Showing posts with label conversation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conversation. Show all posts
Sunday, July 7, 2013
I started a new type of job and it requires me to push through and walk beyond my comfort zone, I have to approach people, call people, talk to people, and sell to people - when I was a child I wouldn't even like going up to the bagel stand and buy a bagel - I would ask the grown ups to do it for me, I didn't like phoning my friend's home (back in the day before everybody had their own private line or cell phone) because I didn't want their parents to pick up and talk to me, I hid through out my entire bat miztva party so I wouldn't have to talk to my relatives, and the list of situations where I avoided interaction with people goes on and on - and now I am walking into a line of work that is 100% people oriented…
So, why did I fear people so much? Well, there was "what if I don't speak clearly and they don't understand what I'm saying" (specifically in the states where I was self conscious about my Israeli accent), "what if they ask me something and I don't understand or hear the question and I have to have them ask or explain it again and it becomes an awkward moment", "what if they ask me how I am doing and I don't know what to answer" - I always had this idea about myself that I don't know how to hold a "small-talk" conversation, that I'm not good with the chit chat, that other people seem to do so naturally, I always felt awkward, I never like those awkward moments when no one is speaking and I feel like it's my responsibility to direct the conversation but I don't have anything substantial to say. This point is interesting because I'm been living and expressing myself as a character that is very friendly and outspoken, and I give an impression as if I am confidant and comfortable around people, but I have always been very self conscious and uncomfortable.
There is one specific memory I have, I was about 5 years old and I'm walking by a group of people, they are sitting on their porch and I remember I was worried about them watching me, so I walked by and had my head facing the ground but my eyes were turned towards them, looking at them, checking to see if they are looking at me - years later I've seen kids doing the same thing and it's hilarious because all I wanted was to be invisible, I didn't want to be seen or looked at, and then I go ahead and walk in such an obvious way, which draws that much more attention… lol…
I've spent so much time and energy worrying about what other people will think of me, allowing this to limit me into a freeze where I don't want to do or say anything is fear of the interaction, fear of messing up, making a fool out of myself, being seen as a joke, humiliating myself, and so on.
I've learnt to deal with this construct but I is very much still alive and kicking within me, still wanting to be validated and approved, still feeling awkward speaking to people that I am intimidated by, still get intimidated by people that for some reason I have defined as superior in some way, or myself, in relation to them, as inferior.
So I'm now facing this journey, and this job is a great opportunity to walk through these points, it's kind of like a big practice field, where I get to push myself again and again and again to face these inner demons as these fears that I have allowed myself to be directed by and that I have allowed to control my life.
I'll open this point up further with self forgiveness, to prepare me for the coming week, and I'll come back to this point as I walk it and as points come up. Already just by starting writing about it all these memories came up , so there is plenty of work to do here in clearing myself and allowing myself to change out of this character that I have lived throughout my life, as it has not been supportive, nor effective at all, and it's about time to let it go and "grow up" as I nurture myself and grow upwards into and as myself, as to live and express the full potential of myself that I have not been allowing myself to live and exist as because I have been allowing myself to diminish myself in fears as self limitation.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that other conversations are probably more interesting / funny than the one I am having, and within this belief I experience myself as missing out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divert my attention to other conversations in the area while I'm engaged in a conversation with someone, within an attempt to hear what they are talking about, because it must be something interesting that I am missing out on, and thus I focus my attention in trying to hear what's being said around me and am not here within the conversation that I am actually having
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually be here, present, and listen to the person I am engaged in conversation with, because I am focusing my attention out there, on other conversation, within the belief that I am missing out on something better
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually be here within the conversation that I am having, and thus am not actually listening to the person, and thus cannot actually have a decent conversation, because I am not here in my totality, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat our conversation as boring and unimportant, within not considering the other person in the conversation, while acting in a way that doesn't consider them, doesn't respect them, acting in a way I wouldn't want to have done to me, thus not following the principle of "do onto another that which you want them to do onto you" but actually living as the opposite, as I do to them that which I do not want to be done to me, as I wouldn't want someone to talk to me while looking for the next and better conversation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally and be insulted if while talking with someone they are busy looking for the next more interesting conversation instead of being here in their totality, within this I realize that I have been taking it personally because I didn't understand the construct of it within and as myself, as if I were to understand myself, as why I do the very same thing, I would know it isn't personal but comes towards me, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become insulted instead of taking the opportunity to investigate myself within the point as such behavior, as to see why I do it myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the experience of missing out, which causes me to focus on other conversations instead of being here within the one I am having, is showing me that I am not content within and as myself, as I am looking for something out there to fulfill me, instead of realizing that nothing out there can fulfill me if I am not giving self fulfillment to myself as the living expression as who I am.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the very experience of not being fulfilled / content with myself is created and generated by the mind through my participation, within this I haven't allowed myself to see that the experience of not being content, in peace, within and as myself, and thus the experience of missing out, is a result of my participation in the mind as I believe the thoughts, back chat, memories, ideas that come up as voices in my head, directing me to take action as searching for the next and better conversation, instead of allowing myself to stop myself within breath, and to remain here, within and as myself, and as I breathe I realize I am here, and all that there is - is here, thus there is no point to look for anything anywhere out there
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that when a conversation is ot interesting, and when I am experiencing myself missing out on the better conversation going on out there, I am actually separating myself from / as myself, I am separating myself from the reality of here as I am judging it as boring / not good enough, instead of being here in my totality, within and as breath, without judgments of the mind, I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding that without the judgments, thoughts, back chat of the mind I could simply be here in the moment, enjoying the conversation I am having in peace
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the perceived circumstances be the directive principle of me, instead of directing myself and taking self responsibility for my experience in each and every moment, thus not to believe the idea that I will find fulfillment out there through a better conversation, but to direct myself and become equal and one with fulfillment here, as who I am in every moment
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that as I am focusing on other conversation within fear of missing out instead of being here within and as the conversation I am having - I am actually missing out on myself, I am missing out on this very breath, which is all that there is, thus, I am missing out on life, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my participation with the fear of missing out is that which is creating myself as actually missing out on myself
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