Showing posts with label self direction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self direction. Show all posts
Sunday, July 7, 2013
I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to go into fear when thinking about and planning meeting new people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine in my mind the scenario of meeting and talking to new people and then to go into fear when I compare my idea of how reality will be to the imagined scenario
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the thought that in my mind I always have the right and effective response and comeback but in reality I stutter and loose my words and freeze
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the scenario in my mind, not realizing that I am by doing so, creating a polarity between how I am in my mind and how I am in reality, as in reality things are not as smooth as in the mind, and so, instead of supporting myself through this imagination I am actually sabotaging myself in comparing myself in reality to myself in the mind, and knowing that I can never live up to this comparison
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that feeling comfortable with people and talking to new people with ease will come with practice in the physical reality and not through participating in mind imaginations as what that causes is for me to try and recreate in reality that which I have practiced in my mind, and thus not allowing myself to be here and present within the interaction and conversation, and so again, the imagination is in fact sabotaging me and not supporting me in becoming a better communicator
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the more I wait and postpone interacting with people the harder it gets from the perspective of the mind will believe it is harder, and in fact, the sooner I do it the sooner I will be comfortable with doing it, and so once again showing me that all the mind wants is not to support me in becoming effective and fulfilled but rather to limit me and maintain the fear as the self belief of who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by what I know myself to be as fear of people, instead of allowing myself, within realizing that this fear and avoidance is just making my life harder and myself less effective human being, to walk through this fear, and face it head on, and not shy away from it until I have overcome it, until I am not afraid of the fear itself any more and can move and direct myself in any way or direction that is what is most beneficial in each moment
I realize that the fear of people is maintained through my participation with it, and so, when and as I see myself participating in fear of people, I stop myself and breathe, and I push myself to act despite my fear, and to push myself to face my fear and not run away from it, until I have done it so many times that I have proven to myself through my physical application that this fear is not relevant nor supporting me in any way
realize that there have been so many situations in my life where I wanted to do something, as tonight I wanted to go dancing, but then the fear of people comes up and prevents me from going out and exploring and expressing myself, and actually limits me and refines me into a small box as my reality, within this, I commit myself to, when and as I see myself preventing myself from going out and enjoying myself and expressing myself because of the back chat of fear of people, I stop myself and breathe!! - And I push myself to deliberately do that which I fear, (within obviously considering the practicality of the point and not in any way put myself in actual danger just to prove myself a point) - and so, I commit myself to when avoiding a situation due to thoughts as back chat of fear of people, I stand up within myself and get up and move to that point which I fear - within this, I commit myself to then investigate the situation, the fear and the physical outcome - within this, I realize that by standing up and walking through my fear it is not promised that the outcome will be what I want, in other words, I realize that I will experience that which I fear most as for instance rejection, and so, I realize that the outcome of me going out and not preventing myself from expressing myself due to fear of people, is not the point as the outcome can go either way, and so, I commit myself to not judge myself and the situation according to the outcome, and so not open that back door as to tell myself that "I've tried and it just doesn't work" but instead to realize that it's not about succeeding in anything it's about allowing myself to live fully and not limit myself due to a fear of people that has been directing me throughout my life.
Monday, March 25, 2013
this is a continuation of my previous blog:
Day 173 – Still not good enough
Day 174 - Laziness or Inadequacy?
Day 175 – Priorities
Day 176 - The Last Minute
Day 177 - Not Pushing Myself
Day 178 - I can only start Walking from Here
a must hear - Why do we not access our full potential? Why do we hold ourselves back?:
in the past few days i have been walking in writing the point of the experience of overwhelming resistance that has been coming up within me - i have been giving my power away to the resistance to take over me, i have been entertaining the resistance as i try to resist it and push through, but i end up giving up and allowing myself to be directed by it - and so each time i end up giving up - the resistance grows stronger, like bacteria that learns to be tolerant to antibiotics - each time i i don't push through, but just "give it a shot" only to then give up - the next time around the resistance is stronger and i am weaker...
a specific point i have been resisting is the writing of commitments statements, because i already saw that i am not actually applying myself, and so i didn't want to place in writing that which i already knew i will not stand as - and so, what i found here is that i have been writing corrective statements that are too "airy fairy" and not down to earth, and also not correlated to where i actually am within my process, like i would write commitments that i simply cannot stand as, setting myself up for failure - anyway, from airy fairy commitment i went to no commitments because i couldn't stand anymore writing them and knowing within myself that there is no chance of application, so now i am walking the process of stopping the resistance and pushing through as well as placing common sense and practical commitments that i can walk, that are grounded as to where i am in my process
i realize there was, and still is, self judgment towards "where i am in process" so this is another point to let go and not allow it to sabotage me - i guess i am learning to see the difference between the judgment that is me showing myself that i am being self dishonest and i better get my act together or i will live a life of shame, guilt and regret, and thus, i can use the self judgment as a tool, as an indication of where i must correct myself, so i can grow and expand and learn from it - and then there is the self judgment that it's only purpose is self punishment, self abuse, self diminishment, self sabotage - all within comparison to others, or to ideals i have created, whereas this self judgment is not valid as it is not supportive in anyway, and thus must be stopped.
so, here is some of my writing - i'll post it in sections as i continue walking / writing it out. i started with writing some points out for myself about wanting to change and walk this process but not wanting at the same time, and as i was writing about it all the reactions and resistances came up, so i had a cool opportunity to write about my experience in the moment, writing the resistance as the resistance was in my face. then i broke it down and added self forgiveness, and now i am writing for each self forgiveness statement a corrective statement, though in some cases more points open up...
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by what I "feel" like doing rather than directing myself according to principle as a directive decision
When and as I see myself going into the experience of "I feel like / I don't feel like" I stop myself and breathe, I realize I cannot trust myself within following what I feel / don't fee like because it is not within considering the actual reality, not considering myself and my best interest as life, and thus not considering what is best for all as life - I realize that within following what I feel / don't fee like I am compromising myself because it always leads to a path that is not self supportive in all ways, a path that is in some way self abusing and compromising / disregarding others, as it's an attempt of self interest, though it is only short term self interest, and so, I realize that by following what I feel / don't feel like, instead of following the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all life, and directing myself within self honesty, I am existing as the problem in this world and in my life, instead of standing as the solution, as a living example of how, if we all stop existing / following what we feel / don't feel like, and instead consider the physical reality, consider each other, and follow a principle that direct us to self support and support others as ourselves equally, to bring about a world that is best for all life, and exist as self honor, self respect instead of shame and regret.
