Showing posts with label golden cage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label golden cage. Show all posts
Sunday, February 17, 2013
I'm continuing the point that opened up in my blog yesterday, please read it for context if you haven’t already - Day 160 – A life changing Decision
I experience shame - shame for not having the integrity to push myself regardless of having that financial safety net - I enslaved myself to my money through allowing myself to limit myself and not explore myself but instead hide behind the convenience of not having to push myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame, instead of investigating in self honesty what is the shame showing me within and as myself, and to commit myself to change and align myself to/as a principle I can stand as, to never experience shame again
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame for not having the integrity to push myself regardless of having a financial safety net
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my financial safety net as an excuse from exploring myself, expanding myself and allowing myself to actually live, instead of using my financial advantage to my advantage and actually put it in good use, instead I have allowed myself to fear losing it, and to lean on it as a crutch, thus limiting myself and creating over time a self belief of inadequacy
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the experience of shame is showing me what I have done, as I have allowed myself to limit myself, as I have allowed myself to create myself as self limitation in fear, instead of standing stable within and as myself and building self trust, self respect, self honor and self dignity by being all that I can be, by pushing myself to live fully, but instead I have built self doubt through accumulating justification for "not doing", not expanding, not exploring
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame instead of stopping the shame and correcting myself as seeing what I have accepted and allowed myself, as I have allowed myself to give up on myself, to close myself off in fear of falling and thus, have not allowed myself to learn to walk , and to commit myself to never again, to face my fears, to walk through them standing up and stable, because ei realize that either I direct myself or I will allow myself to be directed by my fears, and I realize that by allowing myself to be directed by my fears I am giving my power away, time and time again, until I reach the point of shame, because I see what I have done, and I see I could have done it differently, but it's too late, because the past cannot be changed, time cannot be turned back, and thus, the only practical solution is to commit myself to never again - thus, I commit myself to not allow myself to make decisions in regards what I do or don't do based in financial fear, I commit myself to let go the emotions I have attached to the situation through self forgiveness and writing, and to through common sense find what is the practical thing to do, I commit myself to not allow myself to fight for my limitations, as I have used all the excuses to not do things based on self beliefs that I am inadequate, not giving myself the chance to prove me wrong.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on trying and dedicating myself to a project because I had a financial safety net, and thus I have never allowed myself to discover what I can do, what I enjoy doing, where I can contribute, because I have always allowed myself to stop when things got hard, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing to leave my comfort zone, because I could afford not to, not realizing that only outside of my comfort zone will I face myself and be able to grow and expand, as I try new things and explore myself within them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in shame because I realize I have never trusted myself enough to let myself make mistakes, and thus have limited myself and prevented myself from growing.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself in fear of falling, making a mistake and failing, within fear of survival as the back chat in my mind as "what if I loose all my money, and cannot provide for myself?" - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow and participate with this back chat, not realizing and seeing that it is this following the back chat that is the point of self sabotage, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this back chat to be me and thus, to follow it as if I am giving myself some good advise, though I have never questioned where this back chat is coming from and why it is not actually supporting me in living out myself in my true and full potential, but is always diminishing me - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self diminishment, and to accept myself as self diminishment through unquestionable believing and following my mind as back chat and self diminishing thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to my money through allowing myself to limit myself and not explore myself but instead hide behind the convenience of not having to push myself because "I have money, I am fine, I don't need to work hard".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a polarity between money and work, and thus believe that because I have money I don’t have to work, thus not realizing that I have defined money as good and worked as bad, instead of realizing that it is actually the other way around, as I have allowed money to limit my self expression, and haven't allowed myself to explore myself in/as work because I have defined it as bad / not preferred, and thus have been avoiding it, with money being the justification as to why I can allow myself to avoid work
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame, and within that to want to hide myself as to not reveal / exposed that which I am ashamed of and judge as myself, thus I have build up excuses and justification as to why I am "not successful" amongst them being a self belief that I am inadequate, that something is wrong with me, instead of seeing that the real point is that I simply didn't want to take myself out of my comfort zone, as I didn't want to inconvenience me, not realizing that only outside the comfort zone can I expand, and that only through inconvenience can I learn new things and grow
