and be natural when the camera was pointed at me. So, in a way, through the photographs of me making these funny faces, I validated the point of not being pretty, and specifically not being as pretty as my sister, that always looked so good in pictures.
Throughout the years I have accumulated these memories one by one, every time someone commented about my sister being pretty I took it as proof of me not being as pretty, and I created this idea and self belief about myself, and within this self belief I have justified so many things in my life, especially failure in relationships - why? because I'm not pretty enough - all this within the accepted idea that beauty has value, as we see this everywhere in the media, and in gossip with friends, there seems to be an accepted consensus that beauty is important and valuable - so, here I am, a product of my society, believing beauty is valuable while believing myself to be less than my sister, thus creating myself as inferior, believing myself to be less than - I've taken in all the information and had come to that conclusion that beauty is valuable and I lack it - then I have lived by this idea and created it as myself - not once did I question the validity of the accepted social norm that beauty is valuable - I mean really, why would it be? We are basically born with a physical structure, it's not like if we are good and caring people we become more beautiful, it's not like if we are abusive or manipulative we become ugly - thus there is no actual connection between how we look and who we are - so why did I never question this and simply accepted it as a truth within reality, and in turn a truth about myself - as I have gone throughout my life believing I am lacking, and within the experience of being lacking, as being less than, I have always been looking around, outside of myself, to check everybody else's appearance, to see who I am in comparison to them, to validate my self belief through people that are more pretty than me proving I lack the value of beauty as I have taught myself to do through my relationship with my sister.
Looking at it now, it's not only sad, it is actual child abuse, to be living in a world where beauty is believed to have value - I mean, we can't do anything about how we look, it's not like we can apply ourselves, study harder, build self discipline and as a result be more beautiful - so living in a world where it is promoted that beauty is important and valuable is causing so much unnecessary suffering, and not only to those of us that believe ourselves to be not beautiful, but also to those that have gone all their lives believing themselves to be beautiful, because they did get the positive feedback growing up, and they fit in to the cultural beauty ideal - how can they know if people accept them for who they are or for their looks - it's similar to being rich and everybody knows about it - how can you trust that the people around you are with you for "who you are" and not for you money - the value we have given beauty has caused only distress, inner conflict, competition, jealousy and rivalry throughout history, and yet, I have accepted it and recreated it within and as myself, and even though there is no common sense in giving beauty value, I still have done it throughout my life, and still do it within self judgment - until I stand up within myself, within self honesty, and take responsibility for myself as not allowing myself to simply follow the social norm I have grown to be use to, and the program I have created myself as - but to actually become self directive within common sense and stop what doesn't make any sense like giving value to appearance.
I realize judging myself for this is pointless and will just cause myself to create another personality within myself, just another layer of self judgment - thus I realize I must transcend this point through walking a process of self forgiveness and corrective application as I commit myself to stop and change, without falling into self judgment - I must integrate as myself the realization that I have programed myself due to the ignorance I have been existing in, and now that the vale of ignorance is off I must take self responsibility and change myself, to never again allow myself to fall into participation within the beauty system.
Self forgiveness to come...
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Wednesday, January 2, 2013
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 – Appearance
Day 131 - Self judgment - Part 3 – Appearance - Part 2
and for those that are interested in further self support in regards to self image please visit this blog, as it is walked through is specificity, self honesty, and self support: http://malingunilla.blogspot.com
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in self rejection/hatred due to not living up to the ideal image I have created in my mind, and thus allow myself to abuse myself through self rejection/hatred due to not looking like an image, not realizing that within doing so I am diminishing myself as a living multidimensional being into a one dimensional image, and within diminishing myself to a one dimensional image judge myself as not looking like the image in my mind, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am not an image, and I am not defined by the way I look but rather by who I am within myself, within my application, within who I am in my relationship to myself as my physical body, and not what my physical body looks like, thus if I accept and allow myself to judge myself for my appearance, that is who I am, equal to my acceptance and allowance as self judgment, as separation of myself as my physical body - thus, I realize it's not about changing my appearance, but rather changing my relationship to and as myself, to become the living expression of self acceptance, of self love, of self honor and self respect, to become one and equal to and as my physical body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore my physical body as a living being, as the chamber that allows me life within the obsession of my appearance, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be grateful and honor my physical body unconditionally as the chamber in which I live in, as what allows me my physical existence in the physical, and instead I have only judged it within my desire to look a certain way and my physical body not molding itself into my desire, within this I realize that my physical body is real, here as the physical, where as my desire to look a certain way is based on the mind as an illusion, as the acceptance of a beaut ideal that has not passed the test of time, as it changes in each generation, in every new trend and fashion, thus, I realize that my body not molding itself into my desire has given me the opportunity to see my desire for what it is, to realize that I have been existing in my mind as the obsession as self judgment towards my appearance, as creating inner conflict and friction in my life, and within seeing this through the support of my physical body as not following my desire I can now change myself within taking self responsibility for who I am, and stopping myself as the mind, as the illusions my desires have been following.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within believing I should look like the image in my mind, I have validated and supported and justified through my acceptance and allowance the existence eating disorders which are actually a reflection of myself as I do not accept myself within and as my physical body, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my self judgment within the fact that I do not have an eating disorder because I have never crossed that line, but I haven't realized that I am participating in the same construct as I do not allow myself to accept myself as the physical body I exist within as do beings with an actual extensive eating disorder, thus, by participating in self judgment towards my physical appearance I am in fact participating in and validating eating disorders.