Thus, I commit myself to, when I see myself going into the experience of wanting to do what I feel / don't feel like, I stop myself and breathe, I bring myself back here to the physical as my physical body within breathing, and I ask myself what would be more beneficial in the long run, what course of action would make me experience regret, what is aligned in self honesty / self responsibility and what is in self interest - and within considering all these points, I remind myself that I am worth walking through some resistance for
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled and directed by what I feel like or don't feel like doing, not realizing that I am allowing myself to be directed by the mind in self interest, as the interest of the mind, as I have realized and seen that when I follow my "what I feel like or don't feel like" it is never actually in my own self benefit as self support, it is always a short lived satisfaction followed by consequences of regret, guilt and shame, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my "feel like it and don't feel like it" instead of living within and as principle as the director of myself, within making a clear decision as to who I want to be and commit myself to myself, rather than allowing myself to follow blindly my mind, into self sabotage
when and as I see myself going into the experience / character of wanting to do only what I feel / don't feel like, I stop myself and breathe, I take a moment to look at the outflow / consequences of my actions (or lack of actions in the case of "I don't feel like), I ask myself in self honesty if this course of action will lead to shame, guilt and regret, and if the answer is yet, I commit myself to find another course of action that is aligned with who I am in self honesty, a course of action that is self empowering, self supportive and that is not harmful or abusive towards myself or others in any way. I realize that it will be hard at first, but the more I empower myself in not following what I feel / don't feel like, it will become easier, as I will become the directive principle of myself, as not following a random experience / thought / desire, but follow myself as who I really am, as walking a course of action that is actually in my best interest, and not in the interest of the mind as short term satisfactions generating energy and followed by the polarity of shame, guilt and regret.
Within this, I commit myself to "go easy" on myself, as to walk at my own pace, no expectations based on comparing myself to an ideal, but to actually walk in self honesty, and each day push more, but not push more than I can from a starting point of self judgment - and so, I commit myself to walk this process within gently embracing myself, as nurturing a struggling plant until it is standing stable as a strong tree
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk this process within the starting point of self, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to truly walk it for myself, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk it within the experience that I am being watched / judged and thus within fear of judgment, within fear of "what others will think about me" I allow myself to be motivated only when I know that someone will see if I don't do it, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing others in situations where I believe they would judge me or see me for my weakness, such as within my giving up, not realizing that it's not them that I need to explain myself to, it's myself, and they are only reflecting to me, as I am projecting on them, my own expectations, judgments and disappointments of and as myself.
*** this is a hard one for me- lots of resistance - back chat "how can I change from walking this for others to walking it for myself? How do I find that point of doing it for myself?"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the back chat as "how can I change from walking this for others to walking it for myself? How do I find that point of doing it for myself?" as the truth of me, and to believe that changing my starting point is something I don't know how to do, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect there to be a big and dramatic "doing" when it is actually a simple/small/delicate change in intention, there isn’t a doing besides making the decision within self and living it as self expression, it's a point of awareness, of intention, and so, the idea that I don't know how to do this cannot be real, because if I have it within myself to see the point as a problem / question, I must have it within me as directing my awareness as a solution
and so, when and as I see myself going into the experience character of walking this process / my life from any starting point other than for myself as myself as self support, I stop and breathe, I bring myself back here in breath to my physical body, I realign myself and check / ask myself why am I doing / about to do / not doing , what is my starting point, is it fear / desire / pleasing another / expectation, within this I commit myself to, as I stop and take a moment within breath to investigate myself here, to direct myself according to what I would do as self support, what would I do if I were the person that I want to become, as a self responsible self respectful being that supports oneself and all life equally as one - what would I do then?
I realize that any fear of judgment is reflecting my own self judgment, and thus, I can use the self judgment that comes up as an experience of being judged / watched, as a supportive tool within my process, as to allow myself to see what am I judging and within self honesty to make a clear decision whether this is a valid point as showing myself that I need to step up my application or it is not a valid point as it is within comparison and self diminishment - and so, when and as I see myself going into fear of judgment from others, I stop and breathe, I realize I am facing an opportunity of seeing myself as I am reflected within this judgment, and thus I stop and take a moment to look at the point in clarity and within breath, and allow myself to decide / chose a new course of action that will support me and will be aligned with the principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all life
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk my process within a starting point of self, as self support, as realizing that this is how I can give myself back to myself and rebirth myself as self honor / respect within taking self responsibility for / as myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of walking this process for and as myself I have been walking it in projecting my own self judgment onto others and fear that judgment, and thus walk within the attempt to avoided receiving this judgment from others, and thus only do that which others may see and judge, while not do that which is truly for myself, even though I see, and I know that I have not walked the point, yet I have created myself in separation of myself to a point where I do not see that it is me that I am walking for, and thus disregard my seeing of self, and only allow myself to be motivated / moved by others seeing me
I realize that any point within me is pointing out a relationship I am holding within myself, and am restricting / limiting myself within this relationship, as I exist in relation to the point, in separation of/from it - I realize that within walking my process in an attempt to avoid any judgment from others what I am showing myself is that I am not ready / willing to face my own self judgment, and I am actually hiding from it, from myself, and so, in a process to becoming one with myself, I must use all of myself that is here in order to see / face / know myself, and so, when and as I see myself doing anything within a starting point of what will others think of me, I stop myself and breathe, I ask myself within breath in self honesty, if I can do this within the starting point of self support as what is best for all life then I will go ahead and do it, and if there is no point of self support and it is only "for others" then I stop my participation - and so, I use the initial point of projected self judgment as a tool of self support, as to investigate what I am doing and participating within, and deliberately in awareness changing my starting point to be for / of / as self.
I realize I have been existing in an idea that this stuff should happen magically, I didn't consider myself as being directive, I didn't understand what it means, and now I see that it is a point of being here with myself, having my awareness here with myself as the physical, and so by asking myself questions I am bringing my awareness back here as the first step in making a directive decision and living it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of resistance due to reading an email with a suggestion for an assignment
I realize that when my relationship towards something changes due to reading an email it is not me directing myself in awareness but am allowing myself to be directed / controlled by the mind in energy, and so, as it is of the mind and not a physical fact / reality, I have the choice of participation, and so, I realize that such points are a point of transformation, as only by walking through the resistance of the mind will I claim my power back, and so it must be done - when and as I see clearly that my actions / experience is suddenly changed I know it is a mind reaction and thus I breathe and direct myself to continue with what I had planed / decided upon prior to the mind possession, and so, I either take a break to write and breathe and clear myself form the possession, or I simply push through in that moment - thus, when I see myself reacting, as changing my entire experience towards the situation / a point, I know I am not self directive but am allowing myself to be manipulated by the deceptions / self interest of the mind, and so I stop and breathe, focus on my breath, and direct myself to return here to myself as my physical body, as this is the highest priority - returning to myself in breath and stopping the back chat that is fueling the mind / energy - and so I stop and breathe and don't participate in back chat, I return here to my body in breath and breathe until I am stable to make a directive decision as to where / how to continue.
