Day 222 - Just Fucking Do It

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk about the things I want to do instead of actually doing them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk about thing I want to do as if I am planning to do them when in fact I am talking about them as a way to express to others my direction without having to ever go there

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the more I talk about a point I want to do / accomplish the less likely I am to actually do it, because if I were to do it I would just fucking do it

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that talking about a point is avoidance of actually walking the point

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that talking about a point from the starting point of making myself look as if I am walking the point or am about to walk it is self dishonesty, as separating myself into two beings, the one who talks as if I will do or am doing something, and the one who is existing in avoidance and isn't actually doing it, thus being split between my words and my deeds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a loop for myself where I see and realize that I am trapped in an endless cycle of talking about a point and not walking it but at the same time still believing myself to be actually trapped, not realizing that I can simply stop the cycle in one decision, in one breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a cycle for myself where I am already sick and tired of hearing myself speak about the things I want to do, such as to support myself in writing, and then as I see myself not do it to judge myself and add self hatred to the situation, instead of simply seeing myself in the loop and make a deliberate decision in that moment to take immediate action and to for example sit down to write

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create such a big deal out of sitting down and writing where I have become so intimidated of writing that it really seems like a huge point to tackle, when in fact I have been writing since the first grade, and it is not in fact a big huge task, but rather one that I simply must direct myself to do, and once I start doing it each time I realize that not only is it not as hard / scary as I feared, but in most cases I rather end up enjoying myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remind myself that I do in fact enjoy writing and that many things that I tend to avoid and feel like I have to fight with myself in order to do are things that once I allow myself to get started I actually enjoy them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to re-live the pattern/memory from my childhood where my parents would urge me to go into the bath and I would fight them not to but once I was in I would love it so much that I wouldn't want to get out

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to learn from the memory above but instead to re-live it as to be frozen in time within it, instead of evolving / growing from it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend so much of my time and energy in trying to avoid doing the things I really want to do, instead of just fucking doing it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fill up my time with complaining about not wanting to do the things I actually on a deeper level want to do, or complaining about not doing the things I say I want to do, instead of just fucking doing them

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to establish a clear starting point within myself as to why I want to do the things I say I want to do

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that without a clear starting point it is no surprise that it has been hard for me to stay dedicated to a decision that I am unclear about what it stands for and who I am within it.

I commit myself to find and define within myself a clear starting point, to investigate what that even means to me, to create from within myself the definition of why am I walking and where am I going.

I also commit myself to write daily, even if just one sentence of self forgiveness or one point of realization, I commit to write out a self directed supportive statement / paragraph / blog each day. Within this, I commit myself, if resistance to writing still comes up, to write about the resistance and not allow myself to be directed by it, but rather to take it as a point of self discovery and exploration, and at the very least, as something to write about.

Day 219 – The spark of life

It’s been about a year since my last blog, I did actually write one after Bernard passed, but didn’t push myself to make it into a renewed habit – so here I am on day 219.

I am learning to appreciate the concept of counting our blogs as days, marking the accumulation of our physical walk, as the writing we post each day, and not allowing us to believe that the accumulation of time is an indication of self movement, which is what I have been experiencing believing – my experience was that I have been walking for about 5 years and I have been holding on to this sense of self that I “should” be at some level of awareness because I have been walking for so long, and I have compared myself to others who have walked for as long as I have, seeing their progress, seeing their effectiveness and believing that I should have been at their level because I have been walking about the same time.

Within this I have not taken into consideration the actual reality of the situation (and this is where our mind is so tricky - always noticing that which will cause turmoil and inner conflict and friction) what I didn’t consider is the consistency of my application, because I have not actually been walking for 5 years, I have been walking the accumulation of the moments that I have made a deliberate decision to walk, to be here, to choose self honesty, to choose breath, to choose self support. And as the days of my blogs state, just as one form of activity that can be measured, I have not been walking daily for 5 years - in the past two years, looking at my blogs, I have walked daily for 7 months in accumulation of this specific type of actual physical activity – now, this is not to say that one is measured by their blogs, no, what I mean to point out here, especially to myself, is that it is pointless to judge myself according to an idea that I should be at some level, based on an ineffective tool of measurement such as linear time, when in fact the accumulation of my application is not based on time moving forward, but on me actually applying myself.

It is not time that will change me. It is me that must change myself.

So, here I am again, making the commitment to stop judging myself in comparison to others that have walk more consistently and more effectively than myself, but to learn from them, to inspire myself to realize that I too can make the decision and actually walk it.