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see my physical body through the eyes but through the mind, as the eyes see without judgment while the mind interprets and places judgment within self interest as a way to blind self from actually seeing through the eyes the physical reality which is here, as the mind act in self interest in disregard of the physical body and the physical existence as a whole and thus exists as self judgment to create inner friction and conflict to generate energy consumed from the physical, though this is hidden behind the accepted blinding effect of the mind, as placing the attention on the illusion as appearance instead of reality as what is really going on here on earth, as I have been spending my time caring about my appearance while ignoring the actual atrocities as abuse and suffering that is happening all around me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disease not within concern to my body's functionality, comfort and well being but within concern to my appearance, how will I look like if I have this or that condition, thus having it all in reverse asi have been ignoring what really matters as matter, as the function of the physical, as the condition of the earth while giving all my attention to myself in self interest within the desire to look in a specific way , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disease from a starting point of fear of judgment due to the consequence of the disease as a change in my appearance while ignoring myself within and as the physical body, as the discomfort, pain, suffering, weakness and within this ignoring all the pain and suffering that exist in the world, within this dismissing the opportunity to heal myself and existence as a whole because I have accepted and allowed myself to put all my attention on what I will look like and what people will think of me as a construct of the mind and not on reality as the physical, not through judging it but through practically considering what is best for all life, including my physical body, and acting on it within self honesty and common sense.
I commit myself to stop my participation with judgment of appearance towards myself and towards others, I commit myself, when and as I see myself going into self judgment or judgment towards others, to stop and breathe, to come back to myself as the physical within and as breath and stop my participation within and as the mind, I commit myself to use the self judgment as an opportunity to return to myself within and as breath, thus, when I see myself in a moment of self judgment, I stop and breathe, I stop the thoughts, I stop the back chat, I return here to and as the physical as myself, and I do this time and time again until self judgment is not directing me as my experience of myself, within this I commit myself to write down to myself the specific back chat and specific self judgment that come up, and to walk a process of self forgiveness in self honesty, within realizing that I am harming myself as the physical body while participating in self judgment, and in that allowing harm and abuse of the physical in all it's dimensions and levels, thus I realize that any change must start with self, and thus I commit myself to through walking the process of writing, self forgiveness and self correction in practicality to be a living example that self judgment can be stopped
Sunday, December 30, 2012
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 - Appearance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in self judgment for not looking like the image I have in my mind as the ideal way to look, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to question this image in my mind as how it got there and at what point in my life did I accept it as the condition for my own self acceptance, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue holding onto the ideal beauty idea even though I see how if effects me directly as I use it as justification to judge and diminish myself, thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go the ideal beauty image within the realization that I, nor anyone, is actually defined as who we are according to our appearance, and thus there is no common sense to give value to someone's appearance, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist without any common sense and continue feeding the ideal of beauty ideal instead of standing up for life and not accepting such an ideal to exist within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the ideal beauty I have seen in the media and society as my own, and within that have allowed myself to judge others when they don't fit the ideal, thus accepting and allowing myself to judge others as a projection of my own self judgment and fear of being judged by others as I have not accepted myself as equal to and one with my appearance and thus I judge others to justify to myself my own self judgment, instead of realizing the abusive nature of judgment and simply not allowing it to exist within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, instead of stopping the judgment within me, towards myself and towards others, I have allowed myself to take joy in judging others because I have allowed it to give me a sense of relief as not only I am not perfect but others are not perfect as well, and thus through judging others I accepted my own self judgment and believed self limitation within believing that I am defined by my appearance and since I have judged it as lacking I have believed myself to be lacking, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do so, instead of stopping myself as the judgment within realizing that I am not defined by what I look like, as that is self diminishment to compare myself and others as living beings to a one dimensional image, as I know from my own experience that who I am is not aligned with my appearance, though how I see myself within the relationship I have with myself is the basis of who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others based on how we look within placing myself as more or less than them depending on how close or far we are to the ideal I have created and accepted as an image in my mind, and thus if someone is further away from the ideal I will see myself as more than them, superior, and experience an uplifting energetic experience and will experience momentarily self acceptance, and if someone is closer to the ideal as I am I will see myself as less than them, inferior and experience a self judgment and will not accept myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed, as how I experience myself, by a point of comparison between me and others, not realizing that I, as how I am have not changed, yet I allow my experience to change according to people changing in my environment, instead of allowing myself to be equal to and as myself and remain stable, here as breath, regardless of who is around, and specifically regardless of the comparison I have created in my mind as a means to define myself, as to know how I should feel about myself accordingly, thus existing in total separation of/from myself as I need external stimuli to dictate who I allow myself to be in the moment, as self acceptance or self judgment .