I have found that I always know that I am running away, as I am running away, and so the problem isn't noticing what I'm doing, the problem is to actually take the moment and breathe, and be strong enough to change the direction of my actions, and this strength comes from self care which will be built the more I care about myself - it's a loop the feeds itself - the more I care about myself and act in self support the more I will actually care and the more strength I will have for the next time,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to walk this process as to understand this point of why / how I am allowing myself to be directed by resistance, and yet not be willing to actually walk it, as, not be willing to take the time and walk the practical physical steps that it takes to accomplish the task, and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize the practical physical steps required to actually walk the point, and thus I allow myself to "oh, I want to do this" without taking into consideration and actually accepting the practical physical steps that are required to be walked, and so, when the steps are here for me to walk, as to sit and do the writing, and face myself, and breathe, and slow down, and open up… I resist it, because it isn't what I had signed up for, because I was living in an idea, as an illusion, of wanting things and hoping that just through wanting they will manifest magically, and thus not be ready to actually walk the point into creation.
I realize that anything that is to be walked in the physical will have to be walked through a process in space time, and thus, nothing will be immediate as magic, which is a cool indication as to recognize what is real and what is of the mind, for what is real will take time as a physical process, whereas within the mind I can go from happy to sad without any process just by being triggered in a moment - and so, when and as I see myself or my relationship to the situation or another being change in a moment, I stop myself and breathe, I realize it is a mind trick and is not real as a physical change, it cannot be trusted and thus I mustn't participate with it as an act of self integrity, and on the other hand, when I see a point requires time, effort and attention within a physical real time/space reality process, I may investigate if this is a point worth walking, because it has "past the test" of realness as it is aligned with physicality as a process that actually takes time and effort - when and as I am faced with walking a point that requires time, effort, dedication I realize this is something real and as such, deserves my investigation of whether to participate or not, and if I decide to participate it is within realizing that anything worth doing will take time, effort, dedication, as that is how the physical moves
*** this point is hard for me - unclear - resistance!!!!!!! I am totally restless!!!!
I am breathing, did a handstand -now I continue
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let myself be directed and distracted by this background noise of resistance as discomfort, instead of directing myself within force and not stopping until I push this resistance away
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing any excuse to be valid as a justification to take a break and stop, not realizing that every time I give in to excuses / distractions / justifications I am setting the bar higher, and next time I will have to walk through a greater excuse / justification, as this will not end until I end it - and so I realize if I want to stop dancing this dance with resistance, I must stop playing it hard to get and actually stating a clear and steady NO. (lol, I like the analogy)
I realize as long as I don't stop and direct myself it will only get harder and harder, I realize it will be hard and painful and thus to support myself in pain and discomfort I have breath, and so when and as I experience pain and discomfort I within breath see if I am resisting something of what I am doing or intending to do, and if I see there is a point of resistance, and that my physical body is expressing this resistance for me to see, I push myself to continue in breath, despite the discomfort, as I have directed myself to do so, and then once I am done or satisfied I am done for the moment, then I investigate the point of resistance. Or, if the discomfort is overwhelming, I stop what I'm doing and investigate the resistance as the expression of discomfort / pain in that very moment, as to find the source / reason and clear myself form it so that I can continue.
Now, lets see if I can do this now - my legs are giving me great discomfort - this is the main excuse coming up within me as to not continue writing - the last statement I was working with was in regards to actually physically doing what needs to be done in the physical, as for instance sitting by the computer for hours and actually being focused and effective, it's a point of grounding myself, as not to stay in the fantasy of desire / good idea, but actually come down to earth and do what it physically takes to get this point done in reality, it's a slowing down and coming down from the cloud, it's a point of laziness - so, it's a combination of not wanting to let go the fun of getting excited about ideas as well as not wanting to let go the laziness as an excuse to not manifest these ideas, as I want to manifest them but do not want to commit myself for the effort - so the resistance is not wanting to let this go - do I enjoy this construct? No I don't! why not? Because I end up doing nothing, I am a bitch to my resistance, so I am a dreamer and not a doer, always wanting and having ideas that I can't create because I have never allowed myself to physically build the bridge.
This point has been a major issue for me, I always lived within a self definition that I lack the ability / intelligence / skill to build the bridge that will bring me from the idea to the manifestation of it. And now I see that this construct that I have accepted as myself even though it has brought me much suffering and frustration, I do not want to let go of - who will I be if I am capable of building this bridge? Why am I terrified of the idea of not existing in these limitations, why do I feel like these limitations protect me in any way - like there is something scary of being a success, being capable - it's like there is an inner knowing that if I let this down I will have no excuse and will be able to do anything - and this thought freaks me out.
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Tuesday, January 15, 2013
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that other conversations are probably more interesting / funny than the one I am having, and within this belief I experience myself as missing out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divert my attention to other conversations in the area while I'm engaged in a conversation with someone, within an attempt to hear what they are talking about, because it must be something interesting that I am missing out on, and thus I focus my attention in trying to hear what's being said around me and am not here within the conversation that I am actually having
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually be here, present, and listen to the person I am engaged in conversation with, because I am focusing my attention out there, on other conversation, within the belief that I am missing out on something better
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to actually be here within the conversation that I am having, and thus am not actually listening to the person, and thus cannot actually have a decent conversation, because I am not here in my totality, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat our conversation as boring and unimportant, within not considering the other person in the conversation, while acting in a way that doesn't consider them, doesn't respect them, acting in a way I wouldn't want to have done to me, thus not following the principle of "do onto another that which you want them to do onto you" but actually living as the opposite, as I do to them that which I do not want to be done to me, as I wouldn't want someone to talk to me while looking for the next and better conversation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally and be insulted if while talking with someone they are busy looking for the next more interesting conversation instead of being here in their totality, within this I realize that I have been taking it personally because I didn't understand the construct of it within and as myself, as if I were to understand myself, as why I do the very same thing, I would know it isn't personal but comes towards me, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become insulted instead of taking the opportunity to investigate myself within the point as such behavior, as to see why I do it myself