Right before starting this blog I found an old blog I had written, some years ago, and I was amazed at how many of the points are the same, it was frustrating and almost humiliating to see that I have not moved, but at the same time that is what made me see once again the foolishness of this self judgment, so I am grateful for that, as here I am, writing (yey) – the point is that if I don’t walk the walk, how can I expect myself to change – by doing so I am just forming a self sabotaging loop, where I am both not walking and on top of that also judging myself for not changing – allowing myself to exist in that polarity which will get me nowhere but further down the depths of my mind.

What I did see through reading that blog and now, within the process of writing this one is that even though I am still walking the same points, what is clear is that both then and now I have a spark of awareness within me, that point within me that does want to self realize, to expand, to unleash and be free, to overcome the limited existence I have allowed myself and to live up to my true potential – this point of awareness is here with me, as me, now, as much as it was then, so what I see and realize is that this spark is not letting go, it is here to stay - that gives me a sense of relief, realizing that this spark within me that wants to live, is not going away. Within this I also realize my responsibility of nurturing that spark and allowing it to grow and expand within me, as me.

Day 173 – Still not good enough

A must hear:

 

The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination – Where does Self-Judgment come from? - Part 11

Where does Self-Judgment come from – from the World around us, or from our own Imaginations?

 

The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Omnipresence of Self Judgment - Part 12

Has your Self Image negatively influenced your life? Here we discuss How Self Judgment takes over every aspect of your Life, Thoughts and experiences.

 

The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Self Judgment: Waging a War against yourself - Part 13

Why would we say things to ourselves that we would never dare to say to another?

 

The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Self Judgment as Punishment - Part 14

Why do we feel like we deserve to be punished through our own self judgment and how does the media contribute to this feeling?

 

 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a starting point of not being good enough, as a self doubt that I allow exist within and as me at all times, as a voice in my head doubting any idea / project telling me I am not good enough to do it to my satisfaction.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and participate with the voice in my head telling me I am not good enough, and to direct myself accordingly as if this voice is speaking the truth of me, not allowing myself to question it, to investigate where did this thought as this voice in my head come from, where / how did this thought was created and why am I believing it unquestionably to be true.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, within believing myself to not be good enough, within existing in self doubt, to place myself in positions that I have defined as inferior such as being "the assistant" and thus, through placing myself in such positions to validate for myself my own self belief of not being good enough to lead / direct any situation / job / project, and thus exist within an endless loop of believing myself to be inadequate and placing myself in positions to prove myself right.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to brake this loop of self created inadequacy, through pushing myself to take responsibility - as in to deliberately place myself in a position that I must stand up from, that there is no one to lean on and that I must take responsibility and direct myself within it - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to brake this loop and prove myself wrong, and within this to start building myself up as self trust

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and thus place myself in positions of inferiority, to then exist in inner conflict due to having sparks of clarity / insight which then, when I want to express and share, I feel like I can't, because I have limited myself in a position that I believe doesn't allow me to share / express myself as I have defined the position as being inferior / useless / unworthy.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the position of being an assistant as less than / inferior,  and thus allowing myself to exist as and participate in inequality, within believing the "head" is more valuable than the "rest of the body", believing some positions in a project are more valuable than others, and thus, i have defined myself according to the position I have placed myself in, within this, I forgive myself for not realizing that when doing so, I am looking only at a partial part of the loop I have existed within, as believing that I am experiencing myself as inferior due to the position I am in, when in fact I have defined the position as less than as a reflection of my own self created experience within allowing myself to exist as inferiority / self doubt as the beingness of myself, thus not realizing that I make the position rather than the position makes me - and thus, if I, within myself, believe and accept myself to be and exist as inferior then that is what I will make out of any position, whereas, if / when I change myself and stop allowing such self created self sabotaging beliefs to exist within and as me , no job / task / project will be too small for me because I will stand up within it and make it into that which I am - thus, if a job / task / project seems small it is merely showing me that I am allowing myself to believe myself to be small - as showing me back to myself rather than reflecting on the job, my relationship / judgment towards the job is reflecting myself to see myself, to be able to forgive myself / correct myself / change myself

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as I'm writing these words and statements, resist writing, within fear of change, as I fear taking self responsibility I fear daring to stand up and stop deliberately placing myself in positions  that don't require / expect me to take responsibility and to stand up as a leader of the project, and thus, within accepting this fear as who I am, within believing this fear to indicate some form of truth of me, I allow it to direct me as resistance towards writing, as a resistance towards change - though, I realize that this fear must be investigated in order for me to understand it, to become clear in regards to why the hell have I allowed myself to exist within and as this fear all my life - and within understanding it change will be possible - thus I realize that it isn't about changing myself from where I am now as fear into a self responsible self directive being that still holds on to the fear yet pushes through - as that seems impossible, like jumping into fire - it's about investigating the fear and within understanding the fear, it's source, how I created it, to realize that the fear isn't real, and through this self honest realization, not as knowledge but as real realization, I will more easily be able to let the fear go - I say this because from where I am now not fearing seems impossible, but it's because I haven't yet investigated the fear, once I do, I will know more clearly how to direct myself within it, or shall I say, direct myself to get out of it.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as fear