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame based on memories of the past, as I have defined myself according to what I have or haven't done in the past and thus within judging myself I experience shame, as I see in self honesty that what I have or haven't done is unacceptable and doesn't stand as life, within the principle of equality, within self respect and self honor, and thus instead of standing up within / as myself and stopping / changing myself to align myself within / as the principle of equality, and live as the expression of self respect and self honor, I have allowed myself to exist in shame, beating myself up for what I have done in the past, that which I cannot change as it is done with, thus, within this, I realize the experience of shame is a gift, showing me to myself within allowing myself to look in vulnerability what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, but in the very moment of seeing shame as an energetic experience is no longer supportive, but is a point of self sabotage as it justifies self judgment instead of looking for solutions and corrections, thus, when and as I experience myself going into shame, I commit myself to stop myself and breathe, to practically investigate in self honesty and direct myself within self forgiveness and corrective statement to walk in a way that will honor myself as life, as the principle of equality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame for not being financial independent, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and judge myself according to whether I have been financially independent, and within this giving the highest value to financial independence, and thus diminishing myself to one aspect and judging myself accordingly, instead of supporting myself to grow within it and equalizing myself to and as that aspect, within investigating why have I not been financial independent and finding practical ways to support myself to change, instead of judging myself as an expression of the belief that it is who I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame because I was born to a financially stable family, and have not yet "made something out of myself" according to how I perceive and understand the system's definition of being a success, and thus, I experience shame that I have not made it even though I had all the opportunity, within this, I compare myself to those that were born to poverty and experience shame and guilt for having taking for ranted the life that I had while they had to struggle in poverty, within this I realize that the guilt and shame are a cover up, an excuse and justification to not stand up and change the inequality I see within the system, as I give myself a free ticket out through experiencing the burden of shame and guilt - no, I will not allow this, I realize shame and guilt have a role by showing me to myself though, holding onto them is self manipulation within self interest, as if to say "look I feel so bad about it, let me do nothing about it because my bad feeling is enough of a burden" - I commit myself to stop myself from going into and holding onto the experience of shame and guilt in regards to taking my life for granted, and instead to apply myself and become the persona that I can be, to stand in equality to the principle of equality, and this starts with myself, as allowing myself to be equal to myself and not less than who I really am, which is what I've been allowing all my life, and thus the shame for not actually living, even though I apparently had the circumstances to do so, what I didn't have is myself, to push myself to become myself in self honesty
I realize shame is a point of self support, it is a gift as it can be a point of transformation - I realize I mustn't hold on to the shame in energy and allow the shame to become an energetic experience as a form of self abuse and self punishment, but rather allow myself to investigate the point in clarity and stability, within allowing myself to see that which I, as the shame, am showing myself, and then, within what I find in self honesty, to forgive myself unconditionally within realizing that the past cannot be changed, it can only become a platform for self transformation and self correction.
When and as I see myself going into shame, I stop myself and breathe, I write out the experience and find it's source within self honesty, as I investigate and ask myself why am I experiencing shame, what have I done or didn't do that I have come to experience shame, and once I find the point, I write it out and commit myself to change within finding practical applications as self support to help me through the point to never again allow myself to relive this point of shame.
I realize I have been participating in a pattern of giving up on myself, not trusting myself, and excusing myself with not having to push myself through the effort / difficulty / resistance due to not having to support myself financially - thus, I commit myself to, from now on, not allow myself to give up on myself based on "I don't have to do this" I commit myself to establish common sense through writing the points out, and making sure I am not fighting for my limitations, that I am not justifying doing / not doing based on self diminishment and fear of failure, when and as I see myself going into the pattern of self diminishment and fear of failure I stop myself and breathe and push myself to deliberately do that which I resist doing, to prove to myself that I am not limited by the ideas I have created of myself within the mind trying to "protect" myself, while all along limiting myself from expanding, learning and living.
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Saturday, February 16, 2013
The point of inadequacy came up again. you are welcome to read my previous blogs on inadequacy:
Day 143 – Inadequacy
Day 144 - Inadequacy - a child gymnast
Day 145 - Inadequacy - Child's Play
Day 147 - Inadequacy - forgiving childhood play time
Day 148 - Inadequacy - Reading difficulties
Day 149 - Inadequacy – Self Created Reading Difficulties
Day 150 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food
Day 151 - Inadequacy - Preparing Food – Part 2 - Preparing Wraps
Day 152 - Inadequacy – Preparing Food – Part 3 – Farm Chicken
Day 153 - Inadequacy – Creativity – Part 1
Day 154 - Inadequacy - Creativity - Self forgiveness
Even by defining one rout the easy one and the other a risk I can already see that I am altering my perspective, not allowing myself to see clearly the two option, and already infecting my decision with fear. I was never much of a risk taker, always preferred to play it safe.
What do I fear? Well, I've never been independent before, especially financially independent, I never had to provide for myself, I always had a safety net to fall back on, and because I was so used to my safety net, I never used it as a safety net, but more like a flexible floor, I never struggled for money, I always had jobs that didn't completely sustain me, because I could afford it due to my safety net.
Having money to fall back on was both a blessing and a curse, though now, looking at the consequences as the inadequacy I have created as myself as a result, it maybe more of a curse than a blessing - thanks to the money I had, I lived the life I believe everyone should live, everyone should have the sense of security, knowing that whatever comes up they will have the ability to take care of it, which in our world, in the current system, it means having the finance to take care of anything that comes up. Everyone would be better off living a life where they are not enslaved to a job they don't want to do, just to earn their living - even those words are insane, as in the current system we have to earn our living, we are not granted the right for life just for being alive - we must earn it.