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the experience of missing out, which causes me to focus on other conversations instead of being here within the one I am having, is showing me that I am not content within and as myself, as I am looking for something out there to fulfill me, instead of realizing that nothing out there can fulfill me if I am not giving self fulfillment to myself as the living expression as who I am.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the very experience of not being fulfilled / content with myself is created and generated by the mind through my participation, within this I haven't allowed myself to see that the experience of not being content, in peace, within and as myself, and thus the experience of missing out, is a result of my participation in the mind as I believe the thoughts, back chat, memories, ideas that come up as voices in my head, directing me to take action as searching for the next and better conversation, instead of allowing myself to stop myself within breath, and to remain here, within and as myself, and as I breathe I realize I am here, and all that there is - is here, thus there is no point to look for anything anywhere out there
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that when a conversation is ot interesting, and when I am experiencing myself missing out on the better conversation going on out there, I am actually separating myself from / as myself, I am separating myself from the reality of here as I am judging it as boring / not good enough, instead of being here in my totality, within and as breath, without judgments of the mind, I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding that without the judgments, thoughts, back chat of the mind I could simply be here in the moment, enjoying the conversation I am having in peace
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the perceived circumstances be the directive principle of me, instead of directing myself and taking self responsibility for my experience in each and every moment, thus not to believe the idea that I will find fulfillment out there through a better conversation, but to direct myself and become equal and one with fulfillment here, as who I am in every moment
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that as I am focusing on other conversation within fear of missing out instead of being here within and as the conversation I am having - I am actually missing out on myself, I am missing out on this very breath, which is all that there is, thus, I am missing out on life, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my participation with the fear of missing out is that which is creating myself as actually missing out on myself
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Sunday, January 13, 2013
this blog follows the previous blog, i invite you to read it as well
I realize that holding on to my opinion in an argument causes inner and external conflict and does not stand within the principle of equality and oneness, as the reason for me to hold on in energy to my opinion is within self interest within the desire to be right, I realize that within holding on to my opinion I am not allowing myself to be open and actually listen to what is being said by others and thus am limiting myself from expanding and learning from others and preventing from myself and the rest in the situation to perfect the solution as a combined effort of all involved, within this I commit myself to, when and as I see myself holding on to my opinion, I stop myself and breathe, I allow myself to listen to what is being said and instead of repeating my opinion within the desire to convince, I rather ask questions to actually genuinely try to understand what others are saying in order to come to an agreement that is actually best for all in common sense and not just to fight for my opinion in self interest
I realize that by not actually saying what I have to say within trying to avoid an argument, I am actually creating miscommunication as I am not allowing myself to be clear and direct due to fear of conflict within the idea that arguments/conflicts are bad, I realize that it's not about arguments being good or bad, it's about who I am within them, and thus, if I fight for my opinion the argument will become a war zone, but if I am here in stability and stating directly what I want to say, and there is disagreement and an argument, then that is fine, as we learn to perfect our communication each in their own process, but until then, argument will be part of allowing one self to express oneself regardless of people disagreeing, as this is a point of standing up, not within energy as the desire to be right, but within self honesty as allowing free self expression. Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself from expressing myself within fear of conflict and disagreement, I realize the fear is based on being shut down by others but what I have been doing is shutting myself down, and thus, I commit myself to, when and as I see myself stopping myself from expressing myself from fear of conflict / disagreement, I breathe and stop the back chat of fear, I check myself to see that I am not reacting, and allow myself to speak up, as I realize that only by actually physically walking through the fear of conflict will I be able to prove to myself that I am over it and can stand stable and direct myself and not be directed by fear and thus not allow fear dictate who I am within a conversation
I realize that by suppressing myself from actually saying what it is I have to say I am creating unnecessary back chat within me and inner conflict as I keep repeating in my mind what I could have and should have said but didn't, thus I realize that within the principle of prevention as the best cure, it would be most supportive to actually say what I have to say and trust myself to stand in the face of any disagreement if it comes up, within this I see that I fear disagreement as I take it personally, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take disagreement personally within believing that it's not my statement that is rejected but me, I commit myself to support myself through speaking up and if disagreement come up I commit myself to breathe and not allow myself to go into the mind within reaction as back chat, within this, I commit myself to stay silent when and as I see myself going into reaction because I see, realize and understand that speaking from within energetic reaction causes conflict and consequences, so better to sort it out with myself, as to walk the self forgiveness in regards my reaction, and bring up the point if and when I see fit when I trust myself to be clear, and not react in taking it personally if / when a disagreement come up
I realize that by allowing myself to be directed by the fear of conflict I am actually creating conflict in my life, thus, when and as I see myself keeping quiet or manipulating my words within fear of conflict, I commit myself to take a few deep breaths, and push myself to walk through the fear, because I realize that only through pushing myself to walk through the fear within self direction will I build self trust and in time, within the accumulation effect, I will rid myself from the fear of conflict because I have proven to myself that I can stand within it, and thus, I realize that only by walking through the fear in actual physicality will I be able to transcend the point of fear that I have allowed to direct me, and stand in stability and self trust as what is best for all
I realize that other people may be holing on to their opinions within energy, thus, when and as I see myself facing a being that is holding on to their opinion, I make sure I don't participate as not allowing myself to try to convince within wanting to prove my point, thus, when and as I am faced with a being that is holding on to their opinion and is closed off from listening to any common sense, I make sure I am here in stability and breathing, I say what I have to say, but do not engage in an argument as it would be counter productive and only ignite more energy and can become nasty, thus in such situations I remove myself from the argument / discussion as I have nothing to prove and will not allow myself to go into the same state of mind as fighting for my opinion, thus, when and as I see someone else holding on to their opinion, I take it as an opportunity to check myself and make sure I am standing here, in breath, in stability, and can in any moment leave the conversation within going into energy of lose, as that would indicate that I was as well holding onto my desire to be right, and if so, I commit myself to walk the self forgiveness and invite the next situation to correct myself within in the physical, within this, I see the pattern within myself as going into superiority for being the stable one, and for the other to be in reaction, thus, when and as I see myself going into such an experience, I stop myself and breathe, I allow myself to be humble as this being has allowed myself to see another piece of my own puzzle that I might have missed if it wasn't due to their reaction, thus I commit myself to stop any superiority and integrate an expression of gratefulness towards them and towards myself for allowing myself to see the reaction as superiority coming up within me.