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility within fear of failure

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that failure is real, not realizing that failure is invented as an idea to create fear, and thus the two loop around each other, one creating the other, both an illusion that I am bringing to life through my acceptance and participation

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking the lead, to fear taking responsibility of a project within believing that I am not good enough and that there must be someone else that will do a better job, and I should just back them up as their assistant rather than doing it on my own

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this approach is indicating I am humble and modest, when in fact it is not within a starting point of humbleness but rather of a starting point of fear and self diminishment, as humbleness would be to take responsibility and accept the lead of any project, but if someone else comes forth that may be more qualified then in humbleness I will back down and learn from them, rather then what I have been doing is on the one hand not taking the lead / responsibility in fear of failure, and then "allowing" someone to take the lead while actually using them as a cover up for my deliberate avoidance of the task.

within this, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent those that end up taking the lead, as they are reflecting to me that which I am not allowing myself to be, and thus within resentment I exist in competition, but it is a battle I allow myself to lose to then believe myself to have given up the "thrown" in humbleness - talk about self delusion.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself into believing I am a "good person" for letting others take the lead, not allowing myself to see that I have been avoiding taking the lead / responsibility in fear and self doubt, and thus I have created an illusion of myself being humble / good person as to justify and validate my avoidance of taking the lead, instead of facing myself for who I am in self honesty and allowing myself to see that I am not humble nor am I good, I am allowing myself to exist in and be directed by fear - this allowance makes me un trustworthy as I am not allowing myself to be the directive principle of / as myself and thus within not being the self directive principle I am allowing myself to be unpredictable as I am motivated by energy as fear and desire instead of directing myself clearing and steadily within alignment to the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all life, including myself.

Day 165 - Enslaved to Memories - Correction

for context please read my previous blogs:

Day 160 – A life changing Decision

Day 161 - Shame - I've done nothing with my life

Day 162 - Running ahead of myself

Day 163 - Running ahead of myself - Self forgiveness

Day 164 - Enslaved to Memories - Failed opportunity relived

I have written about this memory some more - here I am highlighting some key sentences I extracted from my writings, and will address them to support myself within this journey

 

"I didn’t feel comfortable selling these products to people because I hadn't used them and could only recommend them based on the recommendations I got from those who sold them to me" - what would be the correction in such a case? How can I support myself to prevent from this point to reoccur? - so make sure I can speak for myself because I have tested it out for myself and have actually seen the results - thus - I commit myself to actually apply myself by using the program and testing it out for myself, within this I realize that products can be sold without the sales persona testing them out for themselves, like if it's for a specific condition - this doesn't mean that the salesperson cannot stand by the product in confidence - thus, I realize I must ask for more and more stories / verifications stating that this product is valid and effective - I realize I must come to a point of actually trusting that I am presenting these people with something that will benefit them, to do so I realize the best way would be to walk the point for myself and learn from first hand the validity / effectiveness of the program, this, in order to stand by / behind what I say, within the principle of "prevention is the best cure" as I would be preventing the back chat and moral points that may come up and sabotage me - thus, the point of prevention is to be stable and clear in regards to the product before I start selling it, and within this, to realize that this stability will only grow as long as I keep moving - so this too is a point of process - within this also the point of not allowing myself to be directed by the back chat and self doubt that may come up - I breathe and continue, to the next and next and next - every time learning from myself, how did I present it, what questions did they have, what did I not know to answer, and from there to investigate, to find out and become that much more clear in regards to the point.

 

"another difficulty is that I took all rejections personally" - I realize that if someone doesn't want to product it's fine, it's isn't personal and isn’t a failure - what I must do is investigate what I have done and what I can do better, how I can learn from the experience and perfect myself for the next time - I direct myself to take full responsibility, I check myself - did I react to anything, did I participate in thoughts the previous day, I deliberately find all points I can take responsibility for so that I can be in control of the situation and direct myself more effectively the next time - still within realizing that not all people will buy the product - I am presenting them with an opportunity that will benefit them, they will either take it or not. It is their process as well, all I can do is present them with a supportive tool as a point of prevention - if they take it or not is up to them.