So why do I say it is a curse? Well, in our current system as it is, if one cannot provide for oneself, they are basically screwed, money equals life, money is security, money is food / health / education / cloths / transportation, in the current money system one must have money or the ability to make money in order to survive and feel secure. For me, because I had enough to get by and then some, I never had to push myself to work for a living, I had it easy, I could work but didn't have to, so I did work, but because I didn't have to provide for myself I worked at low paying jobs, and it was never within the experience of survival. The problem was that "having it easy" can be a curse, a curse because I used it as an excuse to not live out my highest potential - what I mean is, because I didn't struggle for money, when I would meet an obstacle I didn't have to push through it, and so I didn't, I gave up, and that had become my pattern, and throughout time it had developed to a self belief that I am incapable of providing for myself, simply because I never had to do it, and thus, I never did.
So, anyway, now I'm faced with making this decision, and by taking the "risky" choice I will be forced to face myself big time - I will not have my safety net anymore, I will actually have to make it in the system in order to survive, I will have to push myself and not give up, because now, giving up would have severe consequences - as I'm writing this out, I experience shame, shame for not having the integrity to push myself regardless of having that financial safety net - I enslaved myself to my money through allowing myself to limit myself and not explore myself but instead hide behind the convenience of not having to push myself. I experience shame because instead of using the money in a productive way, I have used it as a crutch - I was leaning on a crutch even though I could actually walk on both my legs, and just like the physical body, when you use a crutch when it's unnecessary you will create consequences, as your legs will become weak and dependent, when you actually had the power to walk all along, but gave your power away to the crutch. I'm ashamed because, I had it all, unlike people that are born into poverty or any type of struggle, I had the opportunity to create myself as what ever I wanted, but I didn't, I didn't take the opportunity that was given to me, instead I had made it into a "golden cage", trapping myself in it, braking off my wings piece by piece, until reaching a point that I truly believe I cannot fly.
So, this is my curse that I inflicted upon myself, using a crutch when I could walk, and now, I don't believe in myself, I don't have the confidence that walking is possible, walking became a point of intimidation me, as I see all my friends walking and running, and I will just have to start over the whole process, starting with crawling, making the mistakes of the beginner and pushing myself to breathe through it to allow myself to learn to walk, realizing that I must do it, I must walk this process or I will never brake this self sabotaging self belief of inadequacy - it's a point of establishing self trust - yes, it would have been cool if I had done this years ago, using my safety net a support system instead of a limiting crutch, but I didn't, and now, the choice I am facing is to do it without a safety net, or not do it at all.
Not doing it would mean giving in to my fear, giving in to my experience of inadequacy, and once again not giving myself the opportunity to brake through this pattern, just as I haven't allowed myself to brake through in the past, by limiting myself and tying myself down by my safety net and fears. Doing it would mean that I will really have to do it, it won't be a game anymore, I will have to actually work hard, put in the effort, the time, the dedication, make mistakes and correct the while still standing and pushing through, in order to allow myself to expand, allow myself to live out my highest potential, allow myself to free myself from the chains I had tied myself down with.
As I'm writing this out I realize I have made my decision, there is still that voice in my head shouting out "Wait, don't do it!! What if you fall? What if you lose everything? How will you ever pick yourself up?" but I realize this is the voice of my mind, arguing for my own limitation, and I am grateful for this voice, as it is showing me exactly who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, as I have allowed myself to follow this voice of fear, as I have allowed myself to exist in fear, be directed by fear, and never actually do anything, express myself, take risks, because of the fear, coming up as future projections of all that can go wrong - but, is this who I want to be for the rest of my life? The answer is clear.
I realize this road might be bumpy, but in order to free myself I must allow myself to lose everything that has been holding me back from being myself as self expression, at this point I see it's my safety net that I have allowed myself to be restricted by, and as long as I hold onto it, and allow myself to make decisions based on the fear of losing it, I will have never lived, I will always remain but a portion of who I really am as life, as expression, as expansion.
Now that the decision is made, the journey is only starting, in my next blogs I will write out self forgiveness and corrective statement in order to prepare the way before me, to let go the points that have been holding me back and find within me the correction, so when I walk this path I am prepared.
At the moment I am experiencing a combination of excitement, anxiety and a stability - this is a weird mixture of experiences, as they seem to all contradict each other yet somehow they are all here. I'll investigate them as well in my next blogs to come.
thanks
for specific support in regards to making decision, consider investing in yourself the following EQAFE interview
REPTELIANS – Decision Making, Part 1, Part 2
To learn more about yourself and how reality functions, please consider a FREE online Course
Desteni I Process Lite - Learn Practical Life Skills Online
Also, Please check out the following Links:
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