I realize this construct of opinion, conflict and arguments has many layers that are intertwined, and I see within me the pattern of becoming overwhelmed within creating ideas that I should have stopped already holding on to opinions before I can speak up, but I realize this is a mind manipulation, I realize that I will speak from energy as holding on to opinions in order to actually speak up and push through the fear of conflict, I realize I will make many mistakes along the way as I realize this is a process, and I will not magically change over night, as I have created myself as all these constructs over many years, and it will take many years for me to repeat the correction over and over until I have integrated it as myself, thus, I commit myself to not allow the mind to distract me from walking this point through presenting all the things I am doing wrong and have not yet transcended, because I realize that I must make these mistakes in order for me to stand up from them and correct myself accordingly - thus, I embrace any mistake I make as a gift of showing me another piece of the puzzle of myself, to piece by piece put myself back together again to become one and equal within and as myself, and through knowing myself, through allowing myself to make many mistakes within this process, I will empower myself and build self trust, self respect, and become self directive, as I realize that only through learning myself in self honesty and correcting myself, mistake after mistake, will I be sure to never again make the same mistake.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I fear conflict and thus do not allow myself to state what I have to say there is self dishonesty within it, as there is a point of self interest within my holding onto my opinion that I have not allowed myself to see, within this I realize that I have been hiding the point of self interest from myself and especially from others, as to seem nice and considerate, and to do so I have allowed myself to manipulate my words to seem like a win-win solution when in fact I have my self interest in mind, thus, when and as I see myself manipulating my world to seem more nice, I stop myself immediately and breathe, I realize I am hiding self interest other wise I would have allowed myself to speak directly, thus I see that going around and about the point I want to say indicates hidden self interest, and due to lack of effective communication causes conflict and friction, within this I commit myself to when and as I see myself going around the point, to stop myself and breathe, to investigate there and then what is the self interest I am hiding, and to allow myself to let it go and align myself with that which is best for all, within this
I realize that I might not be able to let it go there and then without further self investigation as writing and self forgiveness, and thus, in such situations, I commit myself to stop myself and breathe, and to express to the other being what I am really trying to achieve, within this realizing that I am not doing so within the starting point of actually getting it, but rather from a starting point of clearing the air, to be able to continue the conversation as I realize that when I am within energy and speaking to another I am influencing them, and thus am responsible for the reaction within and as them, within this I realize that once I see my self interest, sharing it with the other being, if appropriate, can support them to release the energy that might have been building up, and so we can start a fresh page in communication.
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Wednesday, January 2, 2013
This is a continuation from my previous blogs:
Day 129 – Self Judgment – Part 1
Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 – Appearance
Day 131 - Self judgment - Part 3 – Appearance - Part 2
and for those that are interested in further self support in regards to self image please visit this blog, as it is walked through is specificity, self honesty, and self support: http://malingunilla.blogspot.com
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in self rejection/hatred due to not living up to the ideal image I have created in my mind, and thus allow myself to abuse myself through self rejection/hatred due to not looking like an image, not realizing that within doing so I am diminishing myself as a living multidimensional being into a one dimensional image, and within diminishing myself to a one dimensional image judge myself as not looking like the image in my mind, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am not an image, and I am not defined by the way I look but rather by who I am within myself, within my application, within who I am in my relationship to myself as my physical body, and not what my physical body looks like, thus if I accept and allow myself to judge myself for my appearance, that is who I am, equal to my acceptance and allowance as self judgment, as separation of myself as my physical body - thus, I realize it's not about changing my appearance, but rather changing my relationship to and as myself, to become the living expression of self acceptance, of self love, of self honor and self respect, to become one and equal to and as my physical body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore my physical body as a living being, as the chamber that allows me life within the obsession of my appearance, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be grateful and honor my physical body unconditionally as the chamber in which I live in, as what allows me my physical existence in the physical, and instead I have only judged it within my desire to look a certain way and my physical body not molding itself into my desire, within this I realize that my physical body is real, here as the physical, where as my desire to look a certain way is based on the mind as an illusion, as the acceptance of a beaut ideal that has not passed the test of time, as it changes in each generation, in every new trend and fashion, thus, I realize that my body not molding itself into my desire has given me the opportunity to see my desire for what it is, to realize that I have been existing in my mind as the obsession as self judgment towards my appearance, as creating inner conflict and friction in my life, and within seeing this through the support of my physical body as not following my desire I can now change myself within taking self responsibility for who I am, and stopping myself as the mind, as the illusions my desires have been following.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within believing I should look like the image in my mind, I have validated and supported and justified through my acceptance and allowance the existence eating disorders which are actually a reflection of myself as I do not accept myself within and as my physical body, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my self judgment within the fact that I do not have an eating disorder because I have never crossed that line, but I haven't realized that I am participating in the same construct as I do not allow myself to accept myself as the physical body I exist within as do beings with an actual extensive eating disorder, thus, by participating in self judgment towards my physical appearance I am in fact participating in and validating eating disorders.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see my physical body through the eyes but through the mind, as the eyes see without judgment while the mind interprets and places judgment within self interest as a way to blind self from actually seeing through the eyes the physical reality which is here, as the mind act in self interest in disregard of the physical body and the physical existence as a whole and thus exists as self judgment to create inner friction and conflict to generate energy consumed from the physical, though this is hidden behind the accepted blinding effect of the mind, as placing the attention on the illusion as appearance instead of reality as what is really going on here on earth, as I have been spending my time caring about my appearance while ignoring the actual atrocities as abuse and suffering that is happening all around me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disease not within concern to my body's functionality, comfort and well being but within concern to my appearance, how will I look like if I have this or that condition, thus having it all in reverse asi have been ignoring what really matters as matter, as the function of the physical, as the condition of the earth while giving all my attention to myself in self interest within the desire to look in a specific way , I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disease from a starting point of fear of judgment due to the consequence of the disease as a change in my appearance while ignoring myself within and as the physical body, as the discomfort, pain, suffering, weakness and within this ignoring all the pain and suffering that exist in the world, within this dismissing the opportunity to heal myself and existence as a whole because I have accepted and allowed myself to put all my attention on what I will look like and what people will think of me as a construct of the mind and not on reality as the physical, not through judging it but through practically considering what is best for all life, including my physical body, and acting on it within self honesty and common sense.
I commit myself to stop my participation with judgment of appearance towards myself and towards others, I commit myself, when and as I see myself going into self judgment or judgment towards others, to stop and breathe, to come back to myself as the physical within and as breath and stop my participation within and as the mind, I commit myself to use the self judgment as an opportunity to return to myself within and as breath, thus, when I see myself in a moment of self judgment, I stop and breathe, I stop the thoughts, I stop the back chat, I return here to and as the physical as myself, and I do this time and time again until self judgment is not directing me as my experience of myself, within this I commit myself to write down to myself the specific back chat and specific self judgment that come up, and to walk a process of self forgiveness in self honesty, within realizing that I am harming myself as the physical body while participating in self judgment, and in that allowing harm and abuse of the physical in all it's dimensions and levels, thus I realize that any change must start with self, and thus I commit myself to through walking the process of writing, self forgiveness and self correction in practicality to be a living example that self judgment can be stopped
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
This blog is continuing from the previous blog:
Day 79 - The lowest point
Day 80 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Mistakes – Part 1
Day 81 - "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character – Fear dimension - Failure – Part 2
This blog is a part of the "I don't like being corrected / told what to do" character dimension series. Opening up within self forgiveness fear of failure
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within/as fear of failure and to within this allow myself to be directed by this fear, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and participate within the construct of failure, I forgive myself for accepting and allow define projects/activities as failure based on their outcome, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify myself with the outcome of the project/activity where I define myself as a failure due to an outcome that I have defined as a failure, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define failure as bad/negative and thus when I experience myself as failing I experience myself within a negative energy through/within defining myself as bad/wrong/stupid/a failure
I commit myself to let go the negative attachment I have towards failure, within that I commit myself to stop myself from creating a self definition of failure as self diminishment based on the outcome of a project/activity, I commit myself to apply common sense through investigating the situation in it's entirety, to come to a self directive decision, and thus through living as the directive principle to stop myself from the self diminishment/giving up within defining myself as a failure, but rather to allow myself to learn/expand from the situation/mistake and apply myself within the principle of what is best for all within equality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define failure as the 'end' as an irreversible verdict, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the construct of failure as a self manipulation tactic to give up on what I am doing and within that give up on myself, I forgive myself for not realizing that the experience of failure is created by myself as a justification to give up, instead of seeing that it is the giving up within self diminishment that has created/manifested the construct of failure that in turn supports/excuses/justifies the construct of giving up, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a failure is an end point and thus within that I believe that it's lost, it has failed, I have failed and it's the end, thus cannot be changed, and within this I haven't allowed myself to see/realize that it is in fact up to me, up to me from perspective of taking/being the directive principle and within common sense as a self directive decision I can decide if to pursue the project/activity further or not, through looking at the practicality of the situation, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be consumed as the character of giving up within self diminishment as not believing that I am able, and thus do not have a choice to pursue/continue a project, and thus allowing myself to fail due to my own self belief of incompetency.