 

"I couldn't approach people because I feared them rejecting the idea / product / opportunity" when I experience myself going into fear of rejection - I stop and breathe, I realize that being rejected cannot hurt me unless I let it, I realize that if I allow myself to be directed by the rejection in fear of failure I will in fact manifest for myself the very failure I fear, because it's common sense that I must push through the fear / resistance and keep on going until I get to the one that will buy the product / idea, if I stop before hand I am failing myself - I realize that I cannot fail if I just keep on walking, learning and pushing through the resistance one breath at a time - I can only fail if I stop pushing, stop walking, stop trying.

 

"I failed because I didn't have any tools to support me" - now I do, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for failing, not taking into consideration that I didn't have the tools to support myself through the difficulties - but now I do, I have writing, I have breathing, I have self forgiveness, I realize that all mind participation as justification or self blame is always going to end up hurting me, as it has in the past, through self sabotage as not valuing myself, not believing I am worthy and so on - thus, any thoughts / back chat that are not supporting me, I know are self sabotage and I will not allow myself to participate in any thought / back chat that is anything but self support - and I realize that as long as this back chat is coming up it is showing me who I still am allowing myself to exist as - thus, I must investigate and clear myself from the past, let go all memories that have defined me as a unworthy failure - only through forgiveness and letting go, through investigating myself in self honesty, humbleness and self embracement - will I be able to stop the mind as self sabotage and start living effectively as self expression, as life. Within this, I also realize it is a point of simply stopping participation - thus ,when thoughts / back chat of self victimization come up, I stop them immediately and breathe, I do not allow myself to entertain myself within / as them. when and as I experience myself in need of support, I stop myself and breath, and go ask for help / assistance / support - I realize people have done what I'm doing, they have faced what I am facing and thus, can assist me - it is my responsibility to find the tools / assistance necessary for me to keep on walking.

"the memory is of me not being able to push through, and within it fear of what if again I will not be able to push through" I realize it is up to me, it is always only up to me to push through - thus, if I see myself not pushing through I must stop and investigate, and make a decision - am I going to allow myself to abuse myself in self sabotage, am I going to allow myself to diminish myself through not pushing through, to prove to myself that I am unworthy - or, am I going to stand up within and as myself, commit myself to myself, make the decision to walk one breath at a time, one step at a time - and for each and every one and single step, I take the decision again, and again and again - until I have pushed the resistance away, until I have proven to myself that I am stronger than the resistance that I have created.

 

"I didn't want to go into it alone" I realize I must be willing to walk this alone - I realize that as long as I am dependent on the desire of having a partner I am in fact doing so from a starting point of fear, as I don't trust myself to stand and walk alone - thus, in order to establish self trust I must allow myself to walk this alone, I must let go of the desire / expectation of having a partner, because I realize it is a point of wanting to share the responsibility and the only reason I do is because I don't yet trust myself - within this, I realize that in order to establish self trust I must be willing to jump in, and take on whatever comes my way - within realizing that I CAN do this, I can continue breathing I can continue walking - any belief that I can't is just that - a belief, it isn't actual if I don't participate with it, as it will dissipate into thin air - as long as I don't allow myself to become it and live it into the physical as my expression

 

"last time I pushed a partner to walk with me, from a starting point of fear, and they agreed to do so, but were not into it really" - this cause friction, because I expected them to be as excited as me, but they weren't - thus I realize I wanted them to be excited to validate my decision, and when I saw they were not - I couldn't stand, because I placed my ability to stand on their participation - I realize that is not practical, because as long as I place my power on other people I cannot direct myself, as I am creating myself as dependent, instead of self reliant - thus, I commit myself to refrain from putting pressure on anyone to walk this point with me, I refrain from any form of emotional manipulation, and if anyone decides to walk with me, I make sure they are really dedicated to the point , and even so, if they are, I take full responsibility, I allow myself to become the directive principle, as to stand whether or not they stand with.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the directive principle, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea that being directive is being bossy and I have defined it in a negative way - though I realize that any judgment is of the mind and cannot be trusted - and now, as I look at the point - being directive is not negative, it is practical - it might come across some resistance, and that will contradict my desire to please everyone - so now looking at it - what is negative, Being directive or desiring to please? - as I see it now being directive is living, being directive is taking responsibility and doing what is necessary to be done, where as the desire to please is limiting, is dependent, is not actually free - I realize I must let go this point of desire to please and be liked and accepted - I realize that even though I experience the fear of loss, there isn't really anything to lose, yet so much to gain, as I would be gifting myself the gift of life - as I stop living according to others and start living as myself, allowing myself to empower myself as I stand as self directive principle

 

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