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others and allow myself experience of myself to be directed by the judgment I make towards myself and others in relation to myself, not realizing that this is all done within the mind, as I do not change my appearance when I am around different people, yet I allow the comparison within my mind to change my experience of myself, as I go from a high to a low depending on who is around me and how much closer or further they are from the ideal image I have created in my mind.
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Saturday, December 29, 2012
This is a continuation from yesterday’s blog: Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on my appearance and within that to define myself according to how I look, within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into energetic experiences as feeling and emotions due to the self judgment of how I look whether good or bad, thus allowing my experience to be directed by how I perceive my appearance to be in each moment, whether satisfactory according to some ideal I created, or non satisfactory
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that my appearance define me and thus I allow myself to judge myself as my appearance to evaluate who I am as the self definition of me, within this diminishing myself as life and comparing myself to a one dimensional lifeless image as a picture in my mind as a list of characteristics, as a caricature that I wish to resemble
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others in regards to appearance where I judge them as more or less than me and accordingly feel good or back about myself due to have defining myself in comparison to them, within this defining both them and myself according to appearance and thus creating for myself a one dimensional representation of reality as images as lifeless caricatures, instead of realizing that all are life and as life we exist as multidimensional beings, and thus allowing myself to interact with real live beings and not exist as a one dimensional cartoon figure I have created in my mind and has not real life value
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be more conscious about my appearance when I am around people that I judge as better looking than me, within this I allow myself to go into an experience of wanting to hide myself as to not show the imperfections within the concern that others will see me and compare me, as I do, to those better looking than me and will see / judge me as less than, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear their rejection within the belief / idea that they will prefer the other being due to them being better looking, and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect appearance to acceptance and thus fear not being accepted / loved / appreciated when in my environment there are better looking people, once again, not realizing that as I fear not being accepted due to appearance I am showing myself back to myself- that in fact I have been judging people according to their appearance and accepting or rejecting them based on my visual attraction to them, I realize within this that as long as I judge others for their appearance I will exist in fear of being judged for mine, thus I realize I must be the point of change and to stop the judgment both towards myself and towards others within the realization that we are not defined by our appearance, and within stopping the judgment stopping the fear of being judged by others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compensate my insecurities about my appearance through neglecting my self as my physical body and making it seem to myself and others that I don't care about appearances, thus creating a character within and as myself as someone who doesn't care about looking nice, when in fact I have been judging myself for my appearance because I do care, because I have given value to appearance, and thus I have allowed myself to exist as a lie within fear, within the belief that if I appear to not care about appearances no one will judge me but rather respect me for not caring, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself and others within allowing myself to exist and present myself as a character as someone that doesn't care, when in fact I do, instead of stopping the source of the lie which is the belief that appearance actually defines who I am, and within that belief justify the self judgment for not appearing as the ideal appearance, not realizing that this entire construct of self judgment is only existing through and within my participation acceptance and allowance - thus I realize it is up to me to stop - thus, I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating in thoughts, emotions, feelings, comparisons due to appearance, I stop myself immediately within breath, and I breathe and don't allow the thoughts to take me over, I remain here and do not participate with the temptation as the habit to go into and participate with giving value to appearance, I stop and breathe until the temptation is over and I am here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent / spite beings that I have judged as better looking than me within blaming them as who they are as good looking for making me feel bad about myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for being good looking instead of taking self responsibility for and as myself within realizing that they are not making me feel anything, it is all self created as I have allowed myself to define myself according to appearance and thus allow myself to feel inferior / not good enough when in my environment there are beings that I have compared myself to and have defined them as better than me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself according to my appearance, within a belief that I should look in a specific way to be accepted, and thus have not allowed myself to accept myself until I look in alignment to my belief as the ideal way to look, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never question how and why I have defined the ideal beauty as I did, and within investigating the point realizing that it was never actually my choice as what I believe to be pretty as a personal preference, but it has always been an accepted beauty ideal that I have came to accept through repeated and consistent interaction with the media and society, thus "eating up" the beauty model" I have being fed, allowing myself to be programed by mass media to belief some body shape / form are more valuable than others, some hair color / eye color / nose shape / posture and so on, are better and to be more valued than others - I forgive myself for never allowing myself to actually question this ideal, and to realize how abusive it is within realizing that all have a different shape / form to their body, thus any idea of ideal is an act of exclusion, and basically simply an opinion, not valid as the reality of life, but simply as an accepted opinion, thus within seeing from my own personal experience, and from the experience of others, the destructive consequences the beauty ideal has on myself and society, I commit myself to let it go, to stop myself from participating within it as an energetic entity within myself. When and as I see myself go into any energetic reaction due to my relationship to the beauty ideal - I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical, the actual physical is all shapes and all forms in equality, and thus there cannot be a preferred shape or form to the human physical body.
To be continued
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