I commit myself to write myself to freedom, one point at a time, and forgive myself as I have allowed myself to exist as self diminishment as believing in the limitations I've created myself as within my mind, thus I commit myself to stop myself within/as breath as I see myself participating in thoughts of self diminishment as believing I am unable/not good enough, and instead to take/do the physical actions necessary to make myself able, as learning/studying/practicing the practical application in time/space in order to get me to a point of ability, thus not allowing myself to be directed by self diminishment, but to push myself through the limitations I have allowed myself to exist as, and allow myself to expand/grow/learn/apply/change myself as what is best for all, within this I realize that self diminishment is a mind created construct to keep me enslaved/trapped within the boundaries of my comfort zone, thus not allowing myself to change, thus I commit myself to push through my limitations and support myself with writing/self forgiveness as I see all the specific points I have defined myself as "I can't do it" and within breath, and through looking at the practical physical evidence support myself as life, to bring myself to a point that I am standing stable and able
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define failure as bad, as what I was taught through the schooling system, and instead to realize "failure" as a stepping stone for expansion, as through learning from mistakes I can perfect myself and my application and find more effective solutions/ways to correct/apply myself within the situation/event/project, thus I realize that the only thing in my way is me, through believing/thinking/feeling that I can't push through, through defining myself as not able, and thus accepting failure as an option, as a possibility, where as if I stop myself as the mind, as thoughts/feelings/beliefs that I am unable, there will nothing to stop me, as only I as the limitation of the mind am stopping myself and thus believing myself as a failure, thus I commit myself to write down all the points of self belief/definition of limitation, and walk them through self forgiveness, and as a practical living application, I commit myself to stop myself within breath as these thoughts/feelings/beliefs of self diminishment come up, and not allow myself to participate with them, until I am standing stable and am not directed by the mind as self limitation/diminishment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define something as a failure based on the outcome instead of investigating the starting point and within this I commit myself to aligning myself as my starting point to that which is best for all within any project/activity to then not judge the outcome but allow myself to see the "bigger picture" and thus as I include this part of evaluating/investigating the situation as an integral part of the situation I cannot define it as a failure because it is still ongoing as a learning process, within this I realize that through looking at the starting point of any activity/project I can get much more insight as to what went wrong rather then looking through a tunnel vision at the outcome alone, within this, I commit myself to allow myself to correct my starting point to be aligned with what is best for all within the understanding that only that which is best for all can actually bring a result that is not considered a failure by anyone, because it is best for all and not based on self interest to create bias of the understanding of a situation, within this I realize that failure is simply an opinion, and is not based on reality as the physical, thus
I commit myself to look at everything through the principle of equality as what is best for all, and from this lens to evaluate situations/events/projects and to conclude the most effective way to approach/continue it, not based on self interest feelings/beliefs but based on real physical reality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my self diminishment through defining a project/activity as a failure and within that to define myself as a failure due to the evidence of the project failing, within this I commit myself to let go through writing, self forgiveness and corrective statement, of all the self definition I have allowed myself to exist as because I see/realize that these self definitions are limiting me, through allowing myself to justify them by altering my perception of reality to suit my definition of self, even if is self abusive by nature, as self diminishment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the polarity of failure/success and within allowing myself to accept and participate within the failure/success polarity I have allowed myself to assess the situation and evaluate if I am to be a failure or success and within that I have allowed myself to attempt to win at any cost while disregarding those around me because I fear failing and would do anything to succeed or in other situations would simply give up due to self diminishment, thus allowing myself to bounce from one end of the polarity to the other, within this I commit myself to let go the energetic charge I hold towards failure/success and to allow myself to see the situation within the simplistically of the actual physical evidence within common sense and the principle of what is best for all
I commit myself to when I see myself turning to the experience of failure, stop and breathe, and to make a directive decision in that moment through evaluating the situation within it's physical context, and within the principle of equality as what is best for all, thus to stop any energetic reaction that may direct me and be the directive principle as creating myself as who I want to be and not how I have designed myself to be through the mind as feeding off the energy of failure/success, but to simply look at what needs to be done and walk it in breath
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Thursday, November 1, 2012
This blog is a follow up from my previous blog
Day 69 - Friendship - Part 11 – Spitefulness – Part 1
Day 70 - Spitefulness - Part 2 - Self Forgiveness
Day 71 - Spitefulness - Part 3 - Self Commitments
Day 72 – Spitefulness – Part 4 – More Characters – Self Forgiveness
Day 73 - Spitefulness - Part 5 – Self Commitments
Day 74 - Spitefulness - Part 6 - Self Forgiveness
Day 75 - Spitefulness - Part 7 - Self Commitments
Day 76 - Spitefulness - Part 8 – Both Sides of the Coin - Self Forgiveness
Day 77 – Spitefulness – Self Realization
NOTE - This specific blog was written as an ongoing self support writing, as I was writing my daily blogs in regards to spitefulness, I'm posting it here as the final blog in the series, for the time being.
I've been opening up the point of spitefulness, but I see I cannot yet actually forgive it because I am still not allowing myself to see it without judging it. Thus I will dedicate this blog to defuse the self judgment regarding spitefulness, so that I can actually face the point within self honesty, here as breathe, and walk it through forgiveness.
I've been hurting myself all day, bumping into things, and creating pain within/as my physical body as myself. Is this how I am punishing myself, now that I see the evil I have become? I realize I am yet to actually see the evil as myself in it's totality, but I realize it exist within me, thus, I have allowed myself to be the judge of myself and now sentencing myself with the punishment as pain - but what do I get out of it? Is that how I would treat a child that I found out was nasty and evil? No. I would find out why, I would ask them to share all the points in detail so that we can walk them together and find new solutions/ways of action to exist in/as, I would support them to see their ways and to change. judging or punishing them would achieve nothing.
i commit to treat myself as i would treat a child to allow myself the innocence of a child, within realizing that I deserve to be embraced as a child because I never actually grew up into adulthood from perspective of actually learning how to effectively walk this life - so I'm learning now, for the first time, like a child, through allowing myself to see what I have done, who I have allowed myself to exist as, and to change, within the principle of innocence as equality and oneness, as finding the way to exist that is in fact best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being spiteful not realizing that by judging myself I am creating another character/dimension/system, and not actually supporting myself in changing the pattern/character of spitefulness, but rather hiding it from myself through self judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for all the spiteful memories that have been coming up, instead of taking them one by one, and allowing myself to investigate them within self honesty, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being nasty towards beings in my life, lying to them, abusing them, not supporting them, using them as a tool to feel strong and powerful at their expense within disregarding them as life, disregarding them as living beings that walk this earth and are in fact my equals
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being spiteful because I have created myself as the main personality as being a nice/good person and thus I realize that within walking the point of myself as spiteful I will have to let go of the nice/good personality that I have believed myself to be if I am to admit to being spiteful, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my own self created personalities, that I have sculptured myself as through the years within self interest as I have realized that it is the most effective personality for me to exist as within the society I come from, and thus I forgive myself for not allowing myself to let go of the nice/good personality that I have put in so much energy to create and maintain, because I fear not being a nice/good person, who will I be if I am not nice/good. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the nice /good act as a character because I have learnt from those around me that that is the way for me to get that which I want which is to be loved/approved/appreciated/accepted, and within where I come from, to get that one must be a nice/good person, thus within opening up the spiteful character I fear losing myself as the nice/good person, not allowing myself to stand up and face the fact that the nice/good person I believe myself to be is but an illusion, an act, a character, made up by myself and thus there is nothing really to lose because it has never really been me in fact, it has always just been an act.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being spiteful and within the judgment I have allowed myself to go into shame due to the spiteful thoughts as back chat I have been participating within and hiding from the eyes of all, including myself, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use judgment/shame to keep me trapped/enslaved to the mind as the characters and personalities I have created myself as and now within believing myself to be them, not wanting to let them go in fear, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go the personalities because I fear losing myself and within this fear I am anxious about what demons will emerge if I let go the act of being a nice/good person, within believing myself to be a nice/good person I have existed as/within a polarity and thus I fear losing the positive side of the polarity due to the fear of falling into the negative side, not realizing that by letting go both sides of the polarity I, as self, remain, so within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go the polarity of good/bad and thus trap myself in the fear of letting go the good and falling into bad, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself within separation of myself as not knowing who I am and thus fearing of what will emerge if I am to let go the act, and expose myself to myself within the back chat/hidden mind
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I do in fact know myself as the demon of spitefulness, but will not allow myself to actually look at it due to accepting myself as the character of judgment, not realizing that only through letting go the judgment and allowing myself to face myself can I start moving/directing myself into self change as that which is best for all within equality and oneness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live/exist as self judgment and thus, within judging myself for who I am, I have created a belief within me that I must act like a good/nice personality/character in order to be worthy of living, not realizing that within allowing myself to participate in expressing myself through a character I have diminished myself time and time again to further believe that I must hide as who I am because if I just allow myself to be me I will not be loved/approved/validated/accepted, within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize that by participating in self judgment I am in fact recreating over and over the pattern of self judgment, not realizing that through living as it I am making the pattern stronger and myself as life as self expression weaker, within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself through self judgment, not realizing the cycle of self diminishment I am allowing myself to exist as through my participation within/as self judgment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must be loved/approved/validated/accepted in order to survive and thus have allowed myself to compromise myself within the starting point of believing I am not worthy for acceptance, not realizing that the only one who I really need/want to accept me, in order to be able to survive, is me, and thus, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept/love me, because I have always judged myself as not good enough, and not worthy, within this I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself within/as spitefulness, even though that is in fact who/what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and thus, I sabotage myself through sabotaging any chance of self realization and change, because if I do not accept myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become as spitefulness, how will I ever be able to forgive myself within embracing myself as life and making a commitment to change, I realize that only through real self honest self forgiveness will I be able to humbly see myself as the fuck up that I am, as spitefulness/evil, and to from seeing who/what I am to walk the process of self change, within this I realize that without allowing myself to initially accept myself within the realization that I have created myself as such because I didn't know any better, and now that I do, I can do what is required to change, within this I realize that now, knowing/seeing this point, if I still don't do what it takes to change, which is to let go the judgment and move on in self correction, then I know I am in fact spiteful towards myself for not allowing myself to do what it takes within deliberate self sabotage, because now I am that much more responsible, thus, I know I must let go the judgment/shame, and go deep, and allow myself to see myself within realizing that I am a organic robot, a system, and not to take it personally, I am here now, as self directive principle, walking myself into life, into change. So I realize there is no point hitting myself over the head for what is in the past and cannot be changed, the only practical thing to do, is to see it for what it is, and allow myself to move through it as self acceptance, as myself without separation
I realize that I must accept myself as spitefulness, as the evil of all evil, I must be willing to see all those evil/nasty/dark parts of me within self honesty and thus no judgment, because all is one - evil exists and spitefulness exists, so it exists as me and I exist as it, as long as I don't allow myself to see me as the evil of all evils I am separating myself from all that is here, as murder, rape, starvation, manipulation, abuse, greed, gossip, blame - I am all that, all that exists in me, and I must allow myself to see this, to actually see it as myself as self realization so that I can figure out how I designed myself as it, so that I know how/why/when I do it, so that I can stop myself and change. I realize that if I don't allow myself to investigate myself as all the evil that I see exists in the world, it would mean I am shutting my eyes, I am not willing to be part of it - but I am part of it.
I know I am courageous enough to face this point, I am here, that's all that I really need, I am here, I don't need the appreciation/acceptance/validation of any one, all I need is to breathe here and move myself, and see myself as all the evil that I have participated within, as all the evil that exist, so that I can learn from it, so that I can change myself, so that I can show others that which I have learned and changed and they can also learn and change, so that we can all stop fucking around within/as spitefulness/evil, as we create a world of abuse/suffering, and start living as support of all as equals and create a heaven on the earth that we share.
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Friday, September 7, 2012
I arrived last night at the desteni farm, and already many points have
opened up. I'm doing my best to digest it all and move through it all,
reminding myself that it takes time, and all I can do is walk one point at a
time, one breath at a time…
I've been saying this to myself "one point/breath/step at a
time" as a mantra, but in actuality haven't been walking, so I see I have
set up the idea that it will all take time as an excuse, and I see it because I
have been doing close to nothing about pushing/changing/walking points within
myself. Of course it's common sense that the points I see within myself will
not walk themselves, within this I realize that all points within myself have
to be self-directed by/as myself, which
means that I have to actually walk through the points as myself in order for
myself to change myself within/as the points that I see within me… This small point of insight has been coming back
again and again, and it seems so obvious yet even though I've known this, I've done
nothing about it, still within the hope that things will move and change
without me having to change or move…
Today at breakfast during a conversation some of us had, I realized that
I am the creator of myself, my thoughts, and the prison cage I am living in. It
was then pointed out that I am powerful enough to have created all of this but ironically
still believe myself to be weak and powerless. It was also pointed out that I
am so powerful that I am powerful enough to disregard all life, and within that
to disregard and abuse myself as life, through allowing myself to be directed
by thoughts and, through these thoughts, to create massive abuse in many shapes
and forms, as we can plainly see exist in all aspects of the world and of life,
as well as the "personal abuse" allowed to exist in my privet world
and relationships.
What was interesting is that at the time this was discussed and shown to
me, my back chat went on and on about "but if I am the creator and am
responsible for all that is here, then everybody else is equally the creator
and thus is equally responsible for what is here – so why don't THEY fix it all
up".
It was fascinating to see how fast from the moment of seeing my
responsibility I went to find excuses to get me out of it, to have someone else
share responsibility with me, someone else to blame if it all goes wrong –
anything but allowing myself to stand within self-trust and take
responsibility.
What a foreign concept - standing up, trusting myself, taking
self-responsibility… is this really who I want to be? Do I really want to be someone that these
concepts are distant and seem impossible?
It's so easy to go into self-doubt and convince myself I can't do it and
that it would actually be best for all to count on someone else to get this
world sorted out…
it's so easy to not make any effort and keep on complaining and crying
about how hard and unfair life is, while still not doing the minimum effort that
it takes in order to change anything - the minimum being changing myself,
taking responsibility for myself only, figuring out why/how I do what I do,
checking and changing my own starting point of action to actually consider
life, to actually consider myself as life, to actually respect myself enough to
allow myself to give myself the gift of life, instead of remaining a lifeless robot
directed by everything and anything around me only for the sake of not taking
self-responsibility and hiding a life time behind blame and excuses based on
fear.
This way of life is not only "not best for all", but is
actually not even best for me. So who's interest am I obeying by not changing?
Who is the beneficiary of me remaining as I am, not willing to change? What am
I protecting? Why am I not allowing myself to change? Why do I believe that
change is so hard and even impossible yet I talk about it and preach it to
others expecting them to believe my words, hoping they will be the ones that
save us all? Why do I hope and expect others to get it done, trusting they can
do it instead of doing it myself, or trusting myself? How can I expect anything
to change if I am not willing to change myself?
Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use "one step
at a time" as an excuse that things happen slowly and thus I don't have to
push myself here in this very moment but I can wait "cause things take
time" not realizing that only I can change/move myself in every moment
through self-direction, within that I forgive myself for not accepting and
allowing myself to realize that the time it takes for self /points to
move/change is not accumulated by the minutes that have gone by, but by the
self-directed actions and movement taken in a moment, thus realizing that if I
don't push myself to change nothing with happen "in time" and only
through actually pushing/moving myself one step at a time, one breath at a
time, will I slowly but surely change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope that things
will change on their own without me having to do anything about it, within that
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope I will change
without having to actually do anything about it. I forgive myself that I've
accepted and allowed myself to rely on hope instead of practical common sense
within the realization and understanding that no one will change me but myself
and thus I must stand as self-directive principle and will myself to push
myself to change myself to birth myself as life from the physical
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I am
weak and powerless, and thus not able to change anything within my environment
including myself, and within that allowing myself to be directed by everything
and anything that is around me, not realizing that I have deliberately given
away my power as self-manipulation to not have to stand up and take
self-responsibility within the belief/idea that I am better off pretending to
be weak and powerless than to actually stand up for/as life
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manipulate
myself into believing myself to be weak and powerless instead of realizing the
power I do in fact have as/within myself as life and to investigate the power
as myself and learn to apply myself as powerful within the principle of what is
best for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my power to
disregard and abuse myself as life within manipulating myself to believe that I
am powerless, instead of accepting myself as life realizing the power I have as
myself and allowing myself to stand up for myself as life to stop all abuse
that I have been accepting through not stopping due to believing I am powerless
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a
concept/idea about 'power', and within that to separate myself from 'power' as
the concept I have defined it as, thus only allowing myself to believe myself
as weak and powerless, instead of investigating and changing the definition I
have given power, to allow myself to
live the 'power' as myself and not be directed by the resistance I have towards
'power' as a mind created concept.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do everything in
my ability to avoid taking self-responsibility thus accepting the construct of
not taking self-responsibility to exist within/as myself and thus within/as all
of existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate
myself/others/the situation in order to get out of taking self-responsibility
and thus not doing that which I know is necessary to be done, and within that
accepting and allowing the construct of self-interest based manipulation to
exist
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize
and understand the consequential outflow of allowing myself to participate in
self-interest manipulation due to the desire to not have to take
self-responsibility, and within that I have not allowed myself to realize that
weather I take it or not, I am in fact responsible and accountable for that
which I accept and allow within/as myself
Self-Commitment Statements
I commit myself to actually push myself within the understanding that I
can move/change one point at a time, and to stop using "it takes
time" as an excuse to take my time and not push myself and walk the points
I see needed to be walked.
I commit myself to stop any and all reliance I have on 'hope' within the
understanding that through hope I have been keeping myself away from actually
committing myself to the practical steps needed to be done in order to change
what requires to be changed. Within this I commit myself to show that hope is
in fact useless, abusive and only operates as a form of separation by keeping
self from actually doing what is needed to be done in the name of hoping that
someone else or somehow it will be done without self having to do anything
about it and thus allowing things to continue as they are as an silent
acceptance covered up by the deception of hope.
I commit myself to stop using the self-belief of being weak and
powerless as an excuse to not take self-responsibility, also I commit myself to
show the abusive nature of the belief of being weak and powerless, due to
accepting and allowing atrocities to go on un disturbed through accepting the
self-belief of being too weak to intervene and stand for what is best for all
life.
I commit myself to investigate the definition I have given 'power' and
why/how I have allowed it to have power over me through resisting the concept
of power and separating 'power' from myself.
I commit myself to investigate through writing and self-forgiveness the
fear existing within me that I have allowed to direct me within not taking
self-responsibility through using manipulation and justification and anything
to get me out of it in order to not face the hidden fear that I have allowed to
exist within me
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